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 Two Scoops: August 30, 2004 columns
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Hey! Let's split up!
For the Week of August 30, 2004
Didn't anyone but me learn any life lessons from Scooby Doo and Shaggy? It's NEVER a good idea for a group of nosy kids to split up when a house is haunted, has criminals lurking around, it's dark and/or lightning and thundering.
Didn't anyone but me learn any life lessons from Scooby Doo and Shaggy? It's NEVER a good idea for a group of nosy kids to split up when a house is haunted, has criminals lurking around, it's dark and/or lightning and thundering. What, these moron kids never watched cartoons? There are rules to otherworldly encounters and the teens huddled around the Ouija Board didn't seem to know them. First, why do they keep calling it a "channeling board" rather than saying Ouija? Every time they said "Channeling" I said "Ouija" out loud to my TV set. Didn't Parker Brothers want free advertising for their stupid game? Did they refuse ABC the right to use the name Ouija and give them free promos? Do any kids since the 70's even BUY Ouija boards? Do they even MAKE Ouija Boards anymore, or did Brook Lynne find Tracy's old game from 1969? Better question, where did Brooke's supernatural education come from? Did the very Catholic Cerullo family teach Brook Lynne to invite spirits into their Bensonhurst home by holding Board Game Séances? I think not.

Next, why did Lila suddenly start talking like YODA after she died? Emily! Warn! Not WARN EMILY? Even the Wicked Witch of the West knew to say BEWARE DOROTHY. I just want to know how Robin Matson and the rest of the cast made it through those scenes without bursting out laughing. When Heather's eyes rolled back in her head and she pasted on her fake vaguely British accent and began saying generic Lila-esque things, I laughed the giant HA Tracy laugh, that skeptical burst... It was just too corny. And yet it was so delicious in it's badness, it was mesmerizing. I couldn't stop watching. My finger was unable to press the fast forward button on Tivo. It was almost as bad as Dark Shadows and that hokey old Barnabas Collins. Is GH finally "jumping the shark"?

This whole week was akin to one of those movies where they mock some given film genre. We had every horror film cliché known to mankind. A séance, a murder, (and a couple more attempted) some freak parading around in a Phantom of the Opera mask, a dagger stabbed through inanimate objects, the shaky camera angle trolling around a dark room showing us dresser tops from the psychos vantage point, a dead relative speaking through an unlikely vessel, and a trampy girl that gets murdered, while the virgin lives. (Ever notice in the Friday the 13th movies, no girl dies until she exposes her breasts?) Not to mention Faith being stabbed in the back with a Ronco Garden Weasel . I was half expecting Tim Curry (a.k.a Frank N Furter) to pop out in drag doing the Time Warp in the Quartermaine Boat House.

First Sage pretended to be dead, and then - after a scuffle in the freezer with Georgie, she really WAS dead. Good riddance Sage, I shall not miss you. The only thing I will miss regarding Sage was the tenderness she brought out in Lorenzo - I fear his soft side will vanish for good unless of course, he is rescued by Lois. Sage was a brat, and unlike Dillon I didn't have the patience to wait for her to stop being a brat. I am glad I don't have to endure another year of Sage plotting to break up Georgie and Dillon. ZZZZ.. Oh, and Good Riddance Cindy, too - if you recall before she played Sage, she played Cindy, but then they dyed her hair and we were supposed to forget she was the same actress. I dye my hair all the time, but I can't convince anyone that I am someone other than me.

Okay, so we now know the killer is Mary Bishop, but the question is this - what finally pushed her over the edge? Did Helena drug her? Did she see the Phantom Mask at some "Pre-Halloween" sale and find it too good to pass up? Was she at Shadybrook to visit Nik and got brainwashed by that bribe taking doctor? Who knows? But the Mary we have come to know was a just a little nuts, not murderous nuts. I don't follow the downward spiral. Mary told Lorenzo on many occasions that she would tell "Connor" the truth herself if it meant sparing his life, even knowing she would lose him. I believed she meant it. She was never a violent creature, so to have our sweet young war widow who had just a FEW screws loose become a cold blooded murderer who would take out an innocent teenage girl, stab Faith with a garden tool, and come at Emily (who was her friend at one point) like a raging maniac and go for her throat is just too big of a leap in my opinion. Am I wrong? Can a mildly crazy person snap and start murdering a whole house full of people with no provocation?

Did I miss something? Is there a cloak of invisibility or a soundproof booth in the Q house? Tracy seemed to think she could blackmail Felicia about the will and Georgie right out in the open in a room full of Q's and no one would hear or see her. Felecia, being the big judge or morality, declined. Why did Lila choose her to be the judge? Could it be her honorable behavior and purity? Oh wait, she ran off with Luke and left her kids without a Mom for eons. So... Felicia WAS moral, then did something Immoral, and now she is back to being moral again. Hard to keep track. (And before you write me mean letters defending Felicia, Yes, abandoning your kids IS immoral.)

Speaking of letters, last week I mentioned that I had grown up in Stow, Ohio, and many Stow citizens wrote update me on what's going on in my old home town. Much appreciated. : As, of course, are all the letters I get from readers, especially the one that agree with me. Less favorite are the ones who start out "Dear Idiot, you are a moron and everything you say is wrong." And since I didn't get the chance to respond to everyone, the answer to the question "Why did you leave Stow and move to San Diego?" is "There's an ocean here."

If you write me this week, answer this riddle - Why did the Mac (a.k.a the Police Commissioner) ignore the fact that Faith was an escaped Felon and leave her roaming around the Q house un-handcuffed? Yeah, she did have stab wounds, but the girl is resilient, he had to know she would try to escape. If only Taggart were still in town, Faith would be restrained.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will the girls find a Mystery Date game in the attic? Will Trent get hired by Lorenzo as reward for his deep loyalty to Sage whom he met 3 weeks ago? Will Anna Lee's spirit REALLY come back and haunt the GH writers for using Lila as the basis for their goofy Scooby-Doo-esque storyline? Will Bobbie notice that Lucas has been gone for two days, or is she too busy trying to cover up her Hooker past to notice he is missing? Will Brook Lynn find some more bracelets to wear to rattle and scare away any real ghosts lurking in the mansion? Will the Quartermaine's ever learn the value of appliance maintenance? First the boiler at the hotel, and now the walk-in freezer in the mansion - isn't it clear any broken appliances will eventually become Crime Scenes?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, so I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.


Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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