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To Wong Foo...
For the Week of August 2, 2004
If you don't know what the title refers to, sign in to Netflix and find out. When you do, you will see the difference between a good Drag Queen (Patrick Swayze), and a bad Drag Queen (Dillon Quartermaine).
If you don't know what the title refers to, sign in to Netflix and find out. When you do, you will see the difference between a good Drag Queen (Patrick Swayze), and a bad Drag Queen (Dillon Quartermaine). I believe that I am a fairly creative person and a fairly decent writer. I suppose that is why I get so annoyed when it becomes clear to me that the writers working for ABC, collecting a paycheck from their efforts at writing for GH are so totally out of ideas that they have given poor Scott Clifton 2 of the most utterly stupid plots I have ever seen on a soap. 1) A virile teen boy who needs Viagra... can you hear the discussion in the writer's room? "What should we do with Dillon this summer?" "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if he couldn't get it up for Georgie and had to take Viagra?" said the 53 year old pudgy bald script writer who can't get it up and has to take Viagra. They learned the lesson my college professors taught me "Write what you know" a little too well. Now, the very next week, they have the poor kid in drag pretending to be in a girl's singing group. How Buffy and Hildy. I didn't buy it on Bosom Buddies, I didn't buy it in Yentl and I don't buy it on GH. Anyone can look at Dillon and tell he's a boy. No MTV viewer is going to see that lame video and think Dillon is a hot chick. Even if the writers TELL us that someone thinks Dillon is a "tall drink of water" or whatever the lame 1940's spy movie phrase was that they used. Worst part is that Scott Clifton is actually a talented kid, both as an actor and as a singer, so why not let him ACT and SING instead of stumbling through mindless plots like being impotent and a girl band member in drag? Hey! ABC! Hire me! I have a dozen storylines you could give Dillon to keep teens tuned in that don't involve fake eyelashes, wigs, or Viagra.

Next on my list of Utterly Stupid Storylines - Edward and Heather. Edward has always been exceptionally savvy. He's always smelled a rat a mile away. Are we honestly supposed to believe that he is so grief-stricken that his mind has turned to Jell-O and he is not the least bit suspicious of Heather's motives? (Even with the perennially Loud Mouth Tracy pointing them out in nano-second intervals?) Or is it that he just hasn't had any lovin' for so long that he is willing to pay take advantage of Heather's seduction ploys for a roll in the hay? Sadly no, rumor has it Edward will actually be stupid enough to marry Heather, and I'll just warn you now that you won't read much about it in my column as I plan to fast forward my Tivo through as many scenes of theirs as I can, it's just too painful to watch. I have been a loyal GH viewer for over 25 years, and of all of my Soap pet peeves, the thing I absolutely can't abide by is when the writer's don't respect the HISTORY of a character. You see, I remember the past, and when the writers don't, it irks me. First, Heather is a nut job, and has killed people, among other craziness. I remember. So, to have all of Port Charles welcome her with open arms is akin to having Mark David Chapman get out of the mental hospital and show up at a Beatles Convention and have all the Beatles fans introducing themselves and trading autographs with him. That would never happen, as the Beatles fans would say "You killed John Lennon you psychotic ass" and then they'd pummel him. So why Heather isn't getting pummeled, or at least getting the cold shoulder from the residents of P.C. who "knew her when" like Leslie and Bobbie - obviously, because the writers aren't respecting history.

And file my third critique under "How Pathetic Can You Get" - Mary Bishop. Okay, let's say your husband was killed in Iraq, and you are insane and take some amnesiac stranger in and try to convince him he is your dead husband because you're lonely and hurt, and after all, the stranger is pretty cute. The police show up at your house and question you repeatedly as to whether or not you have seen the missing man, and you lie and say you have not. The family of said man assumes he is dead, and holds a funeral for him while he is in your cottage wearing flannel shirts and trying to remember why he liked carving wooden ducks. Suddenly, he is alerted to the fact that he is not your dead husband and that everything you have told him was a lie, and you had in effect kidnapped him... Why isn't Mary in jail? Isn't kidnapping still a crime? Wouldn't someone, like say Helena, have Mary arrested for faking the death of her grandson? (No, wait, she is going to try to get Nik committed instead...) Wouldn't the Police have a few things to say about Mary lying to them? Why is Nikolas so ANGRY at the people he knew before the accident, like Emily and Lucky, but so willing to be chummy with Mary, who held him captive for months feeding him with lies? My only thought is that Mary must be ALL THAT in bed. She must bring out that Amish in the City quality in men that makes them want to carve things out of wood and remain loyal to her even in the face of absolute insanity and betrayal. I wish *I* had that power over men. But alas, my men just ditch me when they realize how crazy I am.

