The Jackal, Children of the Corn, and Ghost Babies

For the Week of October 19, 2015
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The Jackal, Children of the Corn, and Ghost Babies
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The week of October 19, 2015
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New writers, new Josslyn, new babi(es) on the way, new honeymoons to plan, newly adopted babies that might be cleverly disguised presumed-dead babies, new potential A.A. members -- it's a great kickoff to a new sweeps season in Port Charles. Join us as we dish about this and much more in this week's GH Two Scoops!

Dearest readers, the new writers have taken over GH, and I see some positive movement. Do you? I also see some rewriting of history mingled with a few familiar faces we love who are either here now or on their way back home to Port Charles.

I'm encouraged. There is finally some forward motion in the Jake storyline, and that delights me. It's been dragging on... For. So. Long. Readers, I spend a lot of time in my head, asking what I would do in any given situation, while watching GH.

For instance, if I were Jake and had no memory of my past and suspected that other people knew who I was and wouldn't tell me, I would not accept the original DNA test I had taken. I would instead drive across town to Mercy Hospital (where no GH baddies work) or maybe even all the way out to Beechers Corners and take a new DNA test.

If I were Hayden, I would have created a social media campaign on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., plastering photos of myself, saying, "Does anyone know me?" Because someone out there in the world must know Hayden and have some access to her past life, and they could fill her in on where she went to high school, or where she used to work, or any other random fact about a life.

Now, with the help of the Jackal, Assassin of the Internet, the man who brings us "gracious greetings" -- we might actually get to the bottom of the mystery of Jake. If Spinelli is the one to blow it wide open, that would be poetic justice. As Damien noted, Jason was the person who made him a friend and introduced him to life and love and loyalty. If Spinelli can return the favor by giving Jason back his life, that would be extremely satisfying to me as a viewer. Kudos to the new writers for bringing Spinelli back to town. I hope Bradford Anderson will stay for a while. I don't care how they write it to make that possible. It's just that Port Charles is a happier place with Spinelli in the mix.

Here's another case for him to solve -- "The case of the oddly timed pregnancy." How is it that Snorebrina might be pregnant with Carlos' baby when he died back in May? If you had been pregnant since May, would you not have realized that in the past five months? Wouldn't missing three or four periods in a row and having pants that kept getting tighter be a clue that would lead you to conclude that you were pregnant? It doesn't seem to me that if you got pregnant in May that you'd just be taking a pregnancy test in October. Also, Sabrina was doing a bit of drinking with Michael over the summer. If this baby is Carlos', it is probably going to be one messed-up baby after its mom spent a summer pounding martinis. Or maybe Carlos came back as a ghost and impregnated her -- we do have new writers, and they might be into otherworldly romance. You just never know.

In other news of the womb, let's discuss Valerie and "the case of the phantom pregnancy test"... Everyone thinks she is pregnant because she walked by a trashcan with a pregnancy test in it. I feel for her. Have you ever been the victim of a baseless rumor? I have, and it's not fun at all. About ten years ago, I was working at this place, and they hired a guy to take the role I was in, and they asked him to shadow me for two weeks to learn. So, he had just started there and knew no one, and we were on the same schedule. He sat by me for two weeks, we took breaks together, and we had lunch together.

Some gossipy ladies (and the reason all my close friends are men) saw me out at lunch with this guy several days in a row and assumed I was having a fling with him. They went so far as to go to the pastor of my church, shared their concerns, and basically implied I was a whore. The facts were that the guy in question was gay, and we spent our lunches talking about show tunes and which baristas he thought were cute. So, in that respect, I feel for Valerie because it's hurtful to be accused of things you didn't do, but in her case, there is a grain of truth to the accusations. It is possible that she could be pregnant, since we know she had unprotected sex with Dante. Me on the other hand? Nope. Just girl talk.

However, because this is GH, and there has been so much vehement denial from Valerie that she is not pregnant, I'm inclined to think she is pregnant. But like Sabrina, her romp with Dante was on the Fourth of July week, so she would be at least three months pregnant by now. If she is pregnant, I figure we won't find out about Valerie's pregnancy until Lulu has already been implanted with their last embryo, and Dante will have two baby mamas knocked up at once for a little extra spice in our soaps.

The third time was the charm for Carly and Sonny as they were finally able to tie the knot in the hospital, surrounded by most of their combined children. I was happy to see a SORASed (Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome) Josslyn back in town. This is good news for Emma because now she has no competition for Spencer and Cameron, unless Josslyn is a creeper who likes boys three years younger than she is. Sonny's idea about going to Iowa for their honeymoon to see the cornfields was a great wink to the audience about the ghost of Josslyn past and her fascination with the Children of the Corn movie.

