What's your name? Who the (bleep) is your daddy?
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A whirlwind of emotions as secrets are exposed and daddies and names change with the season -- let's discuss on this week's Two Scoops.

Dear readers, sometimes little quirky soapy pet peeves start to bug me. This week, there are a couple. I'll start with the "What's your name?" part! Nina calls Nathan "Jay." Jackie calls Chase "Harry," Liesl calls Peter "Henrik," and Kim used to call Julian "Charlie." Luke used to call Alexis "Natasha" (but that one I loved). Right now, Sonny is "Mike." And Spinelli calls people whatever fanciful language pops into his head (which I adore). Jasper Jacks is called Jax. No one calls him Jasper, ever. Hamilton Finn is called Finn. Occasionally, someone calls him Hamilton. Bobby Frank was called Franco, but don't even get me started on Franco yet.

For those of us who watch regularly, this is all understood. But for the casual viewer, it's very confusing. It makes people less likely to stick around when they can't follow along with who is who. I'll expound on that shortly.

Next up the "Who the (bleep) is your daddy?" section of our discussion: my 88-year-old aunt is here visiting us, and I tried to explain what was happening on General Hospital.

"That guy is upset because he just found out that his brother is really his dad because that guy slept with his stepmom years ago." My aunt laughed hysterically. Like, she couldn't catch her breath. "That guy just found out that his mom isn't that lady who is the super spy. Instead, his mom is her evil twin, who is also a super spy, but for the evil side." Again, my aunt howled. "That guy is a hitman, and he got arrested because they think he killed the guy who was a serial killer but only because of a brain tumor, and now he's a nice guy." My aunt said, "Who writes this sh*t?" I had to explain to her that Franco was not the father of Liz's boys who were writing things to say at Franco's funeral but that they had three different dads and that the dad talking to Cam at the cemetery was a ghost. She begged me to stop. But I could not!

I said, "But wait! There's more!" The local Godfather of the mob has amnesia. Now, he is working as a bartender at some bar in Jersey, but his family thinks he is dead. She said, "How many years have you watched this?" Answer: 43. I started watching at 17, and I turn 60 on Monday! (If you are wondering what to get me for my birthday, just tell me on Twitter that I don't look 60.)

When you watch GH, you get sucked into this vortex of crazy. Trying to explain GH to my aunt made me realize that these plots are over the top, even for a soap. My husband, who pretends not to watch GH, walked in when Chase yelled, "I will never accept you as my dad! Jeff said, "Wait, is Chase mad at his brother for being his dad?" He also helped me try to explain to my aunt what was happening, and for someone who doesn't watch GH, he sure had a lot of points to contribute to the discussion.

Of course, the Hamilton/Chase (or Finn/Harry, if you prefer) drama may have been a lie. At the end of Friday's episode, we discovered that Cyrus had a hand in the DNA test to get revenge on Jackie for keeping his mother from him. So, I predict that Finn and Chase will be brothers again when Finn does the second DNA test at the other lab. This plot served to get out Jackie and Finn's one-night stand and may end up as a catalyst to have them fall into bed together again. Who knows?

Another topic my aunt found hilarious was when I saw Brook Lynn. I said, "It's a miracle!" that she didn't have a scar on her neck despite having her throat slit from ear to ear. How did this miracle happen? Plastic surgery? A potent cocktail of doTerra oils? New writers, who didn't know Brook Lynn had a slashed throat? Maybe they put the scar on the fill-in Brook Lynn? I don't know, but it bugged me.

What didn't bug me was Brook Lynn's pregnancy and the fact that Valentin is the daddy. A) I love him. B) He's a delightful and doting soap daddy. C) This will be a super juicy plotline. Papa, soon to be Grandpa, Ned is not as delighted as I am by the news. The scoundrel who took control of his beloved ELQ is now eternally tied to the family, and he looked a little green around the gills when BLQ dropped that bombshell.

When Ned went to the Q mansion, he thought the topic would be a reconciliation for him and Olivia. I love Wally Kurth, I love Lisa LoCicero, and I adore them together. But like many beloved couples of the past, it seems that the writers intend to keep them apart. Olivia has always cared more about family than anything else. She is a woman who never chased money even though Sonny would have showered her in it. Olivia works at the Metro Court despite being married to a Q.

She flew halfway around the world to visit her son just for a glimpse of his face because he means everything to her. But a little taste of danger got her hooked, and now she wants to become a spy? I am just not sure where the writers are heading. If she wants to see the world, I am certain Ned would put her on the Q jet and fly her anywhere her heart desired. Ned and Olivia could be this generation's Edward and Lila if the writers would allow it. A grand love story and the roots of the Q family tree for the upcoming generation.

