Katherine Kelly Lang
Ending with a whimper
For the Week of October 24, 2005
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Does Eric really think that he is so alluring that Brooke will forget all about Nick in ONE night? Someone give this man a quarter...maybe he can buy a clue.

For weeks I have been busy burning up my keyboard with scathing commentaries and criticisms of everything that is wrong in the B&B universe. I have been surly, disappointed, and disgruntled. My faith has been shaken and my attention has been compromised. As much as I have enjoyed the show over these last 18 years, I teetered on the edge of switching my lunch hour to 12:30 so I could catch ALL the happenings in Genoa City instead of going down with the ship. Then, in a moment of nostalgic weakness, I decided to give B&B the benefit of the doubt. Am I crazy? Maybe...

As my headline says, the week started out wild...the fallout from the Brooke/Eric nuptials are reverberating throughout LA. It was enjoyable to just watch everyone's facial expressions all week long. I haven't seen so many jaws on the floor since the LAST time Taylor came back from the dead. It is crazy, just crazy that Brooke and Eric actually BELIEVE that they have a marriage. I'm sorry...I don't mean to be a wet blanket but with no courtship and a nearly every scene admission as to why they really did this, I don't see it lasting. And I would rather have a root canal with no anesthesia than watch the Old Man paw all over Brooke. It's sad to watch him be so desperate that he can't see Brooke just doesn't want him that much. It's a joke and done, in my opinion, for nothing more than shock value.

The 'whimper' though, was ending the week with all this touchy-feely nonsense with Kristen and Zende magically coming back to sit around and talk about AIDS awareness. Ok, let me get this straight...we haven't seen either character in years and when they do show up it is for some benefit for AIDS awareness in Africa? Are you serious? Did anyone catch the REAL reason they were back according to Kristen? She said the 'gag' wedding was what brought her back for a visit. Hmmm...I thought so. But how lame to use her as filler for an otherwise stale cliff-hangar Friday. It makes no sense. Not only should she be back permanently, but don't bore us with a PSA for half an episode when there are other stories that could have been jumpstarted. Don't get me wrong...I understand the obligation the entertainment industry has to increase awareness to a host of social issues like AIDS, the hurricanes, etc. But we have characters languishing on the sidelines of this show and viewers are growing noticeably tired of the Who Is Brooke Going To Bed With Show. I have weighed in for the last few weeks as to how that whole thing irritates me, so I won't bore you with it again.

Ok, let's take a look at how this mess could be cleaned up and leave everyone happy for it. First, we make sure Bridget is pregnant with Dante's child instead of Nick's. Turns out that she DID do the deed with him the night she came to him on one of her many 'boo-hoo, feel bad for me and, oh yeah, let's make out too!' visits. She has a paternity test and while Dante is ecstatic, she has to tell Nick that he is free of any obligation to her now. He runs to tell Brooke that they can finally be together without the evil specter of guilt. Brooke gives in to her desires and in the process of hitting it on her favorite piece of office furniture, Eric walks in and realizes all the posturing was for nothing. The dirty old man slinks back to the beach house to lick his wounds and wonder if he still has a shot to get back into Jackie's pants. She will go back to him as she has few options available.

Brooke and Nick get married and though they will have a few people protesting (Eric and Ridge), there will be smooth seas for the new super-couple of B&B. Speaking of couples, Ridge and Taylor would get a divorce as his ego can't take the fact that his wife might actually be desired by someone other than him. What a pig. Anyway, Taylor is all too happy to sign the papers, let the kids in on what's up and start a hot courtship with LA's only firefighter. There will be some 'bumps' along the way, however, as their social differences are many and could provide a little tension. It won't be nearly as bad as what he dealt with in his relationships with the Momma's girl Samantha. Taylor is a step up from her and judging by those steamy daydreams, it could be as hot to watch as Brooke and Nick.

