The law of guarantees

by Tony
For the Week of July 1, 2013
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DAYS Two Scoops: The law of guarantees
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Well, if you can't trust a deranged diva with a desire to drug priests, who can you trust these days? Salem was abuzz last week with crazy citizens making one pledge after another, but figuring out which promises will be kept is the tricky part. There are no guarantees in this week Two Scoops.

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There are no guarantees in life. I can vouch for that. When I was a sophomore in college, my roommate's brother worked as a receptionist at a swanky salon. He had connections and promised us both a free day of beauty if we'd like. We were broke students and readily agreed. Score one for us, right? You'd think so...

Said brother teamed up with the stylist, and they promised me I'd look "fierce" with spiky hair and highlights. Hey, don't judge. It was the late '90s, and it was free. Anyway. I was hesitant but got an enticing sales pitch from the suave salon shysters. Oh, and a few glasses of complimentary chardonnay. Yep. That helped with the decision, too. In the end, I finally decided to give up the George Clooney Cesar cut, and venture into the land of boy band hair.

After hours of smelly dyes, foil teepees, snips, cuts, buzzing, gelling, and moussing, I was not n'sync with the outcome. I looked like Guy Fieri. I looked like a douchebag even before the word was popularized, or before I even knew what a Guy Fieri was. I'm trying to think of the '90s equivalent of Guy, but I'm sure the present day version is a shining beacon of what went wrong with hair back then. So, you get the picture. And I learned to always approach any guarantee with a little hesitation.

That skepticism especially rings true on my favorite soap and yours. You know, Emmy Award-Winning DAYS! Sorry, I can't stop saying that. Party still on, Wayne and Garth. But I digress. There were a lot of guarantees thrown around last week.

Conversely, the term "never" usually accompanies a soap guarantee and always seems to mean "eventually." Just look how many times Nicole has pledged to leave Salem and never come back, or Chloe vowed never to make a dumb decision again. Nope, never certainly means eventually. So with all these promises of "He'll never remember," "I'll never do this, or that," and "He'll never see what's coming," I can't help but wonder when all of these "nevers" will blow up in the faces of pledge makers.

One never that will clearly crash and burn is Dr. Chyka's promise that Eric won't remember a thing from the night Kristen tranqued him and, well, you were there. You know what happened next. Kristen didn't believe the good doctor. Nor should she have. His story switched more times than Carrie ditched Austin for another guy. Wait! Did Carrie and Austin ever have their baby? I'm not sure. But back to Kristen...

Even Vivian Alamain would probably wince at Kristen's latest scheme. Drugging a priest and sleeping with him makes burying someone alive look a little pedestrian. Then again, after the entire locking Marlena is a secret room thingy, I'm sure Kristen isn't worried about getting into the pearly gates. In fact, I'm pretty sure Satan will vacate his throne to make room for her once she heads south.

Now, it should be clear that I don't condone drugging and/or sexually assaulting a priest, even one as delicious as Eric. But as far as shock value and twisted tales go, it's a doozy. I can't wait to see this secret rock Salem.

There are some loopholes I'm not sure about, though. One, wouldn't there be, um, DNA evidence? And, two, why go through the trouble of wearing a wig and drugging him with brain erase juice only to take off the wig and videotape things? Even if Eric never remembers for himself, things will become pretty clear when The Pariah Pounces on the Padre ends up on YouTube. Hence, I'm not sure why Kirsten is so worried if he remembers other than she wants to be the one to drop the video on her own time. I guess that's it. Vengeful divas do have a flair for dramatic timing.

In any event, Kristen has a bomb to drop whenever she wants to utterly destroy Marlena, and I guess incriminate herself in the process. There's no way I will believe Kristen hasn't thought this through. People will have a hard time believing her word over Eric's, even with some spiffy editing. So, there's no promise that Kristen will walk away from this unscathed when their unholy tryst starts playing at a porn theater near you.

Brady was also full of promises last week. He guaranteed he was over Kristen. He wouldn't contact her anymore. They are done. Yep, I think he's going to end up back in her clutches sooner or later, you know, before it's exposed that she preyed on his stepbrother. This has classic Brady written all over it.

Another classic is Will wanting to fess up to shooting E.J. He gets points for honesty, but this confession-go-round is getting a bit nauseating. When the guy you've shot and the guy who took the fall both tell you it's okay to keep it under wraps, it's okay. Hush up. Enjoy your adorable baby and boyfriend and let it go, bro.

The secret that really worries me is the video of Sami and Bernardi. It's almost a guarantee that this one will come out. E.J.'s swoon-worthy pledges to Sami that things will be all right don't even convince me of that. I'm not even sure he's convinced of that himself. But he's trying. And that only makes EJami that much more fabulous.

Not so fab is Adrienne right now. I love her, so it hurts that I'm going to have to take her out for drinks and an intervention. Sonny's promised her that he'll choose Will if she continues to interfere. I believe him. I just hope it doesn't come to that.

Finally, E.J. guaranteed the end is near for Stefano. Oh, dear, dear, Eej. Bold statements like that are always a surefire way to have a scheme blow up in your face. The Phoenix has cheated death over a dozen times. There's no promise that a little financial ruin and public humiliation will keep him down. Still, I love that E.J. and Justin have teamed up and will ride this train until the bitter end. Good luck, chaps!

