Listen up, Scoopers. This is a special public service announcement: If the time ever comes that you have an emotional breakdown and decide to whack someone on the back of the head with a very large stick, step one is to call 9-1-1 for help, before hastily pronouncing the person dead and ruining your manicure, by digging in the dirt to bury the body.

Now that we've covered that, let's look at what NOT to do. Under no circumstances should one follow Gwen and Maddie's example. It's clear they lost what common sense they had, when they declared Evil Adam a corpse, before trying CPR or getting paramedic assistance. I can understand Maddie's meltdown at the scene, considering her history with the rape and the slasher, but Gwen should have been the voice of reason.

As for Adam actually being dead, I'm not buying it. I kept waiting for his arm to come bursting through the ground, zombie style, while Thelma and Louise were digging there, looking for Gwen's wedding ring. I expect Adam will wake up, dig himself out, and spend the next few months blackmailing/torturing the already tortured Gwen. At least, I hope so. A few weeks ago I was begging for the day Adam would get his comeuppance. But, I didn't want it to be in the form of a toe tag. I want him to suffer his family's wrath and disapproval, his brother's pain, and the town's scorn. It's the least he deserves. Well, that, and the chore of getting all that dirt out from underneath his fingernails.

Meanwhile:
--Cupid, needs to readjust his Onstar. Apparently, he completely missed Oakdale this year. No one celebrated Valentine's Day in our little hamlet. OK, there aren't exactly a lot of "happy" couples left in town, and those who are have a lot on their plates. Nevertheless, Kim and Bob or Margo and Tom could have at least shared a glass of champagne. This is a soap opera, people.

--Two Scoops reader Marie wants to know how Gwen and Maddie could dig a grave with their hands in the middle of winter in Illinois? I have no answer. I agree with Marie that the ground would most likely be frozen, considering the snowstorms that have been sweeping the mid-West. How about this explanation: Maybe Oakdale is located on "The Hellmouth," a la "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," and the ground won't freeze. That sure would explain why "normal" folks in town tend to go nuts and kill people every few years.

--Lucinda and Luke have some of the best scenes on the show. Lucinda chatting to Luke about his basketball team and joining the drama club is realistic and refreshing. I especially loved how Luke called her out on assuming he should join the drama club so he could meet some gay guys. Priceless.

--Lily's business decision is going to come back to bite her in the butt. I'm with Lucinda on this one. Lily seems so driven and determined to prove her mother wrong, that she's giving money away like it's paper. Wait. You know what I mean. Are the diet pills causing her to act so irresponsibly, or does it go deeper? I think Lily has some mommy issues of her own.

--Move over Martin and Lewis. Jack and Brad Snyder give new meaning to the term "comic relief." I tend to forget that Jack is a funny guy, as he usually gets only heavy drama to play. However, since his lazy, freeloading brother, Brad, hit town, Jack has been firing off the zingers faster than you can say "Finnish Floozy." See the Best Lines of the Week at the end of this column if you want to chuckle.

--The Brad and Katie show that's about to take Oakdale by storm is a little beneath Kim's standards, don't you think? I never thought she'd go for a voyeuristic reality show, with a sexual slant, that shows humans (Brad) on their worst behavior. It's true America loves it when people make fools of themselves on television, but I never thought Kim would green light a project like that.

--Thank you, Paul, for asking those "delinquents," Parker and Faith, what their parents had done that was so terrible? I was hoping Paul would pull the James Stenbeck card and tell them some horror stories about what it's like to truly have a horrible parent. Paul did touch on the Stenbeck years briefly, before going on to wax poetic about some painting featuring a lion. My money says that painting will mysteriously turn up over the fireplace in the future.

--We had a Dallas sighting this week, Scoopers, but alas, Henry was nowhere to be found. I seem to recall Henry actively looking for a job last time we saw him, so why didn't Katie hook him up at WOAK, since the station just hired Brad?

--Can someone explain to me why Emily suddenly has the need to be a hooker? I just don't get it. My apologies to any hookers out there, but Emily is a sophisticated, successful businesswoman who has family, friends and ties to the town. What can she possibly get out of pimping herself out? This story just isn't flying with me. To use the favorite word of Parker and Faith, "Whatever!"

