Wedding bell blues

Victoria began the wedding exodus just before Phyllis stormed the church, stopped Nick's marriage to Sharon, and then collapsed. Avery attended the wedding alone because Dylan was in jail. Victor missed the wedding entirely because of a Swedish paternity test. Meanwhile, is the honeymoon over now that Summer 'friended' Austin? All this and more in this week's Two Scoops.

Wedding bells rang, and the whole Newman clan, sans Victor, gathered to witness yet another nuptial ceremony destined to end without a marriage. I don't think that even one of us fans was surprised that Phyllis arrived in time to stop the ceremony just a second before the minister could say really fast, "I now pronounce you man and wife!" (And what kind of minister was he anyway? He didn't hang around to give comfort to an obviously sick woman or to sign the wedding documents with the witnesses -- Noah and Mariah -- or get his gratuity or close the church or do anything the slightest bit pastoral -- rhetorical question (RQ): Have any of the people writing this stuff ever attended a church service or met an actual minister?)

The surprise for me was how quickly Phyllis, a woman with no ID and an arrest warrant pending, could convince a police officer to let her go. It must have been that killer white dress -- he was blinded by the light. Either that or the "wheels of justice," instead of grinding slowly, ground swiftly, for once. OIS -- Only In Soaps. In other rhetorical questions, if Phyllis had no ID and didn't tell anyone her name on her journey to Genoa City, how did the officer know her name and how did he track her down so quickly?

It's just a guess, but I'm pretty sure that Nick and Sharon's ceremony was the longest one in recorded history, what with all the montages, testimonials, and heartfelt vows. Don't get me wrong, I loved all that sappy stuff! I even misted up and felt a tug on my heartstrings, but if I had been Nick, I would have gotten the "I do's" and the "I now pronounce you man and wife" part out of the way first and saved all the family nostalgia for after, but then we wouldn't get to see them do it all over again at city hall -- or not, depending...

Naturally, I'm hoping that Nick proves to be a man of his word and that he will love Sharon just as he said he would, "no matter what the secret is." I want Nick to learn that Summer is his, but I have a feeling that Phyllis -- if she remembers -- might keep that to herself for a while in order to wrest Jack from Kelly. There is nothing like the parental bond between two people to keep them close. After Phyllis has Kelly singing the blues, she can conveniently remember that Sharon changed the paternity test and then do to Sharon what Phyllis did to Kelly!

When it comes to a smackdown, I don't think Kelly is any match for Phyllis. Kelly is one hot mess of contradictions and insecurity. I am sure that Jack will continue to be drawn to Kelly because Jack will think that Kelly needs him more than Phyllis does. Kelly needs to be rescued, while Phyllis is a rescuer. I do think that Cady McClain is playing Kelly perfectly. She sets my teeth on edge and I feel sorry for her, all at the same time. She is so different from Dixie on All My Children, whom I loved. I also like her with Peter Bergman. I'm not sure yet how I feel about Bergman with Gina Tognoni.

I do think that Tognoni is going to work out as Phyllis. She is not the old Phyllis, but the fire, determination, strength, and other attributes of the character are there. She may be a nicer Phyllis, which would be all right with me. I wasn't a devoted Phyllis fan because of all the mean things she has done in her past, but with a new actress and a slightly different take on the character, I can forgive and move on. It's like accepting that forty years have passed for me, but only 20 have passed for Jack Abbott -- OIS. Tognoni seems to be bringing a different kind of intensity to the role, and I'm interested in seeing how it plays out. I don't really expect her to have the same chemistry with Jack that her predecessor had. Just like the current Billy does not blend as well with Victoria as a previous Billy did.

We can take these cast changes as a negative or a positive. At the moment, I'm in one of my delusional manic phases, so I prefer positive: new faces, new blood, new plots, new pairings, more scope, more hope and that's the straight dope! Too much rhyme? So, moving right along, Kelly and Sharon are definitely singing the blues now that Phyllis is back. Kelly has had the rug pulled out, again. She expects the worst possible result, and she usually gets it. Rhetorical question(RQ): Is Kelly a hapless victim of fate or does she create the circumstance of her victimhood?

Sharon is just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and she knows there is one. She is starting to remember what happened on that fateful night when Phyllis fell. What I would really like to see is for Sharon to remember and have the guts to tell Nick and then let the 'I do's" fall where they may. Nick can prove his unconditional love, or lack of it, once and for all -- but wait, that's way too mature and honest for a soap, so our only surprise will probably be the identity of the first person to spill the secret beans.

Nikki's blues about her family are taking their toll along with those little bottles of vodka that she keeps sneaking whenever she gets the chance. I wonder how long Nikki can isolate herself before someone in the family figures it out. As with any addict, the time will come when Nikki will want to spend more time with her little bottles than she does with humankind.

That's what happened to me, recently! We rescued a dog named Boomer, who adopted me. He would not leave me alone, and I was soon addicted to him. Now, he sits beside me, and we watch Y&R together. He whispers sweet nothings in my ear, like, "It's a compliment that I prefer to sleep with my butt in your face." Or growls, "Why does everyone always blame the dog?"

Nikki has to be drinking to even be thinking of going along with Paul and Dylan's harebrained scheme. You know that whatever can go wrong will go wrong. It always does. Victor's high-priced security force will be nowhere in sight as Nikki wanders willy-nilly through the night, and Victor will be too busy chasing Sharon's secret to give her any help. Ian will, of course, get the better of the police -- AIS (Always In Soaps) -- (RQ): Have you ever noticed that no matter what soap you watch, characters who become policemen have to give up IQ points to join the force?

