One in a million chance of a lifetime

For the Week of September 28, 2015
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B&B Two Scoops: One in a million chance of a lifetime
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This week, a pregnancy chased off Aunt Flo, but Uncle Envy just bought a Malibu condo. Zende's jealous of who's kissing whom, and everyone thinks Thomas is jealous of the supposedly sub-virile groom. All Uncle Envy wants to know is -- who put baby cakes in Caroline's oven? It's time for the viewers to render a second opinion on the improbable possibilities for Ridge's geriatric swimmers on the Bold and the Beautiful.

Life's a beautiful nightmare this week for our first lady of fashion. First, Caroline's wedding was nothing to tweet about or discuss over Cake Boss rejects on floppy plates. She was kinda drug-sexed by her ex, who happens to be her new stepson now, but it's okay because he swears he'd never intentionally take advantage of a drunk woman -- unless she's in a tent in Cabo or scrounging for food on Berry Island.

Caroline's very forgiving because, thank God, Aunt Flo came to town a day or two later -- or was that Aunt Implantation? Who knows? They look so alike, you'd swear they were twins -- except one is lighter than the other, and under normal circumstances, one would indicate pregnancy while the other does not. Who has time for pesky details like that when you're trying to get pregnant anyway? It worked. Shut up. Oh, wait. Wrong dude? As in stepson, wrong due? Ouch.

Caroline wouldn't have to worry about such pesky details had she not run out of her loft like her hair was on fire instead of getting to the bottom of Ridge's mumbling breakup speech. Likewise if she'd gone to stay with her cousins or Bill like she'd done when she left the Forrester mansion.

And if she'd kept her hands off Pam's pills -- and those missing pills are probably the reason Pam is overly excited about her cake and picking out crappy dollar-store plates -- then I wouldn't have to go to Internet School to render a second opinion on her and Ridge's appointments with doctors this week.

My Internet School of pregnancy and infertility came highly recommended from Brooke Logan, who could have saved Ridge a ton of money at the doctor's office if he'd listened. I just graduated after about two hours of course work, so take it easy on me if I don't explain something right, miss a medical detail, or in the end, prescribe Caroline a magic pill that reconstructs DNA in the womb.

Ridge should have taken Brooke's advice to stop withholding things from Caroline weeks ago instead of breaking up with Caroline. Now the advice is past its expiration date, and Caroline is ingesting his infertility news like it's rotten milk -- or was that a look of morning sickness? If he'd stopped playing God and started playing committed partner, she might not even be playing the guess-the-daddy game.

No matter how many times Brooke warned that impetuous man, just like always, Ridge had to jump head over feet into things. Brooke told him not to date Katie on a poetic rebound and a string. He did it anyway and broke Katie's heart. Brooke warned him to let her and Bill be. Ridge didn't and wound up falling out of a helicopter. Brooke told him not to play with Caroline's emotions. He did it anyway, causing Rick War III at Forrester.

Brooke's warned the bull to do some research before belly-flopping back into the baby-making business, but what did Ridge do? He breaks up with Caroline and then proposes to her the next day like an emo teenager with his first girlfriend. Even Zende had more sense while dealing with Thomas kissing Nicole than to break up with her. Well, you can't breakup a nonstarter, though, can you?

Next, Ridge asks Thomas to be his best man, and not two days later, he says, "Sike!" and whisks Caroline off on a DIY elopement. As rash as Ridge is, they definitely need to question the legality of what transpired at his friend's beach house.

Brooke remained as patient as a circling shark, pretending to read files and like designs, cutting her eyes at Ridge until she could pounce upon any private moment to try to save him from drowning in his own antics the same way she'd saved the meandering amnesiac on the Abu Dhabi coast.

If I were Brooke, this time, I'd leave Ridge to drown in his own sea of unviable semen. After all, it's his fault she isn't happily married or happily divorced from Bill at the moment. And Ridge was too busy tying strings on Katie and playing footsy with Caroline under the drawing table to even notice that his son's mother had slipped and fallen into a vodka bottle in the months following him destroying her happiness with Bill.

