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 Two Scoops: March 8, 2010 columns
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The long arm of the law
For the Week of March 8, 2010
There is no escaping Claire Walsh. Wherever you are, that's where she is!
There is no escaping Claire Walsh. Wherever you are, that's where she is…What? Readers, I have had to testify in court a few times in my life, and guess what never happened? The opposing counsel didn't show up on my sofa to badger and taunt me prior to the trial. In fact, I think that's actually illegal. Any legal minds out there want to confirm that for me?


When Jason walked in to find Claire in his private residence sitting on his sofa drinking his imported coffee, my first question was "Why did Sam let her in?" My second question was "Doesn't she realize that Jason is a hit man and could make her disappear right now?" She's kind of a moron; you just don't taunt the Godfather's right hand man in his secluded penthouse. I bet there is some trash shoot in Jason's penthouse that leads straight to an incinerator.


She also showed up at Dante's place of work and to view his visit from Sonny to see how he'd respond. And then, with a room full of witnesses she began loudly bragging about how she set him up just to see how he'd react to his newfound daddy.


There is a difference between being a tough prosecutor who gets things done, and being a bully who shows up and harasses witnesses and gets the case thrown out of court. I peg Claire for the latter.


My new dream job is being the receptionist as Diane and Alexis' law firm. When Diane was answering phones and mentioned she needed to hire someone, I almost wanted to email her my resume. Carolyn Hennesy and Nancy Lee Grahn are brilliant sparkling diamonds on the GH canvas. They liven up the joint. I adore them together and I hope this trial drags on awhile just so I can get more Diane/Alexis legal wrangling, wine guzzling, and shoe shopping from them.


When Diane informed Alexis that they would have to share a desk for the time being due to office remodeling, Alexis got the best line of the week, "You can't do the yackety-yak all day and that sex whispering with Max." Ha! Diane swore she'd keep the sex whispering to a minimum, but certainly didn't promise to avoid it altogether.


I don't know how to break it to Claire, but she's not going to get anything out of Jason, Carly will outright lie, and if she calls Michael to the stand, he's just *itching* to confess to Claudia's murder. Thus, we can predict that Claire will fail at putting Sonny away for life. (Hey, does anyone else but me secretly call the judge Colonel Sanders?)


He doesn't seem to have much control, after all, he let Carly burst in off the street and take over his courtroom. She started ranting about Jax's vendetta against Sonny and…he let her. Let's all try that on Monday. Just go to your local courthouse and burst into the middle of a trial and start loudly ranting about something. Then on Tuesday we can take a poll to see how many of us spent the night in jail!


The thing that angers me most about Jax right now is that he knows for certain Sonny didn't kill Claudia. He is actually putting all of his resources and passion into convicting an innocent man, and justifying to himself that Sonny has it coming. That makes Jax…a dick. I understand Jax's desire to protect his family, but anyone who tries to get someone put in prison knowing they are innocent is just a creep.


Jax isn't a good guy anymore. He's lost his hero status with me. I can't root for him because this single act has made him unlikable and selfish. Carly is right to be angry with him, because digging around in Claudia's murder puts not only Michael, but Carly, Sam, Jason, and Sonny all at risk for their part in covering up Claudia's murder. Has Jax ever considered if it comes out that Carly was part of the cover-up that she herself could end up in jail? I think Lady Jane is a little too old to raise Josslyn.


Speaking of raising babies, Nikolas is suddenly interested in being a daddy, but frankly, I don't trust him. Remember when his last baby was born and it was unclear if Nik or Jax was the daddy? Jax faked the paternity test and kept the baby, named him John and doted on him with Carly as surrogate mom. When Nikolas found out it was his sacred sperm that made baby John, he got custody, changed his name to Spencer and…promptly forgot the baby existed.


I think with Nikolas it's more of a possession thing… "That baby is MINE so I must have it." More than "I love my son." I fear for Liz's baby if it belongs to Nikolas, because he can't be trusted to be a good dad, and being a member of the Cassadine family automatically sets you up for a life of mayhem.


Here's what I would like to see happen…Since we have already aged all the other kids on the show, I think they should age Spencer, and make him decide he loves Granny Helena and reject his neglectful father Nikolas. Wouldn't it be delicious to see Helena with little Spencer as her protégé? Oh, I wish I ruled the world. (Correction, I just want to rule the soap world, the real one is far too annoying.)


Elizabeth was adamantly against an early paternity test until Lucky told her they had no future, and then she couldn't get it done fast enough. Was she hoping she'd miscarry? In Utah they'd arrest her if that happened. (Seriously, they just passed a law.)


Nikolas was trying to prove he was daddy material by bringing Jake and Cam for a visit to see their mommy, but she saw through his pathetic attempt to score points. It appeared Nikolas took Cam for a buzz cut while mommy was in Shadybrook because all his little curls are gone. Also, he had on a t-shirt that said "Tractor Pull Champ" and since I am sure he's not the tractor pull champ, are we to surmise Uncle Nikolas took him to see a Tractor Pull or a Truck-a-Saurus show? Maybe he's a better uncle than a dad. At least Nikolas remembered he had a child this week and mentioned his name. That's a start.


On the other hand, Lucky is a great daddy. In the scene where he was telling Jason about what a great kid Jake is and about his blue toy truck, I actually got a little teary-eyed. Readers, I say this every week, and you may want to punch me but I LOVE Jonathan Jackson. I want Liz's baby to be Lucky's. And, since everyone keeps saying that the odds are in Nikolas' favor, according to Soap Logic, the baby will most certainly be Lucky's.


