'Til death do us part, literally: Beyond the Gates Two Scoops for the week of September 22-26, 2025

That's not always what friends are for on Beyond the Gates

Are y'all ready to go Beyond the Gates? This week, Chelsea and Eva channelled Dr. Ruth, June made a surprising new connection, and Leslie actually used her newly-acquired superpowers for good. Meanwhile, Andre and Dani might have gotten married in Las Vegas, but Derek and Ashley are taking the bigger gamble, and ding-dong, the Doug is dead – or is he? Let's fill up those Two Scoops and find out what happened inside and outside the gates of Fairmont Crest!

Let's talk about sex

FEBREZE WATCH: 0

No air freshener this week? No orange jugs of laundry detergent? Just as well, because Kat's linens remain as pure as snow, since she didn't give Tomás any sugar sugar – and she finally told Chelsea about it. After what was apparently the first father-daughters dinner between Bill, Chelsea, and Naomi, Kat got a moment alone with her cuz and spilled all the Tomás tea. “Girl, it was a catastrophe!” she moaned.

Should that not be...Kat-tastrophe? Aw, I couldn't help it. Anyway, Chelsea cut right through the hooey and told Kat that she had overreacted. To her view, Tomás had been trying to open up a discussion with Kat about their much-lacking sex life – except Kat heard “broken,” thought he was referring to her and not that aspect of their romance, and lashed about by telling Tom-Tom he sucked as a lover!

I still hold that the real issue is Kat can't relax into making love with Tomás because she knows he also wants Eva – whom she hates more than mismatched separates. But that's not the hill the show wants to die on with her. The rationale Kat's been given is that she feels so much societal pressure, that if sex isn't perfect, it spells doom for a coupling.

Yes, unfortunately, that is the message we get – through novels and TV shows and movies and songs. And, dare I say, porn hasn't helped. So I can understand Kat having this kind of performance anxiety. But what Chelsea told Kat last week still holds true – the right guy would trust Kat's instincts about Eva instead of doing everything he can to stand up for Ted's other daughter.

Kat and Tomás are wrong for each other, and it's time for these two to cut their losses and run. Especially since Tomás is over here telling Eva inappropriate things about her half-sister. Seriously! Who confides in someone they have the hots for that their current partner is lacking in the bedroom? I don't think Señor Navarro has been listening much in those meetings meant to make his workplace better for women.

Lucky for Kat, Eva shockingly took the highest of roads and advised Tomás to treat Kat like a person instead of shining a spotlight on their sex life. Because Eva easily could have driven the final nail into that couple; Tomás is ready to bust. And now Leslie is giving Eva the go-ahead to make a play for Tomás herself, because clearly Eva is the better option. Can't argue with Dana/Sherry/Lulu here. Komas is done!

Can we backtrack to Chelsea for a second? As I said, Bill had a leisurely dinner with his girls, and, when he came home, Hayley was all, wow honey, you were gone so long I thought your daughters kidnapped you! Tone deaf much? Hayley knows Chelsea is still dealing with the aftermath of her own kidnapping! I'm surprised Bill didn't set his wife straight. Hayley is so on my nerves since the fake miscarriage/pregnancy thing anyway. Girl's so insecure, crappy Wifi networks take lessons from her!

Black butterfly

June had quite the week! Liberated from the streets, drugs, and her threadbare duds, the woman who still doesn't have a last name (let's get on that, GATES) spread her wings through her gig at Orphey Gene's. First she served Martin and Eva, who got a rare scene together; the only half-sib Eva usually interacts with is Kat. Eva felt that the Duprees needed to stop ganging up on Leslie, but Martin maintained that Leslie should have no issue with the family, since Nicole didn't actually take Ted from her.

Speaking of whom, Nicole had a meeting with June and let her know that Tyrell was slow to warm up to people, though he made it worth it once he did. This made June feel better about reaching her son, and Nicole added that all June needed to do was be sure that Samantha and Tyrell knew they were important to June. Samantha realized she was quickly, because she got to meet with her biomom to discuss boys.

Well, one boy in particular. The fast-moving Nathan, whose speedy jump from kissing to trying sex had Sammy Sam confused. For someone who's been drugged out for who knows how long, June sure had some sage advice. She told Samantha to stay tuned in to her inner voice because it's just too easy to give over to what a love interest wants when you like them.

