Tie-ing one on: Beyond the Gates Two Scoops for the week of September 15, 2025

They grow up so fast on Beyond the Gates

Are y'all ready to go Beyond the Gates? This week, Samantha continued her journey into womanhood but wanted a woman's guidance, Doug got fixed by The Fixer, and Kat may have an unspoken reason for not grooving on Tomás. Elsewhere in D.C., Derek and Ashley seemed to dance around the true motives for their upcoming marriage, Dani and Andre wanted to make things happen in Vegas that stayed in Vegas, and one tie got Ted into a ton of trouble! Let's fill up those Two Scoops and find out what happened inside and outside the gates of Fairmont Crest!

Mama said knock you out

FEBREZE WATCH: 1

Okay. Nicole needs to put down her air freshener (that she probably foisted on her son and son-in-law, given its presence in their home!) and take a well-upholstered seat. She campaigned for Smitty to forgive Martin, but our intrepid reporter (who never reports) turned them tables right quick. Because wasn't it hypocritical for Ms. Nick to preach absolution when she absolutely wasn't granting Ted any?

Glad Smitty pointed that out! Later, Martin told Smitty that his coldness was hurtful. Aww, poor baby. Then ya shouldn't've tripped! Smitty maintained that he needed time but was well aware that Martin was liable to push until he got what he wanted. Ya think? Don't forget, Smitty, yo man told you that you couldn't take a job again and actively worked to make sure you didn't get one! Hurtful, my ass. I can't with this guy.

Martin then became father confessor when Samantha came to him, of all people, to tell him that she had – get this – almost lost her virginity to Nathan? Wait, what? At least the amorous Nameless Boy finally got a name, if not some, but that's a really important development to have happen off-screen. GATES is starting to do that a little too often. Last we heard, Samantha was the one who wanted to pick up where she and Nathan had left off! Kissing, I mean.

So when did that turn to sex? I don't know, but Samantha let Martin, and us, know that she was almost a woman – yet there were no female role models within close proximity that she could navigate these feminine things with. What about Nicole or Kat, Martin wondered? By extension, there would also be Anita, Dani, Naomi...they were great, Samantha said, but they were always dealing with shizz and wouldn't cut it, anyway. It was June whom Samantha wanted to unload on.

Tyrell heard this and made any number of chess moves to stop his sis. June had left the two of them cold and hungry while out drugging, and besides, there was no way of knowing that June didn't still have a needle in her arm somewhere! Or whatever she used. Have to say it – Tyrell wasn't wrong. Though he did overstep, and Smitty called him out on it. After that, the teens stomped upstairs, and it was Martin who kept Smitty from following.

According to Martin, Samantha and Tyrell had to work their issue out for themselves. Quite astute! But isn't that the exact same thing Smitty told Martin when Tyrell was dealing with the humiliation of his underwear pic making its way around his school, only for Martin to run straight to the principal after receiving that advice from his husband? If I didn't know better, I'd say that Martin was working the angles.

If he was, Smitty let himself be swayed by it, because he liked how invested Martin had become with the kids – it reminded him of the man he had fallen in love with. Not gonna let this go: Smitty said Martin had been so involved at first, until he got busy with Congress, yadda yadda yadda. More points against Martin. No, I don't think his deception surrounding “Kenneth” should be thrown up to him forever, but I also don't feel he deserves a reunion with Smitty. Stay strong, Smits!

While Samantha was indeed working things out with Tyrell, their biomom, June, was ready to serve at Orphey Gene's, having gotten a waitressing job there. The now-clean, now-housed recoverer proudly announced to Naomi and Jacob that it was basically her first-ever real job! Maybe that's why she brought the Hawthornes the wrong food and made gastronomic choices for customers instead of letting them order for themselves.

Taking orders wasn't part of her training? The manager, Eric, just threw her out on the floor without shadowing her for a little while? He apparently saw enough that he approached Naomi with his evaluation of June, and Naomi took it upon herself to give June his pink slip. I was sure the story would be that June would run back out and use drugs again – or at least be tempted by them.

