Better wed than dead: Beyond the Gates Two Scoops for the week of August 25-29, 2025

It was Kat on the case on Beyond the Gates

Are y'all ready to go Beyond the Gates? This week, Vanessa had a strange reason for jilting Joey, Ted had some mindbending ideas about how to fix his life up, and Derek decided the hair of the dog was the best treatment for his paralysis. Of course, Chelsea's disappearance affected most of the canvas: Hayley played her greatest hits of insecurity, Bill found out he and his daughter were both into girls, and Martin put himself on the line for his cousin. As for Chelsea, she was a total novice kidnap victim and an even worse bride! Let's fill up those Two Scoops and find out what happened inside and outside the gates of Fairmont Crest!

Feels like summer

You know how a personal tragedy can transform a person and set them on a new way of thinking? That didn't apply at all to our fallen firefighter, Derek Baldwin. Dude was up in the hospital pushing himself to do more and more physical therapy exercises, even though Shanice told him to pace himself. This me-big-caveman mentality is what got Derek paralyzed in the first place!

He wasn't satisfied with any progress he might be making – he wanted things to be happening faster. Hey, we've all been prone to that. But he's clearly not getting the message the universe very directly sent him. His one moment of insight came when he boo-hooed to Ashley that he was sure she thought he had brought his paralysis on himself. Amen, brother. Maybe those pain meds are kicking in.

That probably all sounds pretty callous, but our muscle-bound bit o' macho doesn't seem to learn. He already got a head injury months ago from making a risky run into a building out of his frustration over his relationship with Ashley. Here, he pulled a bogus bicycle move as a way of handling his breakup with Ashley. Dude doesn't grow. But then, Ash doesn't either, so maybe these guys really are perfect for each other.

Vanessa seemed to display a teeny bit of healthier relationship skills, but her reasoning raised questions for me. She sat Joey down to break things off with him...because she couldn't be with him while he was destroying Doug's life. Wait, what? You had no problem before, boofing Joey on a poker table while Doug suffered the repercussions of Joey's manipulations! Is the peroxide seeping in too deep?

The other head-scratcher is...Joey is not doing anything to destroy Doug's life at the moment. Joey already caused his damage, and Doug has been doing plenty to sabotage himself in its wake. So what is Vanessa even on about? The only thing that rang true here was Joey's assurance that Vanessa would be back. It was one of many unusual nonsensical moments the soap gave us this week...when they're usually very good about not being nonsensical.

Mercy mercy me

Everyone likely expected former model Chelsea to be fashionably late to her own purse launch...but when the minutes passed and she continued to be a no-show, her fam got the growing feeling that something was wrong. This bore out when Jacob found Chelsea's phone laying around the guest house she shares with Kat – who rightly commented that Chelsea was about surgically attached to the thing.

Jacob did some more sleuthing and noticed that someone seemed to have been dragged out of Chelsea's place. Direct and adjacent Duprees started to realize that all was not right, and Dani opined that there were two million suspects in the form of Chelsea's loyal followers. It took Madison to point the finger at Allison, and Bill had to wonder why his neurologist was on detective duty.

Turned out a possible kidnapping was no time to stand on ceremony, and Bill got some breaking news when Allison's romantic connection to Chelsea was revealed. In fact, no one was shy about discussing why Madison was hanging out at Casa Dupree, either. Chelsea needn't have worried; Bill did not, as she feared, have a bad reaction to the reveal of her sexual identity. He just wanted his girl to be happy!

Good on ya, Bill! He barely had time to process that important piece of information, however, when he saw Dani finding comfort in Andre's arms. Nicole seemed to enjoy the fact that, finally, she wasn't the last person to know something. Bill's topsy-turvy night continued when Hayley showed up after specifically being asked not to, determined to support her husband while his daughter was off the grid.

I couldn't fault Hayley for wanting to be at Bill's side as he suffered through the increasing likelihood that his youngest child had been abducted. And you gotta give Hayley points for standing tall as Naomi and Nicole railed at her very presence. But how many times are we going to watch Hayley getting all butt-hurt at the sight of Bill and Dani together? You know that's another reason Hayley ran over there, concern for Bill notwithstanding.

Granted, Bill shouldn't have been grasping Dani's hand on a public forum such as a live stream, even if the only reason for the vid was to plead for the release of their daughter. And Andre can miss me with looking all bent out of shape because of Dani and Bill's closeness. It was a crisis, and Dani still has bruises from dude throwing her over for Ashley. Ashley.

