The life lessons of soaps

For the Week of March 10, 2008
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The life lessons of soaps
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Ridge has had nearly all of the Logan women except Katie, and Eric has almost pulled off the hat-trick in that family as well...oh, wait! He did, if you include their mother!

I love going through the bookstore and seeing all those 'Everything I Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten' books espousing the virtues of the simple things we pick up about life in childhood. Then I started thinking that the same could be said for life lessons picked up through watching the sleazy goings-on at B&B.....

I have learned that there is nothing like a solid lock on the front door of your mansion. I have learned that even though you are super rich and famous, you don't need a security system until after you have been victimized in some way. I have also learned that giving your mansion a whole new look is as easy as changing the camera angle a little (see the Marone mansion for an example of that). Who needs 'Trading Spaces' when you can just trade cameras?

I have learned that there is nothing wrong with fornicating within the same family circles. Nick has run through 2 Forrester women and 2 Logan's and is still going strong. Ridge has had nearly all the Logan women except Katie and Eric has also almost pulled off the hat-trick in that family as well...oh wait! He did if you include their Mama!

I have also learned that it is just as important to bounce back and forth among fathers & sons and mothers & daughters. Brooke had her son-in-law and now Taylor is getting hot and heavy with Brooke's son. But Rick has kissed both mother and daughter in Taylor and Phoebe and Nick has had marriages to Brooke and her daughter Bridget. Yikes...nothing but good ol' American family musical beds...a true life lesson in how to jockey the inter-family lovers!

I have learned that there is no such thing as 'destiny'. No way, no how. If Ridge actually believes all that mumbo-jumbo about destiny with him and Brooke, he needs serious mental help. The only destiny these two share is that they are 'destined' to be apart.

I have also learned how to commit felonies and NOT go to jail. Let's see, I have learned how to run someone over with my car (Hector...), how to actually go all the way and commit vehicular manslaughter while drunk (Taylor...), shoot people ( Ridge/Rick and Storm), shoot someone AND obstruct justice by dumping the body (Ridge...) and even be an accessory to rape (Stephanie...). All that without spending any real time in that's a valuable life lesson if I've ever seen one! Pay attention kids...

I have also learned that no pregnancy is safe from DNA speculation. It's always been the 'Who's the Daddy' story for as long as soaps have been around but when the 'Who's the Mama?' happened...well, all bets are off. I learned that if I ever get pregnant again to make sure that I have multiple DNA tests just in case Bridget was in charge of anything having to do with facility telling me I'm actually having a baby. No womb is safe when she's around.

I learned that everyone is capable of change...except Brooke Logan. Nick changed from a hot and determined sailor with a reckless streak to a shell of his former self...slightly mean sometimes and totally whipped when it comes to Brooke. Taylor was a smart and dignified presence for years that was a devoted wife and mother but now she has changed almost overnight into a weak and self-destructive paranoid drunk who can't handle the daily routine of child rearing. Ridge has changed from pig to almost nice guy back to pig more times than I can count. Brooke never has to change, I guess. She can remain self-obsessed, nearly co-dependent sometimes, and always thinking with her genitals at all times. She can't be alone and never has the strength to tell Ridge 'No' once and for all. I guess not everyone HAS to change, right?

I have learned that even though you sign a contract, you can still go 'recurring' and fade into the twilight of your soap career after a stint at B&B. Samantha, Caitlin, Massimo, Kristen, Dante, Hector, Harry, Thomas, just to name a few. Yep, nothing is guaranteed in life, least of all a permanent nameplate on your dressing room at B&B. There must be a lot of dry-erase boards on those doors, huh? Thorne, Donna, Storm...pack light!

I have learned to commit these phrases to memory as they seem to be used in everyone's daily language....'We share a child together'...'We are destined to be together'...'I am committed to him/her'...'I did it for the family'...'We'll just take the Forrester jet and go away'...'The company cannot take anymore scandals'...

I have also learned that actual jobs are not that important. You can really just sit around all day looking at your baby, cradling a bottle of vodka, or hanging out at Café Russe while your nanny or secretary handles everything for you. Remind me... need to get a couple of those.

Ok, now here is what I have learned in the 6 years of writing the Scoops column...why is it called 'Two Scoops' anyway? Anyway, I have learned that the pro-Brooke camp is as vocal as the anti-Brooke camp. Many a night I have looked out the window watching for an angry mob to storm onto my house. I have learned that most people can't stand Ridge but nearly everyone likes poor invisible Thorne. I have learned better than to ever challenge anyone by saying that Brooke is not THAT important to the fabric of the show. I also learned that people think I am a little warped sometimes and funny most times. I have enraged people and made them pee their pants at the same time (now THAT'S a gift, let me tell you!). I have learned how to come up with a column when there has been little worthwhile to write about all week. Most of all, though, I have learned that I have been lucky to have such wonderful readers who have stuck with me over the years. I hope you all aren't bored with my insights each week, but if you are, now is the time to tell me what you like/dislike about the column. I always said that I wanted to keep people entertained each week and if I am failing to do that, I need to know. Maybe I'm not and you all still like checking in every week which is great, but let me know nonetheless.

I will post the 'Question of the Week' in the message board for B&B as this is probably a better place for this kind of lively discussion.

I think the email link has been fixed so let me hear from you...have great week everyone!!

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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