Small sacrifices

For the Week of June 8, 2009
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B&B Two Scoops: Small sacrifices
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When Donna finds out that Eric is begging Stephanie to come back to work at Forrester and declaring his love for her, it might push her over the edge into Dollar Bill's arms.

Ladies and Gentlemen: If I could keep my husband out of jail by sleeping with the likes of Don Diamont, I would be on my back in 3 seconds flat. I mean, I wouldn't want to, but if that was my only option, I could totally force myself to do Bill Spencer.

Seriously, if that is the worst problem Donna has, please, please, please let me trade lives with her. A gorgeous, rich guy wants one night with her in return for not having her husband arrested? I'd be happy to shoulder that one.

In exchange Donna can have "My car warranty is almost up and my transmission is failing." Or how about my "I lost almost my entire 401 K in the past year and have no retirement money." Or the ever popular "My hormones are on a roller coaster ride and taking me with them." Well, you get the idea. A night of hot sex with a hunk seems like a very, very manageable problem in comparison to the rest of us mere mortals.

Of course, Eric's big problem is that someone is trying to buy his company for 100 million dollars. No wait 80 million, now it's 60 million; I think the latest offer was 50 million. Boys and girls let me tell you, I would have said "DEAL" after the first offer.

Her Eric! Take the 100 million bucks, divvy it up between your arrogant rich children, and retire. Go to the French Riviera and sunbathe over Mai-Tais. If you get bored in a few months, draw a couple of dresses and sell the designs to someone. You could even host a fashion show in the back yard of your mansion out by the pool.

But no, Eric and family fretted about it not realizing the schmucks like me envy their problems. Oh wait, they are fictional characters. I forgot that for a minute.

I hope that Eric and Stephanie reunite anyway, so if Donna falls for bad boy Dollar Bill, hooray for everyone. Stephanie is manipulative and annoying, but she occasionally admits her bad behavior which makes me kind of like her. In real life people like Stephanie never admit their bad behavior or even recognize it as bad. But in truth, Eric and Stephanie deserve each other. After years of back and forth, I say to them "Just grow old together and shut up already."

Of course, all this was rendered moot with Stephanie's clever scheme to record Bill right in mid-blackmail. Eric acted like Stephanie was a Mensa member for coming up with that idea. Hey Eric! Half of your audience has been screaming that at the TV for a week now. We ALL thought of that idea. Maybe Eric could take us all on at Forrester for being so brilliant and we could sit up on the building's rooftop café and drink lattes for a living. Score!

When Thorne, Felicia, Stephanie and Eric all had a big cuddly family huddle hug and left Donna out, it watered the seeds of doubt that Bill Spencer planted. Donna felt left out, which of course was with good reason because she was left out.

When Donna finds out Eric is begging Stephanie to come back to work at Forrester and declaring his love for her, it might push Donna over the edge into Dollar Bill's arms. Of course it would just be straight sex without the benefit of keeping her husband out of jail, but let's face it; Donna would still be the winner in that deal.

As my astute reader Erin pointed out this week, it's unlikely that anyone would actually go to jail for hiring illegal workers. California prisons are overcrowded and they are letting worse criminals that Eric Forrester out of jail every day.

Companies are generally only fined for each illegal employee. I just looked it up and as of today it's a $2200 penalty for each illegal immigrant on a company's first offense, and up to 11,000 for a company's third offense. So, Eric really didn't have anything to worry about. He would have to pay a single $2200 fine since this was his first offense and he only had ONE guy there illegally. He has dresses in his warehouse worth more than that.

Over at the penthouse condo, Cougar Jackie has moved Kitten Tamer Owen into her place. Ladies, if you asked a man to move in with you and he showed up with nothing but an accordion that he didn't know hot to play and Speedos wouldn't you be very, very afraid? I know I would. What kind of guy doesn't own a book or a CD or a trophy from something he's won in his life? Oh yeah, the kind of guys who are content to be boy toys for older rich women I guess.

Owen hinted that he might be in it just for the money, but that Jackie shouldn't care since he makes her happy regardless of his motives....Um, about that time my foot would have made contact with Owens' behind. Sadly Jackie seemed okay with the thought, which only goes to show how lonely she is. It will break my heart on the day Owen breaks her heart, but we all know it's coming don't we?

Of course, right now, the trick is to give us a plot line where the very buff Brandon Beemer has an excuse to be shirtless every day. When he was just a suit in the office, he didn't really have a good reason to undress. Now he does and we can all gawk and lick our lips. I am a little disappointed because I thought Owen and Bridget had some potential, but instead Bridget went back to Slagathor again.

Does anyone else besides me find Nick kind of creepy right now? His weird obsession with his Mom's sex life is a little unnerving. I understand his concern that she is being used, but she's no dummy, and has repeatedly assured him her eyes are wide open. It's also pretty yucky that Owen and Jackie and Nick and Bridget are all having sex on the same desk. Eww. Talk about cross contamination.

I predict the next crazy plot twist will be Bridget getting pregnant by Owen's sperm as it was still swimming around on Nick's desk. No one will believe the two of them didn't get it on!

Why the sudden reunion of Nick and Bridget? Were they freeing Katie up for Bill, or maybe for the impending arrival of Rick Hearst? Maybe this time Katie will steal Whip from Brooke instead of stealing a man from Brooke's daughter. That is one messed up family! What a bunch of in-breeders!

I hear you out there saying "Brooke isn't with Whip, she is with Ridge." Well, not for long. Ridge is not going to be very forgiving when Brooke sides with Rick and Steffy again for their 14th reconciliation.

I love how Rick and Steffy went prancing in so certain Ridge was going to change his mind about them. Okay, the "Tribute to Phoebe" video idea didn't work, the "Letting psychotic Thomas come back to work" idea didn't work, the "Let's get married at Ridge and Brooke's special place to honor their live" idea didn't work... Rick! Give it up! Ridge despises you, just embrace that. I seriously doubt the "I have changed so much in my one week of therapy" argument is going to be the one that wins Ridge over.

Rick and Steffy are adults and do not need Ridge and Brooke's permission. When Ridge was hyperventilating and demanding Brooke to say she FORBID Rick and Steffy to date, I wondered what sort of a drug induced fog Ridge lives in if he thinks you can forbid your adult children to date people you dislike?

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will B&B hire more castoffs that were fired from other soaps? (I hear Melody Scott Thomas is on the market.) Will Stephanie get Hillary Clinton to appear in a fashion show for Jackie M where they both hit the runway in dueling pantsuits? Will Jared become a 'double knot' spy for Eric Forrester against Bill Spencer? Will someone please wipe down Nick's desk with a Clorox wipe? Will Felicia peel that dead animal off the back of her head?

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