It's official. Jason is the father of Sam's baby. Don't send any blue booties or black baby t-shirts to the couple yet, because the plot is still unfolding. Normally, a paternity DNA switch and Sam's alleged rape -- which I'm convinced never really happened -- would be enough drama for a soap to tackle. But, no, we're getting a baby-switch storyline as an added bonus. (Yes, that last part was sarcasm, in case you missed the tone.) Feel free to sigh along with me.
I know we have a new regime in charge at GH, and I'm trying to be positive. (See the rest of my column for proof.) I want to love this storyline the way Heather loves a Kelly's BLT. But I don't. Why? Because I hate baby-switch storylines.
It's not like we didn't see the baby swap coming. When a storm hits a soap town and two women are in labor at the same time, it's inevitable: their babies will be switched. Despite all my pleading to avoid this well-beaten path, the show runners went there anyway. So, prepare for my diatribe.
The setup was ridiculous. Sam was at a motel. Why not knock on some doors and get some help, instead of wandering out into the rain? Jason was also at the motel. Didn't she see his bike/car in the parking lot? I know. I'm grouchy and nitpicking. That happens when I'm forced to watch the same storylines over and over again on different soaps. Then, Sam put her baby in a wooden box, outside in a rainstorm, instead of carrying him inside a few more feet, before she collapsed. At least she didn't stash him in a tree, like a squirrel. (RIP, Robin.)
And don't get me started on this Téa woman, who is allegedly quite brilliant, but I'm yet to see it. She knew her baby wasn't crying at birth, which is the first sign of a problem. She knew her child was at high risk due to a hemophilia problem. She also found out Sam's baby had died and that the living baby has Greek anemia -- no, that's not the correct medical term -- despite Téa not having any Greek roots. Téa also knows this Todd character and that baby switching isn't beyond him. But, she still happily checked out of the hospital with Sam's baby, while Sam believes her child is dead. I know. I'm nitpicking again. I can't help it. To reiterate, I hate baby switches.
The only part of this mess I am enjoying is Heather Webber. She's bat-crap crazy and a hoot to watch. "Those that mess with me, get messed with in return," she proudly declared. She was practically twirling her mustache as she eyed those who had done her wrong. She's a campy villain, but deadly. I think she may be the female version of Anthony Zacchara.
So, if the goal of this baby-switch storyline was to give Heather something to do, I can almost understand the writers' motives. But, for me, the better victim would have been loud-mouthed Olivia. Heather's only grievance with Sam, that I can tell, was not delivering a letter to Steve. So, switching Sam's paternity test, lying to Todd that Sam was a deadbeat mom, and encouraging Todd to switch a dead baby with a healthy one, seem extreme payback for a minor infraction. I guess that's why Heather is a whack-a-doodle.
Téa is set to leave town, so who knows how long this story will play out before someone solves the mystery. I hope it's John McBain. He seems like a savvy guy who can solve crimes, and he did see the baby when it was born. So, perhaps he will realize that the dead child isn't Sam's and clean up this mess quickly. That is my hope. Although, Sam is a detective, and it would be refreshing for a woman to actually solve a mystery on this show.
Let's all cross our fingers that someone ends the drama soon. Because to sum up, I hate baby-swap storylines. I hated it on All My Children, with Babe in the rainstorm. (There is always a rainstorm.) I hated it on Days of our Lives. I hated it on As the World Turns. I hate it now. End of rant.
Sexy Mac Scorpio is in the house. Can I get a "whoop-whoop?" He actually got his flirt on with Felicia this week. I haven't seen Mac this relaxed and carefree in years. (No, drunken strip pool doesn't count.) He should have chucked his commissioner job years ago, if that's all it took to get his groove back. I love this version of Mac. What I didn't love was his comment about possibly leaving town and looking for new adventures. Seriously, GH, if this happens, you are dead to me. We will break up, and there will be no reconciliation.
There are plenty of possibilities for Mac. Have him reopen the Outback and get in a relationship with someone. No, I don't know who. Although, there seems to be an endless list of crossover characters from One Life to Live; maybe someone from Llanview would appreciate him. No one in Port Charles, except Anna, seems worthy, and she's his former sister-in-law. That could be weird, but he did raise her daughter. I would love to have seen Mac with Alexis, but the writers didn't go there for some reason that still baffles me. Alexis showed Mac about as much warmth as a milkshake. It's a shame. Mac would have been great on the Mob Princess reality show, refereeing Sonny, Alexis, and her girls.
I don't know how long Felicia is sticking around. But if she's back, maybe she and Mac will make a go of it again. It's clear that Mac is still interested in her. What baffled me was Felicia's bold statement that the best times of her life were with Mac and her girls. Really? All I remember was her throwing herself at Luke Spencer and being a selfish twit, who abandoned her kids. Run, Mac, run. That skank trashed her marriage once for a romp with Luke Spencer. When she finds out he's single again, it's no telling what will happen.
