I think I'll just stay here and drink

Nikki is knocking back the hooch, Jordan has gone blonde, Adam is out of the loop, Billy and Chelsea are Connor free, and Lily is AWOL for a weird reason. Let's discuss this and so much more in this week's Two Scoops.

Dear readers, I grew up in rural Ohio, and my Daddy was a big country music fan. If you read the title of this column and don't know it's a song lyric, go google Merle Haggard and give it a listen.

Why? Because Nikki Newman has made this her theme song right now. (Well, except for that stripper song that Jordan is tormenting her with.) Nikki is all in on the booze. She is not sneaking casual sips; she is glugging down entire bottles of vodka all at once. Nikki has filled her flask up more times than she ever filled up Nick or Victoria's baby bottles. She's in her late 60s -- it seems to me that's the sort of thing that might give a person alcohol poisoning. I googled "Alcohol poisoning," and Uncle Google says if a woman "rapidly consumes four drinks within two hours," she is in danger of alcohol poisoning. How is Nikki even standing? I saw her filling up the decanters with water; what will she do when there are no more Tito's in that thing, and it's all Evian?

And before you write me off as a judgmental teetotaler, oh, no! I was drunk for most of the 80s. I can tell you in all my party girl days, I never once put an entire bottle of alcohol to my mouth and chugged. I was very dainty and just ordered multiple cocktails in a row.

But now, not so much. I just got off a cruise where I had the bar package, and being almost Nikki's age, I never hit my daily limit of 15 drinks per day. Because I'm an old woman now, and I just can't drink that much anymore. Next thing we know, Nikki is going to get osteoporosis.

I know the fall off the wagon is not her fault. I know it was thrust upon her by psycho Aunt Jordan and her wacko niece Claire. But now? Now it's on Nikki. She has been to meetings but lies to her family instead of letting them help her. She has the money and support to go to rehab, if needed, and she is instead choosing to drink. She keeps asking people to get her a cup of tea or a glass of water. A) There are water bottles right there at the bar. B) Doesn't she have servants to fetch her tea? C) In my family, someone would say, "Why? Are your arms broken?"

But all my silly observations aside, Melody Thomas Scott is so brilliant in these scenes, and watching Nikki spiral out of control is hard to watch. I miss Katherine and Neil more than ever because they would have helped get Nikki back on track, but she doesn't have that special someone in her life anymore.

Aunt Jordan is still roaming around town, free as a bird, but now she is dressed in a blonde wig and seems to be impersonating Nikki. So, let's be good soap detectives and put the pieces together. 1) Nikki is drunk out of her mind. 2) Jordan is still intent on bringing her down. 3) Jordan is in disguise and looks remarkably like Nikki from behind. So, either A) Jordan is going to try to seduce Victor, dressed as Nikki, or B) she is going to commit some crime and frame Nikki, and Nikki won't remember where she was or what she did because she's hammered. Or C) Jordan is going to become a stripper and tell people Nikki has gone back to the pole.

Do you remember when I was whining that nothing was happening? Now *everything* is happening! It's so exciting to watch the show when every day you're saying to yourself, "OMG, what is going to happen next?! "

I'm also entirely enraptured by Victoria right now. When Victoria Newman is cold, demanding, judgmental, and at constant war with Adam, I wouldn't say I like her character, but when Victoria Newman is soft, vulnerable, and unsure of things, I want to be her Nana. I want to hug her and comfort her. I love the gentle and tender version of Victoria so much. Do you know what that means? It means Amelia Heinle is a fantastic actress. She can make me despise or adore Victoria just by her change in facial expressions and demeanor!

Having J. Eddie Peck back as Cole has been so unexpected and enjoyable. I loved him back in the day. I wonder if they will use some old clips to bring newer viewers up to speed? However, Heather Tom was Victoria for part of this storyline, so I know they won't be able to use the oldest clips. I hope he sticks around. I would love to see a renewed romance with Cole and Victoria as they get to know their long-lost daughter!

Baby Eve was born in 1998 on Y&R, meaning she would be 25 today. Claire Grace could be that baby. From Friday's previews, it looks like the DNA test will be back on Monday, but can we trust the results? Since crazy Aunt Jordan was a medical professional, she could have tampered with them, so no matter what the test says, I will take it with a grain of salt, knowing that it could all be reversed again five years later.

While we are bringing back dead babies, let's bring back Adam and Sally's baby, too.

Which brings me to this... The Newman family has shared their ordeal with Audra and other non-family members while they have kept Adam in the dark. To me, this proves everything Adam thinks about his family. There is a madwoman intent on destroying and killing ALL the Newmans, and they don't even give him a heads-up? You don't think a person with an entire Newman family scrapbook doesn't have a photo of Adam somewhere and knows that Adam is Victor's son?