Speaking of whom, points for girlfriend showing concern for her bestie's sister, but I didn't think it was necessary for Ashley to wedge herself into the proceedings. Particularly because all it led to was Ash telling Andre she was glad they didn't actually get together. Derek needed her, she said, and Dani needed Andre. With the whiplash-inducing speed at which Andre and Ashley change their minds about each other, there is no more gas in this tank. Please give Ashley a different story already!

We gon' fight

We learned this week that there's no one like Leslie in an emergency. Deeming herself practically family to Chelsea through her monetary connection to Anita, Miss Leslie foisted a cactus into Anita's not-waiting hands as a show of sympathy. Even if she had to be reminded what Chelsea's name was. Classic Leslie, eh? Anita called Leslie depraved (she wasn't wrong!), and Bill's internal alarm flashed at the sound of Ms. Thomas' voice.

It was hard to dispute Leslie's sense of karma, though: she knew the gut-wrenching agony of being afraid that her child was going to be spirited away by Bill, and she saw no problem in pushing Bill's similar torment in his face. Kinda deserved it, yes? But we deserved the entertainment when Vernon be-my-guested Bill, who picked Leslie up and carried her out of the mansion. And Anita hugged him afterwards! Did you evah, y'all?

Prickly as her cactus, Leslie had more important matters on her mind – like getting the keys to her new digs across the street from the Duprees. Maybe, she told Eva and Vanessa, who couldn't stop wincing, she would paint the manse magenta just so Fairmont Crest's founding family would have to look at it. But slow your roll, Vanessa said. Leslie couldn't file a change of address card for 90 days because the original owners wanted to hang out until they found a new place to live!

Leslie wasn't thrilled! Naturally, she would have been less thrilled had she known Vanessa arranged that stipulation with the owners in order to stall Leslie. Impressive! Eva wanted to know why Leslie was so fixated on, as our promo material tells us, the “leafy” community. Leslie pointed to Ted, who was chilling with Andre at the country club bar. Not that that should have been a surprise. She still wants this dude!

One thing bummed Leslie out, though. She would have liked to have been able to give Jan and Mona guest passes to the association. It was just that Ms. Morgan and Ms. Wilson, respectively, didn't want anything to do with her. Shout out to the shout out to Leslie's former friendships! Mona, especially, has been AWOL for a while, so the reminder that she and Jan used to girl-talk with Leslie read as fully sweet.

Sweet wasn't what Leslie got, though, when Bill came over to Leslie's pad with its “cruddy popcorn ceiling,” as Leslie described it. Bill was heaps mad that he'd had to cut into his search for Chelsea to deliver his message! (We'll get into just how effective that search was in a minute.) Broken down to basics, Bill said that if Leslie didn't unbuy the pad opposite his former in-laws, he would make sure her new address was six feet underground! And her boots were shaking so hard she chained up her door after he left! Not so tough now, right, Leslie?

In my house

Ted did so many one-eighties this week, I felt like a basketball on the fingertip of a Harlem Globetrotter. He told Andre that he really ought to say something to Nicole while he still had a chance to save their marriage. All right, I'll be fair – the last time Mr. R tried to talk to Mrs. R, she wasn't having any of it. But Ted's game is all talk...and no action. Month after month after month.

He may be starting to absorb Leslie's M.O.s through osmosis, too, because, seeing how Andre and Dani were bonding over Chelsea's apparent kidnapping, Ted thought that same incident might give him an advantage with Nicole. Huh? Ted's not a self-serving character, but he sure took a step in that direction. And absolutely all of this was negated by the move he made beforehand.

Our guy sent Nicole a demand for some kind of financial audit to make sure assets would be split properly...but Nicole immediately sussed out that it was a stall tactic. Now, riddle me this, Batman: how did Ted think that throwing a monkey wrench into the divorce was going to make Nicole want to talk to him more about cancelling it? I just don't understand what the show was doing with Ted this week. None of it gibed.

Nicole – and the Duprees at large – were also not happy that Ted had retained Bill as his divorce lawyer! Yeah, Ted might have thought that one out a little better as well. As for Nicole, she finally wasn't the last to know – that honor went to Martin, who belatedly got clued in about his parents' impending divorce. And he put together that maybe, just maybe, Ted withholding all the poop about “Kenneth” had been the last straw.