Some viewers think Brooke is an incurable busybody who might be jealous of Caroline. Given Bridge's history, I believe Brooke when she said she's glad that Bridge fell down. Quinn could be partly right about Brooke feeling disgruntled about another mother hen in the mix. It might be because the only diapers she has time to change are Ridge's, and she doesn't want to help R.J. fight yet another kid on the Forrester playground someday.

My diagnosis is that Brooke is just trying to get Ridge to do something he forgot how to do ever since he returned from Paris -- use his brain, not his libido, when making decisions. Brooke's been burning the candle at both ends, trying to advise Ridge and to passively aggressively warn Caroline that she won't get a baby "just like that!" (finger snap), and the newlyweds need all the advice they can get if you consider the Tayloresque doctors they turned to.

Last week, we discussed how lying Aunt Flo tricked Caroline into thinking she was in the clear. Dr Li, who ranked only one person higher than Taylor Hayes in their graduating class, sat up there, nodding while Caroline talked about how light and abrupt Aunt Flo had behaved with her. Instead of considering that Aunt Flo's evil twin, Aunt Implantation Bleeding, or their cranky cousin, Ovulation Spotting, had masqueraded as Aunt Flo, Dr. Li said pregnancies come after Aunt Flo, so baby cakes might be Ridge's.

Oh, yeah, it's possible that it's Ridge's, all right, but it's also possible that it might be Thomas', too. If Caroline had seen Aunt Flo, then Aunt Flo needs to be on the unemployment line with Ivy for not doing her job of ejecting Caroline's egg. Caroline certainly can't work with Aunt Flo if she can't trust her at critical times like this, and it looks like Aunty F is on a nine-month leave of absence, which she can use to think about where she went wrong with spotting gate.

If Caroline had seen Aunt Implantation, then depending upon how quickly she visited after Caroline's night with Thomas, this baby could be Ridge's. See, Aunt Impy comes to anchor things down about six to twelve days after fertilization. I guess she could be early -- Internet School didn't cover that -- but unless she's about three or more days early, the baby can't belong to Thomas.

It seemed that, in less than twenty-four hours, Ridge and Caroline were broken up, reunited, and engaged. Maybe one more day went by, and Caroline got her mysterious Aunt's visit. We can give it two or three more days, but it still makes Aunt Impy too early for Thomas to be the baby cake maker.

If it was Aunt Ovy who visited Caroline to toss out eggs, then the baby is Ridge's because Caroline has to ovulate to get pregnant. If women reading this have had special visitations by the aunts outside the norm that baffled you about your pregnancies, comment below.

So, what about Ridge's slugs for sperm and vasectomy? These details, and the birth control, toss a curve ball in to complicate Ridge's odds. The doctor told Ridge a series of things, some of which conflict with each other if you ask me. The doctor said that Ridge's "counts" were in the normal range, but Ridge is azoospermic. To this doctor, it means the sperm Ridge produces isn't viable. To the dictionary, it means that Ridge has zero sperm in his ejaculate.

According to the definition of "sperm count," which is the doctor counting the sperm in Ridge's ejaculate, Ridge can't have a normal sperm count and also be azoospermic because azoospermic men have no ejaculate sperm to count -- unless, by "counts," the doctor is referring to the hairs on Ridge's head of which he has abnormally high counts for a man his supposed age.

Even though a normal sperm count gives Ridge a chance, no matter how remote, of being the baker man, we have to discard the contradiction as a writer's gaffe and move on to what the doctor highlights as Ridge's main problem -- tired sperm that partied too much at the beach with Caroline.

Ridge is very aggressive at getting what he wants, but as of sample day, his swimmers are unmotivated. Most of his little guys might even be in a coma, most likely induced by falling in the gulf to save R.J. from Bill as a stepfather. Less than ten percent are frisky, but it just takes one to be as perky and bouncy as Ridge is on a good day to make Ridge hit the baby cakes jackpot.

Ridge should have demanded a retest at a later date, as happens with the real-life procedure. In the real world, the doctor should have waited one to eleven days after the visit for the initial test and two weeks for the retest. Every test requires fresh samples from unexhausted organs, and a man who just got back from an overnight wedding does not have fresh samples.

But just like the vasectomy, the breakup, and the marriage, Ridge jumped right in, rushing everything. If you want my non-expert, un-medical opinion, his haste produced rushed, inaccurate results. Instead of being like Caroline and asking the doctor what to eat and how to get his sperm moving, all he wanted to know was how to get Caroline pregnant with unmotivated sperm.