Where was June in my teens? And my 20s? And my 30s? And...well, keep going. Too bad the Richardson-Smiths aren't in the market for some of June's Dear Abbying, because I think she might agree with my own assessment of them. Martin had promised Samantha that he wouldn't tell Smitty she was meeting with June. Only then, when Smitty wanted answers, Martin caved and betrayed his daughter's trust.

And Smitty was pissed! Martin had once again kept something from him – this when he's supposed to be proving to his husband that he can be relied upon! No wonder Smitty screamed at him and called him out for his pattern of lying. I was actually surprised by Smitty's force. What I don't understand, though, is exactly why Smitty has such an issue with June. It's like he and Martin have switched places on that one.

Sure, Smitty is dubious about how long June might stay clean, and he's not wrong that June let both Tyrell and Samantha down hard before she gave them up for adoption. But for Smitty to go to June and basically say he was going to be watching June to make sure she didn't f**k up...it seemed just a tiny bit out of character. I would have expected that from Martin. Whom Smitty needs to divorce. Now!

However rattled June might have been from Smitty getting up in her grill, it surely didn't last long because of the arrival of an unexpected customer – Ted! He was in need of company and asked June to sit with him...and when he said he'd probably fat up on all the Orphey Gene's food if he worked there, June told him he probably never had to worry about weight. True, she noticed his wedding ring, but he did imply his marriage wouldn't last long; I sensed some flirting going on for sure.

Interesting thing about wedding rings, though – Wednesday's episode seemed to be all about them. Doug and Ted both toyed with theirs, Derek got Ashley to wear his, Joey got Vanessa to remove hers...and Naomi inexplicably left hers behind in the diner's restroom. You usually don't see that strong a theme running through a whole episode. Even if I'm not sure what the point of Naomi losing her band was.

She got spun out about the apparent loss while Jacob was like, “It's just jewelry.” Its absence was not necessarily a harbinger of things to come, he said. Unless it is? Naomi was cool after she retrieved her wedding band from June – and speaking of round trinkets, the Hawthornes busted out their furry handcuffs from the show's first week – but what did it all mean? Could there really be marital blitz on the horizon for these two?

The way you move

Leslie was only present on Friday's episode, but – not unusual for her – she sure made a splash in a short time. First off, she visited Eva in her hotel room and told her she wanted to move in because her apartment building had been sold. Eva, like me, and I'm sure most of us, thought that meant Leslie wanted to bunk with her! But psyche! Leslie's building had been sold, all right – to Leslie!

Road-runner-offer and potassium-overloader Leslie also arrived with the news that she was giving Eva her apartment. It was now in Eva's name! Well, that's a step up on Ted, who said months ago that he was going to find a place for Eva to live but didn't do anything but stick her in a hotel all that time. And hey, since Eva's room was going to be empty, Leslie could just take up space in it, because housekeeping and all.

Eva knew that was bull and figured out as quickly as I did that Leslie just wanted to be in the same building as Ted. Leslie made no secret of that, but she did leave out a major detail with Eva that was even bigger. Once Eva skedaddled to work at Ted's clinic, Leslie ushered her own visitor in – Peaches! Well, lordy, we ain't seen hide nor hair of Leslie's surrogate mom since that whole Barbara inheritance business first went down.

But what happened next was both surprising and touching – especially coming from Leslie. Ms. Thomas handed Miss Peaches a check with “a lot of zeros” to handle her health care and to hire on some home aides. Y'all say it with me: Awwww! And I say that with zero sarcasm. Leslie knew she had made Peaches' life difficult as a teen, all this when Peaches was going out of her way to raise Barbara's child...and Leslie wanted to start making things right.

Leslie's love for Eva is genuine, but even that always seems to come with an ulterior motive. This display with Peaches...well, it was actually unselfish. Who'd've thought! Only one blip: Leslie wanted to put Peaches up in an apartment...the one she had just gifted to Eva. Way to let Eva know she's going to have a roommate – not! Shouldn't Eva be able to decide for herself whether she wants to live alone or not? What could Leslie's M.O. be here? Unless it's just to help Eva foster a relationship with her “grandmother.”

Just be a man about it

I really don't want to spend a lot of time on Dashley or anything Dashley-adjacent, because every week they just make me wish even more that a sinkhole would open up under Ashley's apartment. The super self-sufficient Derek was understandably bothered that the Hawthornes had just made Ash's pad fully accessible to this paraplegic. That wasn't the problem.

