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 Two Scoops: January 10, 2005 columns
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Joshua Morrow
Talking heads
by Nita
For the Week of January 10, 2005
Big, bad, loud Phyllis, before whom every man, woman and half grown child is expected to quiver and quake with fear.
It certainly was a week that tried my patience as one after another the Genoa City blowhards took their turn at the podium.

I'll begin with Miss Phyllis. Despite what at least one fan thinks (see fan comments below) I actually like Phyllis. Mostly when she's with Jack who often brings out her softer, quieter side. And while it's always interesting to see whether the minute pieces of peek-a-boo fabric she attires some of herself in will manage to restrain and contain her assets, I'm really sick of hearing her mouth. Big, bad, loud, Phyllis, before whom every man, woman and half grown child is expected to quiver and quake with fear. What employee would still have their job after flapping their lips to the disrespectful extent Phyllis did to Nick? Not that I was one wee whit sympathetic to that big-headed buffoon (more on him later). But as far as the trailing threads of the Samurai sword story, I'm ready for Michael to hand over the prison conversation transcript, and after one short scene of Richards and Webber munching morosely on their heaping plate of cold, congealed crow, maybe this mouthy madwoman can hang up her super hero cape once and for all. I know, I know. That would be far too easy and would, of course, remove only one of their necks from the constricting closeness of the conspiracy noose. Which would just not do for Phyllis the fearless wonder woman. No, I'm quite sure our heroine has at least one last heroic trick up her inventive sleeve that will somehow result in rescuing both she and Damon's burning bacon from the all-consuming flames of Genoa City injustice. So let's just do it and be done with this.

CLUNK! CLUNK! That was the sound of two empty, wooden heads being slammed solidly together. Twice. In the unlikely event a sliver of good sense might somehow be loosened from the cement sides of their craniums. The heads I'm speaking of belong, in case you hadn't already guessed, to Nick and Brad, respectively.

Let's start with the most moronic man of the moment, one Nicholas No-Brain Newman. Every time I think it's impossible for my dislike of him to climb any higher, he does something that causes me to adjust my low opinion ever downward. I can't say enough bad things about him. I can't claim he has become his father's son and is a chip off the old ruthless block, because that would be doing a serious injustice to Victor. True, Victor is ruthless and repeatedly uses his money and power to ride roughshod over anyone who dares cross him, but he's proven there's bite behind his bark. On the other hand, Nick's power trip is being taken on a tissue-thin magic carpet that at any time could be snatched from beneath his power-hungry heels, sending him tumbling ignominiously down the multiplying mound of mortals he stomped on once he was promoted to the top. Some fans would say his betrayal of Victor was somewhat justified. After all, much as I like Victor, I have to concede he did break the law with his dirty Tuvia tricks. But I don't believe for one second it was intense love of all things legal that caused Nick to do what he did. More likely it was the sneaking suspicion his wife might prefer her father-in-law. But his latest underhanded trick to immediately fill the empty place on the company mantel with Dru and Neil to stop his sister from climbing back on the shelf is low even for a snake whose betraying belly is already dragging on the Genoa City ground. So much for all those pontificating platitudes he spouts about blood being thicker than ties to non-family members when it came to whose hands should rightfully steer the family ship. Apparently that same argument doesn't hold true when it comes to Dru's inexperienced piloting of the Cosmetics Division.

That blade of betrayal Nick thrust in his Daddy's back must have done more damage than it originally appeared. It must have severed or at least nicked the nerve leading to Victor's brass ... gumption. Because he's nowhere near the man he used to be and is about to be re-christened Doormat for his disturbing new tendency to lie down and invite all comers to wipe their muddy boots upon him. In spite of stepping aside so his nincompoop son could lie sleepily in the hot CEO sun, said son has shown not a gram of gratitude. If anything, Nick's attitude has only grown increasingly disrespectful. Standing in the father's former office rubbing shoulders with the Abbott asp who has never ceased trying to destroy the man who gave Nick everything from life onward. Why Victor hasn't snatched Nick by the grubby scruff of his disrespectful neck and flung him far from the executive suite is impossible for me to fathom. And what is this big surprise Victor has in store for Nick? It must be more than his coming involvement with Jabot. I can't figure out how showing Ashley how to sew up the gaping holes of inefficiency in the fabric of Jabot's executive staff will do anything to cause Nick's mouth to drop in wonder.

