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 Two Scoops: August 15, 2005 columns
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For the Week of August 15, 2005
Sam is downright traumatized because someone kidnapped her and is going to force her to marry a billionaire and ballroom dance.
Sam is downright traumatized because someone kidnapped her and is going to force her to marry a billionaire and ballroom dance. Holy crap, I'm going to start praying every day that someone will force me to marry a billionaire and ballroom dance. How do I get THAT gig? Oh sure, she loves Jason and he's a great guy, but the billionaire ballroom dancing dude seems okay, too, so where's the problem? And Sam's newly discovered evil twin Allie looks JUST like Sam except for the bad bangs. Wouldn't it be awful if someone looked just like you but had bad bangs? People might mistake her for you and think YOU had bad bangs. Soap chicks have the most terrifying problems.

What sort of high school did Carly and Reese attend that would track down a "presumed dead" student and invite her to the class reunion? They did their best to answer that for us by that "p.s." on the bottom of the invitation, but really, what person do you know that could keep that sort of secret for 15 years? "Yeah I went to High School with this chick that everyone thought died in a fatal car accident. She actually lived and got plastic surgery and changed her name and now she's an FBI agent stalking some cheerleader who did her wrong in the 10th grade." Man, if I was sitting on that story, I'd be calling Oprah and Jerry Springer to see who'd give me the best fee for telling it.

Next question... Why was Reese carrying such incriminating evidence around in her purse for the baby to tip over anyway? If my whole life was some elaborate ruse and someone mailed me a letter that spelled it all out in black and white, I'd be in my kitchen holding it to my gas burner and torching it. (Which would set off my smoke alarm.) Not to mention how on Earth would this person know where to send the invitation, as Reese has been living in some hotel? Did she call her old high school chum and give them her change of address? "Yeah, I was working on this kidnapping case and fell for the local mob boss. So, if you need to reach me with Class of 1990 News, I am shacked up in a hotel where I just sit around waiting for him to call me to come have sex. I quit the FBI and now I'm a lawyer. Oh yeah, and my partner in the law firm I started is the brother of the mob boss, whom I have also slept with. It's good work, as we never really try any cases, we just threaten people."

The worst part of this storyline, utter stupidity notwithstanding, is the whole "I don't like NuCarly" factor. I don't care if Reese has been running a con on Carly because I don't care about this incarnation of Carly. I had to admit to myself that if Tamara Braun was still Carly, I'd be sucked right in to this tale even knowing they rewrote history to tell it. I could suspend my disbelief for Tamara, but not for The Replacement. Although, I hate to keep saying it, because after I whined for weeks about the mute Kristina, she has just vanished without explanation. If I don't shut up about Carly, one day she just may not be there anymore and no one will ever tell us where she went.

Of course, sometimes characters magically re-appear, too, like Lucas this week at the Pizza Shack. We haven't seen him since he ditched GH to play the gay roommate of the yard boy on Desperate Housewives. Now, Poof~ here he is again. Man, I wish I could *poof* people back and forth like that old A-Ha video where the guy keeps coming in and out of the cartoon trash basket. Of course there are some people I would *poof* into the trash basket and never release them, but I shan't name names.

Maxie and Brook Lynn both went to the Pizza place and got date rape drugs in their Diet Pepsi on the same night? Why what a sordid and dangerous Pizzeria! I thought a dangerous pizzeria was one where the dude making your pizza didn't wash his hands before kneading the dough, or has one of those weasely goatees and strokes it over the sauce pan. Little did I know that the local pizzeria is the new teen hotbed of Mickey-slipping? Also, I'd like to point out that at my old hometown pizzeria; we got kicked out for tossing packets of parmesan cheese across the room after the football game. Maxie was up writhing around on the tables and didn't get kicked out, although shortly thereafter she did pass out. Heaven help us if this lands her back in the hospital and we have to watch some more lectures from Mac and generic whimpering from Fake-lecia.

Speaking of fakes, who let Emily don a lab coat? Has she even been to a single class yet? Sure, she's been volunteering, but I thought she was passing out magazines or getting people to pee in cups, I certainly didn't think she was Lab Coat Worthy. Would you feel safe at the hospital if you needed treatment and the doctor at hand was flipping through their spiral notebook to see if they took notes the day your ailment was discussed? Thankfully she's a thorough note-taker and found the antidote to the injection Dr. Thomas gave Sam. As soon as Emily jabbed her with it, she was fine - up, about and ready to be kidnapped and forced to Waltz.

Liz busted Nik and Courtney kissing, so will she A) Keep her fat mouth shut, or B) Run straight to Jax and tattle? Hard to say, it's a toss up. She has kept big secrets (Like hiding Jason in her apartment while wounded), blabbed big secrets (Like telling Lucky about Emily's rape) and bullied people into blabbing their own secrets (Like blackmailing Emily to tell Nikolas about Connor by threatening to tell him herself.) So, it's a toss up. Since she is pregnant with Jax and Courtney's baby, she may feel compelled to clue Jax in as she won't want a cheatin' ho to be mother to the child she is carrying. Not to mention Emily is her best friend, so that kind of stacks the odds in favor of- 'she's gonna tell'.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Alexis win her lawsuit, or give birth in the Judges Chambers? Will Monica find another reason to remind Alan that the Q mansion is HER house? Will Lucas drop by Port Charles High to pick up his diploma since he was invisible during graduation? Will Andrew get more suspicious that Sam isn't Allie when she requests they dance the Hokey Pokey? Will Nik and Courtney just throw caution to the wind and just lay down on the docks with their big scary passion? Will Lorenzo ask Skye to move in after Carly and her American Tourister Luggage are gone?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.



Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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