Having advance knowledge of Gaby taping her last episodes is a little bit of a cheat here but I don't think you need to be a rocket scientist to predict what happens next. Thomas may lose the showdown (how silly) and Gaby would then be deported. Some have speculated that she is the 'murder' victim in November but I wonder if that was a 'planted' rumor. I think Brad toys with us a bit and leads us down one path when we should be looking down the other. Either way, I am glad she will be gone. For that girl and her horny boyfriend to be center stage with so many good actors on the 'bench' is a travesty. I'll happily drive her to the border myself to not have to look at her. Less teens, more hot adult drama.

Stephanie and Massimo would finally have the relationship they should have had all this time. They are beautifully matched. Both can be conniving, manipulative, and nosey to the extreme. They also have the capability to be protective of family and smart in business. Could you think of two people better matched than them? Stephanie will not stop gunning for Brooke as she tried to wrench control of the company away from Eric and her to punish them for the humiliation of their fake marriage. Brooke would be looking to start a new design house to go along with her new life as Mrs. Nick Marone.

See? This could be a great way to make room for some new stories and to help dust off some characters that we haven't seen in a while. The couple I want to see more of is Thorne and Darla. Great chemistry and great acting to watch. With Felicia's return imminent with the announcement of an actress to fill the spot, there is SO much potential there. Felicia left town with cancer but could come back cancer-free and ready to take on the family that has always treated her like a second class citizen. Hmmm...who could she hook-up with? She could come back with Nick's child. She could try to get Nick back or maybe she could make Taylor work for Hector by coming on to him. Truth be told, B&B needs a couple more hot guys for her to come back to. Have you noticed that? There are either too many women or too many guys but rarely an even mix. Donna Logan is rumored to be coming back, too. Maybe she will pull an 'Amber' and date Thomas. After all, raging Hormone Boy can't have his bed empty for too long. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh?

So that is my vision for the future. Will it happen? I have too little faith in the writers to think it will but I will keep doing my voodoo and hoping for the best. My bottom line is this: the Brooke triangles have to stop and her marriage to Eric needs to end for other stories to flourish. It's not brain surgery, people. Brad, I'm tellin' ya...I'm packed and ready to help spice things up. Just make the call.

As for the results of last week's question, the majority of the 100+ emails I received (the most I have gotten since the RJ paternity revelation) said they have given up watching the show due to this hideous triangle we have been force fed over these last few months. As a matter of fact, many readers have paid me the ultimate compliment by responding that they would rather read my column each week than watch the show. There is a rude awakening coming for Brad and his band of misfit writers. I know I don't hear from EVERY viewer B&B has but I have to believe that those that have checked in are a pretty realistic representation of all the pissed off and fed up folks out there that are barely hanging on hoping for something new and hot to watch.

My head-scratchers for the week: does Eric really think he is so alluring that Brooke will forget all about Nick in ONE night? Someone give this man a quarter...maybe he can buy a clue. Take the hint AND a cold shower...it won't be happening anytime soon. And what was up with that speech by Ridge? NOW he is 'done' with Brooke. Whatever. I'll believe it when I see it. And WHAT exactly did he mean when he referenced keeping RJ out of the craziness of the fake Forrester marriage? He is talking C-U-S-T-O-D-Y battle now? Things that make me go HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM....

Question of the week: Do you see any chance for Brooke to ever become anything other than the equivalent of a Forrester family prostitute? I hate to be so harsh but the writers have passed her around to everyone but Thomas in this sick family dynamic. Will she ever rise above all this? I hope so...what do you think?

Who's on the Soapbox?

Dee writes... '...AMEN to cutting off Brad's copy finger...creativity is not dead among the world's writers but apparently the B&B writers reside in a mortuary.' Amen to that!

Annie writes... '...please let Brooke pay for her wrong-doing...I am sick and tired of her and all those stupid men.'

Until next week, stay in touch with your thoughts...it's the best part of my week when I hear from everybody!

Kristine Cain
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