Bradley "Mon Capitan" Carlton is barely a step behind the Nitwit in brain inactivity. Once upon a long ago time, I found Brad to be a rather handsome, likable fellow, even through his then infrequent bouts of chest pounding, vein popping, threat-filled rages, which always wound up being a laughable exercise in futility. Unfortunately, hitching his love wagon to that terminally dissatisfied, semen snatching, rapidly blinking bride of his was definitely not one of his better decisions. Because it has turned him into a perpetually pouting puppet of a man with but two bitter words in his vocabulary: Victor Newman. The usually scowling simpleton acts as if its new news his separated soul-mate was and always will be enamored of the man he already hated, when that was clear long before he and Ashley mouthed their I-Do's. But all the years of being second in command when it came to Ashley's love has probably all been worth it now that Brad is Lord of all he surveys, namely Abby. But he might do well to watch his twisted tongue when tossing steel-tipped taunts toward Victor. Because the only reason Brad can blow all that I'm Abby's Daddy hot air in Victor's direction is because Victor has chosen for the moment not to challenge him legally. Since Victor wasn't told of the baby and subsequently could not relinquish his rights, Brad's "adoption" of Abby is probably not worth the paper it's printed on should Victor decide to press the matter.

Next to tromp hard on my stretched out last nerve was Ashley, as she pleaded out of one side of her mealy mouth for Victor to save her poor, near-bankrupt company, and the moment Victor agreed, out of the other, emerged the voice of one of her many other personalities, snapping and growling about Victor leading her silly self on, forcing her to lose her husband, her child and now, of course, potentially her company. Why on earth Victor would even want to take up an oar and keep this boat load of complainers from sinking into the choppy sea of bankruptcy is beyond me. It's not as if John, Jack, Ashley or John will be the least bit grateful. No, we'll just be subjected to more months of their retching and moaning, bleating "Victor done it, Victor done it."

Let's look for a moment at the roster of slow movers and semi-shakers at Jabot. There's an overpaid chemist who's created nothing but personal and criminal problems for himself. A chief executive who can't run anything but the film equipment endlessly repeating a reel of an absurd family fantasy of manipulative mommy, doting Daddy and test tube blond baby. Nikki "What's Her Title Anyway" spent the past many months trying to decipher the whispers and screams of long ago children echoing in her confused cranium. And while Jack and Brad have literally been consumed with their hatred for Victor, John has been busy romancing and hastily marrying a woman he knows nothing about. Sounds like more than enough straws to bow the strongest camel's back, if not bring him gasping to his knobby knees in agony. We won't add Sharon's name to the debit side of the ledger since she's not drawing her salary from the near-empty Jabot coffers. I can't wait to see what Victor plans to do to put this company back in the black.

Although he's yet to spend so much as an hour slaving away at the Chancellor salt mines, Jack's already thinking of sinking a satchel full of CI's plentiful profits to settle Jabot's outstanding debts and hopefully restore it to its former glory. Unfortunately, his offer was too little too late. Ashley would apparently rather be indebted to Victor for his intervention than her brother. By the way, funny line of the week was Jack telling Phyllis he likes working with family because they always have your back. Oh, is that before or after they stab you in it? Talk about keeping your enemies close. With family like that, why worry about Victor Newman?

Okay, does anyone else think its way past time for Nikki to blow her clogged up nose and wipe her red, streaming eyes? She's been crying for months. She wept because she couldn't remember, then wept because she could. She wept when she couldn't find big brother, then wept because she could. She wept because she couldn't tell, then wept because someone else could. Now she's weeping because Bobby knows what she did, weeping because he wandered off somewhere to ponder it and I'm sure she's going to shed at least a bucket full of crocodile tears when he finally returns and tells her where he went. At the start, this seemed like such a promising storyline, different and intriguing. But in the end it wound up like everything else having to do with Nikki. A reason to cry, cry, cry. What does she feel for Bobby Marsino anyway? Sure seems like it's a lot more than simple guilt.

