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 Two Scoops: August 29, 2005 columns
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Turn your face to the moonlight
For the Week of August 29, 2005
Once upon a time, Jason Quartermaine was a stand up guy, a decent, peace- loving fellow, a med student, and the pride and joy of his family.
Once upon a time, Jason Quartermaine was a stand up guy, a decent, peace- loving fellow, a med student, and the pride and joy of his family. Enter his drunken brother AJ, a sports car, and a tree to the head, and voila! We got Jason Morgan, hit man, and mobster with no memory of the vanilla med student he once was. Now, a mind altering drug and a few migraines later, Jason is having blacks out and no memory EITHER of his pasts, not the Med Student Past, nor the Hit Man Past.

What are they going to make him now? Maybe the guy who sells popsicles in the park can befriend him and he can become the Ice Cream man, or maybe Helena Cassadine will adopt him and he can study up on cryogenics and unfreeze Stavros and Stefan. (C'mon, you don't think they're really dead, do you?) Or maybe Elton the Wedding Planner can seduce Jason and convince him he's gay, or maybe some loopy chick like Mary can find him rambling around the woods and can teach him to carve wooden ducks, or Liz can get him to pose nude and paint him, or Courtney can convince him he's still her husband, or Robin can come back and get him in bed because he won't remember she has AIDS. Jason is a blank slate again. Once was great. Really. Jason Quartermaine was boring. Jason and Keesha were beyond dull as a couple; I don't know how they went for an hour without putting each other to sleep. Thus, I truly welcomed New Brain Damaged Jason, "the hit man with a heart of gold."

Steve Burton, bless his heart, just plays the heck out of whatever they give him. Jason Morgan has killed people so many times without even blinking, but this week when he went into auto pilot and killed someone, we could see the look of sheer horror spread across his face, like he had just discovered for the first time that he was KILLING people and didn't quite know how he knew to do that. He doesn't remember that he's a hit man, and he doesn't know how he could grab two guns away from 2 guys and fire behind his back and under his knees and ricochet bullets off of immobile objects and have them bounce into some dudes' neck. Maybe he'll conclude he's a rodeo stunt rider in Vegas in the Wild West Show. Both Steve Burton and Kelly Monaco are giving their all acting wise to this plot.

However (didn't you know that was coming?) the other part of this storyline, the 'Sam, Ali, Andrew, Allegra, (isn't that an allergy pill?) Jail' portion of this sphere is pretty bogus. Let's recap for those who may have missed it; Allegra was SO intent on securing a future for her daughter, that she combed the world over to find a body double to pose as her daughter in a fake marriage so she could inherit a gazillion bucks. Allegra was willing to hire goons, kidnap people, commit crimes all over the place for love of her daughter, and then this week she suddenly protects Sam instead, which she has known for a grand total of 4 days ago. She chooses to free Sam and leaves her beloved daughter Ali locked in prison for murder? Is she bi-polar? What the heck? Loyalty doesn't evaporate like cheap sunscreen in California.

But I suppose that plot isn't any sillier than the REO Speedwagon journey of the 6 whack jobs in Liz and Lucky's place. The whole "Heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who, heard it from another you been messin' around" plot. Newsflash to all hypocrites in this scenario; I have a long memory. Emily was married to Zander, and had a little side romance with Nikolas. Jax was married to Skye, and when Brenda showed up, Jax left skid marks from his speedy exit out of Skye's place. For two people like Jax and Emily who have such high and lofty ideals about the sanctity of marriage, they seem to have forgotten there own dances with infidelity. Nik and Courtney are idiots, but they aren't actually adulterers. Yet.

