I know that butt from somewhere...

For the Week of March 16, 2015
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GH Two Scoops: I know that butt from somewhere...
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Can you recognize your best friend just from their back end? If not, memorize their derriere right now in case they lose their memory someday! We discuss this and other phenomena in this week's Two Scoops.

So, Spinelli, only seeing Jason's behind, yelled out, "Stone Cold!" I mean, really, who recognizes their friends by their butts? I guess I shouldn't complain because I want Jason to finally be reunited with his own life again, and if Spinelli's weird butt recognition radar is the way to make that happen, I am totally okay with it. You'd think if Jason's best friend made this declaration, it might make Sam look at Jake's butt and say, "He's right, Jason's butt was just like that!" Think about it... Jake Doe doesn't remember who he is. Jason's body was never found. They have the same butt. C'mon, Sam, you're a P.I. Put the clues together and solve the mystery!

Spinelli is the first person in Port Charles to have an inkling that Jake seems like Jason, and for that I applaud him. It's interesting that Jake Doe's only friends in Port Charles also happen to be Jason's friends. Also, it's somewhat comical that Sonny and Ric, who have never agreed on anything, both dislike Jake due to the fact that both of their babes are totally smitten with him. Spinelli is onto something, but no one is taking his hunch seriously.

But in general, something is off about Damien Spinelli since he returned. He has gotten very manipulative and slightly creepy. He's scheming, and that's just so unlike him. The thing we loved about Spinelli was his pureness of heart and the innocence of his character, and he's lost a bit of that. What the heck did Ellie do to him up in Portland anyway?

When he first came back, I was torn between wanting Maxie with him or Nathan, and now my fickle pendulum has swung back in Nathan's direction because Spinelli isn't the guy I remember, and I'm finding it harder to root for him. Besides, Nathan is so honorable and good; it's hard to root against him.

Readers, I really don't want to be snarky, but it's post sweeps time, and now everything seems slightly lackluster compared to all the action-packed weeks in February, so please indulge me and let me vent a little this week...

Felicia, who doesn't know she's really the mayor, was babysitting and rushed Georgie to the ER with the flu... I guess since she left town rather than raise her own daughters, she's not schooled in baby flu symptoms and assumed Georgie was dying. But, I don't know how to take care of babies, either, so trust me, I'm not judging, just relating. In true soap fashion, Nathan walked into the hospital just in time to catch Maxie and Spinelli lovingly hovering over Georgie, looking like the perfect family. Ugh.

But Georgie's flu isn't the only baby drama in Port Charles this week. Sonny lost his custody battle with Michael, and Avery is now in the hands of Michael (Corinthos) Quartermaine, who is in no way related to her. At all. Whatsoever.

So, does this mean I can just see one of my neighbors that I think is a rotten parent and sue for custody of their kid? Not that I ever would, but I'm wondering. Yes, yes, I know, Michael is Sonny's adopted child.

However, in a world where Avery has blood half-siblings like Kiki and Morgan, who you'd think the court might have asked about those options once it became apparent that Michael's case hinged on revenge vs. concern for the child's safety. Now Michael is stomping around the Quartermaine mansion, with the baby on his hip, calling her A.J. Quartermaine, which makes me throw up a little in my mouth. And no, Michael, I do not want to see your bullet-scarred head, because we all know you are not Dylan Cash and your hair isn't Aunt-Bobbie-Red.

Of course, Michael had help winning the case, since his Grandma Monica got her beau the judge to intervene. Monica must be really good in bed to get Judge Walters to fix two custody hearings for her. If so, one must wonder why Alan was cheating on her with Susan Moore all those years ago.

Now the deed is done, and Michael is cussing out business associates while giving Avery her bottle and decided to make things even worse by hiring Snorebrina to be the baby's nanny.

I know that's mean, but in all truth, the only three days I ever truly gave a rat's @ss about the character of Sabrina are 1) the day she morphed from Ugly Betty to Pretty, Pretty Princess at the Nurses ball, 2) the day she had a mental breakdown after her baby died and put her wedding gown on like she thought she was getting married, and 3) the day she went psycho and tried to poison Ava into premature labor. Other than that, she's kind of a snooze. Don't get me wrong. I really like Teresa Castillo, but as a soap character, Sabrina lacks pizazz. They need to get Felix back so Sabrina has a BFF with whom to share her secrets. If they are going to have her become Avery's nanny, I want her to lose it again and think the baby is hers and run off with it so Michael has to go crawling back to Sonny for help.