While it seems half the adults in town have something to boo hoo about, the teens are faring much better. Now that they're in the same town at the same time, J.T. and Colleen have nothing to cry about. Although every time she sees them staring at each other through the stars in their eyes, Mac probably wants to. Beyond their "cute" quotient, I couldn't get into J.T. and Colleen the first time around and I'm faring no better now. In this young man scarce town, J.T.'s been the jam spread on every single woman's sandwich bread. From Colleen to Mac to Brit and now he's right back where he started with Colleen. So where did all that so-called love for Britt disappear to? And if Mac wanted him for herself, why did she push him so hard toward Britt?

I can't help but wonder just what is to become of Mac. Is she ever going to get a romance? I'm probably in the minority but I like her and Kevin together, although, given his past deeds, they probably don't stand a chance. I know she thinks she wants J.T., but with Colleen back in town, I doubt the bet makers would give very good odds on that happening. And where does Brittany stand in the J.T. sweepstakes? Obviously she has a soft spot for him, but is that all there is to it. As madly in love with Marsino as she claims to be, the first bump in the marriage sure had her making fast tracks toward J.T. to ask if she should be running for cover, perhaps with best boy, holding her hand. Oh well, at least she's not crying.

Could someone please buy Lily a life so she'll stop gushing girlishly about Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm? According to her, he's poor, sad, lost and alone, estranged not only from the only half-blood member of his family but apparently still a dead man to his friends. So let's prop him up, paint on a smile and throw him a party to make him feel loved. Oh, let's not. Let's hold him down, yank off that bandana, comb out his hair and tell him to suck it up. Of course, if Lily could see the smile on her Uncle's face when he turns it toward Adrienne, she could focus her worrying eyes on something or someone else. Whatever happened to her desire to help find Devon's missing dad? Oh well, at least her preoccupation with Malcolm has taken her mind off her believed magnetization for all the wrong men.

Having perused the above, one might think that when it came to this week's helping of GC doings, there was nothing and no one who brought a smile to my scowling face. But there were a few things. First, while Damon has continually been on my least favorite list since the day he arrived, I actually enjoyed him this week. Perhaps he's turned a corner, leaving his days of doom and gloom behind. He was easy and relaxed with Daniel and even more so with ex-wife Adrienne. I'm guessing, though, that his smiles won't come nearly so quickly when he realizes Adrienne is already more than favorably impressed with the one man in the City who will have nothing good to say about him. And when Malcolm eventually learns the identity of Adrienne's ex, I doubt he will number the knowledge as one of the highlights of his day. Their mutual dislike should be entertaining.

Second, it's too bad Kevin's past has made him so unredeemable in many fans eyes. Because I've enjoyed watching him in more or less normal mode. He's cute and believable in his crush on Mac and I wish there was a way he could make all the bad stuff go away. Unfortunately, though Mac might have been able to understand Kevin's ill-advised effort to change popular opinion by setting up Lily for his heroic rescue, discovering he tried to turn Colleen into a Cornish hen won't be so easily forgiven.

Third, so far, I like Adrienne, albeit more with Damon than Malcolm.

Fourth, I couldn't help but chuckle as Victor watched Drucilla holding her make believe press conference, though watching her wave her promotion under Phyllis' nose wasn't nearly as funny.

And saving the best for last, I LOVE that Victoria is coming back. Even though it isn't likely to be Heather Tom, at this point, I'd settle for a reasonable facsimile, especially if she plans to take on her sanctimonious sibling.

One final thing. I hear farewells are in order for Joan Van Ark. Looks like John's breath of fresh air will be given a makeover. The object of many fans ridicule at first, many now think no one can play trashy like she can. I guess time will tell.

Well, that's all I have to say, the rest is up to you fans.

* * * * * * *

WANDA - I am so sick of the Winters family (especially Lily). Her whiny little voice over Malcolm (leaving/not leaving) is making me FW my VCR so much the show only lasts about 15 minutes. Who is going to play Victoria? Heather Tom I hope. Maybe Nick will finally have to come down to earth about how important he really isn't. The arrogant little twerp is a pain in the you know what. It looks like "Smilin' Jack" is gonna work about as much at CI as he did at Jabot. Victor is probably right about how long that company will last with him at the helm. Is Victor really going to be Jabot's "knight in shining armor"? What do you think his idea is to save the company? Maybe fire the whole "non-working" Abbott clan and get some "real" employees?

