The home shopping channel

by Nita
For the Week of November 21, 2005
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Open your desk copy of Webster's to exhibitionist and look closely. Isn't that a barely clad Sharon posing seductively there while sucking on a dripping piece of fruit?

Oh the things the people with the pens come up with to make me grimace in pain. Am I really supposed to believe that throngs of expectant shoppers were crowded around their favorite boutique's cosmetic counter just waiting for a peek at Sharon's animated likeness, ready to hang on her every scripted word? Even though it may have caused some to subsequently risk life and limb by driving right off the road during their homeward journey in a treacherous winter whiteout? Or that scores of others were glued to their computer screen, the Newman call-in number programmed into speed dial? Listening to Sharon's somewhat wooden delivery during that awful web cast while she stared obviously at the teleprompter, for a second, I thought I'd stumbled across a segment of the Home Shopping Network or one of those infomercials with a well known or used to be well known star hawking products you wonder if they really use. You know the ones where they assure you their superior product can be had for just three easy payments of $29.95. BUT WAIT, if you call in the next 15 minutes, they'll make the first one for you. And another thing, whose idea was it to add those untidy hanks of hair to Sharon's real hair? That overabundance of extended tresses looked quite comical and made me sure that one unlucky horse on the Newman range was missing his tail. Yes, I know, I can be so mean, but can I help it if my mind works in mysterious and very warped ways?

Okay back to the web cast and some of the inanities Sharon utters that practically obligate me to poke a little impolite fun at them. First of all, why should I believe that a web cast supposedly watched by millions would make Sharon the least bit nervous? Remember this is the same woman who regularly leaves the house in wear that often leaves nothing to the imagination. Open your desk copy of Webster's to exhibitionist and look closely. Isn't that a barely clad Sharon posing seductively there while sucking on a dripping piece of fruit?

Second, why did Sharon express surprise that Nick wasn't present to cheer her on? Hadn't she just argued with him and flounced her contrary carcass irritably out of the house when his comment about her obsession with Abby at the expense of Noah struck a little too close to her non-mothering nerve? She's the one who brought Abby into the conversation by admitting she had just spent the prior night tossing and turning in more ado about Abby than about the upcoming web cast. While she was worrying about the effect her parents' parting might be having on Abby, did she spare a second to concern herself about what her own son might think about the strain and distance between his parents? Besides, what did she need Nick for? She already had a more than adequate cheering section in Brad. All he needed was a pair of pompoms, a short, flouncy cheerleader skirt and a tank with an "S" for Sharon emblazoned on its front.

Now I'll turn my attention to Nick. Regardless of their contentious morning conversation, Nick should have been at the web cast. But not only wasn't he there in person, he wasn't even watching from some remote location. Instead he was busy listening to Phyllis explain why she left the back door ajar in the Newman computer and how she now had second thoughts and wanted to close and bar it against one intruder in particular, herself. But the main reason Nick should have been there was so that he could console his crushed wife when pointed questions about Cassie caused her to unravel. Instead of Brad being the one to hold her close. By the way, when will someone put Brad in his proper place? Who the heck does he think he is? Whether he's wearing his smarmy, insincere romantic face or his chin tilted, army general I'm in charge countenance, he's equally irritating. I know he's a shareholder now, but come on. Did he go to sleep one night and wake up thinking he was a Newman? The arrogant way he constantly challenges Nick, treats Dru and Neil as if their viewpoint was valueless (okay, maybe Dru's is, but Neil's shouldn't be). He even dismisses Victoria like she's the employee and he's running things. There may be little else you could say about Jack, but no matter how many millions Brad had sunk into his family company, Jack still made it clear who gave the orders and who had to take them. Nick and Victoria better become more like their father's children, or they might end up on the receiving end of bag of wind Brad's directives.

But that's for later. Right now we're talking about what the very attractive and attention-starved mouse was up to while the cat was licking his whiskers over Phyllis. Yes, I'm referring to THE KISS. And quite a kiss it was too. Immediately following Sharon's obvious play for personal attention performance during which were uttered phrases along the lines of: Maybe I'm not pretty enough, maybe I can't do this, I'm a fake and everyone will soon know it, among others, Sharon was obviously edging dangerously close to a full-fledged hysterical malfunction. Funny, most people deliver a sharp slap to halt someone's coming case of hysteria. But not our Bradley. He knew his kiss would calm her quicker. But even I have to admit there seems to be more chemistry present there than what shows with Victoria, or even what we saw with Ashley in their best and happiest married days. But what I want to know is where was the conveniently placed eavesdropper when you really, really want one? In a town world renowned for people who are ever in the right place at the most inopportune time, those two got away clean with their intimate embrace. It seems clear the Newmans are making their meandering way toward at least a temporary parting. The only question remaining is which one will squirm out of the constricting sheets of the marital bed first? Nick with Phyllis or Sharon with Brad?