But June got a save when the customer she'd given an omelette to – when the woman clearly wanted something else – went to bat for her. The diner was supposed to be about heart. And so, June got her second chance and learned that she had to write orders down. Had never been to a restaurant before? But she had been a mother, at least for a little while, and she was surprised as hell to see her kids walking in on cue.

Miss June (still don't have a last name for her after all these months) had gained the foresight to tell Samantha that she couldn't keep talking; she was at work. Sam realized this and asked if they could sit down sometime and talk girlie stuff. June was so ready, and it was actually a sweet moment. Rooting for June here...but girl, you watched As the World Turns. You know how Al's Diner worked!

Not tonight

Anita thought she'd tricked the now-reclusive Chelsea into coming over via the temptation of helping her pick out redecoration color schemes. But Chels announced, as soon as she rolled into the Dupree mansion, that she'd seen through the ruse, which made it surprising that she even showed up. Maybe she was already doing better, because she did up her hair right fierce.

When Gram started trying to encourage Chelsea to reschedule the purse line launch, the original of which was pre-empted by Allison, Kat understood Chelsea's reluctance, and her ride on “the struggle bus.” Why? Because Kat had messed things up with Tomás. Um, for real? Kat picked this moment to make things about her? We know Brat Kat is super self-centered – which kind of makes her character adorable – but when it comes to her cousin, she's usually in all the feels.

La Dupree heard about how Kat had flamed Tomás for being “an Eva apologist” and wisely said that the one who made the mistake was the one who had to correct it. Chelsea had a different viewpoint: maybe the right guy would trust Kat's instincts! Tell it, girl! But since Tomás wasn't responding to any of Kat's hails, she bounced and headed to Orphey Gene's while Anita kept up her gentle nudging of Chelsea.

Chelsea was not about doing a big public ChelseaKat event with the press in attendance – not only would they inevitably ask her about the kidnapping, but they'd probably grant Allison a “jailhouse interview.” This would happen in the world we're living in right now. Well, Anita had the perfect solution. Chelsea and Kat could do an online launch!

And Chelsea acted like this was some novel idea! Excuse me, but isn't she the girl who, up until she became Allison's shackled bride, lived her life online? Including live streaming her dad's wedding, which made Dani's shoot-'em-up antics go viral? Anita purred that her concept was au courant – and it is – but that should have been the first thing that came to Chelsea's mind. Girl really is off her game!

This should have occurred to Kat as well, but I guess she was too busy feeling bad that she'd once again gone off on Tomás. No wonder he questioned the timing of their relationship when Kat arrived wanting to add another olive branch to his collection. It had just hurt her to be classified as a “mean girl” (if the designer shoe fits, baby!), and she swore she could be better. Like we haven't heard that before.

Tomás wanted their romance to work, so he accepted the apology and arranged the Hallmarkiest of dates, blindfolding Kat and bringing her to a rose-strewn hotel room supplied with champagne and a fancy dinner. Kat was all for it until she noticed that the hotel room also came with a bed. Maybe her distraction was why the ChelseaKat video she showed Tomás hyped the launch as happening “Tuesday, September 29.” September 29 is a Monday.

After dining, Kat decided she wanted dancing, and after a few sways, she and Tomás sat on the bed and started undressing. The next thing we knew, Kat was bummed, and Tomás wanted to fix whatever wasn't working that had caused their lovemaking to grind to a icy-cold halt. “So sorry I ruined your fun,” Kat spat instead, rejecting any communication on the subject...except to say that maybe it was Tomás that sucked in bed...and not in a good way!

Well, that night was over. And clearly, this is a recurring problem for these two. I'm no Dr. Ruth (“trrry da body wash!”), but here's my take: Tomás is fine as a lover, but Kat doesn't really want him touching her...because he also has a thing for Eva. Makes sense, does it not? Kat did see them nearly kissing, and how many times has she caught them holding hands? Would you wanna sex someone knowing you didn't have their full attention? Therapy session over. Five cents, please!