I like Michael's softening relationship with Tracy and seeing her maternal side come out. But that's the only part of this I am enjoying. Michael's petulant looks and anger are wearing thin. I also find it comical that Michael, a kid who I think only went to the orientation at PCU but never attended any classes, is suddenly running a major business conglomerate. Also comical is the fact that ELQ seemingly has no other employees outside of the Quartermaine family, since it's always just Michael, Ned, or Tracy in the office.

In other baby news, I have to wonder who is watching Josslyn while Carly consoles Sonny over losing his baby? Carly was at Sonny's house for two days, telling him what a great dad he was, while not even calling to check on her child. Frankly, since her mad-as-a-hatter Uncle Luke is on the loose and just tried to blow up his own sister, I don't think I'd let Bobbie babysit at the moment. Not to mention Bobbie is probably preoccupied visiting the semi-earless Scotty Baldwin. But now that Jake has moved in, maybe he will watch Children of the Corn with Josslyn.

In other critical commentary, I have not warmed up to NuKiki either. I'm sorry, readers, maybe it's just because of my sincere fondness for Kristen Alderson, but I just can't wholeheartedly embrace the NuKiki. I feel that this actress is just a bad match for the character. Kiki Jerome has always been a powerhouse, an attitude galore kind of girl. Haley Erin is lovely but doesn't have quite enough "in-your-face-iness" to play Kiki. But that's just my opinion, of course. What do you think, readers? Love her? Not quite sure? Thumbs-down?

The people in Port Charles are filthy, filthy people. I know this by he number of showers they are always taking and wearing towels galore. I was trying to rate the best towel scenes this week, and I thought I would go with Dante and Nathan in the police locker room, but then when Agent Sloane dropped his towel for Anna's police search, I had to reconsider.

Agent Sloane and Anna have their work cut out for them, as every mobster and all their toadies are planning to kill someone. It's like Killapoalooza -- Sonny wants to kill Jake, and Duke wants to kill Jordan, but only after he has her kill Julian. Julian wants to kill Duke because he's in Julian's way. Carlos just wants to kill anyone, I think; he has the look of war in his eyes. I'm still trying to get past the fact that Julian forgave Carlos for killing Ava. I mean, sure, she's not really dead, but Julian doesn't know that.

Instead, Ava is alive, but has a rare cancer, and it seems apparent that baby Ava is going to be her match. So, what is it with the Jeromes? Only Julian is a match for Danny's rare disease, and now the new Jerome baby will be Ava's savior? Maybe their family tree had too much inbreeding.

Is it just me, or do Nina and Franco make Shadybrook look really appealing? You just lay around in your room all day, making out with your boyfriend! People bring you food. You don't have to work, and if you do something illegal or immoral, you just have to babble incoherently for 30 seconds and never suffer the consequences of your actions. Really, your only worry is that Heather will escape and inject you with LSD at some point. Or that Laura will be readmitted, and you'll have to brush the back of her hair while she stares out the window.

Speaking of Laura, Luke escaped again. Now knowing that Luke has multiple personalities, could it be that dark side of Luke who raped Laura, ran over Jake on the road, or disappeared all those times when no one knew where Luke went? I think this storyline has the potential to make sense of all Luke's loose ends. I am riveted and anxious to watch it unfold.

In the number one bonehead move of the week, Elizabeth chose Jake over Ric. Yes, sure, I saw the previews, and I know they are going to kiss. But readers, let's face it: eventually Jake will regain his memory and go back to Sam and Danny, and Liz will be forced to humble herself and ask Ric to take her back. But maybe Jake will impregnate her first, and they can replace their lost child.

I like Ric. I've always liked Ric. I know I shouldn't because he's a mess, but I think that's why I like him so much. He just wanted Sonny to acknowledge him as a brother, and finally after all these years, that has happened. I'm delighted by their growing relationship. I want Liz to like Ric too; I want her to love him. Why? Because he is desperate for her, and I can't stand to see anyone toss true love away. He has carried a torch for Liz for years, and for her to pick an amnesiac she just met over a guy who has been pining for her for years makes my heart ache. That's all.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Shawn tell Jordan he blew her cover before Duke takes her to the Pine Barrens? Will Bobbie find her sister Patricia and discover that she's taken on Aunt Ruby's role as madam in the family business? Will Avery enjoy playing with her Uncle Julian and Auntie Olivia's baby when it is born and lives down the hall, since all mob babies pretend to be Quartermaine babies? Will Ava's donor match come from a previously dead Jerome like Olivia? Will Lulu ever convince Dante to get a bigger apartment, since now three adults and a four-year-old are apparently sleeping on that one pullout sofa in their living room? Will Josslyn hate Jake as much as she did Franco?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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