It's a nice day for a... white wedding

For the Week of April 30, 2007
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It's a nice day for a white wedding
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Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, our tortured lovers Jax and Carly finally made it to the altar.

Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, our tortured lovers Jax and Carly finally made it to the altar. No one objected. No one interrupted their wedding with machine guns. (More on that topic later...) No one blurted anything out when the Pastor asked for comments. Who'd have imagined such a thing was possible?

Mind you, their nuptials were not without drama. First, Jerry Jacks, a.k.a Mr. Craig, was in attendance, albeit lurking in the bushes. This turn of events bothers me on *so* many levels... Let's begin ripping it apart with the glaringly obvious reason... If you sat me down with two men, one of whom was British and one of whom was Australian, I could pick out which accent was which.

How is it that Jax isn't curious about why Jerry is speaking with a British accent? In all their phone conversations, Jerry hasn't dropped a single Crikey, or G'day Mate, or Shrimp on the Barbie, or Vegemite, or anything. If I notice that, why doesn't his own brother? This is like the Bizarro World Speed Racer Syndrome. Speed Racer's brother was named Rex, but was undercover as Racer X. (Rex, Racer X??? C'mon Speed!) Even though Racer X looked EXACTLTY like Rex, but with a little mask over his eyes, Speed couldn't tell it was his brother. On the other end of this Bizarro world, Jax is talking daily to someone claiming to be Jerry but doesn't have Jerry's voice or accent and yet he never questions this. *I* could call Jax and say I was Jerry, and apparently it would never dawn on him to ask why I was a woman now.

The first Jerry Jacks was played by the charming Julian Stone. He had dark eyes and dark hair and was a bit taller than Sebastian Roche. Mr. Roche is blonde and blue eyed. We did hear Mr. Craig say "I'm already on my second face." implying he's had plastic surgery to make him look like another man. Maybe he has colored contacts to make his eyes blue. So far I'm with them. But he didn't SHRINK and become British. That's when they lost me.

But on the upside, Sebastian Roche's take on Mr. Craig/Jerry/5 other aliases is brilliant. He's doing a fine job acting out what's been written for him. He's both devious and vulnerable, and he's growing on me. Perhaps those of you who weren't around for Jerry's first GH run won't be bothered by the discrepancies as you only know about them from others comments. I am both blessed and burdened by an incredible memory, so when I see Revisionist History onscreen, I can spot it instantly. I haven't spent 30 years learning all this soap trivia for nothing.

My other big problem with this storyline is Jerry's character. Jerry was a screw up who routinely got into trouble. He was mixed up with the mob, and Jax was forever trying to bail him out of one debacle after another. But - he was not a cruel and violent man. He was a nice guy with a penchant for criminal dealings and get rich quick schemes, not a menace to society.

The old Jerry was in love with Bobbie. Did he see her at the wedding or even recognize her? If so, I didn't notice it. Jerry 2.0, the upgrade, has a few bugs that need working out. Jerry 2.0 is an upgraded version who is psychotic and cruel and enjoys torturing people - a real sicko. We saw Jerry's heart in the past, it was a genuine heart, flesh and blood capable of love - but now it seems to have hardened into stone. There are flashes of it, like he fact that he is risking being spotted at Jax's wedding just so he can be there, or the sad look he gets in his eyes when he speaks to his mother. But I still can't reconcile the evil, heartless guy that shot Robin for kicks and left Alan to die writhing around with a heart attack in some hotel suite with the troubled but lovable Jerry Jacks of old.

Of course, his jig is nearly up now that Patrick, Emily, Nikolas and Robin are all on to him. One of them is bound to mess up since the supposedly estranged duos can't keep their hands off one another and keep finding closets and bushes to hide away and mack.

Back to the wedding. Or even better, the rehearsal. Damian Spinelli sliding into the scene wearing a suit and slicked back hair acting as a stand-in for Jason was inspired and hysterical. I laughed so much I had to pause my Tivo several times so I didn't miss the next line. Bradford Anderson is the best thing to happen to Daytime TV in ages. He's funny, fresh and can also play such angst and tenderness it makes me want to adopt him. But I can't give Anderson all the credit, as the writers who are writing for him are giving him lines to speak which are surely the envy of all other soap writers in the galaxy. They just wish they had a character as unique as Spinelli to write for.

While I admit that I'm growing quite weary of the 3 Stooges all vying for Lulu, I never weary of Spinelli. (Hey~ I just realized, I have less the 6 degrees of separation from him. He guest starred on Veronica Mars, and I have a friend who's in the cast of Veronica Mars, so I know someone who has worked with Bradford. I just got stupidly happy over this.) As to the other 2 Stooges, I wish Dillon would quit mooning over Lulu and get back to his soul mate Georgie, and I wish Milo would go back to guarding Sonny's door and just be quiet.