Yeah, I can kinda see why. Nicole let Martin know that he personally had nothing to do with her ire toward Ted on that subject, and Marty surely can rest easy on that one. I'm glad the Richardsons are divorcing – there's no fixing that marriage. Now maybe Smitty can follow suit. Martin felt like they were inching closer to a reconciliation, but let's not forget that he was fully trying to control Smitty's life even before “Kenneth” was a thing! Hold strong, my Smits!

I think Tomás and Kat are going to fall apart, too. Eva had to tell him to be there for Kat while her cousin was missing. And then, during the lead-up to Eva asking Tomás to find some legal loopholes that could keep Leslie from making an ass out of herself at Fairmont Crest, there was a seriously charged, silent moment between them. Eva and Tomás are so much more on the same wavelength, and they have actual chemistry!

Eva putting Tomás on the case was only meant as backup, though. The main actor in Eva's chill-Leslie-out scheme was Ted...who took the next step in alienating Nicole forever. He went to Leslie, hellbent on talking her out of living across the street from his in-laws. So far, so good. His solution? She could move into his house! And Leslie wouldn't even have to buy it – it would be free!

Again, it's like Ted is purposely trying to drive the final nail into the coffin of his marriage. He told Eva that he thought Nicole would be grateful to him for getting Leslie out of her parents' sight lines...but he couldn't really have come to the conclusion that Nicole would run right back to him once she found out he gave away the home she is currently living in! Could he?

Make it make sense! There was a cute moment where Ted compared himself to Dylan from the original Beverly Hills, 90210, and Leslie subsequently compared herself to Brenda (though I don't remember Brenda poisoning Kelly with potassium). Well, the famed Brenda/Dylan romance of the '90s may echo into the mid-2020s, because Ted actually suggested that he might move in with Leslie and Eva at some point!

Just for the companionship, Ted told us. Because living out of a hotel for months sucks. I half thought Ted was just punking Leslie into giving up the Dupree-adjoining place, and that he'd later be all psyche! about deeding her his house. But no, it seems Ted meant it. He should know better than to give Leslie hope, which he totally did. Are we heading for a legit Ted/Leslie romance, like my Soap Central cohort Leigh thinks?

I must say, while Leslie rushing in where angels fear to tread is part of what makes her fun, it really isn't serving her well lately. She boasted to Anita about her inheritance from Barbara before she ever saw a quarter, and now she's barging into Nicole's place, telling her to pack up her “rusty, dusty things” because she was moving in! Shouldn't Leslie at least wait until her ownership of the house is official? Strategy, girl! It's called strategy!

The revolution will not be televised

All right. Let's talk about the manhunt – or womanhunt – for our Chelsea girl. Anita and Vernon got the FBI involved. Jacob said there would be K-9 units. Bill vowed to access his resources as a lawyer, while Martin promised to do the same as a congressman. Samantha wanted Smitty to use his investigative reporter powers. And Anita got Sharon and Tracy to put out the word to Articulettes fans everywhere.

Smartly, knowing how famous Chelsea is on social media, the fam alerted her fan base. And with ALL. OF. THAT...nobody could find s**t. How is that even possible? Supposedly every cop at Jacob's department dropped whatever they were doing as well (no wonder crime in D.C is up, har har), but there wasn't a single person able to find even the threadiest of leads...except Jacob. Sorta.

I know, we have to have someone in the cast doing the actual work, but it just defied any kind of logic. And even Jacob was only slightly efficient. I guess it counts to listen to crime podcasts, then, because Kat was the only one, from strangers to familiars, who was truly on the ball. 'Twas she who managed to find Allison's husband, Craig, and DM him to come meet her to talk about Chelsea!

And didn't Craig show up with an earful! He was a little reluctant at first, but Kat managed to get out of him that he had never actually been married to Allison at all. Rather, she had hired him out of an escort service run by Joey Armstrong! You know! The one Vanessa gets all her studs from! We even got a name for the place: Heart Attach. Clever – sincerely! Though I suppose it's not the heart that customers attach to there.

Kat skipped all the protocol and ran straight to Joey, begging the heartless man to turn over whatever info happened to be in Allison's client profile in the hopes that something would lead her to Chelsea. How awesome is it, our seventh month in, that we're still getting unusual combos of characters in scenes together? Kat and Joey? Who'da thunk it?

Joey was willing to open the files...if Kat could get her brother, Martin to meet with him. No one else knew what the demand meant, but Smitty had a pretty good idea, as Joey had been integral in getting rid of “Kenneth” and his threats against Martin. And cluck cluck, people! The chickens had come home to roost. Martin assented, and what Joey wanted was to be able to communicate with the politician any time he desired, without “intermediaries.”

