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 Two Scoops: May 29, 2006 columns
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Deidre Hall
God, lies, and falling off cliffs
For the Week of May 29, 2006
This past week, Alex propelled himself off of a cliff, but we all know that in the wonderful world of soaps, if there is no body, the person is most likely alive.
Happy Memorial Day Two Scoopers! I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday and for those of you who have to work today, I am genuinely sorry.

First things first, while I enjoyed IMMENSELY Alex propelling himself off that cliff, we all know that in the wonderful world of soaps, that if there is no body, the person is most likely alive. I would have definitely enjoyed it more if we had gotten to see Alex speared like a shisk-kabob on the rocks, but I guess I'll take what I can get. Love, love, love the John and Marlena reunion, but there was definitely one problem with it - it took so darn long and was so drawn out that when it finally happened, I almost didn't even care. Instead of being a great moment it was more like "It's about flipping time."

But what the heck is going on with Patrick? Who the heck is he, really? Are we expected to believe that he is some kind of super undercover agent that the police use for "special missions" when he is constantly talking about how he used to work for Tony and wasn't he just in contact with his shady Salem people like right before he left? Well, I guess he must be okay if the Morgan Island police trust him! Then Hope just swooned into his arms and said "I'm sorry I ever doubted you" (just in time for Bo to see Patrick lay one on her), and I nearly rolled my eyes out of my head. Get ready, the separation of Bo and Hope will be long, ridiculous and ugly.

Speaking of Bo and Hope, I just…. You know, I don't even know what to say. Most of their problem is miscommunication, more of it is manipulation on the part of the devil-spawn. Hope is justifiably angry, but it also kind of seems that she wants Bo to read her mind. He definitely should have told her about the trial date, but she did tell him not to contact her except through their lawyers so he kind of does have a point. But I think Chelsea should go to prison too. She really needs it. I think it will be good for her.

You know what would be good for Abby? Jennifer punching her right in the face. Look, I'm 25 years old, I don't live at home anymore and am pretty much financially independent, but if I talked to my mother like Abby was talking to Jennifer, I would fully expect to get punched in the face. What in the holy hockey sticks was Abby talking about "I'm going to have sex and maybe I'll have a baby too." Um Abby, you don't have a job, or a car that anybody has ever seen, but you want to have a baby? So you'll have someone that will never leave you?? Oh, shut up you spoiled little brat. And you know what, quit hanging out with Chelsea, the witch is rubbing off on you.

Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack. Okay, I know this might not be the most popular opinion, but I hate Jack's guts. Not Matt Ashford, he seems like a really nice normal guy. But I loathe Jack. I think he is ridiculously selfish, but that is nothing new. First, he wasn't going to tell his wife or kids that he was going to die of some supposedly incurable disease, which only left him with enough energy to badger his wife's ex-boyfriend to take care of her after his "death", then accidentally on purpose drove his car off a bridge and just let everyone think he drowned (once again, no body) and now that there might be a chance to recover (and he's still alive? Wasn't he supposedly going to die before New Year's) he is just going to pop right back in like nothing happened. And of course, now is exactly when it is going to cause the most trouble for everybody. Oh God, how many times is Jack going to "die" and come back? He's already died THREE times in the last THREE years!! Please, writers find a new plot device. I don't care, make him a crackhead or something, just quit killing him and bringing him back. Oh yeah, that reminds me, Patrick also knew that Jack was alive and kept him and Jennifer apart when Jack escaped the castle the first time and the fake Jennifer took him to the cabin. See what I mean about the show not making any sense? But back to Jack. What is he going to do when he gets home, tell Frankie "thanks for bench warming for me, but I didn't die, so ta-ta?" Give me a break. I do wonder how Kayla and Patch are going to play into this, though. I guess we'll find out, huh?

If Mimi is going to insist on whining about her big secret (which might not even be true being as how there is no paternity test, and Philip might actually be Claire's father), I'm just going to have to gouge out my eardrums. Didn't we just do this about a year ago? And Bonnie is just evil. She is always telling her kids to do the wrong things and to lie and she even steals from them if they have any kind of money, so why does Mimi listen to her? I wish she would just either spit it out or shut up about it.

Kate is the evil queen of hypocrites. There she was in the Shawn and Mimi's apartment, just railing her brains out about Sami keeping Will's paternity from Austin and Lucas and then picking up Claire, the baby that she is pretty much doing the same thing to Shawn and Philip with. I wish she would just fall in a pit. Now we will be forced to watch her destroy Sami yet again. Great. Can't wait.

Lexie is getting on my nerves still. I don't think anyone else having that conversation with Sami would have thought that she was wishing that Lexie had cancer, but Lexie is an idiot. I wish she would either divorce Abe or stop sleeping with Tek. How come nobody caught her and Tek getting down in the park for the "Sluts of Salem" blog? Now that would have been a great page.

I've got to say, that I was really disappointed with May Sweeps. Usually, some new stories get started or something really riveting happens, but no. Other than Alex free-falling from the cliff, nothing new really happened. Jacks alive, but we already knew that. Well, Carrie's pregnant too, but that's not like a huge shock. Now Sami ending up pregnant would have been much more surprising. Her being engaged to Austin for round 900 is kind of anti-climactic. I just wish they would hurry up and put Chelsea on trial already so I have something new to watch.

Well, have a great holiday, have a great week and I will see you back in two!

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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