In the meantime, though that kiss made it appear the words "The End" were about to be posted prominently across the romance between Brad and Victoria that never really got off the ground, things in our favorite fictional town never take the route they seemed destined to travel. Because regardless of how Brad and Sharon really feel about one another, the time has probably come for them to now "fight" their feelings with all of their meager might. I expect to hear such half sentences as, "we shouldn't have done that", "this can't happen again", "you're married" and "you're involved with Victoria" or words very similar. Brad will now force himself to fake romantic feelings for Victoria while, of course, struggling valiantly not to imagine Sharon's head on Victoria's shoulders, or what the heck, a whole Sharon in place of Victoria, whichever the case may turn out to be. And for her part, Sharon will likely renew her attempts to capture her husband's full attention. Such efforts are likely to come to little, given that her husband is himself probably going to be distracted by Phyllis, who, as suspected, seems to be fast losing all patience with Jack and his virulent vendetta.

How easily Nikki was hoodwinked into believing butter wouldn't melt in Sharon's lying mouth. My memory is apparently much better than Nikki's, who has obviously forgotten in how many dirt-concealing shades of gray Sharon can paint the truth. As evidenced by all her many Cameron-connected fabrications, the self-favoring slant she placed on the father-in-law clinch, even to the point of spelling out the so called truth in a detailed letter, Sharon has a full and colorful history of only sharing part of a distasteful tale. And more recently there was the half-truth she told Nick about Brad's stock swap; in order to put Victoria in a less favorable light. Along with the way she pretended her concern was only for Victoria as she labored mightily to steer her out of reach of Brad's arms. "It's important to validate a child's feelings" my eye!! Sounds like she's been listening to Dr. Phil commercials. I don't care what spin she placed on her words, she knew exactly what she was doing in the way she spoke to Abby. Behind that angelic-looking face is the same old soul of a liar. Nikki didn't take her words out of context. Just my opinion but Sharon was doing exactly what Nikki accused her of. Manipulating the malleable mind of a seven year old. Forget the fact that Victoria and Brad might connect romantically. Because thanks to her scheming, semen stealing mother, the woman Sharon is so careful to convince Abby she doesn't have to like is her sister, even if it is only half. Victor's DNA will forever link them, but, of course, Sharon's half a brain didn't bother to consider that.

Having said all that, though, to my ever-listening ears, Victoria's lament that Abby doesn't like her sounds more than a little out of tune. After all, from the second she found out the truth about Abby, she has gone out of her way to make the moppet feel unwelcome. While in contrast Sharon has practically stood on her head and twirled like a top to endear herself to Abby. So despite Victoria's self-pitying complaints to her mother, she really has only herself to blame now that Abby, Sharon and Ashley stand like three blonde threatening sentries barring her from trespassing on Brad's grounds.

Were I Victor, the remaining number of times Mr. Daddy on Paper only could get away with telling me how I had no say in any Abby Daddy business would definitely be dwindling. Thanks to Ashley, not a drop of Carlton blood runs in Abby's little body. One of the reasons Brad can continue to enjoy the privilege of playing Daddy is because Victor has likely surmised any attempt to make his link to Abby legal as well as biological would likely start World War III within the Newman clan.

Speaking of Daddy Brad, how funny that Brad would bring his darling daughter to the office purportedly to make up for missing most of her birthday party, then spend absolutely no time with her. Last we saw her, after having her mind infected by Sharon; she was hustled off to some unknown destination and was never heard from or seen again. I wonder which unlucky employee drew the short straw and had to add entertaining Abby to her full day's duties. And why would Brad choose the day of the web cast to proclaim it Bring Your Daughter to Work Day when he had to be well aware he'd be stuck to Sharon like one of her skintight dresses?

As for Daddy Victor, could he have been any more obvious by suggesting Abby might benefit by being in Ashley's complete control and custody? How much is concern for what's best for Abby and concern for how much more time Ashley might give him with Abby than Brad?

That wasn't the only bad advice Victor offered this week. Equally senseless was that rubbish he suggested to Nick that he and his battling bride produce another Newman to transfer Sharon's attention from Abby. To quote something a recent fan said "Bwaaaaaaaaaa." Sharon's made it crystal clear life is all about her now and what she can do outside the house. How ridiculous for Sharon to have yet another child to pawn off on some hired help because we know she's not about to tie herself down to home, hearth and baby bassinet. As fan Trish so correctly pointed out below, for Sharon it's Me me me me me!