As Martin didn't really have much choice, he gave in, and now he owes Joey big time. But wait. Didn't Martin alreadyowe Joey big time? In mid-July, Anita fretted how Martin had ended up in Joey's debt because of the way the casino owner had dispatched “Kenneth.” Yet Joey never mentioned that; it was like giving over Allison's info was the only marker that he was going to be able to call in. Thought I forgot, didntcha?

Kat and Jacob apparently were heading to this alternate address listed in Allison's Heart Attach profile. In their next scene, it seemed like they hadn't left yet – but they were already back. That was partially because the camera angle was exactly the same, and partially because this visit to Ally's place happened off-screen. GATES is starting to do too much of that. I realize it's not financially feasible to have a set for every locale, but how cool would it have been to see Jacob and Kat troll the pad themselves!

Another just slightly important event to occur off-screen was Kat having snagged a key from Allison's garage that evidently opened a storage locker. This was more Point A to Point C without going through Point B stuff, as was the cousins-in-law finding a thumb drive in said locker out of view to us; Jacob and Kat were just suddenly examining files on it. Guys! This was confusing. And it robbed us of the suspense of these unlikely partners scouring locations for clues!

We had already learned by this point that Allison had been tracking Chelsea for years and had interpreted innocuous posts by Chelsea as personal messages confirming that Allison and Chelsea were meant to be together. Yikes. I think this may be a cautionary tale about being careful what we put online. Kat had a feeling, though, much like when she was certain Eva was up to no good but no one would believe her.

Kat likened this heightened intuition to a grandmother she had on Ted's side. The word “grandmother” pinged for Jacob, who remembered reading in Allison's journal that she had been willed a remote cabin from her own grams. Hawthorne did a search and learned the place was in the wilds of Virginia. Road trip! Kat and Madison both insisted on accompanying the detective. Hey! Virginia is for lovers.

Hostage (can't let you go)

Now let's get into the kidnapping itself and the two focal points of it: Allison and Chelsea. I don't like to say this about a show I genuinely feel is refreshingly good (especially after 15 years of writing about B&B, which is now a genetically defective clone of a clone of itself)...but Chelsea's captivity plot has been pretty underwhelming. To begin with, Allison being the abductor was very, very predictable.

GATES has gotten good at last-second pivots and bread crumbs purposely left in the wrong direction to fake us out. So I had a feeling that Craig might be responsible, or perhaps someone from this other company which had sued ChelseaKat for copyright infringement might have seen fit to literally remove Chelsea from the competition on the night of her launch triumph. But nope, it was crazy Allison after all. Which nobody saw coming, right?

The other aspect is, Allison is not particularly riveting as a villain. It's not that portrayer Brianna Roberts isn't doing her best with the material, and, through her, Allison has had a spooky moment here and there. But Chelsea doesn't seem to be in any tangible peril, which has been gnawing away at any edge-of-your-seat response I'm sure the soap was hoping to generate in us.

Then there's Chelsea herself. We know that she's been raised with great advantages and has never really had to do much of anything for herself. So it tracks that she was out of her element when she woke up in the cabin...at first. Once she found out Allison was her captor, Chels should have at least made an attempt at being proactive. Her very subconscious was clamoring for it.

I don't know if they were meant to be daydreams or actual visions, but Chelsea found herself in the dream-like company of selected loved ones, all of whom had recommendations for the abductee. Dani wanted Chelsea to work the angles and tap into Allison's fantasies to gain control. Bill likewise suggested charm to keep Allison off balance. Anita exhorted Chelsea to listen for clues.

Kat asked, “What does she know that you need to know?” And, finally, Madison popped in to remind Chelsea to stay calm. Very good advice, all. Did Chelsea follow any of it? No! It was like she went out of her way to do the opposite, antagonizing Allison, calling her crazy, harshly refusing her come-ons. Chels even threw over the dinner table filled with all of her Uptown favorites.

From the visions/daydreams, I was looking forward to Chelsea playing cat-and-mouse with Allison, maybe using the dinner to sway Allison in her direction, wearing down her guard. Too bad Chelsea didn't end up listening to her own inner voice. I was reading on soap socials that many of you were ready for Chelsea to beat her ass! But all Chelsea did was knock Allison over a couple of times and bite her lip when Allison tried to make out with her.