This relationship between Ned and Olivia is part of a troubling pattern on GH. Make us fall totally in love with a couple and then totally ruin them. Julian and Alexis. Valentin and Nina. Liz and Franco! Jax and Nina. Michael and Sasha. Willow and Chase. Michael and Willow. Anna and Finn. Jordan and Curtis. Sam and Jason. Drew and Sam. Dante and Lulu. Can maybe someone be happy? Can Olivia forgive Ned and go back to annoying the Q's with her kitschy paper shamrocks for St. Patty's Day or something? I just want someone to be happy.

Note in my list, I didn't mention Maxie and Peter. Why? Because I am glad Maxie is done with Peter and finally realizes how dangerous he is. Here's the thing. I have heard lovely things about Wes Ramsey. Everyone seems to love him. Reportedly, he is a spectacular guy, he's very talented and creative, and he and Laura Wright are an adorable celebrity couple. But the character he plays has been written into a corner, and I don't know how Peter can come back from this. Peter murdered Franco in cold blood. He is responsible for Drew's plane going down. He held Jason captive for years as an active and willing participant. Either A) Peter has to die, and they can bring Wes back in six months as another character, or B) Peter needs to go on the run and come back in five years as a reformed man. But he can't keep committing heinous crimes without consequence.

Jason is in handcuffs for the murder Peter committed, and I'll start here. I hate Gladys. I feel like Cyrus will use her as a pawn to get Jason to cooperate, like, "Hey Jason, I'll get rid of that eyewitness for you, so you don't spend life in prison, if you let me move my crack through Port Charles."

I'm also perturbed at Liz for accusing Jason of murdering Franco. She has known Jason most of her life, and as Carly pointed out, Liz knows better than to think Jason would have done that to Jake. After this scene, my soapy-sudsy Twitter friends were in a heated discussion because Carly told Liz everything except that they believed Peter August was the actual culprit. After Peter's scathing article in the Invader about Franco's brain tumor being a danger to the people of Port Charles, and after Carly discovered that Franco confessed to Peter about hearing Drew's voice in his head, Liz might have believed Carly if she implicated Peter.

But Carly didn't say a word. Maybe Carly was afraid Liz would tip Peter off? I don't understand why she didn't tell Liz their theory. But her parting line was perfect, and I hope it pierces Liz's heart and makes her rethink her accusation: "As long as you cling to the lie that it was Jason, you're helping (Franco's real killer) get away with it."

I am still reeling from Franco's death. Liz and Franco's relationship flashback scenes made me cry, like actual tears pouring down my face, because I love watching people fall in love in real life and in art. It's the most beautiful thing. Their love story was so tender, and I enjoyed being reminded of their origin story. But then I got doubly mad that Franco got killed off. Liz had a love story with a man who loved her only for the first time in years. She found a man who loved her kids and stepped in as a father figure. Liz deserves that. She's one of my favorite characters on GH. She has made mistakes, but I see her as a genuine, hardworking woman, a loving mom who is flawed but still pretty perfect. You'd want her as a friend.

Watching her grieve Franco and see the art exhibit of the patients Franco had helped in art therapy made me cry again. Franco's story was one of redemption and second chances, two things I believe in wholeheartedly. I am sad that it is over. No matter what plans the writers have for Roger Howarth, it might take me a while to get over losing Franco.

William Lipton knocked every scene he had out of the park this week. He's so good, I get scared that someone else will snatch him up and take him away from us. I think he is a remarkable young talent, and I can hardly wait to see where that talent takes him.

Carly talking to Jason about her first cup of coffee -- letting her grief roll over her for just a minute -- was breathtaking. I heard some people online say that she was selfish, but I disagree. When you grieve someone, you suffer the little things and the big things. The cups of coffee and the little day-to-day mundane things that filled up your life with that person come to you in the most unexpected moments.

Dante's "They told me I was better" scene also got to me. He fought so hard and so long to get well and to get home. And now, he realizes he is still under the grip of someone other than himself. I am so glad Sam showed up when she did. I am starting to get invested in the two of them as friends. As soon as they cross the friend line and become an adorable couple, the writers will surely destroy them. Either Drew or Lulu will come home. Or maybe both.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Britt get the help she needs before it is too late? Will Ava sell the paintings from Franco's memorial and set up a college fund for Cam? Will Franco turn up alive and say Jason helped him fake his death to catch Peter? (I'm hoping) Will Dante's mental illness be enough to make Olivia stop playing Junior Spy with Robert and help take care of Rocco? Will Carly ever find a good cup of coffee? Will Ned convince Olivia to give him a second chance by putting on his leather pants and singing her a romantic Eddie Maine tune? Will Jordan become a regular at Curtis' nightclub? Will Nina have a fling with Mike at the Tan O and become impregnated by Sonny's magical sperm that can probably fix infertility? Will Anna take Violet for tea?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.
Tamilu

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