Apparently assuming Kay's latest threat to have his head on a platter and his butt slung in a jail cell should he risk the good Chancellor name with his secret manipulations, were as empty as all her others have been, Jack turned to Kevin when he couldn't convince Phyllis to contaminate the Newman computers. By arming Kevin with what Jack hoped would be the password to pull Phyllis' rabbit from the magician's hat, in exchange for Abbott family harmony, Jack hoped Kevin would deliver the rabbit to him for use in some dastardly corporate scheme. It remains to be seen whether Kevin will fall in with whatever plot Jack hopes to concoct. Perhaps someone ought to warn Kevin that most of the seeds Jack plants only manage to produce rotten fruit.

So hot and yet so cold. That pretty much describes the position of most parties playing the Who Poisoned Lauren game. Much like in that childhood game where one person hides something and the others try to find it guided only by the hider's clue as to whether they're getting hot or growing colder. There are so many clues littering the GC ground, a blind man with a broken cane ought to be able to find his way to the truth. But not Michael or Scott or Paul or Lauren, none of whom are blind but apparently all of which are completely clueless. No matter that Lauren looked Sheila straight in the face and failed to recognize her. Right. Slap a wig, some fake teeth and a plastic nose on my worst enemy, prop her within slapping distance of my hand and I couldn't tell who she was. Sure. Next, Lauren's caught by Jennifer in Brenda's room, who claims she has a room nearby, but they later discover she doesn't. Gloria verifies she's only visited Jennifer there and doesn't know a Brenda, while Scott says he's never spotted a Jennifer during any one of his million and one visits to the room. So can no one add one plus one and come up with one and the same person? And why was Scott so eager to vouch for Brenda? It's not as if he actually knows the woman. How easily he bought her flimsy cover story to explain why she told him she'd never visited provincial little Genoa City. So distraught she wasn't even aware what city she lived in! Oh ba-lon-ey. If that time was as horrible as she claimed why does she keep a grinning picture of her happy little self in her wallet? A picture she looks at so much, she immediately noticed it was missing. Seems to me she'd remember the place it was taken just about every time she dug out a dollar. By the way, I suppose it's too much to hope for that Scott might remember that picture and find out from Noreen about its mysterious disappearance. Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter. It's not as if he'd put two and two together and come up with Brenda.

And to further frustrate me, the week brought yet another example of the she-devil's magical powers, you know, the one that puts her at the right place at the right time with the right disguise and this week with the one key card fits all the roach motel's room doors. And were you as astounded as I to see how she found that necklace by the small army of dead cockroaches, cockroaches who apparently waited to die until Tom took out the necklace so we viewers would know where it was and then put it back? Way to find a hiding place, Tom, under the bed. He might as well have just stuffed it under the mattress. Wow, wasn't Sheila something? She managed to find the necklace, remove the poison, clean up both hotel rooms, take the necklace to the hospital, hide it at the bottom of a laundry cart, make sure somehow found it and immediately notified Lauren, who called Michael, right at the very second Tom was about to tell all. And, of course, Paul the clueless PI, and his equally obtuse understudy, Michael, will probably conveniently forget the fact that Tom had all but admitted the necklace was indeed poisoned and in fact was on the very verge of telling them who applied the poison. That tearing sound you hear is me ripping my hair out by the roots.

Even though I knew better, when Lauren started reciting her sad story, for just a second I had my fingers crossed that she might say enough to get Scott thinking. But, of course, she'd barely gotten into it before claiming fright wouldn't let her continue, promising to tell Scott the rest of the story when he needed a new story idea. That was the point when I started tossing popcorn and sofa pillows at her likeness.

So, the next wedding D-day is December 9. Undoubtedly Sheila has another life-ending surprise planned for the engaged pair. It's hard to believe she'll actually return to Toronto since I can't imagine she wouldn't want to see the end of Lauren with her own two eyes peering out from the shadows of course.

And while I'm talking about someone coming to an end, the way Tom keeps threatening Sheila, he may as well just buy a shovel and start digging his own final resting place. His determination to clear himself of the bogus drug charges by any means necessary has practically ensured Sheila will be the woman who will fill his six foot spot with his coffin encased cadaver.

There's always more that can be said, but I have to stop somewhere and this seems like as good a place as any. So I'm turning it over to you fans, to call things the way only you can. See you all next week!