You make me wanna

Here's another couple who would benefit from therapy...Derek and Ashley. I don't know if you're as done with these two as I am, but we gotta talk about 'em. Even though she had just ruminated hours before that she and Andre would have been a couple had they not had their misunderstanding about Dani and Derek hadn't been paralyzed, Ashley was ready to put a ring on it with Derek.

I'm sure Derek must be heavily medicated, but through it he actually had some moments of clarity. He wondered why Ashley would want to marry a paraplegic (we did find out that his “prowess” is at least “fully functional,” ahem) – and he had to consider the possibility that Ashley was simply in love with the idea of nursing him. That fits for me, because Ashley suddenly wanting Derek again doesn't track otherwise.

After Ashley coated him with a primer about quiet heroes whose biggest achievement was to move one toe and then another six months later (I'll admit it; good speech), Derek couldn't wait to be “Mr. Ashley Morgan” – though tell-it-like-it-is Shanice questioned the 180 when she heard the news. My girl doesn't even come to play – she knew Derek was getting feeling back in his legs to some degree...and proceeded to prove it.

While annoying Derek by telling him the truth about how Andre was still hovering around (and you know dude had a flashback to hearing Ashley telling 'Dre that they would have been together were it not for circumstances), Shanice craftily took out a big ol' cotton swab and broke the stick in half...so she could abruptly poke Derek in the thigh with it. And he felt it! Snagged, Derek told Shanice that he hadn't mentioned the progress to Ashley because he didn't want to get her hopes up.

Which I bought...until Shanice made the argument that Derek was just afraid Ashley wouldn't want to marry him if he recovered. Break off some truth, girl! Derek was so exposed, he barked that Shanice telling Ashley about his improvement would be a violation of HIPAA. Yeah, he knows. Shanice replied that it was all right for Derek to be afraid, but not for him to be a jerk. Too late!

Derek also gave away his game when Ashley brought Andre in and got all territorial about the engagement. I'll keep saying it: these two need to break up and go their separate ways. Or, get married and leave D.C. together. As for Andre, he was all butt hurt because he'd thought Ashley was his “forever ever after!” After two botched dates? Even #DrunkDani knew that Andre was full of baloney on that one!

What you been drankin' on

Speaking of whom...well, let's backtrack first. I just told you that Andre was mega boo-hoo because of losing the girl he didn't even have a relationship with. Then there's the couple who actually did have a relationship, and a 30-year marriage, at that: Bill and Dani. The exes reminisced over pix of Chelsea, and Dani remembered when Chelsea wanted a bat mitzvah so bad – even though the fam isn't Jewish – that she ended up being thrown a “not-mitzvah.”

Dani thought it would perk Chelsea up to have a repeat, and Bill loved the idea. Not so much Hayley, who saw her hubs huddled with Dani and burned up her phone line calling Tomás...because, ya know, they needed to work on Bill's surprise party. (I hope Bill actually gets to celebrate his B-Day next month; it's twice been said his day is in October.)

And here this came up again: Hayley didn't know much about Bill's pre-Dupree life, outside of the fact that he was a smart kid and had had a difficult father. I'm tellin' ya, the stage is being set for the appearance of Bill's papa! I hope it's soon! Anyway, Tomás didn't think Bill would like a tribute video that included his past – Hayley heard Bill coming and began touchin' on Tomás, cooing that she'd never seen that side of him before.

Yeah, honey, you tried it – but Bill knew you were up to some foolery! After he privately called her on it, Hayley said that at least Bill now had an idea of what it was like to have his person all chummy with a rival...and impressed upon her man that he needed to go remind Dani that she was the only woman in his life. So Bill did, and if ever there was someone who got her parade rained on...