With the ladies out for food and just Jacob left behind, Derek tried to hide his once-rejected engagement ring for Ashley, only to topple a stack of books onto his lap. Jacob saw Derek's physical reaction and concluded that his friend had some level of feeling back in his legs. Rejoice! Not so fast, Derek said. He wanted to keep the news quiet. Why give Ashley false hope when he was just getting the occasional twinge?

Through a second conversation, Derek shared his vision that he might stand up from his chair during the wedding, thereby giving Ashley one helluva wedding present. But Jacob was not about it. He had no intention of keeping that secret – especially from Naomi – during the months until the ceremony. Hey, Naomi's good at it: wasn't she all worried about having to hide from Jacob that the dead body in the park was “Kenneth”? That hasn't even come up again.

Derek got so pissy about Jacob needing to respect his authori-tie that detective Jacob detectived that Derek was being driven by something else. Was Derek trying to test Ashley? Sir Baldwin fumbled all over himself, and Jacob pretty well had his answer. Shades of Blake Carrington on the O.G. Dynasty keeping his recovery from blindness to himself to test Krystle's loyalty, ain't it? Ain't it?

So, the upcoming groom doesn't trust his upcoming bride, thinking she'd be with Andre if he hadn't paralyzed himself. Not exactly Derek's first test! His whole proposal in June was a test! For Ashley's part, Naomi was like, what the hell, girl, why the 180? She knew Ash had just dissed Derek not that long ago. Was she trying to turn a pity party into a wedding party? No, Ashley swore. She'd just realized that Derek was destiny!

Hey, Ashley! You can't have that word! That is the intellectual property of Brooke Logan Forrester Forrester Chambers Forrester Forrester Jones Forrester Forrester Forrester Marone Forrester Forrester Forrester Spencer Forrester Forrester on B&B. Maybe after Ashley's on her ninth marriage to Derek, like Brooke, who just remarried Ridge again this past week, Brooke will loan her the word for a while.

Thing is, neither Ashley nor Derek are marrying for the right reasons. Sure – that's Soap 101. And sure – if this was a fresh arc for these two, hell, go for it. But they've already worn down the asphalt on this road in seven short months. Derek doesn't trust Ashley, Ashley's interests are elsewhere, and whatever love they feel for each other can't hold up under all that weight. Can we please be done with these two?

Let's pretend we're married

Can one be arrested for flying under the influence? Andre and Dani were already so tanked before they flew off to Vegas that they could have inhaled the fumes from the jet exhaust instead and their blood alcohol levels wouldn't have been as high. Andre wasn't so wasted that he didn't have some presence of mind, though. Instead of taking Dani to a casino or a hotel, he brought her straight to a wedding chapel.

Luckily for Andre, Dani was drunk enough to let a coin flip decide if they should get married or not. It landed heads (so Andre said), and the decision was made to “I do.” If Dani didn't think fate was directing things up until that point, the sight of her mom was a powerful signal from the heavens! Except it wasn't really Anita – it was an Anita Williams impersonator, played to delicious over-the-top perfection by Ms. Tamara Tunie herself.

Some of you were saying “Anita” was a drag performer – if she was, that wasn't made obvious in the dialogue. (And who woulda cared if she was.) Vegas Anita floated across the room, talked with a lisp, took a shot from a flask when no one was looking, and kicked on an Articulettes instrumental so she could sing the “do you take __________ to be your _________” parts of the vows.

It was glorious. Every second was glorious! What fun! Everybody was clearly having a ball, and I already know what my vote is for Best Wedding of 2025. Dani and Andre giggled and made asides through the whole thing, but the pronouncements were no joke – even if “Anita” told her attendant that the couple probably wouldn't remember the wedding the next day. She was right!

Truly, Andre and Dani woke up, heads ringing, the other side of the room too far away, as they struggled to figure out where they even were. Dani thought they had boarded a cruise ship! Andre realized they were in Vegas, and I guess you have to have been pretty drunk to have the exact same wedding ceremony dream as the person you married...because Vegas Anita had made enough of an appearance in the new Richardsons' minds that they started to piece together what had happened.

There seemed to be no physical proof of the nuptials – at least not until the newlyweds found the marriage certificate folded up like a hat. Well, that's gonna be one to tell the grandkids. Amazingly, instead of either (especially Dani) launching into a full-on freak-out, they simply accepted that they had tied the knot, with Dani telling Andre, “There is no one I would rather not remember marrying than you.”

