The streets of Port Charles are littered with broken hearts, tears, and apparently empty wine bottles that were once filled with extremely potent wine.
Readers, this was a stunning week of GH, as in "I am stunned by the bad writing of General Hospital this week."
Two weeks ago, I complained that I had no idea why Paul Hornsby was killing people at GH. One week ago, my sweet friend and co-Two Scooper Liz Masters was frustrated because she also didn't know why Paul was killing people. And now, for the third week, we still don't know why Paul is killing people.
We did overhear a mysterious phone call with Paul telling...his daughter (at least I think that's who he was talking to -- or is it Jenny?) he was almost finished fulfilling his commitment to her, but I still don't know what he has against GH or the doctors and random patients in the hospital.
Dear readers, I work in a church. Not a courthouse, not a hospital, not a police station, but your average garden-variety protestant church. And you know what we have there? Security cameras. No one could aimlessly wander around the halls of the church, pushing people down stairs; breaking into pastors' offices, strangling them; or trapping someone in a Sunday School room to inject them with drugs.
How in the world does General Hospital not have security cameras? Every gas station, ATM machine, and department store has a security camera. It is just ridiculous to think that GH has completely empty hallways and no security measures, especially around the chief of staff's office. Paul walked into Monica's office, already wearing his rubber gloves, with syringe in hand, so one would assume he was wandering the halls like that.
If Paul had to kill a nurse, why not gossipy Amy? I mean seriously -- she has no purpose in the storyline, and she's not connected to anyone. Why on earth would the writers kill off Sabrina, who is involved in storylines and involved in so many people's lives? My guess is Teresa Castillo made more money than gossipy Amy.
Oh, I just hate it so much.
I'm beginning to see why Tyler Christopher opted not to come back and why Bryan Craig is leaving, too. What's that saying about rats and sinking ships? Teresa Castillo is out now, too, and one can only assume that Richard Burgi will be out soon as well. (Unless, he gets the serial killer brain tumor pass like Franco got.) Losing those four actors probably saved GH at least $400k. I bet some ABC executive got a great bonus.
When Sabrina unexpectedly got hired back at the hospital, then we had that beautiful, sweet scene when Sabrina curled up with Liz for some girl talk at GH, and then Michael pulled out the giant, sparkly rock, telling everyone he was going to propose, I looked at my husband, who pretended he wasn't watching GH, and said, "She's going to die." "What do you mean?" he asked. I said "I mean everything is perfect, so they will feel compelled to kill her because the GH writers are allergic to happiness." Okay, I didn't really say that then, but I'm saying it now. What I said in the moment is, "Just trust me, she's going to die."
Now that she's gone, one can only assume that either A) Dr. Joe, Carlos' lame twin, will also leave Port Charles, or B) They are going to have a stupid custody case where Joe fights the Q's for baby Teddy. I'm pretty sure Dr. Joe could beat Michael, but there is no way he would beat Tracy. I hope it's a moot point because I want Joe to just leave. Teresa Castillo was a shiny light in Port Charles, and I'm sorry she's gone.
Marc Samuel as Felix DuBois gave such a moving performance on Friday's episode. He rarely gets this kind of material, but he proved this week that he is worthy of it. The friendship of Felix and Sabrina was one of the sweetest friendships on GH. I enjoyed the montage of all of their scenes together, but it almost felt a bit cruel because it seems like the writers just brought her back on after her maternity leave to kill her off.
Monica lived through being injected with derisifol by the hospital killer and had some wonderful, tender scenes with both Jason and Tracy. Sometimes I forget what magnificent performers Leslie Charleson and Jane Elliott are and how magical they are together. The reason I forget is because they get very few scenes these days. I am glad they got one this week despite the sad circumstances.
Monica remembered the smell of her attacker's aftershave and wondered if it is the same thing Michael or Dillon wear, but I think Paul is outside of the Axe Body Spray demographic. I'm guessing Aramis.
In other sad circumstances, Alexis is across town, trying to testify against her husband, but apparently got so looped from one glass of wine that she can't form a sentence. Or did I miss a scene where Paul or Ava slipped her something? I don't think so. I've seen Alexis drink. She can handle more than one glass of wine without losing her damn mind. Those swirly flashbacks made me think of Mr. Peabody and the Way Back Machine.
