Hey, Mr. Craig - let them pee!

For the Week of February 12, 2007
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Hey, Mr. Craig - let them pee!
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I have a confession to make; I can't make it two hours without a potty break.

I have a confession to make; I can't make it two hours without a potty break. When we drive cross country, I have to keep finding nasty gas stations with creepy bathrooms in the middle of nowhere at 2 AM because I just can't wait anymore. But I ask you, isn't that particular condition even worse for an expectant mother? I have never given birth. I have two stepdaughters that I adore, but I've never been pregnant. To be quite honest, throughout my life, my maternal instincts have been spent on puppies, kittens, and friends who should be in 12-step or some other intensive psychotherapy instead of hanging around my house. Having never been pregnant, I may be wrong, but all of my friends who have been pregnant had to pee all the time, due to that whole "giant baby head pressing on your bladder" thing. So, how is it that Liz hasn't had to ask to peen the many hours she has been held hostage crouching on the hotel floor? Or maybe she is just peeing on the tile? Did I miss a scene where they passed out Depends?

In fact, no one has had to pee, or asked to pee, or even hinted around that they may need to use the restroom. I know people on soaps never pee, but it just seemed more glaring this week as we have seen them all trapped in the lobby for hours without use of a restroom... I kept watching and thinking to myself "I would have wet my pants by now."

Next question... Where is Super Spy ex-WSB agent Robert Scorpio? He's always lurking around and popping in to give Robin unwanted dating tips, but now that she is in actual trouble that might be helped by his expertise dealing with international thugs - when there is actual mayhem surrounding her - Robert has vanished. Is he too busy running the Haunted Star to drive across town when Robin actually needs him- bleeding to death in the hotel lobby? Or, did the Powers That Be cut him out of this as they would then have to pay him?

Robin's contaminated HIV blood is on just about everyone and everything on the lobby, as well as the throw pillows from the sofa in the room where Lulu wiped her hands. (That scene reminded me of the time my daughter Sarah wiped her hands on some decorative quilt in a diner in Wes Virginia to get even with them leaving egg shells in her scrambled eggs.) Robin's blood is all over Liz, Carly, Emily, Lulu, Nikolas - geez, I can't even recall who else had their hands in her innards - Sam too, I think. After Patrick talked Emily, Carly and Liz though surgery, Robin woke up in excruciating pain, as you can imagine being cut open with a tomato knife by a student doctor and sewn up with some old fishing line ripped out of the ceiling that was once holding a sign. Robin's only salvation was all the practice she had chugging down large quantities of alcohol. She drank enough to knock her out. See! I always knew it paid to be a lush.

I cannot skim over Jason Thompson's portrayal of Patrick this week; he has shown us his finest acting since appearing on GH - his fear and worry were so solid I could touch them with my hands. He has made Patrick's love, angst, feelings of frustration and helplessness so true and perfect we couldn't help but be moved by it. Bravo, Jason! I was also delighted to see Mac finally recognize that Patrick is indeed worthy of his niece. In fact, I was just happy to see Mac and hear his voice speaking actual lines of dialogue.

GH being blessed with great comedy writers, somehow managed to make an HIV/gunshot victim storyline have a funny side, too by having Carly snarl things in Robin's ear like "She's not going to die. Do you hear me, you self-righteous twit? I am not going to let everyone blame me for letting you bleed to death. Now, you suck it up and you live." Or yelling out things like,"I don't even like Robin -- and here I am covered with her contaminated blood!"

Last week, several of you wrote and told me I was too hard on Sonny. Well, maybe you were right; I am certainly feeling much more warmly toward him now. He redeemed himself this week - last week I was just so angry at him for lying to Carly to trick her into marrying him. I thought he just did it to get his way - I thought he just wanted to win against Jax, but it seems he actually has realized he loves Carly and believes they can pull it off this time, even though they have failed 4 times before. Is that possible?

Well, let's factor in that in their previous attempts at marriage, he was undiagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Now he has been diagnosed and is on meds, so maybe they really can make it? But here's the thing; I like Carly and Jax together, and I want their relationship to work out. But, it doesn't seem to be in the cards, at least this week. The connection that Sonny and Carly have- that innate need they have for one another can't be ignored even though it's unhealthy and complicated. Maurice Benard always brings it, and this week was no exception. Even though I knew his bruises and blood were purple magic marker and Karo syrup with red food coloring, I still winced when he got hit.

Laura Wright is a gem as Carly - fierce and tender, strong and scared, fearless and vulnerable - I loved when the Creepy Mr. Craig made her sow Robin up after surgery even though their were med students around - and she kept saying with every stitch "I hate this. I hate this. I hate this." But she kept stitching. Carly always does what must be done.

