The mysterious poisons of Port Charles

For the Week of March 20, 2023
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Targeted poisons, slurred speech, gunshots that require only Band-Aids, a familiar librarian disguise, and so many more oddities to discuss in this week's GH Two Scoops.

Dear readers, it's been a weird week on GH. So, if I understand this correctly, Ms. Wu is slipping a targeted poison into Victor's drinks just to make him impotent? Can someone please explain this to me? What is her end game? Who wants to see Victor unable to perform in bed, and to what end? Helena was much better at poisoning. She had a poison ring (of which my dear Daddy bought me a replica), and when Helena opened that ring and dumped a dose into your tea, it was not to keep you from having sex; it was to keep you from breathing.

Two doctors have told Victor that this condition is irreversible, so I suppose he won't be fathering any more children or becoming a sperm donor at the Port Charles fertility lab. But so what? I do not understand why this is an issue.

Victor assumes it is Laura who has done this to him and vows revenge, but in truth, it's the sly and seductive Ms. Wu flying under the radar as his nemesis. Also, I am unsure if Deputy Mayor Ashby is a friend or foe. She is still a big red flag for me. Eileen is still trying to play both sides. She told Victor where the necklace was, and I did not trust her. Unless one of our heroes really confirms that it was all part of the plan, I will continue to expect the worst from her.

Another odd medical symptom revealed this week is Gregory fainting and slurring his words, but we haven't seen him knocking back the scotch. So, what is this mystery ailment? We don't yet know. Apparently, he hasn't told his sons or anyone. Alexis assumes it's because Gregory is drinking, but I am unconvinced. I think his leave of absence from the university is due to a health issue, maybe MS or something of that nature? Time will tell.

Maybe the writers are trying to find a way to ease Gregory out of Port Charles. His pairing with Alexis never really took off into supercouple status. Of course, they had a popular hot couple with Julian and Alexis, but they immediately ruined Julian and killed him. Why is anybody's guess.

Why do so many of Alexis' love interests seem to disappear or die? Ric (vanished), Julian (died), Jax (vanished -- and sure, I know it was fake, but they actually were married), Neil (died), and now it looks like Gregory is going to die before he can even become an actual love interest. I won't pretend to be all heartbroken about that, since I already told you that the two of them bore me. I would like to see Alexis have a good, solid love story again with someone who can hold his own against her.

Readers, I know I will catch some heat for saying this, but Kristina and Dex have some serious chemistry. I would not mind if Dex was forbidden to date Joss and hooked up with another forbidden Corinthos girl -- Kristina. She wants to open a restaurant; Dex intends to practice his newfound cooking skills... Just saying, a night in Pozzulo's kitchen together, practicing Mrs. Cerullo's recipes, plus some wine, could end up anywhere. Unless, of course, Dex is yet another of Sonny's love children and related to Kristina by blood, in which case, no.

Also, no need to remind me. Kristina has been in relationships with both men and women over the years, but she hasn't been with anyone in so long that I think the writers could take her in either direction. Bring Ethan home when Holly returns, and let Ethan and Kristina revisit their relationship. Let them make peace and get to know one another as adults. Or maybe recast Valerie, since the original Val is Elena on The Young and the Restless, and the last recast was only on like two times and then never seen again. I just want more Lexi Ainsworth and an actual storyline for Kristina. I can tell you which characters I would sacrifice for this to happen, but I don't want you to be mad at me, so I will keep that to myself for now.

Is it mean that I am happy that Spencer gleefully outed Dex and Joss's relationship to Sonny? I want Sonny to forbid Dex from seeing Joss. I want it to all blow up in Joss's face. I want her to be alone, if only for a minute, so she can experience the pain she caused Cam. Of course, Joss is the only one other than Michael that knows Dex's true mission is to take Sonny down. But I am more convinced than ever that Dex is falling for Sonny and starting to really respect and care for him. Have you ever seen the film Donnie Brasco? If not, check it out.

