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 Two Scoops: September 22, 2008 columns
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The voices in our heads
For the Week of September 22, 2008
I think Kate should be in the ward with Lulu actually, because apparently she can hallucinate away the fact that Sonny slept with Carly and lied about it for months and just happily go back to planning her wedding like the Stepford Wife wannabe that she has become.
Last night I was in pain, so I took some Advil and later had a glass of red wine. I fell asleep and proceeded to dream about the cartoon magician and the rabbit from the Frosty the Snowman cartoon. The three of us were walking along talking as if we were all friends. Then, the magician and I were looking for the rabbit who had wandered off someplace. Seriously. So, I sort of feel for poor crazy Lulu who not only hallucinated that her comatose Mom has been coherent and hanging out with her all week, but also imagined that she had a detailed conversation about her mother's case with an imaginary doctor. Or so it seems. Maybe Laura will wake up and the Not A Doctor will be real, but, I suspect it's kind of like dreaming you are friends with a seasonal cartoon character.

I wonder why Lulu didn't fake talk to Luke, too and make her parents have a fake reunion since it's all in her head. Maybe this whole summer has been one of those Bobby Ewing seasons of Dallas where the whole thing was just a bad dream. It was probably her cruddy job with Kate that pushed her over the edge mentally. If I had to work for Kate I would end up in rehab for certain. All that fussiness over her damned latte, if I were Lulu, she would have worn that coffee.

I think Kate should be in the ward with Lulu actually, because apparently she can hallucinate away the fact that Sonny slept with Carly and lied about it for months and just happily go back to planning her wedding like the Stepford Wife wannabe that she has become. The tough and savvy business person has morphed into a spineless whimpering girl who can be blackmailed into almost anything by the threat of a broken mirror. I also grew up with superstitious sorts, like my Grandma who told me that if I rocked a rocking chair with my foot when no on was in it, I was inviting ghosts into the house. I did it for years and a ghost never appeared. What? Was our house not good enough for Casper to visit? Um, no - it was just nonsense.

Kate should take some lessons from Jax on holding a grudge. Kate is like a Speed-Forgiver, she let Sonny off the hook in 48 hours. About 7 flashes of his dimples and Voila, it's all forgotten, and she's back to doing her seating chart for the wedding. Although she won't need a chair for Jason, he declined her invitation. Seems there was a scheduling conflict, better know as he would rather be poked in the eyes with knitting needles than have to go to that wedding.

Kate, Kate, Kate. I have lost people I loved, too and have been very sad and vulnerable. I have been comforted by friends during those times, but I somehow managed not to bang any of them in my moments of gut wrenching agony and sorrow. Kate let Sonny off the hook way too quickly. Sonny is probably saying "WooHoo! This marriage is going to rock." Because he knows he can get away with just about anything.

Jax, on the other hand, is better at holding a grudge, but is making his own stupid choices such as participating in extreme sports and dating Leyla which has never really worked out well for anyone yet.

In other Mob romance this week, Max and Diane had a serious falling out which left both of them crying on the shoulders of anyone who would listen. When Max expressed his opinion that it would have been better if no one had found out about Sonny and Carly's ONS, Diane jumped to the conclusion that he thought cheating was okay, and therefore meant he must have cheated on her. Max decided Diane was using reverse psychology to cover her own sins and assumed she must have cheated on him. She called him her Boy Toy. Hilarity ensued. These two are priceless together. Thankfully Max pulled a "Say Anything" moment complete with a boom box serenade under her balcony. Diane shed a few happy tears and apparently all is well in Gangsta Paradise.

Earlier in the evening, Diane tried to bear her soul to Alexis, but Alexis had her own romantic woes. Alexis proceeded to fill Diane in on the fact that her eldest daughter Sam is kind of a 'ho' who had already slept with one of her men, namely Ric, and was possibly on the prowl for her latest man, Jerry. Diane reminded Alexis that Jerry isn't always the most trustworthy sources of info, but Alexis looked worried in spite of Diane's comforting words. Oh wait, I guess telling Alexis her boyfriend was a lying psychopath wasn't really all that comforting. Call me judgmental, but I still cannot grasp that relationship. I have one nephew named Christopher. If some maniac had drugged and tried to poison him, you can bet I would never ever date the sorry S.O.B. that tried to harm my sister's child. Period. The end. Even if he was kinda cute and had a sexy accent.

I absolutely love reading your letters, and this week one of my clever readers named Janet emailed me a note that cracked me up, so - I'm sharing… "No wonder Laura can't get well, who sleeps upright in a wood rocking chair? If she's not in bed, can't they get her an upholstered chair?" Good question, Janet. And why is it that the only doctor who has checked in on Laura is the one in Lulu's head? And why did they brush her hair when she was comatose but won't give her a brush now? So many questions. But my biggest question is, WHERE IS LUKE? Over the years, Luke has had a 6th sense about his family. He has come home from being on 'the run' when needed. I can't imagine that Lulu losing her mind and murdered someone without Luke finding out about it.