The most annoying player in this scenario in my opinion is Jax. Jax's character has become so self centered and full of himself it's hard to watch him, as in real life, he's become the kind of guy I'd loathe. He doesn't care about what is happening in anyone else's' life, he isn't interested in anyone else's pain or trials or concerns; he thinks only of himself. Not a thought about his wife, or about Liz who is carrying his child as a surrogate, neither about Lucky, nor about anyone. He won't listen to anyone's explanations about why things happened, and when you stop hearing the people you love, that's the beginning of the end. Remember when Jax was fun? Remember when he was heroic and charming and selfless? I liked that guy much better than this guy. Maybe he took a hit of Jason's experimental medication.

OTOH - Nik and Courtney are retarded. They keep making out on the docks. Not in a Motel 6 across town, but right out in the open on the docks where everyone in town must pass by to get from point A to point B. And then they are startled each time they get caught, as though they thought they had borrowed Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility and its batteries ran out. They're protestations of "No! Really! We aren't having sex!" may be true, but a lot harder for their respective spouses to believe as they keep getting caught with their tongues down each other's throats on the docks. I absolutely understand the concept of "irresistible passion" but if they are going to do it, I wish they'd just do it already and stop pretending to try to work on their respective marriages. They have decided this is Fate. They have concluded the universe is telling them to be together. Then BE together, I mean if the UNIVERSE has personally spoken to them and told them this is their DESTINY, how can they fight it?

But they keep trying. At least a little -Nikolas made a big plea to Emily _ "Please come back to me. We can make this work. I will be home waiting for you, whenever you're ready to come back and wait constantly for her to call. Instead, he skedaddled off to Wyndemere and called Courtney before he'd even wiped his feet on the welcome mat, with a "Hey baby, what about US? Where does this leave US?" What an idiot.

Jax is also pretending to reunite with Courtney. I didn't put a spoiler alert there, because if you didn't see that coming, well, you should have. Liz won't give Jax the baby without Courtney, so Jax is pretending to take Courtney back to ensure he gets custody of the baby Liz is carrying. That's why Justus keeps lurking around in the shadows behind his walls. (Btw- doesn't poor Justus deserve a plot of his own? Port Charles has become the whitest city ever lately.) I pity the poor kid Liz is carrying; it's going to be the most messed up kid ever if these 6 lunatics are going to keep passing him/her around.

Speaking of messed up - I asked a question way back when "Ghost Lily" was wandering around freely on Sonny's balcony which was never answered. "How the hell did she get out there?" and I ask it again today as Carly was skulking around out on Reese's balcony while she and Sonny were inside 'making up" (a.k.a-foreplay.) Sonny lived in a penthouse. Top floor. Guards. Reese was home. How did Carly sneak in and get herself out on the patio without anyone seeing her? You'd think after she broke in to Reese's place last time Sonny would have told his men to keep Carly out of the place, but alas, these she was, inexplicably lurking on the balcony, ready to come in and rip up Reese's sofa with a letter opener. I only wish she had taken her anger out on Reese's closet instead, as Reese has some of the ugliest clothes I've ever seen in my life - outfits that if she were an A-list movie star would be in the Enquirer's "Would You Be Caught Dead In This Outfit?" photo montage.

Carly ripped Reese's place up and sped across town to Sonny's with a loaded weapon that she stole from Reese - which leads me to ask since Reese is a lawyer now and not an FBI agent, why the stash of loaded weapons in the penthouse? Carly had a gun on Sonny and fired it several times. We all know she is crazy, but hopefully not crazy enough to actually shoot Sonny. She'll be bummin' if she did, as Jason who always bails her out of jail and busts her out of mental hospitals has no memory right now and won't have any idea who she is...

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Maxie slip a rufie into her own drink so she has an excuse for skanky nude photos to be taken so she reclaims the Maximum Maxie nickname? Will Courtney dump Nik when he refuses to let Rosie move to Wyndemere as dogs make Sheba skittish? Will Jason have a crazy urge to listen to Blues Traveler and Hootie and the Blowfish as he last blacked out in 1996? Will they put NuCarly in a room with Laura at Shadybrook and leave her there until a better replacement is found?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.



Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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