Sam on the other hand is a moron, doing things like taking on armed gunmen with a tomato knife, after trying unsuccessfully to get everyone's favorite tattooed priest Father Ruiz to do it for her. The scene in which Mr. Craig tells Sam about herself - he had it exactly right; "You're not like any of the other women, are you? They may be terrified, but there's nobility about them. They worry about others more than they worry about themselves. Poor girl's got a bullet wound. That one's ailing father. Even Mrs. Corinthos, she gets nasty and shows her teeth, but even that's to keep her husband and cousin alive. So who do you care about, Sweet Sam, other than yourself? You're the exception, and you know it. You'll do anything to save your own skin. I can certainly empathize with that. I am always my own priority."

Sam's knight in shining leather Jason and emerging "I'm a lover not a fighter" hero Spinelli are on their way in to try to rescue Sweet Sam and Screw You Lulu. Good thing for them Mike had that hotel map right there handy and all. Spinelli's sweet insistence on going in with Jason was touching and funny and precious. I adore this kid. For a minute, I was afraid Jason wasn't going to get to the Metro Court at all, since Ric took time out from hostage negotiations to drive across town to the coffee warehouse harass Jason for apparently NO reason, waving some warrant he never intended to use. What was that all about? What did Ric say to the mayor and all the cops when he drove away from the hotel? "Hey guys, I have to run to Sonnybucks and get me a cuppa Joe before I can talk to this madman again?"

Luke and Lucky have also managed to find their way in; I just hope the good guys don't accidentally shoot one another. While Luke and Lucky play hero, Scott and Tracy are on the sidewalk cutting deals about how to keep Luke and the back of Laura's head from getting together again if ever she should find another magic pill. Dillon is itching to be part of the rescue, but was left alone and forlorn on the sidewalk with his magnificent hair, and the realization that Lulu means more to him than he realized.

Next? Skye... Let me say this right up front... I love Robin Christopher, and I think she's a fine actress and a beautiful woman. I think nothing but good thoughts about her - HOWEVER, what in the heck have the writers done to Skye??? Skye broke up with Luke because of his dangerous and unpredictable life. She left Lorenzo and hid away from him for her entire pregnancy because she wanted to keep her baby safe from his dangerous and criminal lifestyle. Now, her family is being held hostage by armed madmen and her baby is with a nanny somewhere without adequate security, and Skye is defending Lorenzo and saying "I have a new family now! He's the father of my baby!"

Oh, so since you had a baby you don't mind if you family gets killed? You know the ones who took you in and let you live in their mansion for free and housed, fed, and loved you even though it turned out you weren't related to them after all? We're back to that word Loyalty again. Ms. Christopher is doing a stellar job acting out the scenes they have written for her, I am merely protesting the personality transplant the writers have given her. I understand she loves Lorenzo, really, how could you not love Ted King, he's a honey - but the Skye I know and love would be combing through Lorenzo's house right now looking for anything that said "767XXX" on it.

Alan Quartermaine, I love you. It's more than a little bit troubling to me that not only did TPTB axe Stuart Damon, but are having him do his death scenes in a place where he can't even have final moments, flashbacks, or goodbyes with Monica, Tracy, and Edward. Emily has to choose to send her Dad out, or Liz, and if she chooses Liz and Stuart Damon's 30 years of wonderful work aren't honored by allowing him to have the Big Scenes, it will be criminal.

I will never understand the things that roll around in the heads of the decision makers at GH. I site this example all the time, and I'm going to do it again with the faint hope someone will hear me. The highest rates soap on TV has older characters with storylines- for instance; Jeanne Cooper is 79 years old and still in front burner storylines on the Young and the Restless. If you have legacy characters AND new characters, both working together -you KEEP older viewers, and you KEEP younger viewers. When you ditch all your legacy characters and only have teenagers on the show, you LOSE your older viewers and your ratings go down, which is exactly what you do NOT want to happen, right?

Certainly I know TV is a business, I lived in a neighborhood where my neighbors house blew up while I was walking down the beach one day as they got paid to let some TV show blow it up - I know it's all about the money. But there is such a thing as talking to your actors and saying "Hey Stuart, you've been with us for 30 years, and you're valuable to us, but we budget constraints. We want you to stay on, but we're only going to be able to use you X# of times a year, and we can only pay you X# of $. Give HIM the chance to say yes or no. Don't just go to a guy who is beloved by fans and a faithful veteran of your show and say "Um yeah, you cost too much, we're killing you off." Unforgivable.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Maxie skank her way into the thug in the vault's heart and get him to switch sides? Will Baby's Breath Elizabeth drink another bottle of water and then tinkle all over her new party dress? Will Father Ruiz's hair do that Chia Pet thing and grow 4 more inches in the next 6 hours? Will Spinelli get rewarded in weed and BBQ chips for his acts of bravery? Will Robin wake up with a killer hangover and blame Carly? Will the back of Lorenzo's head end up in a rocking chair with Laura at Ferncliff unable to remember Skye and baby Lila Rae?

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