Tell me these guys don't have what it takes! Their hangovers persisted once they stumbled into Dani's D.C. pad – speaking of initials, Dani actually asked if she needed A.A. Um, how about yah! But Andre, who'd more than once warned Dani she was taking her drinking too far, simply ignored the question and agreed when Dani decided to call her lawyers to file an annulment toot-sweet.

“Go before I marry you again,” Dani joked when Andre received a summons. I love the banter between these two, particularly from Dani. But Andre's presence had been requested by Nicole, who had discovered the selfie Vegas Anita had taken with her nephew and sister and posted online. And neither Nicole nor the Duprees were pleased. Dani's recklessness they were used to, but Andre's came as a disappointment.

Andre felt them, but basically told them to piss off. He and Dani were adults, they'd been single, and they could pretty much do whatever they wanted. Just deal with it already, that was his main message. And what was Nicole's takeaway? That Andre had just shown Dani more loyalty than Ted had shown her. True to a point, but did Nicole really need to make it about herself in that moment?

Both Hayley and Bill did the exact same thing when Caroline sent along the link of Vegas Anita's social media post. Hayley was all, “You go, Dani!” - until Bill got all bent out of shape about his ex's ceremony. The new Mrs. Hamilton didn't buy that Bill and Dani's “grown-ass daughters” would be all that upset about their mom marrying Andre, or that the still fragile Chelsea would be negatively impacted.

Now, Bill was right that he shouldn't have to keep reassuring Hayley of his devotion whenever the subject of Dani comes up. But on the other hand...maybe Bill needs to stop being all up in Dani's business. Hayley isn't exactly reacting to nothing. Bill also needs to take a turn off of Hypocrite Street, because this fool did not run over to Dani's all upset that she had married someone half her age!

Yeah, she did – but from the information we have, Hayley is 26! So Bill did it first, and he had no call to be acting like Dani was a cradle robber. It seems, too, that Bill gave Dani exactly what she wanted. “Score,” she told herself once Bill stormed out, and when Andre returned from his flaming by the other Duprees, Dani asked him if he'd be cool with remaining married instead of getting that annulment. Now, what exactly are you up to, Dani?

I know one thing the storyline doesn't need is bringing Ashley into it, but that's what we got. Ash came upon Jan and the much-missed Mona gossiping about Dani and Andre's elopement; it's just that, instead of being happy for the one that got away, Ashley got all sulky again. Then Andre tried to make the “we were just drunk” case, as if anything were still possible between him and Ashley.

Ashley snarked that Andre and Dani deserved each other, like the mature 12-year-old she acted like. If she were really all into Derek, what and who Andre did wouldn't bother her. And there's no denying it – Dani and Andre are the much more interesting couple. For the love of soaps, let's knock it off with anything Ashley/Andre. I think lots of y'all are over Derek and Ashley, too. Maybe they could get married and leave D.C. together. Except Ashley has an evil twin? That could be cool!

Gangsta's paradise

We can't escape it – if Bill had just kept his mouth shut, Doug McBride would be alive today. I'll go one further and say that, if Doug had stuck to his original plan of working with Jacob instead of going to Bill, Doug would be alive today. As it was, in Doug's final hours, he exhorted Vanessa to join him in retirement, even suggesting they run off to the Greek islands like they did before their kids were born, but Vanessa was all meh.

Busting Van-Van for still sexing Joey after she promised not to, Doug decided he was going to gamble in some high-stakes game – and used it as a kind of extortion by telling Vanessa he would give up his vices if she gave up hers. That didn't go well, and Vanessa was pretty much you're just gonna lose anyway, or words to that effect, prompting Doug to stumble away, already three sheets to the wind.

Lotta boozing and bad choosing lately! Ted drunkenly doing Leslie, Dani becoming a Richardson, and Doug cutting up with Jim and Beam. Show trying to send us a message here? Joey clearly had a better travel agent, of sorts, because, while Vanessa wouldn't fly to Greece with Doug, she did agree to head to Puerto Rico with her poker table paramour.

She didn't exactly groove on his next request: that she take her wedding ring off before they got down. Vanessa talked some mess about how she always wore it, she and Doug had been high school sweethearts, blah blah blah. Look. I don't love the concept of open relationships personally, but if that's how two people wanna roll, they should be free to go for it. If that's what both participants want.

