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 Two Scoops: March 17, 2008 columns
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Katherine Kelly Lang
Who wants to be Jack's new mother?
For the Week of March 17, 2008
Does anyone get the feeling that Brooke is like the neighborhood dog that goes around peeing on hydrants to mark their territory?
Auditions are going on now everyone…so far we have seen 4 contestants battle it out to have the title of 'Jack Marone's Mommy'…could the next one be YOU??? Taylor was voted out last week and that leaves 3 standing. Compete in challenges like…who can drink Daddy under the table, who can throw the most blankets and other useless items with emotional meaning unrelated to little Jack as possible in the crib in under 20 seconds, and the always popular 'Super Mommy Shuttle Run'…run between Daddy and your fiancée back and forth as fast as you can never having to make a real decision between them!! Yes, it's the hottest new reality show on daytime and sure to be a family favorite!! The winner gets to be Jack's new Mommy, share her bed with Daddy, and receive a blistering case of Married Marone Paranoia making you look over your shoulder each and every day wondering who will capture Daddy's eye next. Don't miss the gameplay, the alliances, and the dramatic weekly show finale when one woman each week gets voted out of the mansion. Tune in every day on CBS to see who will be 'Jack's Mommy'!!

Yes….the episodes I watched last week made me think I was watching 'Rock of Love with Bret Michaels'. I had to rub my eyes and pinch myself because I thought I HAD to be dreaming or seeing things with 3 different women all vying to be with Nick and that baby. You have to be kidding me!! Did the real writers get hijacked before they could return to work or is this still 'scab' scripts we are enduring? Yuck. There is more action in and out of that house than LAX at Christmas time! Here comes Bridget nearly throwing herself into the crib with Jack and then throwing herself at Nick. Now Katie comes over to 'babysit' (wink-wink), drinking scotch and shelling pistachios with Nick. As if that's not enough, Brooke blows in and has the nerve to get her panties in a bunch that Nick has had her psycho daughter over there giving her the impression they could be an item again. I think I know now why Taylor hit the bottle again.

So, it would seem that poor deluded Brooke Jr. (Bridget) can't keep her hands off Nick and is willing to degrade herself in the worst possible way to get him back. I have to ask, though, is this for her or just to get him away from Mommy one last time? I know, her speech to Brooke about how she likes keeping him on a string while not having to commit to anyone was fantastic and those were words that needed to be said but I don't think Bridget's intentions are altogether pure either. Remember what she said to big brother…she 'gave up' her marriage so Brooke could be with Nick. You know what they say…turnabout is fair play, right? I think that is more the case here than some deep reawakened love. Actually, it was downright embarrassing to watch a woman act that desperate and sad. And by the way, Bridget and Nick are by far the WORST couple ever in my opinion. I'd rather see him date a garden hose than be saddled with her.

Then we have Contestant #2…Katie Logan. Hmmm…I can't believe I am about to type these words but I thought there may have been 'something' there. What is that something? I don't know but it seems that Nick was feeling something, too. It's just too bad it's another Logan. It was obvious that she intrigues him and by the look on her face when she left, she's curious as well. And with that 'don't go up the stairs speech', I know it's only a matter of time before she samples the merchandise as well. I wonder how Brooke will feel about that? She'll be lecturing her, too, and trying to keep her away from Nick as well. Does anyone get the feeling that Brooke is like the neighbourhood dog that goes around peeing on hydrants to mark their territory? Well, I personally would like to see what kind of dynamic those two could have…after all, who didn't chuckle even the least little bit watching them throw shells into a trashcan? Sharp banter between them…I liked it.

Brooke, Brooke, Brooke…will you ever learn? Your daughter called you out as a self-absorbed tease that can't commit if your life depended on it and you have nerve the size of Texas to go to Nick's and blast him for 'moving on' without you? Girl, you need a reality check!! I hate Ridge but even that creep knows something is not right in all of this. I don't see why the writers don't just put them together already and be done with it. At least we could move on to watching stories that might be new and different. Instead we are stuck like hamsters in a wheel running over and over watching the same tired back and forth. It's no wonder so many have written me saying they don't TiVO the show anymore and could care less if they watch it at all. Brooke the Human Pinball is just plain boring these days…let's hope she's either put out of her misery or that some amazing new writer finally gives us something worth watching. It kind of makes you wonder what KKL must think when she gets her script for the day, huh? Boy, would I love to ask her!

Did I see what I thought I saw at the Borrester Family Party? How old is Felicia anyway…8? All this 'Daddy, don't leave us' crap made me nearly choke on my lunch! These are grown adults…WITH CHILDREN! And I might add, have about 145 divorces between them! How immature can you be than to go on and on blubbering about losing the family and the magic being gone? The magic was gone in 1988 and Eric has 'left the family' more than once and still managed to be their father. PLEASE!!! I mean come one people…if you were married to Stephanie, wouldn't you be looking for the nearest exit, too? I just hate that it's Donna HO-gan that he's doing instead of someone else.