SUE - how come the police never checked out the body that was dug up (Bobby's brother)? Don't you think they would want to know who it was? They kind of dropped the whole storyline on that one.

KAREN - I think Brad Carlton will turn out to be Bobby's brother by some fluke. It is just a weird coincidence that Nikki thought Brad was the brother of Joshua. With Brad's past being so secret, there has to be something the writers are planning. Brad & Bobby do look somewhat alike. This would be a fascinating turn of events.

CINDY -WHY are you so terribly hard on PHYLLIS......???..She is without a doubt, the most fleshed out character on the show, "warts & all" and Stafford's acting abilities will take her as far as she wishes to go!!! The way she portrays Phyllis, mesmerizes the vast majority, every time she is on screen, in every scene, with ANY and ALL characters, she shows vulnerability, rage, fear, love, and humanity.......gee, sounds like a REAL person!!!

DANNAY -As usual, I LOVED this week's column. I laughed out loud 3 times (at work) while reading it. I can't remember what tickled me so much the 2nd time, but my first outburst was what you wrote about Neil jumping in the bottle if it turns out Lily is Malcolm's daughter. I can't put into words how much I hope she is Neil's daughter. The 3rd time I laughed was when you were describing what Bobby Marsino had become. That tickled me the most. Oh yeah, I think I laughed the 2nd time when reading the paragraph about Phyllis. I CAN NOT agree with you more about that wench! Phyllis is likeable enough...WITH JACK...but like you, I have a hard time feeling sorry for her (except with the Diane mess) because she brings about 95% of what happens to her on herself. And the way she approached Damon and Adrienne... I tell you one thing, had Adrienne been a "sista-girl."..well, I won't go there. I felt Adrienne handled that situation with a lot of poise. And can Y&R PLEASE find someone who can do African American hair?! Dru's hair is always tight (she probably does it herself), but Olivia and (now) Adrienne consistently look a HOT MESS! These are attractive women who ALWAYS look like a scarecrow by the head (as my Grandmother use to say).

SARA - For a long time I've been disgruntled about the way the writers broke up Billy & Mac. For what it's worth, I would rather have those two not be cousins, than have Kay & Jill be mother & daughter. If there was some way to bring back David Tom and get him & Mac in a storyline, find out they are not related, that's where they should go! I haven't been impressed with Jill & Kay as mother/daughter...It just doesn't seem natural. Not the actors fault either, it just hasn't been written to make the transition believable.

TRISH - Just what is up with Brad & Victor - again at the GCAC. Isn't it time they stop sparring about Abby? And when did it become Gina's (the restaurant manager) job to whip "my flesh and blood" off to the daycare. Just what was Nickwit thinking when he hired the Mouth - Dru, to be the new head of the cosmetics division? I am so happy that I am not a child of the rich & famous in Genoa City. After all, if I were Scotty, Nate, Kate, Kyle or Ricky, I would not be hearing from my Mom or Dad even if it is Christmas time. My goodness at the rate the kids in boarding school age, shouldn't most of them be married with children already? Of course, you could always be like Sharon and Nick and trade your kid in for a new and improved model. I wonder if the some of the older residents of GC have a place to go to lose about 20 yrs. Speaking of parents and their children, where oh where are you, Anita & Fred? Brittany & Bobby need you.

JEAN - Well, I can see it now, Victor and Victoria at Jabot. Nick shooting himself in the foot so to speak. Brad at a great disadvantage when Victor takes over Jabot to run it. I think Brad needs to get over Victor seeing Abby; after all he is her biological father. Victor might decide to take that to another level. I like this new side of Victor. I thought Neil would turn down the offer from Nick, I think he is only going back for Dru's sake. I thought he might end up at Jabot too. Oh my, aren't things heating up! Wonder when John is going to find out about Victor being Abby's father?

LKASSARKIAN - What has happened to Nikki? Last week all she did was cry and it wasn't pretty! Between Bobby, Brittany and now Nikki this storyline needs to go away. I think this will be on your top ten for year's worst. Are they bringing back Victoria? If they are, I would love to see Ms. Tom come back. I thought Michael and Victoria were the best! The new Gloria - can she be any better than Joan Van Ark? She is the best at being trashy. Loved her in the part.

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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