Don't hate me, but I liked seeing Classic Sonny this week during the shootout. The quippy mobster one-liners like "He can't shoot if he's ducking." They're great. This season will be the actual test of Nina and Sonny's relationship. Now that Sonny is facing a mob battle from an unknown rival and he and his family are targeted, Nina is going to get a crash course in being a mobster's girlfriend, and frankly, I don't think she is cut out for it.

Suppose Nina really wants a relationship with Willow, Wiley, and Amelia. In that case, I can guarantee that Michael and Willow will not let her in their door if they believe her presence brings chaos and danger into their home. They will demand she end things with Sonny if she wants to be part of their lives. If that's the thing that breaks them up, great.

But my money is still on the theory that Dex is Sonny's love child with Brenda and that Brenda will come to town to save Dex and accidentally woo Sonny away from Nina. Okay, it's less of a theory and more of a hope. Vanessa Marcil, are you busy? If not, we need you.

Nina spoke to Phyllis about this new side of Sonny she finally sees after all the warnings she has had about Sonny's violent ways. Phyllis asks if she thinks Nina can sustain a relationship with Sonny in full mob mode. Nina is unsure. When Phyllis said that Nina may not be suited for that way of life, Nina said, "You mean like Carly is?" And when Nina got back to Sonny's place, Carly was there, teary-eyed, and Nina knew that Carly was on the inside track of Sonny's world. And that's the truth. Carly is cut out for Sonny's world, or at least she has learned to be.

On the other hand, Nina would not last a day if, say, a rival mobster kidnapped or shot her kid or grandkids. Think of everything Carly has endured over the years. Do you really think that Nina could survive those things? I may be in the minority, but I'd rather see Carly and Sonny back together than either Drew and Carly or Sonny and Nina. I'm not sold on either of those pairings.

I would rather see Drew in a triangle with Sam and Dante or for Kim to come back with a baby that is Drew's instead of Julian's, as we last thought. I'd also prefer a recast Jax to return and woo Nina with his "Let me help you get out of the mob life and fix things with your daughter," because Jax loves to rescue people, and he hates Sonny. Who would make a good Jax? David Sutcliffe, who played Christopher Hayden on Gilmore Girls, would make a great Jax. He's about the same age and has the charm and charisma to pull it off.

Now, let's talk about Cam. I am sad to think William Lipton is leaving us, but with Cam announcing he's going to Stanford, I assume we are losing him. I absolutely adored his run as Cameron Webber. He played the role so beautifully, and each innocent moment of his tender performance touched me, from his support of Oscar through his cancer, to quietly harboring feelings for Josslyn for so long before he was bold enough to act on them, to his support of Spencer even when Spencer was misbehaving, Cam was a true friend to all. There was nothing to dislike about Cameron Webber. His scenes were always genuine, tender, and moving. He's an enormously talented young actor and singer. I have loved having him on GH. I hope this is just a temporary break for him to go and work on a new album of his amazing songs or something. I hope he will be back someday.

Before he leaves town, I hope he plays for the Nurses Ball and that Lucy Coe introduces him. I have started my own personal #FreeLucy campaign because Lynn Herring is too much of a life force and too big a part of the Nurses Ball for her to stay cooped up with Valentin and Anna while the ball goes on without her. Nope, I am not having it. At the end of Friday's episode, long-time viewers got a glimpse of a Lucy we have not seen in decades -- Lucy as the mousy librarian we first met in 1986 before she became a Class A vixen.

I am also ready for Valentin and Anna to return to the mix in Port Charles. While I have enjoyed seeing those two lovebirds having lots of together time, they are too central to Port Charles to be off the grid for this long. I know the big GH 60th anniversary is coming soon, and I hope our wayward wanderers will be home to celebrate.

