Well stocked crypt
For the Week of January 31, 2005
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You know, when we think of a crypt, we don't usually consider there being all kinds of resources lying around that you could use to send smoke signals if ever you were kidnapped and locked inside by a maniac. Shows what we know. Our columnist shares some new insight into what it means to be stuck in a crypt as well as some of the other goings-on in Port Charles.

You know, whenever I'd thought of a crypt, I hadn't really considered they would have skylights, candelabras, books of matches, and piles of leaves lying around that you could use to send smoke signals if ever you were kidnapped and locked inside by a maniac. Shows you what I know. The "Can you hear me now" service doesn't seem to work that well inside of a crypt, though, as Mac could make out "Crypt," but Emily's voice cut out on "Cassadine." And he went running off to the wrong family crypt. Ewww. Crypts are creepy.

My dear husband Jeff, who won't admit to watching GH but seems to know an awful lot about it, pointed out that the Cassadine crypt is vacant because most Cassadines only pretend to be dead; thus, they aren't using the crypt, anyway. Maybe that's why the candles were there, so they could read while faking being dead.

I want to go on record right now as saying Natalia Livingston has done her best acting ever this week. She should, by all rights, be nominated for an Emmy for the rape storyline. She was brilliant in every scene: pulling the trigger to kill Connor; scrubbing down in the shower; slumped at the bottom of the staircase, sobbing next to her torn dress and pool of blood -- amazing, vivid work. I also loved the scenes where Liz is reminding Emily that she has been there and trying to get her to talk about it, but Emily withdraws and refuses to acknowledge the rape. Imagine something so horrifying you can't even tell your best friend... A very powerful storyline, and kudos to ABC for the P.S.A.'s Natalia is doing at the end of the show, too.

The added twist was that our resident Queen of Darkness Helena witnessed the murder and assumed Emily killed Nikolas. Emily told her it was Connor, and when Helena finally verified that fact, the conversation she had with Emily was wickedly fun -- the "Did you enjoy watching him die?" query with a joyful gleam in her eye. If Emily had said, "Yes, it was a real kick!" she and Helena could have bonded and become best friends. Lucky found Emily in the crypt, and after a struggle, got shot for his trouble. Skye burst in wielding a rifle in Annie Oakley mode and held Helena at gunpoint, but a badly positioned shrubbery that blocked Helena from the cops allowed her to get away.

I have to tell you, she's one wily old lady. She's 72 years old (and I have to say, Constance Towers is gorgeous, not just for a 72-year-old, but gorgeous, period; I hope I look that lovely at 72) and at 72, she can outrun any officer on the PCPD -- in heels, no less -- and survive a fall off the bluffs at Wyndemere. As I recall, she still has a body double doing time for her in some prison. Hey! If both Helena and Nikolas have identical body doubles out there, maybe Stefan has one, too, and he can come back as long-lost Cassadine cousin Mikhail or something!

So, Helena is on the loose again, and Lucky's life hangs in the balance. When Luke finds out Helena shot his son, all hell will break loose. Or so I hope. Emily, even in the midst of all she has been through, had enough wits about her to lie to Lucky and let him think Helena had been captured. We have a tear-jerker plot coming along, folks, so prepare yourselves and make sure to have Kleenex on hand, as Lucky is on life support, and Luke has to decide whether or not to pull the plug. GH isn't messing around for their February sweeps period. I'm hooked -- how about you?

One thing I am not hooked on and have never been hooked on is the Soap "Mystery Person" technique. I hate it when all I see for weeks is someone's shoe, or a gloved hand, or worst of all, the blonde-wigged head that is supposed to be Laura. (Off topic, I bet if ABC would cough up enough money, they could get Genie Francis to leave her kids with a nanny for a month.) The person watching Sonny's kids, the mastermind behind the kidnapping plot, is Faith. It's been reported for months that it is Faith, and we all know it is Faith, so why not show us Faith? Maybe Cynthia Preston is not on the payroll until February 1, so they strung us along all January with a shot of the back of someone's calf, and a gloved hand on a security camera. Enough already.

Sam almost ruined Faith's kidnapping scheme by trying to jump the fence at Sonny's place, supposedly to grab Kristina. She'd be an easy kid to kidnap, as you could be 100% certain she wouldn't scream for help. Last week, I seriously upset one woman with my comments on Kristina. She said I was attacking her. I am not attacking this child, as, first of all, she's two and cannot read, so if people are reading her bad reviews to her instead of The Little Mermaid or The Cat in the Hat, they are idiots. I am, however, questioning the instincts of the casting director. Parts are recast all the time. I will refrain from commenting further except to say the word "Seashell" -- if anyone knows why I said "Seashell," please write me.

Diego is back in town and went to have dinner with Lorenzo, apparently just to tell him off again. I have an "ADD" side to me, and I get easily bored. I hope this isn't going to last too long. I can see why Diego and Brook Lynn are so well suited for each other. You may recall we went through a few rounds of "I hate my parents" with her, too -- after all, they are wicked people who wanted her to...sing! How dare they? Zzzzzzzz.

I'd rather see Lorenzo and Steven fighting over Carly than Lorenzo wasting time with Diego. If, of course, Diego is going to snap out of it and give Lorenzo a chance to be a father to him? Now, that would be worth watching. I believe that is where we are heading, but I am the five-year-old in the back of the car, saying, "Are we there yet?" Ned gave Diego the "scary Dad talk." It was fun, although I hope Ned doesn't think he actually scared him into being respectful.

Sam is not in Miami, obviously, but hanging around a bunch of metal trash cans in some icy alley, talking to a creepy woman about some scheme we have yet to unravel. Jason knows she is not in Miami and realizes she is up to something. He will figure it out -- too bad he can't work for the PCPD, as it seems that poor brain-damaged Jason is smarter than the entire force. Oddly enough, Bridget is choosing Sam as her confidante -- Grandma's got Hope and changed her name to Alexandria (I think) and kicked Bridget out after what, one night? Maybe Grandma has dementia and thinks Hope is some other baby she raised? By the way, Sam was not at Sonny's to kidnap Kristina; she was there to steal cash -- Creepy Lady is going to help her buy a baby in some illegal adoption scam, or so the rumors have it.

Courtney was waffling this week, trying to decide if she loved Jason or Jax, but since Jason told her point-blank that he is in love with Sam, she can go crawling back to Jax wholeheartedly, knowing there is no chance with Jason. That always makes the decisions easy, doesn't it? Expect a big declaration of love from Courtney to Jax in the near future.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will A.J.'s arrival in Port Charles send Michael into a new cycle of bad behavior? Will Kristina keep a firm grip on Angel Bear so it doesn't get kidnapped anymore? Will we ever see Morgan again now that Sonny has the giant house that obviously has a "Crying Infant Wing"? Will Helena break a heel and slow down enough that Mac and the No-Name Detectives can catch her? Will Sam realize that even if she is really, really, really mad at Jason, sleeping at his penthouse is better than the Dumpster in the icy alley?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.

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