Lesley-Anne Down
Motherhood is all the rage!
For the Week of May 14, 2007
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Jackie's devotion to Nick is admirable, but she really needs to get a man! Why isn't she making a move on Eric?

With all the insane 'gotta make a baby real damn fast' talk around LA, I'm wondering if I should get in on the action and ask for some of Nick's swimmers too! Yikes!! Everybody needs to take a deep breath, back AWAY from the test tubes and get a hold of themselves. One is happy she may be pregnant; one is looking around wishing she was having one, and another is regretting she didn't do it before. What are we going to do with all these women? Skewer them, of course!

If I am looking at all the Momma's around here that need a little help, I have to start with Taylor. She is so desperate to give Nick a baby that the scenes are getting harder and harder to watch. Enough already! I'm a mom and I know what a pivotal moment it is in your life to have a child but she is nearly psychotic about the whole thing. She is nervous...I get that, but she'll have an 'accident' for sure if she doesn't calm down a little. Three embryos...maybe a good chance one with 'hatch' but honestly, why is she really doing this? Does she think Nick will bail if she DOESN'T produce a kid and go running back to Nick? If this is the glue holding them together then I can't lend my feeble support to their pairing. We have seen this backfire more than once on this show and this would be disastrous.

How about Longing for a Baby I Lost (almost) Momma, whiny Bridget? I still say she is too unstable for kids but now with this nasty rumour going around that she may have shoplifted some of Nick's finest, who knows? Could that BE more sick and twisted? Let's hope it's just somebody's idea of a bad joke.

So, time for the hat trick and introduce our next momma in need of a slot on Jerry Springer's talk show...Brooke 'I wish I could have your kids NOW' Logan. So desperate that she went out and got her pipes checked out to see if she could still have kids at all. She got the green light but alas, Nick and his super sperm were headed in another direction. The look on her face Friday said it all...'Taylor, are you already pregnant' was really code for 'Taylor, please tell me I have some time to break into the lab with my turkey baster and beat you to the finish line...PLEASE!!!' All this phony concern and kind words for Taylor...my eye!! But I have to give her credit for one thing...she isn't running back to Ridge (yet). She is standing firm for the moment and that's a very good thing. Making her into a crazed nutjob the last few weeks doesn't exactly do anything positive for her characters perception among viewers. Now if we could get her to spend some time with her own kids, we'd be getting somewhere!

But this Mother's Day weekend we cannot forget the other Momma's in LA. There is borderline Oedipal Jackie Marone and her incessant use of the 'ee' at the end of her son's name. The little hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up every time she says it. Her devotion to him is admirable but she really needs to get a man! Why she is not making a move on Eric is beyond me. But above all else, she is stylish, charming, and much less likely to help HER son cover up a murder.

Oh...did I say MURDER? Ah yes...June Cleaver she's not but boy does Stephanie earn a special place in the Accessory To Murder Momma of the Year! What great life lessons we teach our child like 'Honey, he had to coming to him. Who cares if someone else fries for your crime?' Or the time honoured 'Don't say a word and all this will just go away!' My personal favourite is the time and effort it took to ditch the blood-soaked carpet and dispose of the victim's cell phone. What a great MOM!! One pantsuit after another she moves her way through the world helping family stay out of jail while making sure everyone else she deems unworthy get it right in the you-know-what. Yep, she is what Mother's Day was created for!!

That woman has NO shame at all to stand there like a ventriloquist behind Ridge at the new conference trying to keep him from saying anything that could even smell of an admission of guilt. So how will she silence Ashley when she starts putting the pieces together about that night in the office? Are we going to put cement heels on her and drop her in the Pacific too? Anything to protect Number One Son. I can think of more than a few meddling and conniving Mom's in soap-land (Lisa and Lucinda from ATWT, Nikki, Jill, and Katherine from Y&R just to name a few) but this really takes the cake. She ignores all her other kids, she is a lousy wife to Eric these days, and she is unnaturally fixated on her son. Don't get me wrong...I love watching her and the acting is amazing. She is just completely whacked! She's go down for her role in all this, mark my words. Hope they have a county jail orange pant suit for her!

My thoughts on the rest of the week: Love watching Nick these days...he's more like the Nick we saw in the beginning. Unwavering, forceful and determined. I can't wait to see the look on his face when they take Ridge away in cuffs. And more karaoke??? NO NO NO!!! This auditory travesty must stop!!! While I loved seeing CJ back for a few episodes (and wish he were staying), I can't take another cheesy song out of Phoebe and Rick. I know they are just setting up this scenario for Constantine What's-His-Name to slum around the show following his Idol appearance last season. That's a storyline that will positively put me to sleep! And Ridge. How many ways are there to say JERK? He keeps 'saying' he doesn't want an innocent man to go to jail for something he did but after a few minutes with Mommy's hand up our back making us talk, his venom for Nick took over with the press. So what if he 'took' the company? Stephanie would have gone to jail for sure since Donna was a witness to what she did to Jackie, so I say she got off light. Ridge better pay and pay dearly for what he is doing. Maybe he can share a cell with Paris!

I want to wish all the Mom's out there who read the column each week a Happy Mother's Day! I also want to wish a special Mother's Day wish to all the mothers who lost a child at Virginia Tech last month. Their commencement was yesterday and I cannot imagine the immeasurable grief they must be dealing with. Know the mothers of the world grieve with you tomorrow.

To my Mom...thank you for instilling in me the love of writing as it allows me this special outlet every week to entertain people all over the world with my warped 'take' on a half hour of crazy TV. Happy Mother's Day!

The Soap Box

Kacy says: 'I think teaming Ashley with Thorne - that is the "old" Thorne the strong character that he was when he ran Spectra would be very interesting. Also, Ashley has a daughter as well as Thorne - the interaction would be very interesting........

Patty writes in: 'I'll get to this week's question in just a minute...I have been reading the spoilers both here and at other sites. All of them mention that Taylor will now be able to have "the baby she's always wanted." HELLO...she has 3 children...weren't they babies too? If I were one of her kids and someone said that about my mother...well, she'd be seeing the last of me. It is being made to sound like Taylor is now so obsessed with giving Nick a child that she is being made to look like an ungrateful mother to her already alive and well children with Ridge. Come on people! As for this week's question...Ashley should be with anyone but Ridge or Rick. Ridge has no respect for women and Rick is too young-or at least he's portrayed that way. I think maybe Thorne could be an option, but only if Ashley was totally committed to him like Darla was. We need to see more of Thorne and it's about time he had a love again that appreciates what a terrific guy he is!' \

Liliane says: 'I have a third option to suggest. Taylor would discover that she is actually already pregnant with Nick's baby, and thus the IVF will not be required. In the meantime, both Brooke and Bridget steal some of Nick's sperm and secretly inject themselves. Nick would become the father of three babies.' OMG!!! NOOOO!!!

Have a great week!!!

Kristine Cain
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