Happy New Year, my dear readers. I hope 2014 has started out magnificently for you and yours.
Unfortunately, this hasn't been the case for our fictional friends in Port Charles.
Sabrina peed on a stick, and it was confirmed that she is with child. What is not confirmed is how she got that child, because on General Hospital, you can get pregnant in a hundred different ways. Maybe the baby is Patrick's, though he swears they used protection. (Those lousy Enduro Condoms again?) Maybe the baby is Carlos' -- after all, she did wake up naked in his bed after a bender. He assured her that they didn't have sex, but do we believe him? Not I, said the fly. He was just a little too willing "to raise another man's baby." (Because he suspects it's his.)
Maybe the Britch and Dr. Obrecht impregnated Sabrina with one of Lulu and Dante's missing embryos in her sleep one night. Maybe Casey from Lumina impregnated her with Star Child. Maybe she has D.I.D., and her split personality slept with Nathan West. (And really, could you blame her?)
In Port Charles, you just never know, and that's why I am proudly launching into my 37th year of GH viewing. It entertains me, and it's my "not-even-a-little-guilty" pleasure.
The new year isn't starting off well for Carly, either, as the back-from-the-undead Heather (still covered in the dirt she dug herself out from in Franco's visions), has her chained to the floor in the Quartermaine boathouse. As many bad things as have happened in that boathouse, don't you think the Q's would have burned it to the ground by now and put in a pool?
Readers, I know you will think I am mental, but riddle me this: if someone ties your tongue down with a K-Mart bandana, doesn't sound still come out of your mouth? Yes, it does. I know because I tried it to make sure. While Carly might have only been able to yell "Hep" instead of "Help," she could have made loud sounds with her mouth while A.J. and Monica were right on the other side of the door, right? I guess kicking a cooler was one option, but I would have grunted loudly, too, for some added sound.
So, who will save her? A.J.? Franco? Morgan? Michael? Sonny? Who knows, but I hope it happens fast because I am already tired of seeing Heather's giant knife bobbing in and out of her purse. Will they ever build a mental hospital capable of containing that woman? History says no -- she's been escaping for decades.
Readers, do you recall the time when GH was ALL mob all the time and I was calling the show General Mobspital? Yesterday on Soap Central Live, a caller said she is enjoying the mob stuff now and I agreed with her. There is more balance on the show now, it's not the complete focus of the show but one of many swirling plots, which is how I like my soaps -- it helps my ADD brain stay interested. I like the Jerome/Corinthos mob war thus far, and all the players are complex characters -- vulnerable and harsh, giving and power-hungry, loving and lethal, and I want to see more.
Rumor has it that William Shatner might be stopping by for a visit, and we know that Shirley Jones is also coming to town. My hope? Oh please, let them be Grandma and Grandpa mob boss to the Jerome Family Crime Ring? That would be stellar.
We also have another Cassadine coming to town -- Victor played by the debonair Thaao Penghlis -- last seen decades ago, largely forgotten, but still out there lurking like all good soap villains. I can hardly wait to see him and how he will fit into the current landscape of Port Charles. Maybe he'll be able to explain where Laura's been since she went for a medical checkup six months ago and never returned. I predict that the first scene between Victor and Luke will be popcorn-worthy material.
Readers, I celebrated my 25th anniversary last year, but I'm not dead, and thus I have noticed that Detective Nathan West is pretty. I like looking at him. If I were Maxie, I would have never "Eaten, Prayed, or Loved" outside of my apartment if he were living across the hall. I have a hunch he might be a cop who actually can close a case in Port Charles, which hasn't happened in eons. I can hardly wait for Maxie to return. Spinelli is gone, so Nathan will be a riveting distraction.
Side note: Congratulations to the Storms/Barash family on their beautiful new baby! You can check out the first photo by clicking here.
2014 isn't starting out very well for A.J., either. He's off the wagon and accused of a murder he can't recall if he committed, and he has seemingly lost the affection of the fair Elizabeth. Where is Elizabeth, anyway? Does Heather have her tied up someplace, too? I've barely laid eyes on her for weeks now.
One of my wishes for GH for 2014 is that Dante gets a less neurotic wife or that Lulu schedules sessions with Kevin for some intensive therapy. Maybe when Stavros froze her, he jumbled her brain for good, because ever since she thawed out, she's been pretty crazy. I like Emme Rylan a lot, but I confess I preferred her as Abby on The Young and the Restless and preferred Julie Marie Berman as Lulu. Why do people have to up and quit all the time? Geez.
I feel like this storyline would have had a bit more power behind it with the rich history of friendship between Kirsten Storms's Maxie and Julie Marie's Lulu, but I realize that is not the hand the writers were dealt. It all just fell a little flat for me because when Lulu and Maxie tore into one another in court, we had barely even seen those two actors together in a scene together before. Again, I say this is no reflection on my respect for Emme Rylan -- I adore her. I have just never been a fan of the merry-go-round of recasts that happen in Daytime. I get dizzy.
The vow renewal of Robin and Patrick with little Emma officiating was adorable -- a sweet scene to remind us of their family dynamic. But now that Sabrina is pregnant, and Patrick wants more kids, will this pull them apart? My problem has always been that Robin as a character is not my cup of tea, and it's hard for me to root for her because she's not someone I would want to be friends with. She's a little too harsh and bossy and judge-y for my taste. But I rooted for her to get free from captivity, so that's something. Robin is probably better suited as a partner for A.J. -- she could boss him into going to A.A. and Relish Anonymous meetings.
I feel like we missed a lot of scenes between Robin and Patrick...so imagine you thought your wife was dead for two years and then one day she walks in and you find out she had been held hostage all that time... Wouldn't you have conversations about that? "Oh my gosh, honey -- that must have been awful! What happened next?" but we haven't been privy to any of that. And I would think Robin wouldn't just drift casually back into her normal routine, without a care in the world, either. I would be changing the locks on my doors, buying a Rottweiler, hiring Milo to protect me, and seeking therapy, as I'd be terrified of being kidnapped again. But Robin seems fine, and that seems wrong.
It also seems wrong that Ava is mooning over Morgan. I mean, really, was she in love with him? I thought she just enjoyed having a warm body in her bed -- it's not as if we ever saw them conversing about their common interests or worldviews or connecting on anything but a sexual level. But now that he is pretending to dump her to spy on Sonny for Julian, she's acting like a lovesick schoolgirl. Ugh.
What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will T.J. and Molly go on the run to Uncle Sonny's casino on "the island"? Will Rafe grow fangs and turn into a vampire to make Molly his eternal soul mate? Will Christina ever come home and help out her crazy siblings, since their parents are otherwise occupied? Will Jax hear that Morgan is caught up in the mob and come back to rescue him? Will Alice go to the boathouse to "find the raccoons" and beat Heather with a canoe paddle? Will anyone notice that no one is watching Josslyn? Will Ava notice cougar cub Rafe looking lonely and go in for the kill?
Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.
To read Tamilu's column for the Best and Worst of General Hospital 2013, click here.
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