The doctor said something about in vitro, but Ridge isn't trying to hear all that. Everything has to be perfect, natural, and fairytale-like in his mind, even though I suspect Caroline would get impregnated via c-section if she had to, but no...He can't put her through in vitro, so he's just gonna give up.

I'm disappointed that Ridge wasn't more hopeful. I knew a guy who was about to have his wife inseminated with another man's sperm, and just when they came around to that decision, she got pregnant. You know how? No, Thomas wasn't there, and the baby looks like the father. What happened was that he did CrossFit for about six months and changed his diet. That's it.

If you don't want to CrossFit, I read that another way to get those sperm moving is by having more sex. That really shouldn't be too hard for Ridge. I'm no expert. I just know that Ridge's doctor didn't hand out enough options, and Ridge rolled over and played as dead as this doctor claims the sperm is. But who knows? With Ridge, tomorrow's a new day to change his mind, and when tomorrow comes, he might be the most CrossFitting, horny-goat-weed-eating man alive.

Ridge's final hurdle is Caroline's birth control pills. I hope the reason that Pam's not looking for her anxiety medication isn't because she mistook them for Caroline's pills. Caroline had no comment when the doctor mentioned their lowered effectiveness if she didn't take them properly; however, even if she did take them properly, the stress of her accident, rehabilitation, and pain pills could have wreaked havoc on the pills' effectiveness. She was obsessed and stressed for weeks about not having a baby and stressed over the breakup. It's possible she forgot pills here and there. These things combined with Ridge's tenacious ten-percent-or-lessers might have caused a conception by Ridge before Thomas got overly involved.

Maybe I'm just grasping at one-in-a-million chances, but Caroline is actually pregnant with Thomas' child. Maybe there is no CarRidge miracle baby. If this child belongs to Thomas, how will Ridge respond? Will he be as understanding and willing to raise the child as he had been when he "died," Brooke had grief sex with Nick, and everyone thought R.J. was Nick's? Or, like Steffy with Liam, will Ridge tear the house down around Caroline, screaming that he'd gotten a vasectomy in the first place to avoid mama bear traps?

Thorsten Kaye's Ridge doesn't have a maternal lightning rod that he either follows or opposes as Ronn Moss's Ridge had in Stephanie. Instead, Kaye's Ridge fights Brooke's guidance like a lost bear cub. But he sure did look comfy in Mama Bear's arms this week, didn't he?

One thing the Ridge of old and new share is an aversion to Thomas sleeping with their women. Ridge left Brooke over the Berry-Island thought of it, even though he'd stayed with her after the Oliver wall-sex escapade. Will Ridge leave Caroline over drugged sex she can't even remember?

There could be a different twist. Thomas could recant the sex statements so that Caroline can have her coveted baby with Ridge. He'd have to hire Carl for some paternity test switching, but it might be worth it to Thomas in order to give Caroline what he knows she needs with his father.

Zende's one person who probably wishes Thomas would deny sexual contact with a woman, and that woman is Nicole. The idea of Thomas kissing Nicole turned Zende's jealousy up to a ten when it needed to be at a zero. Well, Zende, you snooze, you lose, right? Luckily for him, in the end, the kiss brought the couple closer. They had their first kiss and planned their first date -- which must have happened off-screen Thursday night.

Thomas has this habit of latching on to other men's love interests for his own gain. The most "taboo" of them all was latching on to Brooke. Taylor flipped her weave, and Brooke smacked the psychology out of Taylor when she insinuated that Brooke was seducing Thomas. Thomas had been the amateur seducer, but after ingesting a few foul berries, he struck out completely with Brooke.

Thomas daydreamed about his chances with Hope, which were zero no matter how many drinks he bought her in Cabo San Lucas. He took Dayzee for a Champagne ride in the sky but crashed and burned because of Marcus. Caroline and Rick seemed to be love at first sight, but Rick didn't know Thomas was standing behind him, ogling Caroline like a wolf when she exited the limo that day.