Speaking of Trampus-Maximus, she sure does scare easily, huh? Sister Psycho is back with her pooch Tiny and Donna looked like she was about to pee her thong at the sight of them. I don't know how I feel about all of this…I like having a crazy sicko around (I miss Sheila!) but I can't watch her without thinking of 'The Wonder Years'. No, I just tried again and I still can't do it. She is too sweet looking, you know? But she is trying hard to be evil and at this point, I'll take ANYTHING that is fresh and different. And by the way, if I hear her call Eric 'Honey Bear' one more time, I think I will stab myself with an ice pick. Ugh…make it stop! And I have already placed a call to the hair & makeup department to run a comb through that head of Eric's…he's a little too old to be running with the Abercrombie & Fitch hair style!

And I don't feel bad for Stephanie, either. She DID drive him away and she has to finally start facing the music for all that she has done. What disturbs me more these days, though, is the very thought of this show without her. Yes, I read the article as well…if Susan Flannery retires, this show will certainly suffer. I can think of only 2 or 3 other females soap stars that are even good enough to be in the same room with her (Kim Zimmer-GL, Jeanne Cooper-YR right off the top of my head and keep in mind I don't watch other networks so I'm sure there are a few more that are honest-to-God amazing actresses). It will be a sad day indeed but I can't say that I blame her…she has been in the business a long time and over 20 years on this show has to take it's toll eventually.

Which brings me to my Question of the Week…Would B&B survive without Stephanie or should Brad (gasp!) simply re-cast the role?

I would like to take a moment to say a goodbye in my column this week to my mother-in-law Nancy who passed March 5th. She was the bedrock of this family and would come to my house everyday and watch my son while he was small so that I was able to do my work from home and not have to put him in day care. I would fix her a turkey sandwich each day and we would watch B&B on my break. Though she watched OLTL faithfully, I made her a B&B convert rather quickly and in no time she was coming in the front door each day asking me 'what that Brooke Logan was up to today.' She thought Nick was a 'good looking man' and always felt that her and Stephanie were separated at birth as their mannerisms and outlooks on life & family were somewhat similar. She even remembered Susan Flannery as JR's secretary on 'Dallas'. As a casual writer, it pains me to say that words escape me in describing the loss our family feels. She was every bit a mother to me as my own and that's truly a rare and special thing in this world. Nancy…lunchtime won't be the same without you.

The Soap Box

Mildred says: 'This is my first time reading your column, and I loved it! You are SPOT ON about The Bold And The Beautiful, and it's characters! Great job, keep up the good work!'

Candy rants: 'I was just wondering if B&B is planning to bring any new characters onto the canvass so that the musical beds can end? I have watched the show since the start but now the whole thing is really, really boring. Has Brooke ever been with a man that was not related to Ridge in some way? It strange that no one seems to think badly of her for it other than Stephanie:) Thank God for Stephanie! They all act like Stephanie is a monster but I can relate to her way more than Brooke and I'm 35. B&B really need to make some changes I won't be able to watch. How many times can I watch Brooke be with Ridge then one of his close relatives then Ridge again. It's gotten tired. I also agree with the Taylor opinion, they took a great character and ruined it. Everyone has bumps in the road but they have turned her into a train wreck. I loved that character but now I can't watch when she is on screen (the extreme plastic surgery does not help matters). How many times can Eric dump Stephanie for someone else before she goes out and gets someone of her own? She is a cool, feisty, funny woman and a real man would value that which that loser she calls a husband does not. Actually, I was only writing to say, I love your column! I got a little side tracked by my rant:) I look forward to reading next week's column.

Linda from NJ checks in: 'Hey gf, what a great column my friend.... That was terrific, I am so proud of you.... Of course I am a Brooke/Ridge fan so we don't agree on that avenue... but that was terrific... I myself am getting a little sick of it all, can you believe I said that.... I think we need a head doc/writer over there. Hope our kids aren't watching this one LOL LOL LOL Love Ya Linda'

Jacqueline says: 'Kristine, I am new to SOC, but loong time B&B fan (87'). I love the column and the way you write. My only issue is that you write about the soap in real life terms. IT IS A SOAP, therefore, all the insanity that follows. Maybe, you need to write it that way, but nonetheless, you are always spot on! I agree that 'Bratty' Bell has destroyed his Dad's genius. I can see why Ms. Flannery is so motivated to literally sail or fly off into the sunset. The insults she (as Stephanie) have had to take about her looks - like from slime wad Stephen, 'How do you expect to get Eric back?'' What....with your womanly ways?!' What BS is that? Susan, has always been a gorgeous, luscious, woman with many, many talents in addition to her tremendous acting skills, and her obvious intellect. I would imagine the lines written are rather insulting. Obviously, I am a great admirer of hers, I can only imagine what it would be like to have Ms. Flannery for a friend! Okay, I'll jump off my 'soap' box for now. Best Regards, Jacqueline'

Have a great week everyone!!

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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