I can't tell you how excited I am. All these teasers show that familiar faces will be coming home to celebrate. I wish they'd bring back every GH cast member of all time, still living, for a week, and let us drink in their faces, young or old. All the Carlys, all the Nikolases and Luckys, all the actors who play supposedly deceased characters, and even Jax and Jason, despite their past arguments with ABC. Have a day of Jubilee, forgive all the prodigal sons and daughters, and let us celebrate with every face we have ever loved. "People say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

I am still daydreaming of a Tony Geary sighting. When Bobbie says she can't accept that Luke is dead, she keeps imagining him showing up at her door one day, saying, "Hey Barbara Jean, do I have a helluva story for you!" I hope that is exactly what happens, word for word. And I hope it happens this month. I love this show, and I have loved it for so long. I'm delighted it's still on the air and that we get to keep enjoying it.

I'm also delighted to see some of our vets with actual storylines. Laura, of course, is embroiled in the most prominent story -- taking down the limp noodle Victor Cassadine. Once they do, I fully expect many missing people, maybe Jason, Ethan, Luke, or Julian Jerome, to show up. I mean, really, who knows how many people he has stashed somewhere?

Bobbie is co-chairing the Nurses Ball with Maxie until Lucy escapes, and it's nice to see her beautiful face. I am already bracing for when Bobbie gets the news that Epiphany is gone. Stock up on tissues now, my friends.

Mac and Felicia are front and center again with the Cody paternity storyline, and Felicia is helping Anna hide Lucy and Valentin. I like the connection Mac and Cody are forming, even though Cody lied about the DNA test. When Mac finally finds out he is Cody's dad, he may be angry for a day or two, but we know Mac's heart, and there is no way he won't eventually embrace his son with open arms. He's one of the genuine good guys in Port Charles, and I love the notion that he and Dominique made a baby together.

One of the most harrowing scenes to watch was Mac and Kevin talking about Ryan. Mac had to kill his best friend's serial killer brother. Watching them work through those emotions and end up in an embrace made me cry. I'd like to say to Jon Lindstrom, "Thanks for all the years of nutso Ryan. He was a hoot to watch. Creepy, but very soapaliciously fun." I am glad Jon can focus on Kevin now, but I can see Ryan coming back to haunt him someday. He and John J. York did beautiful work together. Also, I don't think I remembered that Ryan was molested as a child. I jumped a little when that line came up. How did I forget that? Or is this the first time we have heard it? If you know, tell me! Where is Mac's brother Robert? Has he gone off to fetch Holly?

Side note. The GH casting department is killing me with these babies and kids. Baby Amelia looks like she just fell from a heavenly cloud to earth. Little Donna and Scout are both so gorgeous, and let's not even talk about the cuteness of Wiley and Violet. All the kids are so precious.

I wonder how many kids audition before they choose an actor. I am waiting to see Rocco and Danny next; as Dante said, they are both teenagers now. Does this mean the current Danny and Rocco have had growth spurts, or are they going to SORAS the characters? (If you are a soap newbie, that stands for Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome, where a character goes from three to thirteen overnight.)

Ace, the very large newborn, is nestled in his mother's arms in Spring Ridge, and Laura, Kevin, Spencer, and Trina have all paid visits to Esme to convince her that prison isn't the best place for a baby.

Readers, I think Trina may be the most sensible person in Port Charles. I'm not even kidding. Trina is mature and levelheaded, and she never lets her anger get in the way of sound reasoning. Trina's idea is to drop the charges against Esme because, if she stood trial now, the jury would not convict a poor single mother with no memory. Trina still wants Esme to pay for her crimes, but not at Ace's expense. She thinks dropping the charges might get Esme out of Spring Ridge and thereby get Ace out of Spring Ridge, too, and then someday, when Esme regains her memory, they can have her charged and tried when she is in her right mind.

Is this legal? I don't know -- I am not a lawyer, but her reasoning seems sound to me.

