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 Two Scoops: June 30, 2008 columns
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Juliet Mills
Deal or no deal
by Ekek
For the Week of June 30, 2008
Last week, Tabitha finally admitted to being a witch, and openly performed magic. Like she said, it makes no difference at this point. Harmony is going to be destroyed. If the citizens of Harmony plan to burn her at the stake, they'd better hurry.


Really Tabitha, do you want to deal or not? Oh what a lark it was to have Tabitha finally admit to being a witch and openly performed magic, and to Esme of all people. Esme asking for three wishes as if Tabitha were a Genie was priceless. You could have knocked me over with a feather when Tabitha gave in to her. It is much more Tabitha's style to send her down into the basement never to be seen again. But then, it is like Tabitha said, it makes no difference at this point. Harmony is going to be destroyed (and Passions is cancelled.) If the citizens of Harmony plan to burn Tabitha at the stake for witchcraft they'd better hurry. There isn't much time left. Still - the girls took some time to knock back a few Martimmys. Maybe when the show wraps I'll indulge myself and taste one.


We had some wild scenes with the Crane women this week that stole the show. Pretty Crane snapped her bonnet. She's now certifiably ready for a straight jacket. Pretty planned to throw acid in Fancy's face to pay her back for attacking her all those years ago. Sheridan finally got her act together. She realized that love can't be forced and she stepped up to the plate. Sheridan did the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing. I wonder, I hope, that by the end of the show we'll have our genuine Sheridan back. Luis and Sheridan were always the super-couple of Passions to me and I was devastated when they broke up. But when her chance to get Luis came, she didn't let Fancy be scarred and she didn't let Fancy commit that crime, she grabbed her arm and diverted the acid and saved both of her nieces by doing so. Fancy didn't fare as well. She decided it was time for a lecture and some revenge of her own and she pretended she'd been hit. Not her finest moment. In fact, in comparison to Fancy and Pretty, Sheridan stood there looking like the only good person in the room. Then the miracle of Passions occurred. Pretty announced she had a secret and we don't have to wait 4 years to find out what it was; her scar isn't real. She does not have permanent scars from her teenage incident with Fancy. She's been running around wearing a fake scar and feeling sorry for herself. Wow, I cannot wait to see next week how that is dealt with. Bring in the vaudeville hooks and drag that character off the stage!


Back in July of 1999 Theresa debuted as a silly, foolish, teenaged girl with a celebrity obsession. In fact, she went so far as to announce her wedding to Ethan Crane before she'd even met him. Call it faith, call it insanity, call it what you will; Theresa has always been this way. But nine years later she is still not married to Ethan and I just have to label it insanity and say I am no longer amused by it. I see her as growing sillier with each passing day. This teen should have grown into a woman at some point but she hasn't. She's still the same manipulative dreamer. She is hiding herself and I've made no bones about the fact that I think all she has to do is get Ethan alone and tell him the truth. He will protect her from Gwen and Juanita. But she simply doesn't trust him and never has.


Gwen continues her plans to recommit to Ethan in a church ceremony. Theresa says that Gwen is now a bigger threat to her than Juanita is. What the heck? Gwen wants to marry Ethan. Juanita wants to kill Theresa, her children, and her whole family. How could she make such a statement? How could she value her libido over the lives of her own children? At least, finally she realizes that and says, "wait, I can't risk my children's lives." My question is how could she forget that? Even for a moment? As a mother it is unexplainable to me. Theresa has spent nine years going from a silly, foolish, obsessed teen into a silly, foolish, man-obsessed woman. Her big plan these days is to stay hidden; but she conveniently writes letters to address any problem in the household she wants to go her own way. Letters she's written to protect her wishes if she should die. Why Ethan romanticizes them is beyond me. They accentuate the fact that Theresa expected to be killed in Mexico but went anyway. As for the letters themselves, they were foolishly written which proves my point again. She included details that the dead Theresa wouldn't know. Theresa forgets that the very reason Gwen and Rebecca has beaten her at every turn is that they are not stupid.


The opposite of foolish and stupid is cold, calculating intelligence and Gwen has that in spades. She has made sure over the years that Theresa's lies are exposed and that she is the one who Ethan commits to. She is the wife, a good position to be in. She has the rights and the name and the guilt strings on Ethan. It is no wonder she's seen through Theresa's latest lie - she's Gertrude. NBC featured the moment on its website, in all its hilarity, as Gwen and Rebecca jump up together and shout, "She's not dead!" Rebecca bemoans the fact that Theresa is not dead; that she's survived electrocution, lethal injection, and a shark attack. Clearly, Theresa must be part Cockroach, she says.


Gwen and Rebecca think it through and realize that Theresa is Gertrude and they still have time to get rid of her permanently. One thing the writer is doing is to quickly level the playing field between Gwen and Theresa. For years Theresa has been the aggressor and Gwen the victim. No more. Gwen is acting very Theresaesque these days. She even hauled off and punched her mother like one of the famous slapping Lopez-Fitzgeralds. BAAM - you're out. Rebecca will not be exposing Theresa to Ethan before Gwen has the chance to get rid of her - forever.


Line of the week: While wondering where in the mansion Theresa is hiding, Gwen suggests the attic like Rachel did. Rebecca replies: "The basement is much closer to the sewer line."


Love264


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