Not the one talking to a chair

For the Week of April 9, 2007
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 Not the one talking to a chair
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Dillon: I'm not the one talking to a chair.

Tracy: Dillon, are you insane?

Dillon: I'm not the one talking to a chair.

Alan: Taking advantage of his mother's unstable behavior in order to get permission to date his own stepsister? You must be so proud.

This 3 line interchange made me laugh last week, I hope it amuses you, too. I got a note from a reader last week that said "My two favorite characters right now are Alan's ghost and Spinelli." And frankly, I concur. I hope Alan is haunting the Q's for many years to come. Being a ghost is giving Stuart Damon a real chance to have fun and be playful - a side of Alan we hadn't seen in quite awhile, instead he was normally being stern or appalled or angry or jealous. But watching Alan gleefully torment Tracy is great comedy.

The comedy is a welcome relief to free our minds of the stupidity of the other plots. First and foremost is the Mr. Craig debacle. Okay, let's recap... Mr. Craig has injected Nikolas with some poison and Nik must cooperate with his schemes in order to get doses of the antidote doled out to him. So far, so good. But here's where it all falls apart. Enter Robin. Mr. Craig insists Robin be part of this plan, too - but he lets her come and go as she pleases. He's not monitoring her phone calls; he can't guard her at GH and guard Nik at Wyndemere at the same time. So one of them is always unattended...

Um, does anyone besides me remember that Robin's parents are both WSB agents who have made a living as International Super Spies and finding cures to deadly viruses is one of their specialties? Why on EARTH hasn't Robin called Robert to have him work on this on the sly? How would Mr. Craig find out? Of course, like all the residents of Port Charles, she is extraordinarily stupid as she has conversations out loud within his ear shot like "Hey, Anonymous Lab Tech, did you get that blood work in yet on that mystery ailment I had you testing?" Why would she talk about that on the phone in the room with the kidnapper? But never thinks to call for help when she is at the hospital unattended...

This whole storyline is just frustrating me. If I spent the whole week saying "Why isn't Robin telling her parents the secret agents about this?" chances are you're asking yourselves the same questions. So, why aren't the writers asking themselves that? All soaps require a suspension of disbelief and those of you who read my column regularly know I thoroughly enjoy poking holes in flimsy plots - but the holes in this plot are so large, you could drive a Hummer through them. Maybe Emily's suspicions will get the best of her, and she will sneak in through Helena's bat cave and see Mr. Craig and figure it out. Let's I hope it's soon.

On another level, this plot has a side story that's intriguing - Alexis and Mr. Craig. We have learned that James Craig had enough human decency to help Alexis back inside when she passed out in Nikolas' bushes helping Kristina pick flowers. Which is comical as I have friends back East and it's still 20 degrees and snowing. The Cleveland Indians home opener was called because of a blizzard; it was snowing so hard they couldn't see the white baseball through the white snow. I seriously doubt fields of wildflowers are in full bloom in upstate New York right now. Just a hunch.

Back to Alexis and Mr. Craig... Any chance the writer's will continue heading in this direction? These two seem to have some attraction building. Now that would be juicy - Alexis falls for James only to find he was the one who held everyone hostage and nearly killed Nikolas, but he actually falls for her and decides to become a good guy. Yeah, I know, I'm a dreamer. I still believe that love can change people for the better.

But then there's Maxie. She doesn't really do love, she only does lust. Maxie slept with Thing 1, and Thing 2 busted in the door and punched him. Yes, I know they have names; I just don't care about them and don't want to make it seem as if they matter by using their names.

Port Charles version of the Three Stooges, Milo, Dillon and Spinelli, were sitting around plotting ways to keep Thing 2 from hanging out with Lulu. Cute, but it was Spinelli alone this week that showed true heart in his "Don't give up your baby" talk with Jason. If only Lulu had witnessed that side of him, we may not have another lap of the 3 man race.

Bradford Anderson who plays Spinelli is ABC's best find in eons. The kid can act. Daytime is full of pretty boys who area appealing to the eye but can't deliver the goods when it comes to acting the big dramatic scenes. But Anderson delivers every time. Comedy, drama, he can hit anything they pitch to him. When Lulu (played by the also fabulous Julie Marie Berman) sent Spinelli to talk sense into Jason, the results were gold. He uttered this speech with vulnerability and tenderness; it made my heart break with every word he uttered. He's such a dork, but an utterly charming and totally lovable dork, for certain.

Spinelli: "If I may respectfully disagree, it is. I'm your partner. I -- I mean, I was in -- in the whole hostage crisis. I mean, I -- you know, I felt like we really developed a whole, you know, fighter pilot-wingman thing. And I like you. You're like the -- uh -- the big brother I never had. And -- and it kills me to see you in this turmoil. Look -- look, I know -- I know that Elizabeth asked you to give up the baby and I know why you did. But, look, the decision is killing you. And it's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair to you, and it's not -- it's not fair to that kid, ok? Because they're going to be missing out on the world's most awesome dad. I mean, you -- you would actually be involved in the kid's life. You would read to him, and you would -- you would play ball with him -- or dolls with her. You would tell that kid the truth, you would. And that's - that's more than most kids get. Look -- look, I'm speaking from experience. My family -- you know, they had a lot of secrets, and it is not cool to find out that the people you've been counting on your whole life had been lying to you from square one. Ok, that baby, Elizabeth's baby, is going to find out the truth someday, and that kid -- that kid is going to believe that the coolest dad around didn't want them. Now, can you honestly look me in the eye and say that you're ok with that?"

Beautifully written, and brilliantly acted.

That was so good it almost made up for all the pointless scenes with Sam and Amelia which has my Tivo Fast Forward finger developing blisters. ZZZZZZZ.

Okay, we got the big reveal - Sam has been married to a plethora of rich guys under fake identities and swindled them out of their money. I suppose I should be gasping for breath at the shock of it all, but....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I still don't care anything at all about this storyline. I hope the Everyday Heroes show goes on tour and doesn't come back until... ever.

Someone needs to whip Michael's backside. The kid has been a terror for years. Running away, ordering thugs to drive him around town, and now locking his parents in the basement to keep Carly from going out with Jax. Okay, I know the last time Michael got counseling it didn't go so well and his therapist brainwashed him into thinking he killed AJ, but maybe Sonny should take him to see Lainey. The kid obviously needs professional help in setting boundaries. If I were Carly and my kid kept me from a date with Jax, I would ship him off to military school.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Luke find out Scotty threatened Lulu and call for a rumble? Will Lorenzo grow weary of pretending to be Rainman and take his business back from Skye? Will the doctors ever test Liz to see why her baby keeps changing sizes from 5 pounds one day but only 4 ounces the next? Will Patrick ever think to ask out someone at GH who isn't one of Robin's loyal friends if he wants to date someone new? Will our new militant Stan be able to start a revolution and be employed by Sonny simultaneously? Will I vomit if I ever hear Carly utter the phrase "Sonny and I can't be together..." again?

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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