So, am I to believe that Alexis was so overwhelmed by remembering the loving words Julian said to her right before he tried to kill her that she can't focus and spit out her testimony? The one she rehearsed with both Molly and Diane? Please.
I know some of you think that is the case, and it's oh so romantic and you are celebrating it. I will refrain from calling you names, but I really want to call you names. You think it's romantic that Alexis would let the man who tried to murder her go free because he's just so hot? Ugh. I just threw up in my mouth a little.
As much as I loved Julexis before this storyline occurred, I honestly can't imagine under what circumstances I would be okay with Alexis going back to him. The writers would have to do some very fancy writing to undo that hot mess. Like the Dallas "It was all just a dream." Or the Franco, "A brain tumor made me bad, and now I am healed." But if it's just the lame, "So sorry I tried to murder you but I was really upset," then, no, no, no. I would definitely be her Diane friend telling her to put his butt in jail.
But please, please, readers, before you hate me, I need you to understand, I really, really want this couple to be fixed, to be saved, to be redeemed. I love Julexis! I just don't want abuse to be swept aside like it didn't matter. That's a very dangerous message to send. I want it to be addressed. I want it to be dealt with. Send Julian to anger management rehab. Make him do 50 sessions with Andre. As I stated earlier, I work in a church, so I believe in redemption; I believe broken people can be fixed. But I am going to need to see that play out to accept them together again.
If it is true that a murder confession would get thrown out of court because two numbers were transposed on a form, then our court systems are more messed up than I imagined. Are there any lawyers or law enforcement out there reading this? Please tell me that isn't true! Jordan swore she entered it correctly; what, did Paul hire Ferris Buehler to hack in and change the form? Side note -- Sonny's face when he found out the tape was inadmissible was priceless. If Julian gets off, Sonny is so coming for him.
In other Port Charles sorrows right now, Lulu has discovered that Daphne, the girl who helped them escape on Cassadine Island, has disappeared and that there is no record of her living at the address that Helena left her in her will. Lulu is dead set on going to Cassadine Island to search for her embryo. I can't decide if it's Helena who will be there, waiting for her, or Stavros. Maybe even Valentin. You never know.
Dr. Collins tried to make her think about what it would be like to raise Stavros' baby with Dante, but Lulu, in true Spencer form, is pushing ahead in spite of the logical advice she has been given. What do you think, readers? Will she find her embryo and carry the baby to term, or will someone push her down the stairs after she's pregnant. Hard to say these days in Port Charles.
Franco casually told Liz and Hayden that they are sisters. Is it just me, or did you also find that very anticlimactic? It was building up for a while, and then Franco just dropped the big secret into the air with no fanfare or drama. I was disappointed. These two women loathe each other, and their reactions were pretty tame. I wanted some hair pulling! If the rumors are true and they are recasting Jeff Webber, I would vote that they just track down Richard Dean Anderson and bring him back. MacGyver was canceled years ago, and the remake is coming out and it's not him, so -- give the guy some work. Then let Heather escape again! She's due for a BLT and a twisted romance.
Hayden and Finn's relationship is heating up, and I thought that was building to Nikolas' return. But now that Tyler Christopher isn't coming back, I'm not sure where that stands. Will Nick Stabile come back, or will they find someone else, or will they let Nikolas stay dead? I hope not. I love the character of Nikolas. I am heartbroken that Tyler is not coming back, and I hope that eventually he and ABC find a way to bridge their differences. He's such a soulful performer. A recast could work but could never replace our beloved Tyler.
What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Felix find Lucas and Brad keeled over in another exam room since they have been missing for months? Will the writers allow Sam and Jason to be happy long enough to have a honeymoon and a baby before ripping them apart and ruining their characters? Will Scott ever get curious about where his mystery evidence came from? Will Morgan sleep with Darby again, since he already has her STI?
Will Hayden's diamonds disappear from the PCPD -- or should I ask how long will it be before her diamonds disappear? Will we ever hear from some other missing persons the hospital killer may have offed? -- Max. Ric. Anna. Kristina, who vanished from Sam's wedding, never to be seen again? Will Paul get rid of his very fancy shoes and cufflinks, or are they sitting on a dresser in his room for Ava to poach? Will anyone else know the k.d. lang song I referenced in my title? Will GH think of installing security cameras or hiring some guards versus closing the whole damned hospital? Will Paul just start killing random people who annoy him now that he already has a half dozen under his belt?
Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.
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