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 Two Scoops: January 10, 2005 columns
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For the Week of January 10, 2005
When Alexis said of Kristina 'She's doing much better, she's gotten her energy back.' I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my Starbucks Wild Sweet Orange tea, which would have been a shame.
When Alexis said of Kristina "She's doing much better, she's gotten her energy back." I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my Starbucks Wild Sweet Orange tea, which would have been a shame. Don't kids with energy move, or giggle, or talk, or show some visible signs of life? Kristina NEVER moves. I have determined there is some secret microchip implanted in those Chicken Hawk glasses (I had glasses at her age, too - but at least my Mom picked out cute ones.) that sends electrical jolts if she attempts to squirm or squeak out a noise. My husband pointed out it could be like the dog "Invisifence" where the dog collar gives the dog a shock if he walks out of the yard. I have seen soap kids killed off before because they couldn't keep their mouths shut. My Mom and I were convinced that one baby back on Ryan's Hope was killed off for that reason. He was perfectly healthy and then one day said on camera "I want my REAL Mommy" and then a week later came down with some dreaded ailment and died. Mind you, this was from 1972 or 73 when I was 12, so if my memory has failed me on this point, don't be too harsh. I only remember a few things from back then - Nixon, bell-bottoms, David Cassidy, Bobby Sherman, and a vague cloud of see that other kids actually walk instead of being carried everywhere, and are known to occasionally utter words right out loud. "Gotten her energy back" my butt.

I would be ultra-mega-wicked excited if her first full sentence was "Daddy, how come your lawyer has Gi-normous lips?" but a simple "Mama" would be better than nothing. Speaking of Jordan and her massive Jaggeresque lips, what kind of Skanky lawyer would fly off with some Mob Boss client she just met to his private island? I know those dimples are hard to resist, but really - wouldn't you like to see someone say NO to Sonny just once? "Thanks, but no - I have several other clients and they expect me to be in court next week. Besides, Fruity Umbrella Drinks and Black Jack just isn't my thing, I prefer Chess and warm milk." The truth is, Sonny and Jordan have no chemistry - and I don't like it when the powers that be randomly break up couples that DO sizzle and force relationships that don't even ignite. Jordan and Sonny will never be a Super Couple, and no matter how many times they throw them together they can't manufacture a SPARK where there is none.

Sonny does have chemistry with Ric though, and every time I see Ric Hearst and Maurice Bernard interact I salivate like Pavlov's dog. There is such depth there; I want them to explore that relationship on every possible level. Sonny and Ric have to deal with on a regular basis and I would like to thank the clever writer who put Ric and Alexis together and let Ric be stepfather to Kristina. There have been some really great scenes and I expect more. I also like the blossoming of Alexis and Ric's marriage from one of convenience to a real live love affair. However...is it just me, or has Nancy Lee Grahn been "phoning it in" since the powerhouse scenes with Kristina's illness and Sam losing her baby? She did wonderful work in those scenes, but in the past week I have gotten the impression that she's just going through the motions. Her brain is there, but not her heart... Maybe she's just still exhausted after the holidays like I am.

Ted King's heart is there for certain. Even when he isn't saying a word he is so engaged - you can see the inner struggles he is facing coming to terms with the notion of fatherhood. It's all there in his eyes. If Diego flees with W.O.M. (Way Older Maria) he's a ninny. I think Maria had some "Back to the Future" experience. When we first met her, she was introduced as Diego's sister, and was clearly a little older than him, but certainly not old enough to be his Mom. Then in some writer's meeting someone said "Hey! Let's make Maria Diego's MOM!" but someone else said "Dude, she's only 23 and he's 20 (playing 17) she CAN'T be his Mom!" But a wily third writer chimed in with "Let's just dump the girl we have now in spite of the fact that she is doing a wonderful job and hire an older Maria so our new dumb plan can work. If fans don't like W.O.M. we can just re-hire 1st Maria back and say Diego dreamed it all after a hit of acid." On the up side, I have to admit, Diego was a bit less wooden this week, and he actually had some scenes where he didn't sound like he was reading his lines straight off the paper. Bravo!

