The Case of the Poisoned Earring

For the Week of July 1, 2013
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GH Two Scoops: The Case of the Poisoned Earring
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Poisoned Earring may sound like the name of a bad 80's band, but it is, in fact, the latest method Helena Cassadine has used in her lifelong goal to kill Luke Spencer. Do you think will she succeed? Read this week's jewel of a Two Scoops column to find out!

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Be honest, the next time your lover gives you jewelry, won't you think twice before putting it on?

Our consistently evil friend Helena is wreaking havoc on Luke from beyond the grave and bragging about it in a spectacularly well-timed DVD delivery (is one of her goons posted in the hospital and knew to send the DVD to Luke when he went in for testing?), leaving cryptic clues about a mysterious antidote to the toxin that Luke must use his wits to unearth.

I admit I had almost forgotten that Jerry Jacks was still alive -- we last saw him consorting with Dr. Evil as part of the band of villains holding Robin captive. I almost think GH is best when it is outlandish and cartoonish; I have always loved campy, ridiculous soap plots. I mean seriously -- GH could have gone all serious on us with Luke having liver damage or prostate cancer (and they do that well, too), but instead, we get to see a caper and a chase for a magic remedy with a cast of villains trying to thwart him, which I predict will include Helena, Dr. Obrecht, Faison, and of course Jerry Jacks (a.k.a. Mr. Craig) himself.

Tracy is going with him, but he has already asked for help from Anna, and if Helena is involved, I predict it will eventually involve Laura, too.

Random -- I love the way Helena hisses the word "insipid" every time she describes Laura.

The fun of a wicked soap villain is that they are evil for evil's sake. Helena hates Luke and Laura and has, for 30 years, consistently concocted schemes to hurt them. We don't know why Helena doesn't get counseling or go to anger management and seek help so she can move on and lead a productive life, and we don't care. Anthony Zachara was downright joyful in his evil deeds and had a twisted logic for every despicable action he took. Jerry Jacks was raised by the kindest soap parents ever, John and Lady Jane, and is brother to the most gallant of soap heroes ever, Jax, but still went from plain old scoundrel to demon for reasons we don't understand.

In the real world, we always look for reasons -- "what caused this person to snap and shoot strangers in a movie theatre?" and we never really find the answers. On daytime, we don't even try to find the answers -- we know who is good and who is bad. We even know the people who are both, like Sonny who is a mobster by day and devoted family man by night, and if we are honest, we are a little smitten with both sides of him.

As soon as Carly ordered Shawn to shoot Franco last week in Sonny's name, I anxiously awaited the scene where Sonny would lay into Carly after Olivia got shot. I love the romantic version of Sonny, but I also like it when he starts breaking wine glasses and smashing things. Mind you, I would not want to live with Sonny, but it makes for good soapy drama.

Luke will find his cure, no doubt. My husband who claims he doesn't watch GH is certain that both Helena and Stavros are still alive and defrosted, and he is quite possibly right.

Speaking of Stavros, his formerly kidnapped bride, Lulu, just found out she and Dante are having a girl -- or at least Maxie is having a girl. In my dream world, Maxie tells Spinelli the baby is theirs; they name her Georgie and get married. But what about poor Lulu and Dante?

I know Dr. Westbourne's paternity test said that the baby was Patrick's, but you saw the text message she got from her creepy mother, right? Obviously Dr. Obrecht's reach is deeper than we could have imagined. I am still 100% convinced that Brit is pregnant with one of Dante and Lulu's extra embryos and that they will eventually get a baby.

When you consider that Britt's parents are Faison and Dr. Obrecht, you almost feel a little sorry for her, don't you? This storyline should be a cautionary tale to all men; just because a hot, willing, naked woman hops in the shower with you doesn't mean you have to have sex with her, because you might be helping Satan's daughter spawn her demon seed.

Patrick's track record with women is pretty shaky -- he has been with Robin and Sabrina (good choices) and Lisa Niles and Britt (bad choices.)

