Unfrozen caveman lawyer

For the Week of April 22, 2013
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GH Two Scoops: Unfrozen caveman lawyer
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Thawed! Stavros' Ice Princess melted and was greeted by a doting family that she can't recall. Will the familiar sites of Port Charles cure her brain freeze? We'll weigh in on Emme Rylan's first days. Get ready for this week's Two Scoops -- it's a real Lulu.

Back in the 90s, Saturday Night Live had a ridiculous character simply called "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" who was supposedly thawed out and went to law school, and his tagline was always something like, "I'm just a caveman, your Honor...your world frightens and confuses me!"

When NuLulu was thawed out of her 215 below zero cryogenic deep-freeze this week, by the sheer power of thin blankets and hugs, I was reminded of these old SNL skits. "I've never seen any of you people before in my life!" she said, which was hilarious because, of course, it's a whole new Lulu who actually has not seen any of those people before in her life.

As a rule, I'm no fan of recasts. I like the original versions of most characters better than any subsequent versions. This isn't always true, of course. I actually loved three out of four versions of Carly. But that third one between Tamara Braun and Laura Wright -- I did not love her.

But I digress. In this particular instance, I am okay with a recast Lulu. Julie Marie Berman decided on her own that she wanted to leave GH. She was not fired or forced out -- it was a move she opted to make of her own free will. ABC cannot be blamed for that, they can only respond to that, and in response, they picked an amazing and talented young lady to fill Lulu's shoes, and I'm predisposed to love her as Lulu because I loved her on Y&R as Abby. She can act. She can emote. She can do comedy and drama with equal ease. This should be good.

Of course, right now, she has been brainwashed and thinks she is Stavros' wife and doesn't know Dante or her parents, so it might be awhile before we get our happy ending.

As to her chilly husband Stavros, I absolutely do not believe that he is actually dead -- he's been frozen and thawed out before, and I have no reason not to believe he will be thawed out again.

The only time someone is truly dead on a soap is if the actor dies, as in Lila and Edward Quartermaine. Those characters are dead because their portrayers are dead, but note that Alan, Emily, and Rick were all back for a ghostly visit just two weeks ago, though their characters were killed off years ago.

I thought for sure Sonny would kill Brenda this week, but apparently his bipolar meds have his emotions under control and he's seemingly taking it in stride that the love of his life slept with his son. Or did she? At the end of Thursday's show, she told Michael she had a confession to make, and since we didn't get Friday's show yet, we don't know what that confession was, but I predict it's that they did not sleep together and she was just messing with Carly's mind.

Carly has had a rough week, as has Sonny -- and seeing the two of them commiserating on the sofa, holding hands, I am wondering how long it will be until they sleep together again? This is, after all, the couple who had grief sex in a limo after their son had been shot in the head, so...you never know what might trigger their lust.

Kate/Connie, now formally and henceforth known only as Connie, an integrated complete personality, decided she had to dump Sonny for her mental health. I get that -- I had to dump my college fiancé for my mental health after he knocked up another girl while we were engaged. Sometimes it's the only solution to maintain your sanity.

However, I predict if Sonny takes up with Carly or Brenda or anyone and Connie sees Sonny canoodling with another woman, she might have to go old school Connie and emerge to stake her claim for the big scary love of Bensonhurst past.

Connie is back at the helm of Crimson, since Todd and the Sun have fled town for Llanview (and a 25 Million Dollar lawsuit, which you can read about here . Let's see if the public will still buy a magazine from a slightly less snooty version of Kate Howard with a new name. Can you imagine if Gloria Steinem came out today and said, "My name is now Betsy Labradoodle, and my alternate personality has been running Ms. all these years."??? Ha.

John McBain has also been banished, but ABC might get Michael Easton back as Caleb Morley, or Stephen Clay, or an entirely new character who just looks like the other three, and it can't happen soon enough, since his ladylove Sam/Livvie has temporarily adopted a teenage boy. Rafe had nowhere to go, and the judge refused to let him live with Lucy just because she thinks she is a vampire slayer, but agreed to let him live with mob moll Sam who has a long and shady criminal past. Toss in a computer hacker pseudo-Uncle Spinelli and mob-connected Grandma Alexis, and you've got a really inspired family for the boy.

Here's my problem with taking the actors and turning them into new characters -- I'm really, really invested in the old characters. I've been watching Roger Howarth on One Life to Live since he was a rapist frat boy having his way with Marty, and I stopped watching OLTL when Howarth left and started watching again when he came back. I love the actor for certain, but I love the character he played.

On GH, they once had Tony Geary playing Bill Spencer, and it was...dreadful. I kept looking for glimpses of Luke in Bill and went away disappointed when I didn't find them. Not that Tony Geary was acting badly; he was not. But he wasn't Luke, and Luke was what I wanted, so it fell flat for me. I fear the same will happen with a Todd who isn't Todd, or a John who isn't John, or a Starr who isn't Starr. We know those characters really well, and I'm not sure how it will play to have them in new roles. I will reserve my judgment until it happens, but I confess I am not enthused about the prospect.

I'm also not excited about the prospect of nine months of Britt tormenting Patrick with her evil spawn. Can't she just go visit the Quartermaines and tumble down the spiral staircase like other women before her have done?

Poor Sabrina, all dolled up and nowhere to go -- Patrick and Sabrina didn't even get to seal the deal on their relationship before Britt ruined it, and that makes me kind of angry. We waited for a really, really long time for the payoff of Sabrina's swanlike makeover, and I wish we had gotten one night of unbridled passion before it all went to hell.

Speaking of hell, Spinelli braved the flames and went to see resident lunatic Heather Webber to gain valuable information for A.J. about the missing Quartermaine heir, creepy Franco's daughter. That can only mean trouble. Imagine what the child of Franco might be like? Yikes. Yeah, by all means, dig her up and bring her to town. Since Anthony is dead (and dealing cards over in Genoa City), and Helena and Franco are dead, and Faison is in the slammer, and the Balkan is dead, and Lisa Niles is history, and the Five Families and the Lopez brothers are gone -- we are running dangerously low on evil arch villains!

Tracy has been going around town, putting up possibly the worst-designed posters in the history of advertising, and A.J. has barred her from using the name Pickle-Lila, so apparently there's going to be a condiment war amongst the Q's. The thought of that makes my fast-forward finger twitchy.

I'm far more interested in the war for Elizabeth between A.J. and Prince Nikolas. Although Nikolas claims the thought of Elizabeth doesn't appeal to him, he sure did hug her for a really, really long time. (Yes, that is envy you hear in my voice.)

If I had to pick right now, I'd pick Nikolas, but before he got there, I liked the idea of her with A.J., so in truth, I am just as fickle as she is.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Scotty make out with Bobbie's giant lips again just as Laura arrives home? Will unfrozen NuLulu apply for a job with NuConnie at NuCrimson since the Haunted Star has sailed away, and she wouldn't remember it anyway? Will Ellie tell Spinelli about Maxie's Belly? Will the Forrester clan from The Bold and the Beautiful make Michael and Brenda honorary family members, since they are following their time-honored tradition of intergenerational familial banging? Will Mac ask Luke to get him a hunk of the Ice Princess for Felicia's engagement ring? Will T.J. randomly stop by Sam's every day to see if Molly is there flirting with Rafe? Will Anna's head explode when she finds out Emma's new brother or sister hails from the Faison gene pool?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in as long as there are tomorrows.

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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