Laura Wright was gorgeous, but that's not unusual; she is just a stunning woman. I have realized lately I don't write about her enough. Her performances seem so effortless and natural that I rarely single her out for what she does. It's like in film. I get tired of hearing about how amazing Meryl Streep is in everything she does. She is, of course. She's stellar in everything she does, but the redundancy of saying it bores me. I have robbed Laura Wright of her due time in this column over the years because she's always good in every scene, and thus I have not bothered to say every week for years "Wow, Laura Wright was great again!" But -- she can do it all. She can cry and break your heart, she can laugh and fill you with delight, she can get into a catfight and make you pity her poor adversary, she can move you, effortlessly and beautifully every time. Consider this overdue shout-out my wedding gift to Carly.

It was nice to see Christina, too. I am still baffled by why we had all the promos announcing that Lexi Ainsworth was coming back to Port Charles, yet we have barely seen her since her return. Perhaps there is a front-burner storyline in the works, and the writers are just biding their time? One can only hope. She's too talented to waste in the background as a wedding guest. Give her some meaty material, and she will shred it.

Readers, as mob guys go, I have always found Sonny to be smarter than Julian, and this week proved to me again that Julian is pretty and sometimes lethal, but he's no genius. Olivia walked by his place with a baby the exact age of the one she claimed to lose, and she had her cockamamie story about adopting baby Mateo from a church while the baby was wrapped in Leo's monogrammed blanket. Seriously, are you kidding me? And Julian ate that up.

Thankfully for him, he's got a brilliant lover who can smell a rat a mile away. She stole "Mateo's" pacifier, and I predict will be sending it in for testing. The DNA lab in Port Charles is going to get a backlog of cases soon and will have to hire some extra staff.

Before Jake's DNA even proves that he is Jason, he and Sam are already drawn together and are out having adventures, breaking gargoyles, and spraining ankles. Okay, that was just Sam, but she did climb a parapet in heels, so she had it coming.

The one person I really feel bad for in this storyline is Patrick Drake. He is an innocent man in all of this. Liz will be hurt, but she deserves to be hurt. She chose this road, knowing full well it could come to no good end. Jake will get Sam and Danny back. Sam will get Jason back. Hayden might leave Nikolas, but they aren't really all that invested in each other yet, so no crushing heartbreak.

But Patrick? He gets no one and will be crushed and alone. What do you think, readers? Will he hate Elizabeth for keeping this secret, or will he understand and forgive her? I predict the first. She let him and Emma fall in love with Sam, knowing full well her husband was still alive. I don't see a scenario where Patrick will be on Liz's side here.

Across town, Nina bought the creepy murder apartment, where Silas died, because Franco is so charming and can make a woman do unreasonable things in the wake of his charisma. Worse, he's not even going to let her redecorate it! Brutal. And Nina hasn't even made love to Franco yet! After sex, he could probably talk her into recreating Silas' murder and tagging it "CO77X."

Readers, I wish I could warm up to Kiki, but she really just leaves me cold. I am simply not interested in her character. I don't care if she drinks all day, I don't care if she sulks, I don't care if she turns to a life of crime, changes sexual orientation, shaves her head, goes to PCU to study fashion design, goes to work for Lulu as a blackjack dealer at the Haunted Star, makes people scrambled eggs at Kelly's, goes to work for her mom in the mob, or any other scenario. I can't imagine a circumstance they could put Kiki in that would make me care about her. Unless, of course, her original portrayer returned, and then I'd make a new list. Don't misunderstand -- I don't dislike the actress; she's just not the right fit for a character as fierce as Kiki.

As for Kiki's mom, Ava is up to her neck in shady dealings. She has taken over the Jerome crime family and is being blackmailed by the shady new D.A. Paul Hornsby. Ava has reason to worry about Carly and Sonny's marriage, because in spite of Carly's questionable taste in men (exception: Jax), she is an upstanding and honorable member of Port Charles society, the owner of a business, a mom who has raised three kids, and basically sane. Ava, on the other hand, is guilty of murdering both Connie and A.J., impersonating Denise Demuccio, and a host of other crimes. Sure, the recording is at large that proves she is a murderer, but I still think a judge would find Carly a more suitable parent than Ava. But there is the Sonny factor, so that's a tough call.

Ava reopened the gallery just in time for Paul Hornsby to stand directly below the painting of the crocodile, which made me laugh. ("Never smile at a crocodile" -- with a tip of my hat to ABC's parent company Disney.)

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Dillon plant a pity kiss on Lulu after he tells her that Dante slept with Valerie? Will Liz accuse Hayden of stealing her lunch from the GH fridge? Will other people forget that Maxie can't keep from blurting out secrets and tell her more secrets to blurt out? Will Ned stay in town long enough to take over ELQ, since Michael is a Corinthos again? Will Dr. Collins be able to diagnose Morgan as bipolar and get him drugged up before he hurts someone? Will Laura try again with Scott now that Luke is out of the picture, or is Stefan Cassadine coming back to life on Halloween and reclaiming her heart?

Will Spencer hold a memorial service for Goliath? Will Tracy wise up to Paul's shenanigans and blow his cover? Will any clients buy gaudy animal paintings from Ava's gallery? Will Nikolas hire Olivia Pope to repair his image after the world discovers he knew about Jakeson? Will Sam remember to pack sensible shoes for her next caper?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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