Caroline wasn't studying Thomas after he put Rick through a window at Forrester. Caroline isn't studying him now, either, even after he finally drunkenly scored with her. I wonder if we should be seeing a pattern of alcohol, drugs, and women with Thomas. What do you think?

Thomas might have hit the woman lotto with Caroline and the baby, but he'd better find them some place to live quickly because Caroline's Guccci bags are headed back to the Forrester curb. She and Thomas will probably get fired, too, but Forrester's corporate trash is Spencer Designs' treasure. Bill won't be able to resist the fashion house idea if Wyatt brings on these two Forrester couture designers.

If others start jumping off the Forrester Titanic, we can count on Quinn to find herself a seat in the Spencer Designs' lifeboat, whether Bill wants her there or not. If Steffy could actually get her brother to tell her that a love-triangle iceberg is dead ahead, then she might make a better decision for Forrester than perpetuating her bitterness to infinity and beyond with Ivy.

For some unknown reason, Ivy decided to respectfully grovel to Steffy to return to Forrester. Ivy's hoping cooler heads will prevail, even though her breath singed Wyatt's hair when she said that Steffy wouldn't get away with keeping Ivy out of Forrester.

Ivy used that hot breath to state something else, too -- that she loved Wyatt for proposing the design house for her. The statement went right over his head, and he didn't tell her that he loved her, too. Wyatt had better start tuning in before something else flies right over his head -- Quinn, on her broom, back into his personal business.

I'm surprised Steffy De Ville isn't up in Wyatt's business, distrusting why he's working at home. I expected her to wonder why Liam wasn't at the reception or why Charlie was sleeping on the job when Ivy arrived at Forrester. Well, as Steffy said, if she wants a job done right, she has to do it herself. I just don't know how well Steffy can do the job when she doesn't know or remember anything.

As we know, Steffy doesn't know Wyatt's job title. She probably doesn't know Brooke's, either, which is why Liam's the vice-president when Brooke used to be. While Steffy was busy ranting that Quinn's design wasn't what Quinn had pitched, Thomas had to remind his sister that Quinn and Ivy had pitched the original designs together, and it goes without saying that Steffy had put Quinn on her own since then.

Is Steffy frustrated with Quinn's work already? I thought she'd loved it and praised it over Ivy's work in the past, even as Liam defended Ivy's work? Thomas asked if his sister was having second thoughts about firing Ivy, but in her stubbornness, Steffy perpetuates her claims of distrust.

It's stuff like this that makes me wish for a change in leadership. Steffy jokes with Thomas not to get on the boss's bad side. Her boyfriend, who has no fashion house experience, is in place to mindlessly back her every decision. Her father is off chasing eggs and sperm instead of working.

Well, at least Ridge became smart enough to take his private business home, because the halls have ears, but he should be at the office, guiding the business, not leaving it to the novices and interns. I long for the days of old when Ridge and Brooke ran the company and actual work got done.

Maybe the whole baby story arc is headed toward a Bridge reunion. Who else can keep Forrester afloat and designs hanging on its skeleton but fashion's first couple, Ridge and Brooke? Caroline's halfie-outfit days are over, and she and Thomas will go to Spencer Designs. Eric will dust off his pencil, and Brooke and Ridge will once again work cheek-to-cheek to save Forrester.

I believe Pam predicted it when she said, "Who would have thought that a few years ago when Caroline stepped out of that elevator, that she, not Brooke, would wind up being Mrs. Ridge Forrester?" That statement's gotta be the kiss of death for CarRidge -- that and the paper plates, anyway.

Tell us what you think is on the Los Angeles horizon. Is a CarRidge baby just a one-in-a-million chance of a lifetime, or is Thomas the one who hit the baby jackpot with his new stepmom? Is Ridge being too rash and his doctor too cavalier to pursue his condition further? Will this family explosion cause Wyatt's fashion empire to rise from the ashes?

How will Liam feel if Steffy makes another unilateral decision about Ivy that he has to back without a vote? Or will Steffy allow him to feel anything without the new victim tears she learned how to cry?

How was Zende and Nicole's first date off-screen? Did Maya and Rick ruin it to needlessly question a Forrester whom Rick has known for years about his intentions toward Nicole? I'm sure Nicole will be yapping all about it next week. Till then, stay bold and beautiful, baby!

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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