Pee Wee Quinn's Big Adventure

For the Week of July 4, 2022
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Paris never thought she'd be a disposable bride. Instead of tacky Parisian wedding decor, Paris should have rented a clue about her groom. Here's the scoop on why no one should feel sorry for the jilted bride. Quinn took a biking adventure for her man, but she could have just called Il Giardino for Carter "takeout!" Read about what made this wedding the weirdest B&B wedding yet -- and since when can't Ridge and Bill get dates?

Many say it's rushed, but I say it's overdue

Queric (Quinn + Eric) ended the same way it began -- with a waxed-legged Eric in bed with a woman, and a loved one nauseated by Eric's secret affair. Back then, it was Steffy who found out Eric was secretly seeing Quinn. This time around, Bridget peered in disillusioned disgust upon finding her father in bed with her aunt. No wonder Bridget jetted out of there so fast, leaving Quinn without an alternative ride to Il Giardino. Bridget probably couldn't get to a barf bag quick enough.

Speaking of Bridget, before she was blinded for life in her father's love bungalow, she was at lunch with Quinn, addressing the elephant at the table -- namely, that her mother had told her about Quinn and Carter's affair and Carter's wedding that day. As long as we're addressing elephants, I see a few roaming around here, too.

First, the fact that Brooke and Bridget sat around gossiping about Quinn and Carter's affair is hilarious. It's hard to imagine that salacious affairs are a free-flowing topic for this mother-daughter duo, considering their past. Next, I would never have imagined Bridget would befriend her mother's enemy, especially since Quinn detests all Logans. What's next for Bridget? Chinese takeout with Taylor? Champagne with Sheila? A Macy séance?

As for Queric, it's caput. Eric ended things with Quinn rather succinctly. Just like Paris didn't get that her wedding was over, Quinn didn't get that her marriage was over. She couldn't see how Eric's affair was fair. Quinn had a secret affair; Eric had a secret affair. Sounds fair to me. What wasn't fair was that Quinn said she'd do anything for Eric -- except let him have his honey-dipped side piece the way Eric let her have her human blow-up doll, Carter.

Rena Sofer (Quinn) gave a riveting performance, but I had the eyeroll of my life, watching Quinn cry for a marriage that has been dead for over a year, dragged out and flogged like a dead horse for months while four people tortured themselves in denial. If you ask me, this could have been over last fall when Eric got a taste of Donna's honey. He said everything's easier with Donna, and by that, I'm betting he means the effort to have sex. No pills, no extra frills or pickles on the Pickleball court. Eric couldn't wait to sign up for that life.

Quinn has never been a delicate flower, and I'm not gonna start feeling sorry for her anytime soon. She snapped back from her pain over Eric quickly. In fact, it was just like riding a bike.

I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike.

When it comes to wedding-busting, B&B fans have witnessed a lot. The bridal cavalry has galloped into a wedding, faint-bombed a wedding, roared in on a boat tank, and now, peddled in on a bell-ringing bicycle. After Bridget ditched Quinn without so much as an "are you gonna be okay?" or lecture to her unfaithful father, Quinn needed a lift.

Quinn tried to pick the lock on the valet key station to get her own keys, to no avail. She tried to call Carter, but he was at the altar. She finally got underway on a bicycle, but as she glided along with none of the biking adeptness of Pee-Wee Herman, I pondered two things. One -- how lucky Quinn was that she'd dressed down that day, and two -- can't stopping this wedding be accomplished in a much more efficient manner?

It's too bad Mike didn't just conveniently roll up with a car to commandeer, but maybe Quinn could have called a rideshare car. Waiting for a car still might have been faster than manually trekking it up Venice Beach on a hot afternoon. Here's another idea: Quinn could have speed-dialed Il Giardino just like she does any other day to order takeout, and instead, ordered herself one groom to go, hold the bridezilla histrionics.

But that's too easy, and we would have missed Quinn gleefully peddling along like Kermit the Frog in her own world, thinking of all the boinking she and Carter would do that night.

The weirdest wedding on B&B

Carter and Paris' wedding was just weird, from the French theme that had nothing to do with their hook-up to the disgruntled, dateless, socially distant guests. The wedding speechmaker, Hope, struggled to find words to say about a couple she hadn't even known had dated until the day prior. Ridge beefed up security because Sheila is on the loose, but why in the blazing SUV would Sheila crash Carter and Paris' wedding? And why, when a crazed woman crashed the wedding, one matching Sheila's description, did security not seize her and toss her out?

At least the wedding took place in a fond setting for the couple -- Il Giardino, the location of every date they've ever had in Los Angeles with each other and others. But when did Il Giardino move from Rodeo Drive to the beach? Forrester employees always lunch there, so does that mean Forrester is not in the city but near the beach?

As for the dateless guests, it must have been killing Zende to witness Paris attempt to marry someone else in the same room he'd contemplating proposing to her in. It's probably also weighing heavily on Zende that when he had the chance, he didn't take advantage of Carter's fiancée Zoe; however, Carter, who couldn't care less about Paris, moved right in on her despite Zende's feelings. Zende should have brought Sequoya with him to the wedding to prove to Paris that he won't be her consolation prize once this blows up in her face.