Another scene I loved this week, at the risk of riling up the Carly haters, was the beautiful exchange between Liz and Carly. I loved their conversation and Carly acknowledging that she and Liz are alike. They are loyal to their friends and family and willing to make mistakes or commit crimes if that is what it takes to protect the ones they love. I loved Carly's line that the one way they are different is that Carly learned not to give her loyalty to people who would not return it. When Victor was manhandling Liz, and Carly jumped in and said, "Back the hell off, Cassadine,' I was so happy to see her. Carly and Liz have their issues, but Carly wasn't about to let Liz be manhandled.

In general, Rebecca Herbst has been slaying every scene for weeks. Her scenes with Carly, with Portia, with Scotty, with the police, confessing -- were all so compassionately and perfectly done. Was Liz wrong? She should have gone to the police when she discovered Nik was holding Esme. But do I understand why she didn't and feel for her? I do.

I also like the Carly and Joss scenes where Carly tries to warn Joss about getting involved with a mobster. Joss is so sure Dex is going to leave after he takes Sonny down, but we see that Dex is softening to Sonny, and I think he's going to back out of his deal with Michael and stay with Sonny. Or maybe Willow will convince Michael to back off on his war with Sonny, Michael will tell Dex to vanish, but Dex won't because he's hot for Joss. I am not sure how it will go down, but I am convinced that Dex will stick with Sonny and stay in the mob.

Friday's episode hit me unexpectedly, with former archenemies Valentin and Laura having a genuine moment of mutual respect and understanding. They have two significant things in common. They both love Charlotte, and they both despise Victor. Those two things, together with Anna's love for Valentin, have caused Laura to see him in a new, more flattering light. Also, I am just speculating here, but with Nikolas having gone so far over the edge, perhaps Laura is questioning her son's version of what happened in the past.

Laura hated Valentin at first because she thought he had murdered Nikolas. He obviously didn't, so part of that hatred has leaked away. Now, Laura looks at Valentin and sees the man that Charlotte adores as her Papa. Laura sees the way he dotes on and fusses over his daughter. Really, what's not to love? Valentin is easily my biggest GH crush. I will not deny it. So, seeing Laura coming around to Team Valentin delights my heart.

Another new dynamic duo for me is Robert and Diane. The Fab Four teens persuaded Diane to go to Robert to drop the charges against Esme. Robert was hesitant, but Diane was able to convince and persuade him of the wisdom of that plan. He agreed, with the caveat that he personally speak to all the victims of Esme's crimes and have them agree and that he would be able to refile the charges once Esme's memory returns. They still want her convicted. That's a nice ace up the sleeve of the writers. They can call in Esme's marker at any time by having her memories resurface. Now Robert and Diane should seal the deal with a kiss.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will the Quartermaines pay Cody enough to be their stable boy, so he doesn't have to sell plasma? Will Ms. Wu give him a cut of all the money he is winning for her in poker before he drains himself of all blood? Will Liesl forgive Scott, reconcile with him, or try to help Victor un-limp his noodle? What color will Lucy's underwear be when she ends up semi-clad on the Nurses Ball stage? Will Joss stick with Dex when he turns on Michael and decides to stick with Sonny and the mob because Sonny's being so good to him? Will I ever stop being frustrated by the junior high hijinks of Brook Lynn and Chase? Will Laura's feeling that everything is about to blow up be literal or figurative?

Will Anna and Valentin enlist Spinelli to plant false codes in the Ice Princess necklace, since I am positive neither of them is a coder or hacker? Will Nina be able to keep her big trap shut about Carly and Drew to the SEC, or will she feel threatened by Carly's intimate conversations with Sonny and turn her in just to get her out of the way? Will Laura return to Drew after Valentin is revealed to be alive and say, "Hey, vulture, here's why I couldn't sell you his shares?" Will Portia and Liz pick a winner in their "Who's the biggest liar" contest?

Will Dr. O get the drugs out of her system in time to save Willow's life, or are the writers just toying with us, and will they kill Willow off, anyway? Will Esme show us the letter scary Heather wrote to her, or must we just imagine the shenanigans contained therein? Will we find out who Victor was calling to check on Holly? Will the writers find new ways to get Dex's shirt off weekly?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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