Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

For the Week of April 3, 2006
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DAYS Two Scoops: Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
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Marlena should sue the holy crap out of Lexie. First for bringing Alex into the picture in the first place, and secondly for sedating Marlena after she specifically said she didn't want it.

First, let me start off by apologizing, but what in the holy hell is going on with Days this week? You know what everyone, strap in, it is going to be a bumpy ride.

Okay, I just have to say that if I am supposed to suspend my disbelief to believe that there is a drug in existence that could only make you forget only one specific thing in your past, then I want it. I have a really skeevy ex-boyfriend I would love to forget. And I hope when this whole Marlena/Alex fiasco is finally over, I hope Marlena sues the holy crap out of Lexie. First for bringing Alex into the picture in the first place, and secondly for sedating Marlena after she specifically said she didn't want it. You know, Lexie's actions make me think that she is still bad, bad again, or just channelling dear old daddy, Stefano. I hate Alex North. I love Wayne Northrup, don't get me wrong, but I hate this character so much my blood pressure has to raise like 20 points every time I see his face. I'm sorry, but this storyline is ridiculous. I was so excited when Marlena was getting her memory back and then I realized it was only March. The storyline must be dragged out and beaten to death for at least another two months until sweeps. And then "Dr." Carver gave her the sedative, and I figured that was it. Here we go again. And you know what else, dear readers. I really hope John shoots him. It won't happen now that deputy Shawn has spotted him, but just for me, I would really like John to shoot Alex.

Onto Shawn/Mimi/Belle/Philip. I'm glad that Shawn and Mimi got married, even though I thought that there was no way in the world that it was really going to happen. Yes, Mimi's a liar, but once again if she was smart (and didn't have a conscience) she would realize that there is no evidence to prove that she knows about Claire being Shawn's baby. If she was smart, she would act just as surprised as Shawn and Belle are, or say that she suspected it but Shawn and Belle swore that they never slept together, so she figured it couldn't be true. That would be if she was smart, which very few people on Days seem to be these days. No, Miriam Lockhart-Brady is going to crumble to pieces, say that she's been lying all along and face the formidable Wrath of Shawn. But in Mimi's defense, she is a much better friend than I could ever be. If Belle were my best friend and she barged into my honeymoon like that, someone would have absolutely died that day, because I would have choked the skank to death. I mean, come on, how can she possibly justify not going to her own Marine-trained husband because he was babysitting (I'm sorry men, but you don't "babysit" your own kids) and then because of his leg. She's like, "I heard what my dad was planning and I was just on autopilot." Mimi should have went on autopilot and beat her to death. Belle is one of the most selfish characters on the show at this point. Even Sami had enough decency not to interrupt someone's honeymoon. She would ruin the wedding, but at least she wouldn't walk in on someone in the middle of, as Mimi put it, a climactic moment for goodness sake. And why would you tell your husband that you're upset that your ex-boyfriend moved on without you, when you're the one who decided that it was a good idea to get married way before that ever happened. Yes, I remember the whole Jan drugging Shawn thing, but no one held a gun to Belle's head until she said I do. She has made her bed, but she wants to lie in Shawn's instead. I hope Mimi knocks her out.

I'm really sorry that this column is turning into a rant, but Days is giving me a lot of fuel for my fire this week. Could someone, for the love of God, please tell me why Bo felt the need to leave his oldest and only surviving son's wedding to attend to his demon spawn? Billie was there and was perfectly capable of chastising Chelsea's evil little butt, so why did Bo leave? To create that wonderful soap tension, I'm sure, but that was one of the stupidest, most senseless things I have seen on the show in a long time. I can believe that Hope isn't there because she doesn't know (but if Bo is emailing her, wouldn't he tell her?), but I just can't believe that Bo would leave over something as stupid as that. I think that Chelsea's diary is full of crap. Why would you keep an un-password protected diary on your laptop, and then leave the laptop in plain view unless you want someone to see it? It's just all a little too convenient. But here are Billie and Bo just melting to pieces over her feeling "unloved." Well, cry me a river. Life is rough. And please tell me that someone else saw that Frankie looked like he wanted to punch Chelsea in the face when she was screeching about Hope not coming home for the trial and how they have to make sure that happens. And like Patrick said (who apparently took the Salem collective brain with him to Morgan Island), why would Hope believe anything Chelsea had to say when she called the house? Everyone knows she lies. And why didn't Billie tell Bo what Chelsea did to Hope before the wedding, other than the obvious fact that no matter how much Billie protests, she wants Bo back? This whole thing in getting on my nerves. I'm sorry, I know you want your new daughter to believe that you are there for her, but why would you choose protecting her stupid little feelings over YOUR SON'S WEDDING?!?!?! It just doesn't make any sense.