Speaking of Luke, he certainly is flirting with Anna Devane. It looks like a love triangle is about to ensue between Luke, Tracy, and Anna. I know I've been on record that I don't want to see Luke and Anna together, but if it keeps Tracy and Luke on the front burner, I'll give in. Those two are comedic magic.
I was impressed with Anna on her first day on the job. She gave Jason, and the rest of the cops, a stern warning. I'm still not sold on why she didn't arrest Jason, because she knew he hired those ruffians to beat John. I guess it's that pesky thing called evidence. Anna as the commissioner should be interesting. It's nice to see a woman in a powerful position again.
Carly is on her way to forgiving Johnny, if she isn't already there. I think I like the softer side of Carly. She admitted that she had made plenty of mistakes. I know. I thought my TV had malfunctioned, too. It's too bad that the one time she decides to forgive, it's going to come back to bite her in that well-toned butt of hers.
Speaking of forgiveness, I think I need to do a little of my own. Once soap characters do something despicable, I rarely forgive them. Case and point: I've never gotten over Sam turning a blind eye to Jake's kidnapping, Sonny hanging A.J. on a hook, Felicia cheating on Mac, and Carly staging A.J.'s fall off the wagon and trashing her mother's marriage, despite the many years that have passed. The problem with remembering all those acts is that it makes characters harder to like in any storyline they do in the present. I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet. Any advice? Do you hold soap grudges, too?
Do you know who I love? Michael. Granted, this version of Michael has been much darker than the last. It's understandable with all he's been through. But this is summer and a time for him to lighten up, have a good time, and shine. Please, writers, get this kid in some swim trunks and let him host a party at the Quartermaine pool. (If you need notes on how to do it, watch an episode of Y&R.) I can't wait to see Michael's scenes with Kristina. Michael and Lexi Ainsworth's Kristina always seemed to have a weird sexual chemistry to me, despite being "brother and sister." I'm wondering if new Kristina will still have a bond with Michael. Notice I made no mention of Starr. Sorry, Scoopers, she isn't growing on me.
Poor Spinelli. He has taken pining to a whole new level. I don't think he should fret too much though. When newlyweds only peck each other on the check and roll over and go to sleep, the odds of the marriage working are about as good as the Port Charles Police Department bringing down Sonny Corinthos. Relax, Spinelli. You got this.
I'd just like to gently remind those in charge that it is summer. You know, fun, sun, and all that. General Hospital has been sorely lacking for love in the afternoon. Please, please, please, let someone go on a date, have a barbeque, a pool party, a musical night at the Floating Rib. I don't care at this point. I just want some summer fun onscreen. Those fun nights are some of my favorite of all time on GH.
One thing that isn't fun for me is this new technique of watching imaginary scenes. It's confusing. Johnny told Carly he had killed his father. Oops, no he didn't. He was just thinking about it and how it would turn out. The same thing happened with Todd and then Sam, when she had a dream. Stop it, please! What purpose does it serve?
Attention to details on soaps make me smile, like Alexis' cupcake pajamas, John's frustration at being transferred and put on hold during his phone call (we've all been there!) and Todd's one-liners. "It's all Greek to me," he deadpanned to Téa, when the doctor told her about her baby's Mediterranean anemia. Priceless.
Let's talk new Kristina. Longtime readers know how much I loved former Kristina, Lexi Ainsworth's portrayal. She was one of the best teens on GH, since Vanessa Marcil played bratty Brenda Barrett. But for some reason, the show honchos decided to go in a different direction -- a move I didn't agree with, as Lexi seemed to have chemistry with everyone from Ethan to Michael. I haven't seen enough of new Kristina to decide how much of a different direction the show went. She's certainly beautiful and seems to have retained Kristina's ability to drive her father nuts. So far, so good. I'm actually loving this reality show bit. I think we're going to see a lot of humor in this storyline. More please!
(Heather and Olivia fight because Olivia called serial killer Franco crazy.)
Heather: "Anyone who can't see the caliber of his genius is an idiot and a Philistine."
Olivia: "And a lot of them are also dead."
(Carly and Johnny discuss his homicidal relationship with his father.)
Carly: "I know you didn't have a Leave it to Beaver kind of relationship."
Johnny: "You didn't see the episode where Mr. Cleaver tried to kill the Beav?"
(Lawyer Alexis objects at being filmed for Kristina's reality show Mob Princess.)
Alexis: "You get that thing out of my face so I can go over to my briefcase and sue you."
(Anna sees Luke at the police station and realizes why he didn't come "home" last night.)
Anna: "You were under arrest?"
Tracy: "You'll get used to it."
(Instead of Alexis, another attorney from her office comes to represent Tracy at the police station.)
Tracy: "I don't want second stringers!"
The baby switch storyline spurred an outcry from readers. Apparently, Scoopers, you guys are as tired of this hackneyed plot as I am. You can share your likes and dislikes with me by email. I read every one, and you may just read your comment in a future column!