What's your name? Who's your daddy?

For the Week of December 20, 2004
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GH Two Scoops: What's your name? Who's your daddy?
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C'mon. Diego isn't bright enough to have figured out that mystery on his own -- I'm surprised he has enough brainpower to match his clothes.

C'mon. Diego isn't bright enough to have figured out that mystery on his own -- I'm surprised he has enough brainpower to match his clothes. Do they make Garanimals in his size? One of the first things they teach you in college writing classes is "Show, don't tell." So, when Diego says "Hey! I know! My sister is hiding something, and she wants me away from Lorenzo and if he's not dangerous to me, that must mean he's my Dad!" They broke that rule.

Diego told us because the writers knew Diego didn't have the acting chops to show us -- you know those subtle looks a good actor can pull say, "Hey! I just figured out that Lorenzo is my Daddy!" because you see them realize it. The guy is handsome, but he's wooden as an actor, and his character is a dope. Maria, on the other hand holds promise, if only to bust up the dreadful pairing of Lois and Lorenzo, who have zero chemistry. Diego doesn't have chemistry with anyone because he's a Stepford Soap Dude, some programmed soap-bot, a cute giant Pez Head with candy coming out of his face -- he bores me.

Equally dumb is Connor, who apparently shot himself, got tattooed, and had plastic surgery just to look like a Nik clone, and volunteers to get life without parole. Say again? Volunteer to get life without parole. How guilty would you have to feel to make that offer? Think about the worst thing you ever did, the thing you regret, that keeps you up nights -- would you ever let that guilt eat you up so much that you'd volunteer to go to prison for life? I mean, really.

Note that neither O.J. nor Scott Petersen volunteered for prison. Connor is as whacked as Mary was -- but in spite of everything, Mary and made me feel sympathy for her even when she was obviously insane. I have no emotional ties to Connor. Nikolas, on the other hand, I adore. In fact, Tyler Christopher is one of the most compelling actors GH has when they actually give him something of worth to play. Sadly, Connor Bishop isn't it. DeNiro couldn't pull off Connor convincingly, as the story is just too unbelievable.

Connor's big "Patty Duke" scheme is to go to prison in Nik's place, and then two years down the road say, "Hey! I'm not Nik! Ha ha!" and let the DNA spring him. Yeah, right. I bet guys in prison right now are putting ads in magazines, "Hey, does anyone out there look like me and have a guilty conscience? If so, I'll let you do my time to ease your mind! No fee!" That "Let's switch places!" thing didn't even work when Kathy wanted Patty to pretend to be her at the sock hop. Okay, I made that episode up. I don't remember a single thing about the Patty Duke show except that "Identical Cousins" theme song. But it sounds like something that might have happened.

Something else that might have happened -- the writer's might have found a more clever way to keep us in suspense than the tired old "Character knows vital info and is driving to spill said info but BOOM! Car Crash!" Skye knows Bobbie's a big, fat liar, and that Laura is alive, and now Luke won't know for another day or so because Skye's car crashed. (Zzzzz...) Probably into the same tree where Nik crashed, or maybe where Real-Gia ran the light after her champagne -- hard to say. Lucky will be glad to hear his mom's alive -- but he may be unemployed by the time he finds out, as cops frown on other cops switching body doubles for real criminals.

Speaking of real criminals, John Durant is also out of work right now, but fear not, a gig as Santa is right around the corner. Carly doesn't want anything to do with him, and even Ric gave him the brush-off. Maybe Bobbie will take him in and support him; she hasn't been laid for a really long time, and she doesn't strike me as the kind of girl who likes to sleep alone.

Courtney slept alone for a long time, but is making up for it now that she and Jax are officially an item. She agreed to spend Christmas with him, and while he may have visions of dancing sugarplums, instead he's going to spend Christmas with Courtney and some foster kids. Sweet, but sad. Here in my town, there are 8000 kids in foster care who need homes. No, I did not add an extra zero. Eight-thousand kids without a home or a family. It's good of GH to bring attention to the foster care dilemma (although Y&R has done it more thoroughly with Devon, if you happen to watch that soap, too.) I admire GH for reminding people that Christmas is a time of reaching out to others.

As you know, my dad died recently... This storyline struck a nerve. On Christmas, back when I was a teen -- he was a chaplain at a psychiatric hospital for kids -- kids who had substance abuse problems, or had been abused, or had attempted suicide, etc. On Christmas, my Dad, my friend Betsy, some dude with a guitar, and I would go to the hospital to do a church service for the kids. We took candy and presents. We hugged them. We smiled. It took an hour of our time. Some holidays, we were the only ones there.

These were kids with parents who just didn't bother showing up to see their sick kids on Christmas. When my dad died, some of those kids, who are now adults, wrote letters and talked about how my dad impacted their lives, just by showing up when no one else did. So, even though I think the dude who plays Diego is a weak actor -- I am thankful that GH and its writing staff are bringing characters onto the canvas that make us think about kids in Diego's situation. And that they'd take a character as self-absorbed as Jax and pair him with Courtney to let some of her compassion rub off on him. Let them inspire you. Make a little time to reach out to someone who has less than you do this Christmas.

Carly is reaching out to the next willing dude in line; Steven appears to be smitten with her. Of course, as soon Durant follows through on his blackmail and tells Carly that Steven came to town with Durant to bust Sonny, she'll most likely kill him in the morning. (Princess Bride/Dread Pirate Robert reference.) Or maybe she will wait to dump him until his ex-lover shows up in town with secrets to spill. Either way, that pair won't last long. Carly will be pairing up with Alcazar again soon, but not necessarily romantically.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Michael still believe elves are in his back yard when he's 14? Will Courtney run any more errands in her beaded evening gown? Will Brook Lynn's wrist break from all her bracelet bling? When we see Laura again, will her hair be brushed? Will Kristina finally utter words when Sonny weans her off the Quaaludes that Alexis was slipping her? Will all the wayward invisible children of Port Charles make it home for Christmas? Leslie Lu? Lucas? Cameron? Maxie? Will Sam remember how crappy it is to have to work for a living and come crawling back to Jason's generous "Live here free" plan? Will they remember it's Christmas and let Alan read the story of Jesus' birth at the hospital Christmas party, or has that become too offensive in our increasingly generic politically correct world?

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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