Speaking of things that don't make any sense, the whole Austin/Carrie/Sami/Lucas thing is completely beyond my comprehension. First of all, since Lexie is obviously not an extremely adept doctor, why would Carrie accept such a devastating diagnosis where her and Austin having children is concerned without getting, I don't know, a SECOND OPINION?!? Come on! And then she picks Lucas like she was the prize in some extremely twisted carnival game. UGH. While I don't mind Sami scheming so much (it's what she does best and it's why those of us who love her, love her) I have to say that she really got on my last remaining nerve when she said "I never realized I would be losing Lucas to my sister." Well, yeah. You didn't want her with Austin so you could be with him and you knew her next logical choice was Lucas since he was the only other player of the "Carrie Lottery." I find the whole thing very . . .what's a good word? Repugnant. That's it. Repugnant. To have to brothers fighting over the same woman is kind of gross to me. Why would you want to make babies with your brother's ex-wife? Can anyone say "sloppy seconds?" And Austin has become really annoying. He is kind of belligerent and mean this time around, especially where Lucas and Sami are concerned. I don't ever remember Lucas and Austin being best buddies, but I don't remember there being quite this much venom between them when Austin left after his and Sami's last non-wedding. Then there is the way that Carrie told Lucas that her was her chosen one. Was it just me or did it seem like a business deal? "You gave me a job and a place to stay, so I guess I can bear your children. Would you like to set an appointment for Tuesday?"

Okay, I think I've done enough complaining for a moment, so let's talk about the stuff I liked this week. I loved John dressing up as a nun to get into the church catacombs. Like I said before, in my perfect world, he would blow Alex's head off, which would automatically trigger Marlena's memory and that would be that. I liked Celeste bitch-slapping Tek. That was one of the most enjoyable things to me this week. I like Celeste's kind of dime-store psychic bit and I really enjoy seeing her. And while I hate Kate, I have to say that I enjoyed the look of WTF on her face when Marlena said that she hadn't remembered anything about John, after she had just started remembering things. I even enjoyed Kate and Sami's argument at the reception, but only because I love when Alison Sweeney really lets loose with the barely controlled rage. I liked Frankie and Jen this week, but really only because I like Frankie so much. I don't really care for them together (I don't like Jen and Jack either actually), but I don't mind them so much because I think Billy Warlock's Frankie is just great.

I have a couple of questions though. What happened when Nicole arrived at Roman's hotel room half-naked? Did they or didn't they? Wouldn't it be funny if they brought Nicole (hopefully Arianne Zuker, but I will even settle for a recast for this) back later in the year, VERY pregnant with Sami's little brother or sister? I know Nicole is not supposed to be able to have kids after getting shot with that bullet meant for Victor, but stranger things are happening right now, so it's not that much of a stretch. And also, what is Abe going to do to Lexie when he finds out that not only is she cheating on him, but she is ruining everyone else's life because she is too much of a selfish idiot to tell the truth and face the music? Repeat after me. The Truth Always Comes Out.

So, my fellow scoopers, what will tomorrow bring us? Will Alex's mask finally split open so everyone can see that he is actually Satan? Will Philip finally get a clue and dump Belle after he finds out that she went all the way to Horton cabin to get Shawn instead of asking him for help? Will Mimi give Belle a Basic Black eye the next time she comes between her and Shawn? Only time, and our TV's will tell!

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