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 Two Scoops: January 26, 2009 columns
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Something wicked this way comes
For the Week of January 26, 2009
We are on the verge of disaster. We know it's coming, but it's not quite arrived here. We should feel terror and dread, but I just keep wishing it would get here already.
We are on the verge of disaster. We know it's coming, but it's not quite arrived here. We should feel terror and dread, but I just keep wishing it would get here already. It's like being a kid on a car trip and asking "Are we there yet" every 5 miles. Right now, as a grown woman, I tune in every day and ask "Are we there yet?"

We have seen Patrick talking to Agent Rayner and recanting the gruesome tail for a week now, but we only have hints and glimpses of what is coming. I for one am ready for the main event.

Apparently, some dude is going to have a surgery and is carrying some hazardous chemical or germ warfare in his body manufactured by the dreaded Equinox Corporation and when the scalpel pierces his body, the whole hospital staff collapses. And apparently, some explosion is going to rock Carly's benefit for Michael.

And that could all be totally wrong - those are just pieces of the puzzle I have picked up from Patrick's testimony to Agent Rayner and from the despicable Winnifred's phone calls to her FBI office.

So don't hold it against me next week if none of that actually happens. I have never been great at jigsaw puzzles mainly because I am A.D.D. and can't pay attention that long.

Every week I have one character that I despise, and this week it's Claudia. She is playing Ric, Sonny and her Dad against one another. It's mostly in the desperate attempt to cover her butt over the fact she is the one who is actually responsible for Michael's shooting. Jerry Jax and his DVD hide and seek have really gotten Claudia lost in full fledged panic. And rightly so.

The problem with this is I can't imagine Sonny not killing anyone who had anything to do with Michael's shooting, and since Sarah J. Brown isn't going anywhere, I feel like the writers have painted themselves into a corner. They will have to come up with some crazy and unbelievable story to get Claudia out of danger. Maybe the DVD will melt in the fumes of the toxic disease, or Casey the Space alien will come back from Lumina to cheer up Robin with her post-partum and take the DVD back to his planet for observation.

Maybe she will find it and dub Rick's name in where hers is and pin the shooting on Sonny's brother. Who knows? I just know she bugs me and I want her to go away.

Claudia seduced Ric and was apparently SO good in bed, he gave up the one secret that could really get him killed- Anthony can walk and is the one who shot Kate. Ric is normally smarter than that, so I am stunned he got so stupid over a roll in the hay with Claudia.

While Claudia has become more annoying, Johnny has become more endearing. I am always moved by stories of people who have impossible circumstances in life and try to overcome them. When he first burst on the scene, Johnny was rebellious and reckless and simply about sticking it to Anthony. But LOVE turned him around. He wants to be a better man, he wants a better life, and he is trying with all his might to break free from the mob and get a legitimate job. Trouble is, when you have a name people recognize, they judge you by association, albeit unfairly. Our wonderful new President learned that the hard way during the campaign by having an unfortunate middle name.

He has gone on interviews and been denied jobs simply because his name is Zacharra. Of course he has no experience or work history, so that might also be a contributing factor. But not in the mopping up the hospital job…I think he should ask Luke to hire him on that construction team that is rebuilding an exact replica of Kelly's. People out there want their damned chili.

Maxie knows Johnny is lying about having a job, and heaven knows she is not much of a secret keeper. Maxie asked Lulu to examine her relationship with Johnny; I think she is either uncharacteristically genuinely concerned for them, or hot for Johnny herself. I can't decide. But what Maxie doesn't know is that Lulu also knows that John is lying.

Spinelli had some great lines this week, as always, and my favorite was this - when he found out Sam was assisting Jason is his quest to keep Spinelli out of jail, Spinelli muttered this gem, "This is the final nail in my coffin of wimpdom." HA! I want to shake the boy sometimes. He keeps pushing everyone, including Agent Rayner, and we all know he couldn't last an hour in jail- there is no internet in prison, so he would be the assassin of …nothing. They would eat him for an appetizer just to pass the time. The problem Spinelli has is that many people who live to serve others have an incredibly hard time allowing others serve them. They give and give and give, but when the time comes for them to receive generosity in return, they can't soak it in. They feel unworthy; they feel they are being a burden to others, which is of course nonsense.

Why am I so wise to this you ask? Well, first off, thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who prayed for my Mother's breast cancer surgery this week. The surgery went well, but she is having hard time allowing other people to care for her although she has cared for us her whole life. I saw that same resistance in Spinelli this week. He loves to help, but is so unwilling to let Jason help him now. He was willing to spend his life in prison rather than let Jason and Sam make some small sacrifices to save him. C'mon Damian, you're worth it. Let the people who love you take care of you. And you, too Mama!

Robin sort of wants to take care of Emma, but not really. Not if she has to touch her or be in the room with her. I get that, I don't want baby vomit on me, either. Robin clearly has postpartum depression. Next week I am going to take a shot every time someone says those words. Okay, not really. I would be really drunk and totally unable to function. One of my favorite moments this week was Carly picking up Emma while Robin looked on and Robin getting the sick realization that Carly just might be a better mother than she is. HA!

Another highlight is how an Emily look-alike has wandered all over GH this week and the only person who has seen her was Matt Hunter, the ONE guy on the staff that didn't know Emily. No one else saw her in the hallway, the elevator, the nurse's desk, out on the sidewalk - only Matt. What is Matt like the kid in the 6th Sense? It reminded me of the season that Luke thought Laura was dead and she was stalking him all over town peering around corners and such while that Christopher Cross "Think of Laura" song played in the background. No one ever spotted her, although she was related to the whole town at that point. Ah, the dramatic suspense builds…

Next on the list - Max's quick thinking telling Sonny his shutters were loose when Sonny heard Ric and Claudia going at it in his bed. Um, since when do shutters banging against the house sound like moaning and giggling? Max should make a beeline to Sonny and say "Your tramp wife is banging your brother upstairs." But he probably doesn't want to lose his job when Sonny goes to jail for murder

Another stupid person… Sam. She was recently nearly killed trying to infiltrate the Russian Mob, and decided to…stay as far away as possible? NO! She wants to do the exact same thing with Anthony Zacharra. For an Everyday Hero she sure is a moron. And really, is salvage boat captain really such a hot job in the mob that all mobsters want to hire an 80 pound girl to helm their ships full of drugs and illegal art?

And one more- Kate had a watch custom made for Sonny's wedding gift, and now he doesn't want it and she doesn't want it. It was supposedly very expensive and handcrafted. I think Kate should sell it and give the money to Carly's charity since if she hadn't gone and picked up Michael without his mother's consent, he wouldn't have been shot in the head. Just a thought.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Emma learn to change her own diaper since her mother will never come? Will Anthony forget he's supposed to be crippled and get up and dance at the benefit? Will Olivia ever explain to her son Dante who she supposedly adores why she stayed in Port Charles after the Un-Wedding and never went back for her things or him? Will Claudia end up pregnant with magic Ric sperm and have to seduce Sonny to cover up?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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