Dani's quills shot out at the very mention of Hayley's name, and it only got worse from there when Dani proclaimed that now they couldn't have their party for Chelsea because of Hayley. I didn't get that result out of what Hayley wanted to convey, but okaaaay? Bill looked whipped as Dani grunted that she hoped Hayley's influence wouldn't bring him back to a place where he started ignoring their daughters again. Ouch. True, but ouch.

The country club must've run short on alcohol at the rate Andre was drinking, and by how much Dani matched him when she joined him at its bar. Dani named drinks and wanted Andre to be her “player tutor” (“Don't care” was his first rule; we didn't get any other ones) – but when all Andre wanted to do was booze it up, Dani correctly recalled how he had gotten in her face months earlier when she had been soaking in vodka.

Double standard noted! But it does make me wonder – is Dani really an alcoholic after all? That's where the show was going in the beginning, but they dropped it. Dani was back to form at Fairmont Crest; whatever happened to her returning to modeling to give her and Pamela's agency the hype it needed? Well, Dani and Andre were so hyped, the bartender cut them off, and they decided to head to the airport to go on a sudden trip that had come up in their slurred conversation.

I'm surprised these two didn't end up in ambulances with alcohol poisoning while drenching at the airport bar. Andre wrote two possible destinations on napkins for Dani to pick...she chose the one that read “Vegas.” Actually, they both read “Vegas,” and 'Dre suggested that, while in LV, they could gamble...overeat...“get hitched”... I don't think Dani really caught on, though she loved the scandal factor of all the Fairmont Crest peeps seeing their wedding photos on socials.

How much you wanna bet these two wake up heavily hungover – and married? For sure, they're gonna join the soap twosomes who get wedded for the wrong reasons while out there in the 702 (and 725 if you count the overlay). But would they really be such a bad permanent couple? For all of Andre's fawning over Ashley, he's got serious emotions for Dani, and Dani was willing to go public with their affair at the Articulettes concert! Here, let me go grab some rice to throw at these two...once they've sobered up.

Friend or foe

I knew that after Doug saw Vanessa all over Joey like one of his cheap suits, he'd wanna reboot his plan to take Joey down. The one Doug tabled when Vanessa threatened to take away his allowance, basically. Can I say this here? Doug is such a pussy man! And Randy knew it...when Doug proclaimed that he still loved Vanessa despite her sleeping around on him, Randy snorted, “I guess some guys can just handle being cucks better than others!”

Tell it like it is, Randy! I think now that it's the show's intention to make Doug so weak. Dude tried to get Randy to settle his cuck comment in the alley, and Randy didn't even take the flex seriously. Because Doug has no conviction! He talks a big game, but does nothing. Well, except go to Bill for help with busting Joey for money laundering...while somehow absolving Vanessa of all blame.

Honestly, Doug should let Vanessa hang for the constant emasculation, even if the McBrides did agree to an open relationship. She's just awful to him. But Doug felt he owed it to Vanessa to keep her name clear because of how he'd dragged her into Joey's orbit in the first place, and I'll give him that. Took a stand there, he did. Too bad he didn't stick with his original plan to have Jacob investigate Joey tasking his employees with committing murder.

Not that Doug didn't mention that to Bill – it was just that Bill's radar pinged when he did. Afterwards, Mr. Hamilton ditched his wife, and the makeup sex they were supposed to have, leaving Hayley all alone in their very pink living room. Used to be Bill was stuck to Hayley's side as if he had Krazy Glue on his suits, but either he's lost interest in his still-new bride, or he's fallen into the neglect that he subjected Dani to.

Meanwhile, Vanessa was at Uptown with Joey, who delighted her by handing her a thick stack of cash. In fact, she wondered why she hadn't gotten into money laundering sooner and dared Joey to tell her that she had become “a pretty good criminal!” Yeah, looks like Vanessa has crossed that line, and it's all the more reason Doug should divorce her derrière and let the chips fall where they may as to whether or not she gets arrested.

