Tamilu is on assignment and has not yet submitted her column for this week. In the meantime, as we prepare to say goodbye to Lexi Ainsworth, please enjoy a column from June 2009, with commentary on the first week of Lexi's appearances as Kristina.
If you don't know where the title comes from, Google it, it's a great little tune from a band called Frightened Rabbit. But, what prompted me to use it wasn't the musical sweetness, but because I realized how old fashioned I was when I watched GH this week.
When the SORAS'ed Kristina arrived on set and asked Jason if he wanted to "hook up" it absolutely creeped me out. Do 14 year old girls hit on 30 year old men these days? Am I so far out of it I don't know that's the norm? When I was her age I was playing with Barbie dolls and daydreaming about David Cassidy. But in my daydreams, he was just singing me Partridge Family songs. No hooking up was involved.
Kristina was born in 2003, which would make her 6. But okay, I will go with the flow and suppose they aged her 4 years, like they did Michael, from 12 to 16. But that would still mean Kristina should be 10 now. But, she looks 14? 15? 16? Who knows, but the fact that they had her character offer herself up to Jason several times on Friday just made me queasy. I shudder to see what Molly will be like; she's probably a pole dancer at the Paradise Lounge II.
Didn't you love Michael's instant healing? He could barely stand up in the hospital corridor; and Lando Calrissian had to prop him up. But by the time Michael took a taxi got to his sister's house, (which he paid for with...what?) he was walking around fine as if he'd been on those legs for weeks. Dumb.
When Michael started to get physical with Robin at the hospital and Jason swooped in like Batman, I couldn't decide if he was going to side with Robin or Michael. (Get it? Batman and Robin. :) Does anyone remember Marcus Taggert? He was a cop at the PCPD back in the day, and he used to call Jason "Anger Boy." Methinks Michael is gunning to take over the name.
Of course, this is assuming Michael lives long enough to be called anything. Between running out of the hospital a week after brain surgery and Claudia's manipulative schemes, he might not live to see 17. Claudia is a real piece of work. First off, do they sell black leather in the maternity shop? Next, do you sneak cookies into a patient who just had brain surgery without checking with the doctor to see if his Chew button is working?
As to the baby, Claudia might not be pregnant anymore anyway since she and Carly took a joint tumble down the stairs at the hospital. Carly ought to frickin' know better. She has fallen down the stairs every time she was pregnant. No wonder her kids are all messed up, it must stem back to infant brain trauma. If I were Carly and had such bad staircase experiences in the past, I would be Elevator Girl for my entire pregnancy.
I can see it now, one of them will lose their baby and the other one will steal the remaining baby. Or something stupid like that. They will have to share a room, or one baby will need the other baby's blood, or maybe Carly will recall she actually did have sex with Sonny and both babies are his or...something. I just find it hard to believe they are going to allow two absolutely healthy babies be born without any weird complications.
We have other things to worry about though, don't we? Biker Emily is Real Emily's twin sister! And she might not even know it herself as she was a black market baby! And her partner in crime is not Helena at all but her secret lover Ethan! Rebecca will probably wind up pregnant and not know if the father is Ethan or Nik or Lucky. Port Charles is a very fertile place to get laid.
There are rumors floating around that Ted King, our beloved Lorenzo Alcazar might be headed back to Port Charles. Maybe we will discover he was Rebecca's black market adopted Dad. I know that doesn't make any sense, but that doesn't mean they won't write it. Maybe Lila Rose will come back with him and be 22 years old.
As to Ethan and Rebecca? Well, I guess I can buy this twist. Ethan's a con man in the making, and Rebecca has been talking to a secret partner all along. They both showed up in town on the same day. As you recall, Luke was in jail with Ethan while Rebecca was interviewing for a job at GH that turned into the hospital fire.
What I wonder is if Holly set the whole thing up for the two of them or not? Did they come here specifically to use her looks to con Nikolas, or did they just stumble onto a good con after they arrived and everyone started pointing out how much Rebecca resembled Emily? So many questions!
I predict the Quartermaines will be on cloud nine when they find out Rebecca is actually Emily's kin folk. I am somewhat sad that Rebecca is slowly transforming herself into an Emily Clone, I miss the eye makeup and biker vibe. Emily was always "too pure to be pink" whereas Rebecca could have easily passed Rizzo's test.
I loved the Rebecca/Helena scenes this week. Those two have dynamite chemistry these days. We should start a new drinking game; you have to do a shot every time Helena says "Worthy Adversary." (Just plain 'adversary' is also acceptable.)
Back to Ethan for a moment, I want Ethan to just kick the crap out of Lucky. Hey Lucky! You were also cheating on YOUR wife Elizabeth with Maxie! And you did it for Pain Killers, not because you thought you were going to die! Shut up already! It's one of those weeks I just wanted to yell at my TV all week.
What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Nikolas walk in on Rebecca bedding Ethan and team up with Lucky to give Ethan a good old fashioned ass whooping? Will Tracy and Helena have a dance off to see who gets Luke? Will Carly and Claudia both get amnesia and think they are friends from Lamaze class? Will Kristina try to hook up with Johnny Z and get into a cat fight with Olivia?