Carly, on the other hand, found out about Liz and Jason getting it on in Jason's bedroom because she rudely barged in and stomped into Jason's bedroom uninvited. Who does that? Apparently, only Carly.

Last week a few of you thought I was too hard on Liz. You misunderstand - I don't hate Liz, quite the opposite, I love Liz. I know she loves Jason. I just hate the way she is being written right now. It's beneath her to have to beg Jason to sleep with her. Her character has been a decent woman with dignity, but she has become some shallow and horny version of the woman I know she truly is. I want her to regain her self respect. She keeps saying she doesn't expect Jason to give up his lifestyle for her. Well, why not? Why doesn't she expect that? Why is she willing to accept that he'd rather kill people than raise his son with her? There is a lot to be said for accepting people as they are and not trying to change them. I am all for that. But the rules are a little swayed when you are dating a hit man who murders people for a living when you have two small kids.

Do I want them to have a happily ever after? Sure I do. Do I want it to come at the expense of Cam or Jake getting shot in the head like Michael? Now I don't understand the inner criminal workings, but why can't Jason just turn over his portion of the mob to Bernie or Claudia or one of the 5 family remnants, or max and Milo or anyone and just split? I'll never get it.

I will also never understand how Epiphany got that stubborn old goat Edward Q to switch his vote and set Johnny Zacharra free. Seriously, what does Epiphany have on Edward? If I haven't said so lately, thank you ABC for hiring back John Ingle. I do adore him. But Edward was so adamant about convicting Johnny, and suddenly, the jury came back with a not guilty verdict. And that was after the jury plant (that just for the record played a role on Night Shift last season) was found out and kicked off the jury.

At any rate, Johnny was set free and made a beeline to Shadybrook to see Lulu, but instead got a lecture from Lainey about how he should stay away if he really cared about Lulu's recovery. Yeah, that's what she needs, someone else to dessert her. I wonder how Dr. Winters knows what is best for Lulu since I think that is only the third time I have seen her in that room since Lulu was admitted.

She will be sorry she didn't stay at GH because she missed all the excitement of discovering that Matt Hunter is Noah Drake's secret love child, and thus, Patrick's half brother. Noah made some lame excuse and his only defense was "Hey, I sent your Mom MONEY, after all." An excuse which didn't really fly with Matt OR Patrick. Maybe now that Matt knows Patrick didn't know about him he can let go of some of his resentment. But I doubt it. The chip on his shoulder is as big as those brontosaurus ribs that used to tip over Fred Flintstone's car. Robin made an attempt to talk to Matt about her baby, and call him "uncle", but Matt was having none of it, he apparently prefers being ignored and mistreated.

A few of you wrote last week to express your concern that I didn't mention Sam and Lucky's hot sex scene. Well, you're right, and I didn't mention it because…so what? Sam and Lucky were making out in the clinic but can't anymore of course since it burnt down. Sam and Lucky have made out in her hot tub; Sam and Lucky have done it on her sofa. Their whole relationship at present is the two of them finding ways to sneak around and have sex. They have sex more than the undercover work they are supposedly doing on the counterfeit drug ring. If they spent as much time investigating as they did getting laid, the bad drugs would be off the streets by now. Certainly, some of their sex scenes are hot, but they aren't really moving the plot forward at all, so I don't always mention them. At present, Sam is fake seducing Jerry to try to pump him for info, but so far they have only succeeded at making Lucky jealous and pissing off Alexis.

In other highlights;

• Maxie and Spinelli made profiles for both Jason and Carly on an online dating website and the program said they are a perfect match for one another.

• Anthony was so wowed by Claudia's lies being responsible for getting Johnny out of a lethal injection that he offered to let her into the business. Anthony is pretty sweet on Ric right now, too. Claudia and Ric are a very promising pairing. I hope the rumors are not true about Rick Hearst leaving GH.

• Nik and Alfred have begun nursing Nadine back to health at Wyndemere and Nikolas has realized he actually cares about Nadine.

• Sonny made a trip to Benson Hurst to try to track down Connie's long lost Cousin Olivia. This can't be good.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Lulu please hallucinate Johnny in front of a piano so we can hear some pretty music again? Will Sonny run in to the guy whose restaurant he burned down last time he visited Benson Hurst? Will Scott Baldwin bring Serena to town to keep an eye on her now that Anthony knows where she lives? Will Matt discover he has a rock star that is his identical twin? Will Crimson ever actually publish a magazine that someone will hold in their hand and read?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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