So, Adam's contention that he is always outside the circle is proven here. They should warn him. They should say, "Beware of this woman and call the cops if she comes near you." The fact that they didn't is unforgivable. But Jordan and/or Claire can use this to worm their way into Adam's life. He doesn't know they are dangerous, so he could unknowingly be a pawn in their plot to destroy the Newmans. It is driving me mad.

In happier Adam news, he and Sally are slowly but surely finding their way back to one another. I want this for both of them. When Chloe told Nick to go and insert himself into Sally and Adam's relationship and try to win her back, I wanted to be mad at her, but I couldn't. I thought to myself, "If my friend was dating a guy who ran over and killed my child, I would have strong opinions about that, too." Nick was about to take her up on it, but then he spotted Adam and Sally canoodling at a table at the Athletic Club and thought better of it. I think Nick should try to woo Sharon back for Christmas so she can get out of Summer's way of getting to Chance.

I am surprised Summer even hesitated when Chance invited her to the concert. If Summer is little Phyllis, as people accuse her of, she would never hesitate. Also, how lame of Sharon to cancel a date for a concert where Chance probably spent hundreds on tickets because she was "wrapped up in work stuff." Boo. She deserves to get dumped just for that.

Across town, Audra is trying to decide which of the men she is working to dump, and she is playing so many angles, it's making me dizzy. Is she playing Kyle to do Tucker's bidding, or is she playing Tucker to do Kyle's bidding, or does she have a plan all her own and is using all the men she can seduce so she winds up on top? Only time will tell, but I think Kyle is very perceptive, and it's clear that Tucker intends to frame Kyle and have him sent to prison for insider trading. Tucker wants Kyle out of the way because he wants Audra all to himself. I don't think he really loves her, but he likes having her to use whenever it suits him -- and he doesn't want any obstacles to that arrangement.

Even though I still hope for a Tucker/Ashley reunion, I don't see that happening anytime soon. If Kyle is wise and goes to Jack and Ashley and tells them what Tucker's game plan is, he may come out unscathed. But if he listens to his idiot mother and keeps quiet about all this, Kyle will probably end up in the same cell Diane used to be in. P.S. I kind of like Diane and Ashley being frenemies.

The Cole Howard plot isn't the only throwback-to-the-old-days storyline. We have Cricket whining that Danny is having lunch with Phyllis, just like in old times, too. At least Christine recognized that she sounded like a jealous teenager. This is one of those times where I can't decide which way I'd like it to swing. In the old days, I hated Phyllis and was 100% invested in Danny and Cricket. But now? I can't help myself; I always root for Phyllis.

The next confusing love triangle for me is the Daniel, Lily, and Heather triangle. I loved Daniel and Lily when they were teens but was also smitten with Daniel and Heather. I think, ultimately, I'd probably lean toward Daniel going back to his wife and daughter. Daniel had such deep regrets for failing his family, and I think he wanted to make things right with them.

Just like with Sharon's excuse for canceling a date, I don't really understand Lily having to fly to her daughter's college to stay for an unspecified amount of time because there was a fire on the campus that her daughter wasn't injured by... Um...?? I know that in real life, the time off is to allow Christel Khalil to go on maternity leave, but the way she was written out seems a little lame. Did you see the glimmer in Heather's eyes when she found out Lily was away?

One romance that is blooming is Billy and Chelsea. They were spot-on this week, and I kept asking myself, "What is different? They are so wonderful together. Why didn't I get that before?" the answer is that they are better without mopey Connor interrupting every single date they have. Don't get me wrong, I love Judah Mackey, and I think he's a fantastic little actor. But before he left for boarding school, he was interrupting every Billy and Chelsea scene, and I just couldn't get invested in them as a couple. I'm delighted to have some uninterrupted time with Billy and Chelsea to revel in their romance.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Nick keep walking around town, clutching his stab wound and wincing while simultaneously barking at people who ask if he's okay? Will anyone decorate their homes for Christmas, or is everyone celebrating at the Athletic Club, where I finally spotted one tree? Will there be mistletoe at Chance and Summer's concert, and will they get busted on the Kiss-cam by Sharon?

Will Nate return to Elena and beg her to take him back for Christmas so we can see her for five minutes? Will Victor ever smell the booze on Nikki's breath, or will she be able to stay drunk through 2024? Will Michael Baldwin get Claire Grace out of jail and then get drugged when Claire offers him a bottle of water? Will Victoria let their big sister Eve move in and babysit her other kids once she is officially a Newman, or lock her up in the psych ward?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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