Really, Kate? Really. You just want to find a nice guy. Too bad you weren't married to an upstanding pillar of the community like, I don't know, Roman or something. If you crush up the pill and put in my scotch, I can sort of swallow Kate having genuine feelings for Rafe, but that pill's a little too jagged when it comes at the expense of her romances with Roman, and even Stefano. Fans watch DAYS. Gal loved them both. So, writers, stop trashing Kate's past romances just to prop St. Rafe as the man who saved her soul, please and thank you.

Oh, hell no! Punk did not Glee slushie the Tom and Alice plaque in Horton Town Square! Hey, Cole, here's a three-finger way to you. Read between the lines. Get it? I flipped him off on the DL. Snap.

So, the following is a new sentence to Two Scoops. I'm proud of J.J. for defending his family's honor. And, well, that's about all there is to be proud of when it comes to J.J. I actually took to my blog to discuss what's going on with Jennifer, Dr. Dan, and J.J. Click here to find out why I think it's time for Julie -- the original tortured teen in the Horton House -- to step in and fix this piping hot mess.

Alas, Abigail is a bit of a mess right now, too. Should she choose hunky Cameron, or hunky Chad? Tough choice, girl. Cameron's pretty and pretty inoffensive, but Chad and Abigail simply shine together. They're fun. They're sexy. And they don't make me sleepy.

Ultimately, Abigail had two men guaranteeing her the same thing, albeit from opposing viewpoints. Chad promised he'd make the return trip back to Just Friends Land if she wasn't into him. Cameron told her he'd simply take a hike if she can't make up her mind. I can sympathize with Cam's frustrations to a degree. He didn't really expect competition, especially after all that Abigail did to help him. But, still, Cam should move on if he's not happy. I hear Gabi's going to be single soon. Just saying.

Have you sinned yet? Laurisa and I hope so! We've teamed up to bring you an entire series of Top Ten lists this summer that focuses on the seedy underbelly of Salem. Those scoundrels, schemers, and all-out sinners you love to hate. You can begin your journey by clicking here to view Part One: Salem's Top 10 Hunky Henchmen and Other Dodgy DAYS Guest Star Baddies! As always, be sure to add your two cents in the comment section, or Tweet us with your thoughts!

Extra Scoops

Can someone help me start a chant for Chad? I'm not sure what I loved most about him last week. His sweet, sincere scenes with Abigail, the charming ones with Will and Sonny, or his brotherly bonding with E.J. Wait! I don't have to choose. I loved them all. Yep, that Chad is pretty hot right now! Take notice, Dear Abs.

Wow! The new renovations to the police station look amazing. They really do. I'm just a little curious as to how they afforded such nice décor but couldn't give Bo a raise. Riiight. I bet they used his old desk as kindling wood so they could start a fire and burn hundred dollar bills while guffawing. Yep, I'm still bitter.

Will (to Sonny): "My family has a long history of drama. I mean, you've just got a taste. Wait until you get the buffet."

Sami: "[Will] has this inexplicable compulsion to tell the truth."
E.J.: "Right. Clearly a recessive gene."

Monday's EJami moment was all shades of amazing!

I kind of like George. He should move back to Salem and work at the pub.

Hey, writers! Make the following happen: Nick and Eric join a rape support group. There could be a lot of juicy material for both Blake and Greg to work with, and then we can totally sweep the Emmys next year!

Is it too late to trade Cameron for Dario? I'll pay for his relocation fees back from Argentina.

I'm not sure what's more adorable -- Sonny and Arianna, or Lucas and Arianna.

I'm pretty sure someone at NBC needs to pitch a DAYS spinoff for Sami and Sonny.

Rafe's still in a medically induced coma. I guess I'll find some way to pick up the pieces and move on. Lattes at Common Ground, anyone?

Nice touch of having an Acropolis picture in Châteaux Kiriakis-Horton-Hernandez. Victor would be so proud!

Damn, Gabs! How did you lose that baby weigh so quickly? Seven pounds of it was Baby Ari. I guess the rest was bad decisions.

Granted he volunteered this time, but I fear Lucas is going to become Generation Z's go-to babysitter. He should phone Caroline for advice.

Dr. Chyka is coming off a little Dr. Rolf lite.

It's noted! Saturdays on the docks is the place to be for deals. Why don't the Salem police know about this? Oh, right. They're the Salem P.D.

Did Mar Mar really answer the phone, "'yello?" If so, that was hysterical.

Adrienne's wardrobe is part June Cleaver and part Carrie Bradshaw.

Why I love Kristen Example 5,652: Lady scored an apology from the man she had just drugged and sexually assaulted. That's some skill. And a lot of mind-erasing drugs, of course. Bad Kristen. Bad, bad Kristen.

So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of July 1! I can't guarantee what will happen next week in Salem, but I can promise that Laurisa will be back to Scoop all the action. In the meantime, have a wonderful, safe Independence Day, and "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading!

Need more Two Scoops? Head over to read blogs by Laurisa or Tony for more ranting, raving, and all-out randomness

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.

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