Speaking of Zoe, Paris wished her mother would attend her wedding, especially because her sister was out of town. Paris said that with a straight face as if Zoe would have condoned her little sister marrying her ex, the man who tried to use Zoe the exact same way to get over Quinn.

Being new to town, Grace didn't bring a date, but you can't tell me that fine men like Ridge and Bill can't get dates. Katie's back in town. Why didn't Bill ask her? More importantly, why did Bill even bother to attend this wedding? He probably obliviously donates tons of money to charity and undoubtedly turns down plenty of rando invitations. I cannot think of one reason Bill would care to get gussied up for rando Paris' wedding, let alone come without an entertainment date.

Carter didn't invite his buddy Katie to his wedding. I suspect it's because he also attempted to use her as a beard for his feelings for Quinn. I'll bet Katie was never so glad to still be hung up on Bill, or else she'd be the irate fool in white at the altar, watching her groom kiss another man's wife on her wedding day. Congratulations, Katie, you dodged the Carter silver bullet of love.

As for Ridge, I think he was slumming for a date when he went to Brooke's house, and I'm glad Brooke wasn't available for him to pick up as a last-minute date "just like that." When Brooke wasn't home, he went to the wedding stag. That should tell the Chinese takeout delivery lady and her Parent-Trap son something really important, shouldn't it?

Hopefully, Ridge watching Carter force himself to settle for an Impossible Burger when he really wants a grass-fed triple with cheese will make Ridge see that he has to stop leading Taylor on and return to his wife. As much as Ridge goes on about how Carter really loves Quinn and isn't being fair to Paris, Ridge knows damn well he loves Brooke, and it's not fair to Taylor.

As wrong as Ridge is in his own life, he was the voice of exasperation and reason at the wedding. The whole time, his face was saying what I was thinking, and then he finally said what I was thinking when he told Quinn to cut the theatrics and get to the point. The line of the week had to be when Quinn said he should be glad about her breakup with Eric, and Ridge replied, "I'm not saying I'm not happy, but..." Thank you, Thorsten Kaye, for your perfectly arrogant and humorous portrayal of Ridge Forrester.

Humiliation of bridezilla proportions

Carter told Paris that it was bad luck for them to see each other before the wedding. Paris apparently wanted all the bad luck she could get because she visited him twice, and she video-called him from her dressing room. She got every bit of that bad luck in spades when Quinn biked her way to Il Giardino and crashed into the ceremony like the Kool-Aid Man.

Carter is the dream Paris never knew she wanted and the nightmare she never knew she'd have to survive. Or did she know? Come on, now, Paris, you had to know that Carter would pull the same clown dickery on you that he pulled on Zoe. Zoe should have warned her sister, but I'm guessing Zoe didn't think Paris was dumb enough to fall in the same hole Zoe had.

I think Paris knew that Carter was still in love with Quinn but just didn't care. I have to believe that because, with a shrewd mother like Grace and a con man father, it's impossible that Paris could be too much of an imbecile to figure it out. Even Zoe figured it out -- or at least listened to reason when Thomas turned her into a disposable bride, and she had enough sense to let Carter go when she realized their engagement was a sham to cover up Carter's feelings for Quinn. But not Paris. She barreled into the wedding like a bridezilla at a bad cake tasting, and even when she completely lost her groom's attention, she still tried to plow the wedding through.

It's not all Paris' fault. One wants to believe it when a man is actually setting up a wedding himself and having their names printed on Eiffel Tower renderings, but if you expected Paris to timidly back down and go quietly back to the single life, you thought wrong. Paris ordered Quinn out of the ceremony with all the indignation that a true bride would have, and her confidence that Carter wanted to marry her made her disposable bride status all the more humiliating.

Grace should have snatched Paris by her braid and dragged her out of there before Carter wordlessly left her daughter dazed at the altar, watching the groom stand there, kissing another woman in front of the entire five-guest wedding. Grace wanted someone to stop the wedding, so I guess she owes Quinn a fruit basket.

Quarter (Quinn + Carter) has many fans, and few viewers have sympathy for Paris, who knew what she was getting into. Still, Carter was sleazy to jilt this young woman at her first wedding and not even give her the dignity of talking to her in private or clearing the room before breaking her heart. He'd just told her that the wedding wasn't rushed and that he didn't know what had taken him so long to see what he needed. And then, in an instant, he flashed a "sorry-not-sorry" look her way and straight up humiliated her in front of the only friends, family -- and major donor -- she has.

It's too bad Bill isn't in the market to donate brain cells.

In a look ahead:

Coming up on The Bold and the Beautiful, Finn awakens to a startling situation that becomes even more harrowing as his memory returns. Meanwhile, Jack visits Thomas and Taylor, seeking answers about Li and Finn. Eric makes a special announcement, and Ridge approaches Taylor about Brooke.

As for Li, we saw her careen off a bridge in a fiery SUV, but raise your voice in the comments section below if you think the unsinkable Li is washed up somewhere, coughing like a half-drowned rat.

Thanks for getting two scoops deep with me this week. Use the comments section to let me know what you think about this wacky wedding and whether or not you feel sorry for Paris or Quinn. I kind of feel sorry for Carter, actually, because Quinn only chose him because Eric left her. Oh, well. Until we scoop again, may your Fourth of July be bold and beautiful, baby!

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