Would the McBrides' grown-up kids, Donnell and Deanna, who I hope we see sometime soon, be okay with their mom being a moll? (Look it up.) Joey didn't care that she was, but he did take issue with why Vanessa still cared even a little bit about Dougie. The realtor-turned-lawbreaker informed Joey that Doug had been her first; they had known each other since high school, and therefore, she couldn't just turn off any and all feelings for the guy.

Joey wanted to hear Vanessa say that she loved him, but she wouldn't – at least not until after he grabbed her arm to keep her from leaving. Then she got that cowed, hostage video expression that reads to me “I'm being domestically abused.” Guess she likes that, though, because she admitted that, ultimately, “I really am a one-man kind of girl.” That man just isn't Doug, amirite?

So Bill found Vanessa snuggling up to Joey and wanted her to leave so he and Armstrong could do some manly things, but she wasn't about going anywhere. When she finally agreed to vamoose, only after she defiantly kissed Joey in front of Bill, the lawyer could tell that Joey had it bad for this chick. Joey tried to act like his only interest was that Van-Van was good in bed, but you don't try to fool The Fixer.

Being fooled by The Fixer, that's another thing. Randy was right that Bill couldn't be trusted – Billy Goat ran right to Joey and spilled every ounce of tea about Doug wanting him to help take Joey down. Bill even mentioned that Doug had put at least some of the pieces together about “Kenneth”'s body being found in the park. Joey wasn't worried about that, but he did assess that Doug could do some damage by showing the cops Vanessa's accounting.

Joey told Bill that he would handle Doug – so Doug better hope that Randy's plan to engage a “confidential source” to determine “which way the wind was blowing” with his former employer works. Because Dougie just outed himself to Joey via Bill and will be wearing cement shoes in the Potomac if Randy doesn't step in. See, Doug? Shoulda just gone to Jacob like you originally wanted to! Vanessa didn't need to know!

Neither McBride needed to know about Bill, apparently, because when they met for dinner at the club and ran into Bill, it became clear that they had each had a conference with the attorney...yet the marrieds immediately lied to each other about it. Get one'a them banquet room forks and stick it in these guys, because they're done. Do y'all really still wanna see this couple together?

Dr. Knockboot

You'd think Eva would know by now not to tell her mother anything – especially if it involves Ted. But no, Eva had to blab to Leslie about how she'd found Ted drunk in his hotel, pining for Nicole and still stinging from the first-class trolling she and her family had subjected him to regarding placing monetary bets against him. The joker saw the Jim Beam and raised it some Wild Turkey, to the point Eva had to put him to bed...or rather, couch.

Leslie couldn't wait to run right over to Ted's hotel – though, of course, she had been having a very good day so far. She had showed up at the Dupree mansion to tell Anita and Vernon that – surprise! – she had been able to buy the house across the street after all. She was going to tear down the existing residence and have something built out of mahogany (do you know...where you're going to?), plus put in a moat.

All the construction was surely going to make a lot of noise – and the glittery garden trolls would surely shine bright light into the Duprees' living room. Except when Leslie indicated where they would be, she pointed to the end of the room opposite the front door. That would mean the houses share backyards and therefore they're not across the street from each other. I'd say that was a blocking error, but Nicole indicated the same direction later. What gives?

So yeah, Leslie found Ted all liquored up and decided that was the time to get her seduction on. Did she really think his, er, “prowess” was going to work with him in that condition? I guess it must have, because despite Ted's protests, he eventually gave in, and, to hear Leslie tell it, their boot knocking was just as good as it had been back in the day. I'll skip the consent issue, but only because the show did.

Later, Leslie greeted her awakening lover with the revelation that they had gotten back together, but that was news to Ted, who instantly covered Leslie's non-stop mouth when Eva came knocking on the door. Leslie joked that if Ted was going to get rough with her, they should have a safe word...”like 'peaches'.” The nickname you gave the woman who raised you qualifies as a safe word? Ms. Thomas is into some seriously bizarre kinks.