Why am I bringing Lisa Niles into this? Because the remarkable woman who played Lisa, Brianna Brown, is now starring in Devious Maids on Lifetime. If you haven't seen the first episode, run to your computer or DVR and download or watch it now. Brianna Brown made us care about Lisa Niles, even though Lisa was completely unhinged -- she managed to bring vulnerability to a disturbed character and made us feel compassion for her. She brings that same range to Devious Maids in a much different character -- and I know her GH fans will want to support her in her latest venture.

And now for some morality questions... If you were hired to kill someone, like Shawn was, and your bullet missed and hit a patio instead of the person, and someone else's bullet hit an innocent person, does that absolve you from attempted murder? Of course not, but the morally ambiguous people on GH have been high-fiving and congratulating one another because their bullet wasn't the one who plugged Olivia. Isn't it a pity that her psychic powers are so vague? They never work for anything as helpful as a vision of who shot her.

It seems to me we are building toward a love triangle with our two Bensonhurst babes and Sonny. Both Olivia and Connie are looking at Sonny with twinkles in their eyes, and they keep having the kind of talks that 14-year-old girls have at slumber parties, "I think you like him, like him!" "I do not, but I think you like him, like him."

In another romantic triangle, poor innocent Spencer hits the play button on Nikolas' phone, and Elizabeth hears the recording of A.J. and Tracy bickering about A.J.'s sexual encounter with Carly. Carly is normally so fertile, I can't believe she isn't pregnant!

This was a good reveal because Nik didn't have to be the bad guy, but the news finally got out, and we can move forward in this story. But here's the thing, dear readers -- I have the sick feeling that Liz is going to give A.J. a free pass. It's not even the act itself that I hold against him, it's the weeks of lying afterward. Trust is a hard thing for me. Once someone breaks trust with me, I have a hard time ever trusting him or her again. A.J. is pleading for a second chance, and I see Liz's resolve weakening. Forgiveness is one thing, but trust? The next time he and Liz fight, he might just as easily go have sex with Carly again.

The Quartermaine house is filled with drama right now as Ava, Franco (with brand new highlights), and Kiki have taken over the Q sitting room and turned it into Dysfunction Junction. Ava has to be one greedy (insert b word here) to be willing to help her ex (whom we currently believe to be a serial killer) to buddy up to the daughter she sought to protect him from for 20 years just to lay her hands on Kiki's fortune. Of course, since we now know that Ava is the second shooter -- maybe they are both serial killers -- as they say, "There's someone for everyone."

Ava looked like she knew how to handle that sniper rifle, didn't she? This leads me to be even stronger in my conviction that her true Jerome connection isn't just the name.

Lucy and Laura are connected by Deception, the long defunct cosmetics empire they both controlled at one time or another and are partnering up to resurrect. Maybe Brenda and Liz can come back and do Mommy Model shoots. I am glad they are anchoring Laura and Lucy because if they don't give them something to do other than wander around town and hop into other people's conversations, they wouldn't have much longevity in town. They need a purpose, and they appear to have found one -- a spa for the Port Charles crowd. Maybe they can put it in Richard Simmons' old Aerobics Studio. Ha.

Molly may need a spa day after finding out her beloved T.J. traded in his virginity for a fling in the back of a limo with Taylor. Poor Molly, she thought she and T.J. were waiting for the right moment together, but T.J. got all hopped up on hormones when he misinterpreted what he saw when Molly was kissing Rafe goodbye and went for the easy fix -- prom night limo sex. After all, there was no prom, so I guess he felt he had to try to get his money's worth out of the limo...

And one more thing -- I'd like to remind you that I called it weeks ago that Danny was going to need a bone marrow transplant. I would go to Vegas and put money on Franco as the only matching donor. Jason's twin saves the day, and Sam has to forgive him.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Frisco crash Mac and Felicia's wedding? Will Michael and Kiki give in to their forbidden cousin love? Will Dr. Clay drop by with any more cheery news for Sam and Danny? Will Tracy be able to pack all her things in a carpetbag for going adventuring with Luke? Will Ellie ever do real hospital work instead of relish tests and secret paternity tests? (No wonder it takes so long to get lab results!) Will Morgan find Grandpa Mike's old loan shark so he can keep playing online poker without a shirt? Will Alexis ever date someone who doesn't end up being a thug?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.


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