Doug was very obvious in his displeasure about Vanessa's gallivanting, and she knew it, so she can miss me with all that acting like she gave two hoots about him. And even if she did, once Doug called and found out she was with “that bargain basement Tony Soprano,” she shucked off her ring anyway. Little did she know, Joey rewarded her by receiving a text from Marcel to start the “countdown.”

Yes, Temu Shaft is back (love this show's put-downs), and both Jacob and Smitty got up in his face before Marcel got to the business of the mysterious assignment Joey had tasked him with. Apparently part of it involved plying Doug with alcohol and making sure he kept gambling even though he was losing his shirt. Kinda sounds like the same scam Doug fell for that got him into his quandary in the first place.

Doug then went from losing to winning, though I'm not sure how. Our heart surgeon was counting up his money, so soused he could barely see the bills. Marcel started boosting Doug's stash and told the inebriate, “You won't need money where you're going.” Rut-ro! Did Joey really have Marcel kill Doug to keep him from enacting any plan to rat him out...because Bill couldn't keep his mouth shut?

To go by the following episode's news, yes: Doug had gotten behind the wheel drunk, run off the road, and burned to death in the resulting fire. A bottle had been found next to him. Oh, really? From the clues we got about Joey and Marcel's doings, it seems Marcel killed Doug, then put him in his car and set it on fire. But – oh really really? If you've been a soap fan for any length of time, you know the rule: no body, no death.

It is very well possible that Doug survived somehow. Maybe Randy pulled some kind of switcheroo and got his bestie outta there; you may recall that Randy owed Doug for saving him from Joey's firing squad. We're playing it like Doug is dead, and I'll go with that for now, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if Doug showed up one day. And hopefully by then, he'll be well out of having anything to do with Vanessa.

Dis bish, tho! “The wife,” was too busy having an orgasm with Joey to take any of Jacob's calls. When Vanessa finally got the news of Doug's death from the detective...well, I'm still rolling my eyes at any grief Vanessa might have felt, but Lauren Buglioli absolutely freaking killed it with her performances in that scene. It wasn't just tears; she gave us something guttural and tangible. It wasn't just soap hysterics; she gave us something so real, it was hard not to feel it along with her.

If Ms. Buglioli isn't up for an Emmy next year, Joey might be, because dude comforted Vanessa with a straight face, even allaying her one minute of doubt that he might have been responsible for Doug's death by saying that doing anything to hurt Doug would be akin to hurting her. Then a second later he got confirmation from Marcel that all had gone as planned.

I'll allow that maybe Joey's “plan” was something else. Maybe Marcel faked Doug's death and is holding Doug prisoner somewhere. But still, either kidnapping Vanessa's husband or making a widow out of her? Whatever weird rooting value Vanessa and Joey might have had, that's all over now. He's just gone full gangster on her. I do have to wonder when he and Leslie are going to get theirs. This is something we need to see, especially in today's above-the-law environment.

Returning to the DMV, Vanessa broke the news of Doug's death to BFF Nicole, describing how Doug had started drinking – but not elaborating as to why. She is cold! Doug gambled on his own, but he didn't start throwin' 'em back until he found out his wife was getting her chips stacked by Joey. Vanessa acting all innocent! Please! Then she sends Jan to get her wallet...and easy as you please, she fished her wedding ring out of it and slipped it back on while sobbing that she couldn't go home because everything reminded her of Doug!

I'll say it again: dis bish tho! I hope Jan noticed that Vanessa had to put her ring back on. She did seem to ping when Joey – who had just dropped anchor on Marcel's plans to get the hell out of Dodge and retire on his boat – came upon her and Vanessa at Uptown. Remember when Jan was telling Ashley about the “edgy” man she had turned herself inside out for? My money still says it was Joey! He's yer pop, Ash!

Nicole came back to take Vanessa to see her son, Donnell, now a student at nearby Banneker University, and tell him the bad news...only to catch Van and Joey in an encouraging hug. Ooh...we're meeting Donnell this coming week, and I can't wait for him to go off when he finds out his mama a ho! Surely he and his twin sister Deanna aren't gonna sign off on their parents' non-exclusive marriage. Vanessa deserves all the hell she gets!

This brings us to the end of another Two Scoops, D.C. Edition. Say your vows about our soap in the comments below, and until next we meet, Scoopers, live your life beyond!

(Purchase Adam-Michael James' "Bewitched” books on Amazon.)

(Listen to isletunes, AMJ's podcast featuring nothing but music from the artists of Prince Edward Island, Canada.)