Ted unsurprisingly told Leslie that he had only hit the sheets with her because she was there and he'd been drunk, which made Leslie feel like a side piece. She was dejected as all hell, but what did she expect? The wind taken out of her sails, Leslie promised not to divulge the ugly bumping to Eva...but of course such divulgence was the first thing she did...in a kind of code that let Eva figure it out for herself.

Eva was all “eww gross!” and confronted Ted, accusing her pop of using her mom and letting him know she'd already warned him about what would happen if he gave Leslie any reason to get her hopes up. And, though Leslie had been wounded by Ted spurning her, she had already rewritten the story to go that Ted only said certain things because he was expected to. Ted really did want her!

This was right about the same time Nicole was telling Anita that damn it, her head told her to stay as far away from Ted as possible, but her heart still loved the guy. For that reason, she had been coming to the conclusion that maybe she should give her marriage one more shot after all. Anita told the shrink that she was probably just afraid of going forward without Ted after so many years. Who has the psych degree in this family?

Anita likely had other things on her mind, anyway. She and Vernon had just managed to pull Leslie's country club membership, and Vern was on a call with Bill to see about yanking her Fairmont Crest welcome mat out from under her. Next on the list was a yap with the Homeowners Association. Good move, even if Leslie does always seem to be ten steps ahead of everybody. When is she going to jail? “Above the law” is not a good look right now.

When Leslie got a you're-outta-here visit from the country club president, she flipped it on his ass and offered to buy the place a sports wing – that would be named after her! How much money does Leslie have? Barbara's royalties couldn'ttotal in the billions. The founding member of The Articulettes got more of her due after Leslie bragged to Anita and Nicole about her membership pivot – and presented Nikki with Ted's tie.

Leslie came to Anita's table and damn near begged her to tell her something – anything – about newly-found mama Barbara. “Go screw yourself,” came Anita's reply, though Leslie's vulnerability seemed so real that Anita shelved her idea of taking off her earrings (code for “Imma scrap on your ass”) and actually shared how Barbara had been smart and scrappy and scared of no one...

...which is why it had been so surprising when Barbara had killed herself. Leslie couldn't get enough as Anita described how Barbara had made their group matching dresses by hand – and, by the time Anita was through, Leslie was practically in tears thanking Anita for “everything”...and Anita couldn't even understand why she'd opened up to that skanky Leslie. Or why she had been so moved by Leslie's reactions.

Nicole was having her own reactions about Ted maybe/probably sexing Leslie – the tie Leslie had spiked had been a monogrammed number that Nicole had had specially made for her man. Vanessa is crap when it comes to her own marriage, but she imparted solid counsel to Nicole that it did no good to get into unknowns with her; Nicole needed to get the story straight from Ted.

Unfortunately for Nicole, that story was filled with brown stuff and didn't smell nearly as sweet as her beloved Febreze. Nicole thrust the tie at Ted, who tried to front, being all, “Well, Leslie must have snuck into my room to grab the tie.” But he finally realized that he was starting to do the lying that had already caused so much damage with Nicole – and made himself get real. Yes. He'd had stupidly had drunken sex with Leslie.

Nicole was not happy! And Ted couldn't figure out why, since she was already divorcing him and lunching with that brick house Carlton. (He's migh-tay migh-tay!) Nicole admitted that she cared about his sleeping habits – because it gave her “something powerful that I can use against your ass in court!” Whoo! Like Doug, Ted is also done. Could Leslie's fantasy about Ted coming to her and tying her up all kinky-like be coming true sooner than she knows? Unless she's in jail, finally?

This brings us to the end of another Two Scoops, D.C. Edition. Tie yourself down with all your opinions in the comments below, and until next we meet, Scoopers, live your life beyond!

(Purchase Adam-Michael James' ”Bewitched” books on Amazon.)

(Listen to isletunes, AMJ's podcast featuring nothing but music from the artists of Prince Edward Island, Canada.)