Jack Wagner
Have you seen these people?
For the Week of September 19, 2005
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These are just some of the characters that we are looking for. Many of them have been entertaining to watch over the years, and some are now shadows of their former selves.

Brooke Logan Forrester - Blonde, great bod, knows chemistry, fashion executive. Married 5 times (we think, lost count), four children, owns huge mansion in Beverly Hills. Cries a lot, stalked by Ridge Forrester and frequently harassed by Stephanie Forrester. Last seen trying to restructure her life after having Ridge kick her to the curb following a marriage renewal to his previous dead wife. Was thought to be finally admitting her real love for Capt. Marone and last whereabouts were on a boat in the harbor when the rug was pulled out. She has had an active sex life with all Forrester men and a few choice non-Forrester men including two men previous involved with her daughter Bridget Forrester, part time med student. Anyone having any information on when she will have a chance at a normal life and healthy relationship, please call 1-800-SAD-LIFE.

Captain Dominick Payne Marone: Tall, blonde hair and aging gracefully. Once a mysterious and delightfully petulant sea captain with sarcasm and quick wit. A man's man and a strong romantic lead. In company with Bridget Forrester, on again off again med student, and allegedly in love with her. Seen recently with a 120 pound blonde anchor around his neck. Also seen with Brooke Logan on his boat, The Shady Marlin, professing his love to her. He appeared happier than he had in years and then there are reports that the rug was pulled out from under him, too. Reports have him currently in the vicinity of a whining, manipulative, and immature young woman who may or may not have his cajones in her possession. If you see this man, please log onto www.wheresmymanhood.com.

Taylor Hayes Forrester: Medium build, dark sassy hairstyle, and looking fabulous for the newly resurrected. Died twice and came back to life through the efforts of a creepy Middle Eastern gazillionaire. Three kids, two slightly annoying twins girls and an oversexed boy currently employed as a fashion designer, though this is just a rumor. Recently renewed marriage to Ridge Forrester under suspicious circumstances after her mother-in-law's fake heart attack. Rumored to be unhappy in her relationship with the waffling Ridge Forrester. Has been seen receiving security system advice from Hector Ramirez, LA firefighter to the rich and famous. Might have been seen actually smiling in his company though it cannot be confirmed at this time. Fans are hoping to see a stronger and hotter Taylor to return and if you ever see this woman, please call 1-800-NOT-DEAD.

Bridget Forrester: Blonde, medium build and allegedly pregnant, though her exact due date is uncertain at this time. Currently trying for the hat trick in botched wedding ceremonies to Captain Nick Marone, the baby's father. Once a saintly character of unwavering virtue, she began to slide into the abyss of unstable behaviour with a brief obsession with her mother's then-husband Ridge Forrester (once thought to be her brother and even father before the genetic circus finally left town and it was revealed they were not related). Married Deacon Sharpe when barely 18 years old and had a first sexual encounter with him that gave all new meaning to the word 'phone sex'. Divorced him after she found out he sexed up her mother and fathered a child by her. Currently trying every trick in the book to hangout to Nick Marone after lying about an alleged abortion of his child. Prone to 'testing' people. Recently become whiny, paranoid, and becoming a frequent traveler down the River Denial. Many report they do not want to find this person but if you see her, run to saftey and log onto www.mommysleftovers.com.

Thorne Forrester: Tall, blonde and white hot. Cute little non-LA southern drawl and president of Spectra fashions. Highly successful and an astute businessman and devoted husband and father to daughter Alexandria. There are many reports that scores of viewers are looking for more of him but to no avail. The only biological son to Stephanie and Eric Forrester. Many are desperate to see more of him and if you do, please call 1-800-REAL-MAN.

Stephanie Forrester: Silver haired, 60+, and a little wild-eyed. Wife to Eric Forrester and co-founder of Forrester Creations. Bankrolled her husband in the business and mother to 5 children. Once a steely matriarch that watched over her family with a slight touch of dignity but now rumored to be little more than a Brooke Logan obsessed psychotic roaming the streets for revenge. Faked a heart attack and drew the ire of her entire family and currently separated from Eric Forrester. Last seen brandishing a gun in Brooke Logan's mansion. Rumored that she may reappear and most hoping she comes back a little more centered and a little less cartoonish. If you come across her and if you look anything like Brooke Logan, run and get help or call 1-800-OLD-WIFE.

Eric Forrester: Tall, dark and horny. Rumored to have a spine but that has not yet been confirmed. Has slept with many women including but not limited to Stephanie, Lauren Fenmore, Sheila Carter, Brooke Logan (had 2 kids with her), and rumored to be keeping time with Jackie Marone who is newly divorced from Massimo Marone. Once regarded as a top-notch designer, now spending most of his time trying to get busy with anything in a skirt. Would defend ex-wife Brooke Logan's actions even if they included a five state killing spree. If you see him and hear the phrase 'I think I am going to kiss you now', RUN! When you are safe and near a computer, let us know where he is by logging onto www.keepitinyourpants.com.

Massimo Marone: Short, older and distinguished in stature. Shipping magnate of Italian origin. Father two sons with Jackie Marone and Stephanie Forrester. Currently a gazillionaire, he has been missing for many months, only appearing for the last few failed wedding ceremonies of his son Nick Marone to Bridget Forrester. Has divorced Jackie after learning of her zesty affair with Deacon Sharpe, man-whore to the rich and famous. Suffered a stroke and rendered helpless for weeks before miraculous cure that defied medical science. Rumored that chicken bones and voodoo may have been employed by his mysterious doctor to aid in his recovery. Once a powerful man who gave new meaning to the word 'meddle', now rumored to be gathering dust somewhere in downtown LA. Please let us know if you see him by calling 1-800-RICH-GUY.

These are just some of the characters we are looking for. Many have been entertaining to watch over the years and some are just now shadows of their former selves. As this show has become little other than the 'Evil Brooke Logan Show', many are looking for some positive change for a while and the return of some cast favorites. Many are desperate for strong woman and strong, romantic men to grace the screen. Others are looking for more romance and less mother-daughter man swapping. If you seen any of the above, email the proper authorities at desperatelyhangingon@bellneedstogo.com.

One more word...for the first time in a LONG time, I turned off the TV in disgust at the end of Friday's show. Split screen with obligation sex and Brooke's river of tears? Gotta be blunt, folks...it sucked BIG TIME (and I'm self-censoring here). Waste of videotape and insult to viewers everywhere. 'Nuff said.

Who's on the Soapbox?

Genna writes... '...you may or may not know that I live in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and I so appreciated your heartfelt sentiments about how this hurricane has affected us all here in south Louisiana...you are so right, it is hard to concentrate on the poorly written B&B these days and in comparison to this hurricane and the repercussions we are all facing, this show is not on my list of things to do anymore...this show offered me absolutely no distraction whatsoever!'

Rachel writes... '...the next person to die should be Bridget but the baby could be born premature so then Brooke and Nick could raise this baby without incurring anyone's disapproval.'

Until next week, stay in touch with your thoughts...it's the best part of my week when I hear from everybody!

Kristine Cain
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