--Jack Snyder deserves a day at the spa. His cousin Meg is a liar and is now under investigation for killing a hospital patient and covering it up, Carly is a fugitive on the run, he's trying to raise three kids by himself, Parker is rebelling, his best friend Hal is dead, and his loser-of-a-brother is in town to cause problems. Can you say Swedish massage? Hmmm...I think there is a Swede in town, come to think of it. Paging Vienna.

--I couldn't help but laugh as Meg announced that she was more afraid of her momma, Emma, than the police and lawyers. Hey, I've seen Emma with a shotgun. Meg isn't exaggerating.

Best Lines of the Week:
(Jack gets Brad a job at the TV station, much to Brad's dismay.)
Brad: "Do you have any idea what you just did to me?"
Jack: "You don't have to thank me, Brad. You're not heavy. You're my brother."

(Meg tells Craig that she has to pay for her crimes.)
Craig: "The light from that kind of thinking would take 8 million years to reach me."

(Craig visits Meg at the hospital, after she mistakenly killed a patient.)
Craig: "How is Oakdale's Florence Nightingale?"
Meg: "Feeling more like Typhoid Mary."

(Brad's car is towed for illegal parking, and he complains to an unsympathetic Jack.)
Brad: "This town is harsh."
Jack: "Then move."

Reader Spotlight:
(From Two Scoops reader Josie.)
"Isn't it a shame that Hal's two sons are coming off as such villain-like characters? Not a very nice tribute to the man's memory."

(From Two Scoops reader Bridget.)
"I agree with most everything you stated in your last column, until you got to Gwen. I have to say, as wives go, she's pretty forgiving and understanding considering the crap Will put her through only a year earlier. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, after all. How could you completely forget all the lies Will told and how GOOD he is at it? Yet, she still loves him, doesn't completely believe he did it, despite the proof. And even if he did do it, she wants to cover it up and get over it. I'd say that she's nicer then most wives are on soaps. As for your Adam comments, I think they're pretty on target. I'm just hoping that they give us some reason for why he is acting the way he does. Maybe with some backstory of what happened in LA to change him into this crappy guy, people would understand him more. Or they should at least embellish on his 'feelings' for Gwen or 'resentment' of his brother. Give the audience a reason why and maybe people will enjoy the character more. Great column, by the way, fantastic writing."

(From Two Scoops reader Karen.)
"Jen--Are you my clone? I agree with EVERY word, especially about Adam. You hit the nail on the head with that one. There's no context and we see no reason for his actions. He is truly despicable and we have no idea why. We're supposed to believe that he's jealous of Will after all Will's gone through? And what have they done to my Gwen? I loved her when she was the street-smart girl who was a bit cautious about trusting. I loved watching Will's love soften her a bit. But I didn't want to see her go soft in the head, for crying out loud. How has she forgotten that Will went on the lam with her so she could keep her baby, used every penny of his trust account for a year so she could make a demo and have a snuggle session in LA with his brother? Man, how do the writers take such a fan favorite and make her thoroughly unlikable. I AM liking Barbara these days. Love seeing her kindness to Gwen. Too bad Gwen doesn't deserve it. Love your column. Thanks for entertaining me every Monday!"

(From Two Scoops reader Marie.)
"A few thoughts about last week's programs. Maybe I'm nit-picking here but regarding Gwen & Maddy disposing of Adam's body. We're talking Illinois in February. You wanna try digging frozen ground in the dead of winter with your fingers? I don't think so. If I could even break the surface, I sure couldn't dig a grave. Come on people, I know the writers live in the greater-Manhattan area; but IT'S WINTER IN ILLINOIS. THE GROUND GETS HARD, GUYS! Other thoughts: Jack had some of the best lines all week long. I laughed out loud a few times. And then there was the Brad & Katie Show. Puleeeeeze no! I can't take Regis & Kelly. I sure don't want it on my soap. I see me wearing out my Fast Forward button soon. Final thought: does Brad know he is speaking about maybe 60% of his castmates when he accused Katie of "swallowing her words" -- is it me or are all these younger people mumbling? My mother and I watch the show together and we often say, "What did she say?" "What did he say?" And then we follow it up with, "I don't really care." OK .. I'll stop for now .. but digging in the dirt in the dead of winter really bothered me. P.S. -- I really did expect to see Adam's arm come shooting up through that dirt, didn't you?"

That's all for now Scoopers! See ya next time.
Jennifer Biller