At least Diego isn't Courtney's problem anymore. But Courtney, being codependent, has found a new needy person to save in Bridget. BTW, the thing I am most annoyed about with Bridget is that Jason and Sam were just about to finally DO IT and the dumb Bridget annoyance caused them to be interrupted again. For that alone she doesn't deserve her baby. Back to the point... there is a certain breed of person who sees someone in trouble and says "Someone has to help them!" and then it dawns on you... "Hey! I'm someone, *I* will help them." And proceeds to get sucked in to someone else's drama and become entirely immersed in trying to rescue someone who appears to be drowning. I am personally afflicted with said ailment and doubt I will shake it. I enjoy watching Courtney make my mistakes on national TV! Ever hear the Shakespeare quote "They play's the thing wherein we'll capture the conscience of the king." from Hamlet? Watching Courtney put her own life on hold to try to straighten out other people's messed up lives has helped me see my problem more clearly than my therapy sessions! : Note to Courtney; more Flour Sex with Jax in the kitchen, and less "Messiah Complex" with Bridget and Diego okay?

Bridget is troubled, and worse, she is incredibly stupid. She gave her baby to a hit man and his girlfriend and now she's testing their patience. Doesn't she realize that Jason could make her disappear and make it look like she ran away? That's what I keep rooting for him to do anyway, as I think we have enough troubled teens in Port Charles and don't need another. As I keep saying. I'm more interested in the characters we already have - give Ned something to do, give Tracy some new scheme, give Bobbie a new romance, give Felicia a new adventure, let Justus explain to the Q's that he wants to marry Faith and bring her on at ELQ - take the characters we know and love and utilize them instead of bringing in characters we don't know and trying to force us into being interested in them. If Maria and Diego move to Mexico, fine. If Bridget gets shipped off to military school, I'm okay with that. If the "mugger" mugs Jordan again and accidentally drops her into the Port Charles Harbor, cool.

That would clear the way for Constance Towers to have more delicious Helena scenes. I was so happy to see her peaking through the doorway on the Haunted Star the other day. Back in the day, we didn't have "Layered" villains -we had people like Helena who were just plain evil for no good reason and you could revel in your hatred for them. They had no redeeming qualities, they were just wicked. Like Darth Vadar before we found out his "Backstory" - he just used The Force to strangle people, who annoyed him or got in his way, and we didn't really know why he was so surly - he just was. That's why it's fun to have Helena back. A normal Grandma who didn't like the girl her grandson was engaged to would just try to convince him she was a whiny pipsqueak and that he could do better. But not Helena! Her solution is to kill Emily in some grand psychotic way. This is a woman who kept her dead son frozen under the hospital for 20 years so she could thaw him out when technology allowed, I mean she's creative in her insanity. I'm glad Helena is back simply because we don't have any villains left. With Faith gone (for a little while longer at least) and Lorenzo being too damned handsome and charming to be a real villain, we need a good villain to liven things up. And, to spare us from Emily's insipid and annoying whining - admit it, won't you quietly be cheering for Helena to accomplish her mission and rid us of Emily? The only thing that would be better is if Caesar Faison came back to town as Helena's new lover and teamed up with her again. He was a great whack job, too. He may be my favorite villain ever because just like the Phantom of the Opera, (SEE THE MOVIE) you know he's a maniac, but he still turns you on a little. (Or is that just me?)

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Lorenzo kill Carly's Daddy when he discovers John wants him arrested for Mary Bishop's murder? Will Rosie move into the big new house with 8 acres and a name so she can run again instead of being locked in Courtney's sock drawer? Will Steven ever wear scrubs at the hospital instead of Dockers? Will Kristina be kicked out of her fancy preschool when it's discovered she's mute? Will Emily do it with Connor and realize he's better in bed than Nik and opt to let Nik rot in prison? In the probably impending custody case 3, 4 years down the line, will Hope choose her Mob Family, or her Psychotic Teenage Mom family to live with? Will Lois see a stylist and tell them she doesn't want the "Peter Pan" haircut anymore? Will Carly's "brain injury" flair up now that she's locked in an elevator with Lorenzo and force her to have hot elevator sex?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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