I think it would be perfect if Dylan gave up Crimson Lights and joined the force. In his case, he might even gain IQ points! Dylan could replace Detective Harding as Paul's right hand man, completing the transition from dark, brooding hit man in another soap-i-verse to a more talkative, though angrier, straight arrow. As an aside to General Hospital fans, it's interesting to see that they are giving Jason's character a clean slate by making the change in his voice and appearance the result of a catastrophic accident that conveniently also gave him amnesia. This will allow Billy Miller to create an entirely new version of the character, which I think is very clever.

Avery has a lot on her plate, what with old beau Joe back for a do-over and Phyllis back from her coma and Dylan in faux jail, what's a poor lawyer girl to do? So far, the answer seems to be, "More cleavage!" Some people cut themselves when stressed out, Avery cuts the fronts out of her dresses. All in all, less likely to end up in rehab, but more likely to be mistaken for a hooker.

Christine is not the old Christine, who was very secure in her personhood. Lately, she's been jealous, clingy and needy. As anyone who can spell "sigh-kol-o-gee" knows, needy insecurity is very unattractive and is the surest way to drive the one you love away, especially if the one you are jealous of is more insecure and clingy than you are!

Tip to Christine: take control of the situation. Stand by Paul's side and support him. Take the knife out of your voice. Become Nikki's new best friend. Encourage Victor to get his big butt home and take care of his wife. Whenever Nikki needs to talk to Paul, be there for her, help her, and last, but not least, don't let her be alone with Paul if you can help it -- even though you can trust Paul, better safe than sorry and all that jazz -- however, one caveat: if it's true love, there is nothing you can do to stop it, so "Be prepared!" It might get grim for you before it gets better. Like Phyllis, you are a rescuer, and like Kelly, Nikki needs to be rescued. Paul is a rescuer like Jack. You connect the dots. And that, Miss Prissy Chrissy, is the only help you are going to get from me!

The honeymoon is about to be over for Summer and Austin, who went away pouting after Summer introduced him to Phyllis as her "friend." I know that Avery told Summer not to tell Phyllis about Austin's trouble with the law, but I think there was a middle ground somewhere between "took Avery hostage at gunpoint" and "friend" that would have been much, much better, so I can certainly sympathize with Austin's feelings. Will Austin find comfort in Mariah's arms?

Mariah does seem to get interested in other people's men. She's already been flirting with Austin. Mariah and Austin have a lot more in common socially than Summer and Austin. Mariah seems to be mellowing towards Sharon, and that's a good thing. It's about time for the supposedly street smart Mariah to wise up and realize that Sharon is her greatest ally and will be her best friend. All Mariah has to do is get over her embarrassment about going after Nick.

Maybe Mariah is softening because she took that heart-to-heart with Nick to heart, and it finally clicked in that she has landed in a very comfy nest. So what if Mariah has missed out on those first years with Sharon? They still have lots of years to go, and all that Mariah has to do is to honestly try to love the ones who love her. Tough job! And sadly, for some it is, but it doesn't have to be -- I know, I know, preaching to the choir!

Michael and Lauren are about to hit a rough patch and will soon be singing the blues themselves. My pen pal, Bessie, said that about a month ago, she heard an unverified rumor that Michael would be diagnosed with cancer and pass away. I really hope that this is just wild speculation because I do not want Michael to exit. Who will defend Nikki and get the Newmans out of trouble? Who will mind the office while Avery is minding Dylan? And even if it had been true, Y&R now has a new head writer and that could reshuffle the storyline deck

Unfortunately, death comes to the soaps more often than we would like, and Michael's passing does make sense if TPTB want to put Lauren back in the dating pool. We would never accept a breakup. OIS (Only In Soaps) is death better than divorce!

Billy sure got the shock of his life when Chelsea murmured "Adam" in her sleep. Now he has to worry that he's "rebound boy" -- you know, the relationship that comes between the loss of the "love of your life" and finding the new "love of your life." There's a reason they say, "Third time's the charm!"

I do have to say that I am not overly fond of this Billy, so I look forward to seeing him get his comeuppance. I think the reason that I don't like him is because the actor is doing a good job. I find Billy too smug, too blond, too handsome, and too full of himself. However, I like his relationship to Chelsea, but I wonder how long it can last, and I'm still torn between Billy and Ben as the father of Victoria's baby. There are merits and storyline potential for both scenarios.

I still think that Victor will do something schemy, possibly with Ben, to interfere with the paternity of Victoria's baby. Though I would not rule out something rotten with the Swedish paternity test, I'm reasonably sure that Faith does belong to Nick, but if not, then Sharon, Nick, and I will all be wearing the same befuddled look that Jack had when Phyllis stormed the wedding like an avenging angel. If Nick finds out that yet another daughter that he thought was his is not his, then it might be Nick who needs ECT. Perhaps Nick and Sharon could have couples ECT, or family ECT with Faith, so they can be erased together and live forgetfully ever after.

Picky, picky picky: when Devon decided to join Hilary in New York -- another couple singing the blues -- he looked at her number on his phone. I paused the DVR and noticed that he had spelled her name "Hillary." So, which is it? Did the show make a mistake when they programmed Devon's phone, or is it Devon who can't spell and the mistake was intentional? I did look up the spelling both on Soap Central and Y&R's official site. In both places the character's name is spelled, "Hilary," just in case you care.

Until we meet next for our support group at Crimson Lights in Genoa City, take care fellow fan addicts, keep dancing to the blues, and remember that it's better to have imaginary friends in times of no meds than to have imaginary meds and no friends.

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