Okay, 1 more. (I can't stop myself) As of late, Kristina seems to escape as much as Michael Corinthos does. I would say it was genetic, but since Michael isn't really Sonny's kid, one has to assume it's just that no one in Port Charles pays attention to their children. The real miracle is that Kristina and Michael aren't on Milk Cartons under the headline "Have you seen me?" Kristina has been seen wandering around a hospital alone, wandering around in front of a diner alone, and thankfully, she is ALWAYS found by Sonny instead of the neighborhood child molester. Either Alexis needs to sleep with Ric and get her hormones under control so she can focus on her kid, or hire a new nanny, or both. Kristina barely seems to recognize Alexis when she picks her up. My friend Rosa told me she is quitting her job at Starbucks (And yes, I DO make friends with the people who make my daily Café Americano@ Starbucks...) because her daughter has started calling the Day Care lady "Mommy" so- Rosa, you're a better Mom than Alexis.

On to the stuff I DO like (finally, huh?) I love Jax and Courtney. There, I said it. So I am sure all of you who don't love Jax and Courtney will feel compelled to write me nasty letters and call me a moron or worse. But that's okay; I'm one of those radicals who still believe in free speech, even when other people's opinions differ from mine. So, go on and call me a moron, and I will disagree but with the smile of Free Speech on my lips. The one thing I don't understand is why Jax won't tell the cops it was Faith who shot him. Mr. Law Abiding Citizen unwilling to get a criminal off the street? What gives? Also, I am confused by Ric. One minute, he is totally committed to keeping Sam and her baby safe, the next he is blackmailing Courtney and Sonny with her. I long for Ric to have a real storyline - I got hopeful when Liz came back that we could see the two of them try to patch up their relationship, or to find that Ric was good with Baby... (I promised one faithful reader I wouldn't call it Melon Head anymore, so I have to dig for its real name.....) Cameron- and Liz would want to let Ric back into her life because he was a good father figure, but alas, no such scenes have emerged.

I also like seeing Carly becoming sane and confident. I am not a jealous person. I don't even understand jealousy. Betsy and I have been best friend for 20-some years now, and she has other friends! I do not resent them, nor feel threatened by them, nor fear I will wake up tomorrow and find Betsy has replaced me with a New Best Friend. My Mom couldn't reach me yesterday and called me up and asked me if I had been out cheating on her with another Mom and we laughed and laughed. So seeing Carly feeling secure in her relationship with Sonny and actively helping Sam is a very refreshing turn of events. She is protecting Sonny's child even if it means embracing Sam, at least a little, and that's True Love showing through.

I like Lois and Lorenzo, even though it appears Brook Lynn and Ned will fight it every step of the way, and am always hoping for Alcazar's happiness. I know he's a thug, and yet - I can't help myself, I'm smitten with him. I possess the great gift/curse of being able to love unconditionally. Yeah, he sells arms or drugs (it changes from story to story) but he has so many other fine qualities I can overlook that criminal factor. I live and work in an environment when being judgmental is considered a good thing, but I have just never gotten the hang of it, can't do it. Lois USED to write-off thugs instantly, but now has mellowed enough to at least give Lorenzo a chance, and I hope he wins her over.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Lila's fortune have to go to charity when NO Quartermaine can be nice to one another? Will Dillon decide he looks good in drag and make people start calling him DeeDee? Will Courtney ever remember she has a pet and walk her dog? (Speaking of which I bet my dog Rex needs walked as I have been sitting here for hours) Will Helena drug Nik and program him to kill people like she did Lucky, or will she just program him to love her since no one who isn't drugged would even consider loving her? Will Luke come back with hair? Will Alexis ever learn to take the stairs since she has such bad elevator karma? Will Sam EVER style her hair?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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