Chelsea yanked a few times on the chain that connected her handcuffs to the bed. Was the bed bolted down? Surely Chelsea could have moved the bed a few inches so she could reach Allison's phone, which Allison stupidly left out. Could Chelsea have not agreed to embrace Allison and then wrap the chain around her neck? This is what I meant by there not being much in the way of stakes in this abduction plot. And, for a show as good as GATES, it was rather surprising.

The one chilling moment Allison got was when she suggested that, should she die, by Chelsea's hand or otherwise, the handcuffed Chelsea could eat her body to sustain herself a little longer before she wasted away. Dude! That was some horror movie level stuff, and it finally gave us a peek into just how sick Allison is. So, why, after that gruesome flex, did Allison go out for the night and leave Chelsea alone?

And how, given she was alone for hours, did Chelsea not figure out a way to get herself free? Maybe grab one of those plates off the wall and break it so she could have a weapon? I'm afraid the only word I can use for the execution of this plot is “misfire.” I guess GATES was due for one, six months in.

There's one other thing I need to mention here. For years, Hollywood had this trope where non-straight characters, usually gay men, ended up being the insane criminals in movies and met fatal ends which seemed to be payment for not observing societal norms. That hasn't been as much of a thing the last few decades, but I worry about that coming across in the LGBTQ+ Allison victimizing Chelsea. Maybe it balances because Chelsea is LGBTQ+ also. Couldn't help thinking about this.

Ribbon in the sky

For all that, I will admit that things picked up once Allison donned a wedding dress and decided she and Chelsea were going to get married right then and there. Ally showed some deeper aggression when she told the reluctant Chelsea that she'd find ways to make her cooperate – and she whipped out a butcher knife to finally get Chelsea to accept her twisted proposal. Now we were getting somewhere!

Viewers also got the answer to a question many were asking all week: if Allison was the one who rejected Chelsea, why was Allison acting like the spurned lover? To play hard to get, it turns out. What's a little reverse psychology between friends? It was delicious, the way Allison (badly) smeared some lipstick on Chelsea so she'd be made up for the ceremony and stuck a veil in Chelsea's hair.

Of course Allison's vows were going to be gushy and stalkerish, but it was Chelsea's vows that were astute. With no hint of sarcasm, Chelsea said she'd never known anyone like Allison. She would do her best to keep Allison calm, and be exactly the wife that Allison deserved. That was some good stuff! Alas for Chelsea, things went south when it came time to kiss the bride.

Chelsea finally deigned to give Allison a quick peck on the lips. Then Allison quoted Shakespeare and popped off that a pompous man had once said the classics were lost on her – and now he was dead! Whoa! What did that mean? If Jacob hadn't said that Allison's parents were in Hawaii, I would have come to the conclusion that Allison had committed patricide!

She did, however, inch closer to uxoricide (real word; who says columns aren't educational?). After struggling to cut the cake (that sucker must have been marzipan; I remember friends having difficulty slicing through their own marzipan gateau), Allison wanted the honeymoon and tugged on Chelsea's tether menacingly...only to release it and joke that she was “just yanking your chain.” (Admit it – that was a good one.)

Chelsea could only take so much, though, and drew the line at consummating their marriage (which I suspect, Allison being able to officiate weddings aside, can't be legal). She wasn't gonna let Allison get it. ever! Though it was a nice touch when Chelsea added that Allison deserved better than to be with someone who loved someone else.

That didn't pacify Allison one bit, and she grabbed the cake-covered knife, looking ready to frost Chelsea! If she couldn't have Chelsea, then nobody could! Okay, a typical line from a typical thriller. But now Chels is in real danger! Will the trio of Jacob, Madison, and Kat get to Virginia in time to stop Allison from sacrificing Chelsea on their wannabe altar? The suspense! The suspense!

And you'd better like suspense...because GATES is once again skipping a week and stuffing it with reruns. Dafuq? They're doing so well overall, and their ratings are on par with General Hospital – why do they keep taking breaks? Is it their decision, or is it coming from the network? Gah. It's stupid in either case. The only upside is getting to see Leslie exposing Ted at the Richardsons' anniversary party again...oldTed, that is!

This brings us to the end of another Two Scoops, D.C. Edition. Say your “I dos” (as in “I do like this, I do not like that”) in the comments below. And, if you want us to do up more Beyond the Gates content, say the word! Until next we meet, Scoopers, live your life beyond!

(Purchase Adam-Michael James' ”Bewitched” books on Amazon.)

(Listen to isletunes, AMJ's podcast featuring nothing but music from the artists of Prince Edward Island, Canada.)