I also want Amelia to be quiet, but I fear she's going to keep flapping her jaw. I am confused after Friday's episode... As I understood it, Sonny cracked open a bottle of booze and called for a hooker and then...Amelia showed up? So is she a hooker or does she run a call girl operation on the side, or did she knock the hooker out on the way up the stairs because she's hot for Sonny and wants a shot of his magical sperm that impregnates everyone he sleeps with? And what happened to the old Amelia? They look similar, but one has a thing on her face and one doesn't. (My husband's favorite line in Uncle Buck is when John Candy says "Here's a quarter...go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face..." to the principal who is messing with his niece. I thought about it when I saw New Amelia...) I hope this isn't like the Merry Go Round of Lydia's. Pick an Amelia and stick with her. As to why she showed up at Sonny's door, I guess I will have to wait until Monday for an explanation.

Amelia seemed a little unnerved by Sam gunning down a thug in the studio and killing him, but not enough to fire her.... More gunfire... this brings me back to last week's discussion on guns in the media. I was taken aback by the volume of mail I received and the wide range of opinions that were expressed. Some people agreed with what I said. Some didn't. As to me, I can see why this is such a sticky issue as I don't even agree with myself from minute to minute.

We are each an accumulation of our past experiences. Everything we see and the way we respond to it comes through the filter of our own life. For instance, I saw Alec Baldwin on The View this week speaking about his custody battle and the infamous voice mail message he left for his daughter. He said he got feedback from people that fell into two distinct categories; People who had been the victims of child abuse in their past berating him for the way he spoke to his daughter, and on the opposite side, he heard from men who had been the victims of parental alienation and had been denied access to their kids and understood why he blew up in the first place.

We look at news and world events and all manner of things through the lens of our own personal history. We each have a unique viewpoint that is built upon what we've seen and experienced. This is certainly true for me. I saw the news last week about the Virginia Tech shootings, and it broke my heart. But I didn't just think about those particular people and their particular tragedy. I thought about my own daughter who lost a friend to gun violence when she was 14. For months she woke up screaming at night with nightmares. I'd go into her room and hold her as she sobbed. I would stroke her hair and take her and tell her it would be okay, but we both knew I was lying. It wasn't okay. She was utterly traumatized by that event; it changed her.

When I saw the news this week, I thought about all those kids and how it would affect their entire lives. They didn't merely have a bad day; they were thrown into some new reality, an alternate reality, an ugly world where people die in their classrooms. There were shocking sights and sounds that they will never forget. They lost friends who will never come back. I was angry that it happened. I wanted someone or something to blame. Right after the newsbreak, GH came on. Now we know, dear readers, that GH is filmed weeks in advance. They had no idea their show would air during a week of a school shooting. But I got wound up and wrote an emotional piece because I am a human being with a past and that past played into my writing.

Am I advocating censorship? Heavens no. I'm a big fan of the 1st Amendment. I'd be lying if I said I never see violent films. I was first in line to see Pulp Fiction when it premiered. Was it too bloody for me? Yep. I covered my eyes in some of the more graphic scenes. But was it a great film full of brilliant dialogue? Yes it was. Would I want anyone to sensor the Tarantino's or Scorcese's of the film world, or the GH writers who dreamed up Sonny and Jason? Never.

What I do hope for however, is a more responsible media who monitors content and alerts viewers to upcoming violence so viewers can make informed decisions. I have friends who watch GH with their kids. Most days that's fine. But would it be appropriate for ABC to air a disclaimer on days when mob battles will be aired like, "Today's episode contains violence, parental discretion is advised."? This way parents can choose to keep their children from seeing Robin's guts splattering around the lobby of the Metro Court, or Lorenzo shooting one of his associates at point blank range and dropping him like a deer in hunting season.

When I wrote column last week, it was an emotional reaction to a real life tragedy. Many of you responded with emotional responses of your own. The best thing to come of this is that we have opened up a dialogue. Talking about issues honestly and openly is always a good thing. Perhaps someone in the industry will hear our words and it will open a dialogue for them, too. It's a multi dimensional issue for certain. no doubt. My special thanks to Nancy Platt Jacoby who helped me talk all of this out and make sense of the jumble of thoughts in my own messy mind. : Her insights were invaluable to me.

Now, a plea to ABC. Please hire Wally Kurth back as a contract player. Jax needs a best friend. Monica needs a confidant with a soul in the Q house. Dillon needs a big brother. Alexis needs a love interest without any secret agendas. Ned fits the bill on all counts. He pops up from time to time at weddings and funerals, but Kurth is worth more than that. He has chemistry with everyone. That's a rarity.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Liz glare a hole through Jason's head with her intense longing? Will Sam dump Jason for Spinelli if her P.R. people tell her that dating a geek looks better than dating a criminal? Will Maxie ever actually work at her job instead of milling around the lobby flirting with the security guards? Will Robin decide she kind of digs kissing Nikolas and fantasize about him when she's with Patrick? Will Alfred snap and poison Mr. Craig's mint tea at breakfast?

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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