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 Two Scoops: November 24, 2008 columns
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Get back to where you once belonged
For the Week of November 24, 2008
Olivia, go home already. Don't you work for a living?
Olivia, go home already. Don't you work for a living? Isn't anyone back home looking for you? Isn't your rent due yet? Did you leave someone to feed your cat? Is your teenage son having keg parties in your absence? Did you bring enough clothes for a month long visit? Olivia came to town ostensibly for Kate's wedding. The wedding has been called off. She's still in Port Charles. She has been hospitalized for nearly burning up inside of Sonnybucks, her cousin was shot, and her son Dante spoke on the phone to the father she doesn't want him to know about. You would think she would leave on her own without anyone having to tell her it's time to go. Some relatives are like that though, they say they want to visit for a week and the next thing you know it is three months later and they are still on your sofa. Mind you, I like Olivia, but if they are going to have her stay in Port Charles indefinitely, they will have to explain it. She can't just keep "being in town for the wedding."

Why anyone would stay in Port Charles is beyond me. If I were Mac Scorpio and I was on my way to investigate the 933rd mob shooting at the docks, I would light fire to every warehouse and every dock in the harbor. I have never seen any actual business going on down there, it's all criminal activity. Maybe Spinelli can do it. We all know he can't fire a weapon, but if Mac gave him the task of torching the grounds where the plots were hatched against wise Georgie and Maximista, I bet he could Google how to become a successful arsonist. The scene this week when he admitted his love to Maxie while she was unconscious was deliciously tender and achingly sweet. I just adore Spinelli.

I think Alice must have Googled how to become a masseuse. So now, Alice is a maid, a big time wrestler, and an expert on deep tissue massage? WooHoo. The Quartermaine's sure struck gold when they hired her. Tracy told Luke it was over, but there he is, getting a rubdown in her living room, drinking Edward's scotch and pretending it never happened. Will it hold? I doubt it, I think Tracy will cave in, because God help her, she is in love with Luke. She's angry because she was eavesdropping on Lulu and Luke and heard him admit that he would have gone with Laura to France if she had only asked. This is why you shouldn't eavesdrop. You might hear something that will hurt you and it is far better to be oblivious and happy.

Two people who are not happy right now are Nikolas and Jax. I have to say, the writers have come up with some trash over the years, but they have outdone themselves with the latest historical revision. Spoon Island was previously occupied by the deliciously evil Caesar Faison, one of my favorite GH villains. At the time, he said he leased Spoon Island from the Cassadines who OWNED it. Now we are suddenly expected to believe they have been leasing it for the last 28 years from a Native American Tribe who sold it to Jax? So since 1990, the Cassadines never tried to buy it? Jax just had a better smile? No, it's ridiculous. To the best of my knowledge, the Cassadines owned this property all along.

It would have been funny if Spencer had come running out when he heard the voices of his 2 Daddies' arguing in the hallway. Of course, we haven't seen Spencer in eons, I think Alfred keeps him chained up in the horse stables or something. Nikolas chose to have brain surgery for Spencer's sake and since then hasn't even had breakfast with him as far as we know. They will probably haul him out for Christmas when all the kids have the party at the hospital. It's the most wonderful time of the year! We will finally see Molly, Kristina, Spencer, Jake, Cameron, and Morgan together in one place. Why isn't Jax mourning Jerry if he thinks he is dead, or out there looking for him if he thinks he is alive? Or reacting at all? Why isn't Nikolas doing the thing normal grieving people do and thinking about the loved one he lost as holidays approach? He should be having some flashbacks of Thanksgiving's past and shedding a tear or two. But no, they are both bickering over a business deal.

At least we have one thing to look forward to; the impending nuptials of Claudia and Sonny. Unholy matrimony? You betcha. It's an ill conceived business deal from the warped mind of Anthony Zacharra, a pretty decent villain in his own right. I am still rooting for a romance between Helena Cassadine and Anthony Zacharra. All we need is some good reason for the two of them to team up. The Claudia/Nikolas pairing could have been the key, but instead they stuck Nikolas with the quirky Nadine and dropped the heated chemistry between Sarah J. Brown and Tyler Christopher. Pity. Anyway, I digress.

Sonny has agreed to marry Claudia in order to secure his place at the top of Anthony's organization. This will pit him directly against Jason. I swear to you if Jason shoots Sonny or Sonny shoots Jason in some mob showdown, I may never watch GH again. I can handle the two of them arguing, but if they totally turn on one another, I'm done.

Several people suggested to Jason that he patch things up with Sonny and give him back control of his business before things got even worse, but Jason dug his heels in and said no. This makes no sense to me. The reason Jason said no in the first place was because he feared Sonny would start a war with the Russians and he wanted to protect his men. Well, guess what Jason? Sonny started a war anyway, and his men are already up to their eyeballs in it.

But what's in it for Claudia? Why is she playing along? I think Johnny hit the nail on the head when he asked Claudia if she held out some hope that Sonny would actually fall in love with her. I think she does want that on some level. She's had fun with Rick, but she doesn't see him as a realist about mob life, whereas she knows she and Sonny are from the same world. Besides, she is hot for Sonny and they burn it up in bed together and Claudia equates sex with love and power - all of the things she wants.

Lucky and Jason wanted Sam and Liz to be safe, but they failed miserably. Lucky insisted that they go to his cabin rather than one of Jason's safe houses with guards and such Good plan, Lucky. The instant Lucky took the call from work and decided to leave the girls to go to work; I knew they were doomed. What a moron. The Russian mob has burnt down half the town and left dead bodies piled everywhere. Did Lucky really think it was safe for Sam, Liz and two toddlers to travel alone when said Russian mob was in pursuit of them? I think those pills he was popping last year have left some brain fog.

Now Liz, Sam and the boys are in dire straits. They have no cell phone reception, (can you hear me now? No.) And their landlines have been cut. Jason doesn't know where the cabin is, so he can't rush in and rescue them, and Lucky is working on official police business, so it looks like the former host of Everyday Heroes has to prove her savvy in an emergency once again. Can a cowering Liz and a kicking Sam and two crying kids fend off the Russian mob? Methinks no. My guess is a hostage situation is at hand. Maybe Jerry will rescue them and Sam will forgive him for trying to blow her up last week.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will the Russian mobsters take a shine to Liz and Sam and spare their lives for some hot cabin sex? Will Caesar Faison slither out of one of the caves and Wyndemere and brainwash Jax into giving Nik back the deed to his property? Will Dillon and Ned come home for the traditional Thanksgiving pizza at the Q household? Will anyone but me notice that Ghost Alan has aged since departing the Earth? Did Nikolas loan Sheba to Brooke on the Bold and the Beautiful? (I wrote the Two Scoops for B&B this week, so that was a shameless plug for you to go check it out.) Will Spinelli ever gather the courage to tell Maxie he loves her when she is coherent?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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