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 Two Scoops: July 5, 2004 columns
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You're the only one I love?
For the Week of July 5, 2004
Heather Weber, Psycho of the Universe is back in town. Here's a rule of thumb if you ever travel to Port Charles - never drink anything from anyone.
I believe I've mentioned before that I'm completely obsessive about music. And everything else....but, music in particular in that kooky, freakish "I own 130,000 songs" sort of way. So it would come as no surprise to anyone who knows me that I have downloaded Kurth and Taylor (Ned's REAL band) and listened to "The Only One I Love" 42 times straight on MP3. No, really. Seriously- I can't make myself stop. If they had an MP3 of Ned and Brook Lynne's acoustic version from Tuesday's show, I'd be listening to that - it was sweeter than Marshmallow Peeps. *43 Times* Just hit "play again" - pathetic, I know. I must buy that CD.

When I was a girl, my Daddy had a 3-song repertoire over the course of my childhood. 1) "Daddy's Little Girl" by the Mills Brothers. 2) "I Love" by Tom T. Hall, and last, but certainly not least "I Love You Because" by Elvis Presley. I just listened to Elvis singing that and my eyes welled up with tears, just as they did when Brooke was singing with Ned this week; an incredibly sweet scene. Until Loud Lois burst in and ruined it...but I am loud, too, so I guess I can't criticize. And, just out of idle curiosity, I would love to know how much Randy Jackson got paid to walk on set for 3 minutes for those excruciatingly bad L and B auditions. Probably more than I make in a year...

Another curiosity -Heather Weber, Psycho of the Universe is back in town. Here's a rule of thumb if you ever travel to Port Charles - never drink anything from anyone. Faith has retired her poison ring for the moment, but Heather has stepped up to the challenge. Apparently Heather couldn't find a poison ring, so she dispensed her poison through an eye dropper into poor Leslie's lemonade. Don't you kind of pity Denise Alexander? The poor woman finally gets a scene and it's only long enough to drink poison lemonade and drive into a tree! (Is it the same tree that AJ and Nikolas ran into?) Heather has that K-Mart suitcase which she keeps dragging to the bed, and unzipping 6 times a day (Hey Whacko, just unpack your damn suitcase and put your scrapbook in a drawer under your underwear!) and hauling out her Fat Red Marker to draw giant X's through the faces of people whose lives she has trashed. Very entertaining in that hokey soap way, but the mystery is WHY? What does she have against Luke, Laura, Skye, Bobbie, Leslie, or anyone else? I watched GH back when Heather was menacing her way about town before, and don't recall any unfinished vendettas having to do with Luke. If someone else has a better memory then me, by all means, fill me in. Motive aside, I always did enjoy having a true villain to hate, a purely evil creature that you can despise and boo openly. Rumor has it that after Lila's death is addressed on-air, that Heather will "be there" to comfort Edward. This would be more disgusting if the guy playing Edward was 90 like the late great Anna Lee was, but since they keep making Edward younger and younger so they can keep him around, he's about the same age as Alan in real life. Seriously.

Speaking of being open, Emily couldn't wait to tell Liz and Baby Melon-Head the big news about Nik being alive, but Liz being a blabbermouth immediately told Lucky. For some people, the joy of knowing a secret is just to tell it someone else and hear them gasp "NO!" so they can exclaim "YES!" and Emily was bursting to tell someone, but picked the wrong person. I pick better best friends. My best friends would never rat out my deep dark secrets. Trust is the # 1 key element in my book of friendship. Secondly, if I thought my husband was dead, and then found out he was alive, I would have called my best friend and told her THAT VERY DAY. I mean, was Liz someplace where they didn't have phone service? Why didn't Emily CALL her? (Can you hear me now?) On another note, I had a conversation this week about "Morality vs. Loyalty" - like if you knew a friend had committed a crime, would your loyalty to your friend supersede your moral obligation to report them? What if Mary had friends who knew what she had done? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Emily of course, committed no crime, although Mary may have. Is what she did considered kidnapping??? At any rate, I think she may be about to commit a crime since Emily burst in and threatened to tell Nikolas who he is - are there any wooden ducks lying around? I think Em's head could get smashed with one. If Mary does end up pregnant, imagine having THAT conversation with your child one day... "Well, you see son, your father is a guy who had a head injury and I duped him into thinking he was my dead husband as I was lonely and horny and needed someone warm in my bed. Right before he found out his real identity, we conceived YOU." How heartwarming! When Lucky finds out Nik is alive, word on the street is that he is in no hurry to tell him - Lucky wants more time to win Emily's heart. He's fallen completely in love with her, and even knowing she is his brother's fiancée, he cannot help but follow his heart and pursue her in spite. All is fair in love and war, as they say.