* * * * * * *

ANTOINE - As I said on Sunday, Scott found out about the necklace and doesn't suspect Brenda/Sheila! I am going to let him have it! LOL. No, but how can someone be that dumb and naive and call themselves a professor for an English writing class! Don't you think it' a little genetic, Lauren had the novel and actually sat in a stranger's home that she broke into to read the novel! Y&R please make these characters a little more believable! I know their intention is to keep Sheila until December 9th to destroy her wedding. You know the gift Tom gave to Abby has a bug or something. He's going to use it to spy on Ashley. I also wanted to know why Sheila/Brenda/Jennifer always knows everything before it happens. For example, she has no peephole in her room, yet she manages to figure out who's at the door, and which disguise to get into. She has the accent down pat and everything. When Michael was knocking at Tom's door of course she has the Jennifer disguise. When Scott comes over she is Brenda, and she even answers "What do you want" when someone's knocking in the appropriate voice of who she is to portray with whichever character!

SANDI - Victor Bashing - Now I know the writers have "writers block." Victor telling Brad to give full custody to Ashley so he can devote more time to his work? Yes, that was way out of line. Victor telling Nick that he and Sharon should have another baby? Since when is Victor an authority on what children/marriage need and everyone knows that is no way to keep a marriage together by having another child - like Nick said, "we are barely talking." The whole J.T./Kevin computer thing is off, like I said last week. Now, Victor steps in and tells Kevin he is giving him until the end of the day and Kevin asks Daniel and Phyllis for help? Writers, lets get with a believable storyline here.

TRISH - Great column as always. I send it to my husband who always enjoys it immensely also. Just thinking about what will happen to relationships if, heaven forbid, Victoria and Brad decide to get married. Brad would be Abby's stepdad twice as well as her brother-in-law. Victoria would be Abby's stepmom and half-sister. Victor would be Abby's father and step grandfather which would make Nikki Abby's stepmom and step grandmother. Anyone as confused as I am? Not to mention the eeeuuwwww factor. Although this may be a new concept for the writers, I hope they decide not to go there. We need new pairings. Everybody's been married to everybody it seems. Brad's been married to Ashley & Tracey. Ashley and Victoria have been married to Cole and now maybe Brad. Nikki's been married to Jack. Ashley's been married to Victor and so on. Stop it! Stop it right now. Who would win the Horrible Mother of the Year Award - Sharon or Gloria? I can't believe Sharon just merrily goes on with her life only a few short months after Cassie's death. I think she and Glo wake up each morning, look in the mirror & sharpen up their vocal chords with a rousing rendition of "Me-me-me-me-me-me-me. If Newman is such a huge world-wide conglomerate, how is it that Victoria, Nick, Neill & Brad are all so heavily involved in the cosmetics launch? Surely in Real World there would be other qualified people to handle such a small portion of the business. Donald T has Caroline and George and now Bill. The writers really test our powers of belief or maybe I should say, disbelief. Well, this is what I wrote before I read your column this week, and find that you've said pretty much what I said here. Thought it was interesting that our thoughts coincided, so I will send it to you anyway.

DEE - We've all been asleep! We've been so busy bemoaning the lack of excitement in the pairings of J.T. and Mac, Victoria and Brad, when right under our noses has been the dynamite attraction between J.T. and Victoria!! It was clear as day on Tuesday. You could just feel it! I LOVE it! I knew they wouldn't keep J.T. around for boring Mac since Brittany is now history and I was right! It's going to be Victoria and J.T.! Hot! Hot! Hot! Bring it on!

DANIELA - I like Sharon the most and I believe a relationship with Brad is cool; she had a terrible time this year with Cassie's death and with no support from Nick. I remember how much she needed Nick after the funeral and he did not want to be around her. Brad seems to really fall for her. I can't wait to see what's next!

WANDA - Does anyone remember when Victoria looked a lot like Abby? It was about the time she was sent away to a private school. She was about 6 years old and came back in a couple of years as a teenager. Get the live web cast over for heaven's sake! NE doesn't need Sharon anyway. She is the spokes-model but sales are out of sight w/o her (she hasn't even done any advertising yet). I really can't see a cosmetics person being an "international star" anyway. Victoria seems so jealous of her. If Brad has to tell Sharon how great she looks one more time I am going to "hurl." Paul and J.T. don't know any computer experts besides Kevin?? Give me a break! That is the stupidest SL in a while. Sheila/Brenda/Jennifer is better than that one. I think TT is about to get what is coming to him. Who will get the blame? Glo, Michael, Kevin, Lauren, Scottie, John, Ashley? Yeah! Sheila is going back to Toronto. Will it be AFTER she kills TT? Where were the "wardrobes gods" this week?? That was, without a doubt, the ugliest coat I have ever seen that Nikki had on. The only thing that could make it uglier is to wear it over that weird black dress. That cutesy little "peter pan collar" dress that Phyllis had on was sooooo NOT her. I hated that huge cowl on the dress Sharon had on for the live web cast in front of her millions of fans. We know one fan that liked it a lot (Bradski).

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