Mind you, that doesn't mean that Lucky will know it's his. Helena has her warped fingers in the middle of this, and I predict that she will switch the paternity test to say the baby is Nick's even if it isn't. Why? Well, to thwart long-time rival Luke, to give Nikolas what he wants - who knows what motivates Helena. She's just devious and crazy; that's why we love her so. Lucky night not find out the baby is his until the kid's 10, or he might find out right after Liz marries Nikolas, or…some other version of "soap-spense." (That's my word, I just made it up and I hereby copyright it!


One thing I like about Liz right now is her dreamy brother, Steven. Scott Reeves is on contract now and staying in Port Charles for a while which is great news. Steven Webber seems to be a real stand-up guy who is a rational person who can talk down the likes of "Angry Robin," so you know he's got patience to spare. The bad thing about Port Charles at present is that we have a few eligible bachelors with no possible love matches. Ethan needs someone older than Kristine, and Steven needs someone less annoying than Lisa, whom I despise.


I was somewhat shocked by a conversation Patrick had with Lisa Tequila this week; it almost sounded as if he was jealous of Robin's HIV status. He was whining to Lisa about Robin's bond to Sonny because of Stone's AIDS and her HIV status. He said Robin's HIV was "some private part of her he couldn't share" and I thought "So what are you saying Patrick, do you wish you had HIV, too, so you two could bond?"


It was just a ridiculous thing for his character to say. It again convinced me that the writers are willing to sink to any low to break up Robin and Patrick, or at least to get him to cheat on her. I can almost hear Lisa's next line "Well, Patrick, I don't have HIV, either, so I understand how left out you must feel" as they fall into a drunken kiss. Blech.


On the other hand, I wish Lulu and Dante would kiss, drunk, sober, or any way at all. They have had more instances of coitus interruptus than anyone I know. Every time they try to have a moment alone, someone bursts in unannounced, Olivia with a lasagna, or Claire with some baseless accusations, or Ronnie with some strange pronouncement about how the Feds are making the PCPD officers all work for them… Is that even legal? Man, this week I need a paralegal on staff for all my burning questions.


I wish Lulu and Dante would hop in their car and drive to Niagara Falls or any place their large array of family and friends wouldn't think to look for them. These two really deserve a romantic night alone. I love them as a couple; they are perfectly matched and have splendid chemistry. Of course, there are many complications that could arise when Luke's daughter and Sonny's son hook up. They will spend a life of walking a tightrope between legal and illegal activities, but that just adds to the fun!


Every time Dante and Sonny fight, and Dante talks about Sonny killing his own wife, I scream at my TV, "Tell him you're covering for Michael!" If someone would just tell Dante that Michael was the real killer, it would change everything. I said that last week, and no one listened, so now I am saying it again. If Dante still doesn't know the truth next week, I will say it then, too. It's driving me crazy that the one piece of evidence that would stop Dante from testifying against Sonny is the one thing no one will tell him. Cop or not, I don't think Dante would send his brain-damaged kid brother to prison for life. What do you think, readers? Isn't it time Dante knew the truth?


Michael is the only sensible family member right now. He wants to confess and tell the truth. If Michael came forward and said "I killed Claudia in self-defense, but my bonehead mob boss dad tried to cover it up for me." Sonny would no longer be on trial for murder. Sure, Sonny might get charged with obstruction of justice or something (again I need a lawyer!) but not with murder. Michael would be most likely acquitted under the circumstances, and Jason and Sonny would take a small hit for the cover-up. But still better than a murder rap. Just sayin'.


In other father/son woes, Luke went to Sonny to get a promise that Ethan would be safe from Sonny's wrath even though he's taken to rummaging and pillaging with Johnny Zacharra. I don't understand Ethan's motives for going along with Johnny, cash notwithstanding. As Ethan initially pointed out, he likes to live on the edge, but doesn't have a death wish. It seems the writers don't know what to do with Ethan since they sent Rebecca packing, so instead of writing a storyline for him, they said "Hey, let's just throw him into the mob with all the other men in Port Charles who aren't doctors."


Personally, I'd rather see Ethan catch Kiefer slapping Kristina and kicking the crap out of him, or having Holly come back and trying to forge a family reunion, or maybe even Elizabeth sleeping with a third brother in Lucky's family. But alas, I just have to watch as another guy is dragged into the seedy world of organized crime for no apparent reason. BTW, Johnny in the Bill Clinton mask shooting at Lucky and jumping off buildings just made me angry. That's so not the Johnny we have known and loved in the past. They are turning Johnny into someone else.


What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Lucky put an even bigger wad of Bubble Yum in his mouth? Will Olivia realize she will need more than lasagna as a peace offering for lying to her kid for 20 years? Will Diane forget and sex whisper at Alexis' desk and get a baloney sandwich in the kisser? Will Spinelli find out Chef Robert's secret with Maxie's help, or is it all a ruse? Will Liz ever get a phone in her room at Shadybrook so the whole town doesn't have to drive all the way up there to have a conversation with her? Will Franco leave any more head shots of himself in Carly's baby photos? Will Bill Clinton object to Johnny using his face to commit crimes? Will Jason and Johnny go for a picnic and a nice game of paintball at the park? Will Nikolas set up a trust fund for my kids that aren't his either?


Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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