Nik has asked Lorenzo for a complete dossier of his past, and Lorenzo told Mary, and plans to lie to Nik. Why? A reliable source has told me that we will soon discover that Lorenzo is working with... Helena. That explains a lot, does it not? Of course, as Nik's dreams and genuine memories surface, and he discovers that basically EVERYONE is lying to him, I wouldn't blame him if he turned into a bitter cynical version of his Uncle Stefan. (I miss Stefan, just for the record.) Funniest line of the week as he mindlessly mutters a phrase in French- "Now I speak FRENCH, too?!" I love the dialogue in these scenes, it's just so hysterical - "How come you told me I was in the Marines, but I don't know how to shoot a gun but I can name 52 varieties of caviar and can quote Dickens novels in Arabic?" And Mary always has some great comeback like "Oh Connor, that's simple! You were in the Fish Egg/Arabian Dickens Society Platoon in the Marines, on special assignment at cocktail parties and literary clubs in Iraq." She's quick on her feet; you have to give her that.

In other moments of utter disbelief, Skye got 20 years for Ross's murder, while the suddenly supportive Quartermaine clan watched from the sidelines. Skye has always had Alan in her corner, but Monica was a newcomer to Skye's defense. I absolutely LOVED the scene where Tracy went to taunt Skye in jail and Skye pointed out that the Q family loved her more than Tracy without a single drop of Q blood in her body. OUCH. Of course, we know Skye is innocent, but her imprisonment gives Robin Christopher a great maternity leave to have her baby, and hopefully after she has her baby she will get sprung from the slammer.

Jason would have ended up in the slammer had he shot Nico in Port Charles under Ric's jurisdiction, but since he plugged him on Sonny's private island, no criminal charges will ensue. Nico was good while he lasted, he was able to get past all of Sonny's bodyguards and Jason and wrestle a gun away from tiny pregnant Sam. Oh wait, that isn't really a very impressive feat, is it... Even Michael can avoid Sonny's guards, and he's an unarmed pipsqueak. Someone else IS after Sam as Nico implied, and will catch up with her soon; rumor is that Sam has an angry brother headed her way. Will Felicia, P.I. Extraordinaire find him before he reaches Sam? What is the big secret in Bailey's Beach? We know that Sam vanished for 10 years, no records of her for an entire decade, but we don't know why... Carly and Jason have both hopped flights to some small town in South Carolina, and will end up butting heads, but eventually team up to unravel the mystery of Sam's past. Carly will soon find out the secrets Sam is keeping and the secret Sonny is keeping about the paternity of Sam's baby. I guess when Sonny finds out about Kristina he won't be able to be as mad at Carly since HE lied to HER, too. Oh wait, it's Sonny, and of course he will rant and rave about her dishonesty...And, while Sonny will be furious about Carly lying to him, he will be more furious with Alexis, and rumor has it there will be a fall wedding for Alexis and Ric- just imagine how Sonny will take the news that his half-brother and mortal enemy Ric will be raising his daughter? And, really, what sort of marriage will that be? "Holier than thou" types like Alexis who are offended by people with a Dark Side like Ric should NOT marry one another. Spending your whole life apologizing or having to act like something you aren't is no fun. Ric, think twice - is it worth being married to Alexis just to spite Sonny?

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Alexis jinx any more elevators? Will Lois actually subject us to Sage's bad rendition of the Milkshake song again? Will Heather's son Stephen Lars show up in town and be 12, or 30? Will Skye be able to get her hands on any hooch in the Big House? Will L and B's "teen band" be better than the American Juniors? Will anyone tell Bobbie, Leslie and Heather that hairstyles have changed a little since the 70's?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, so I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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