Squiddly Diddly and the aging rock star

Memories of cephalopods, bad wigs, feuding women, dual personalities, whiny socialites, and many more things to octopi our time in this week's Y&R Two Scoops!

Dear readers, I have a query for you. Do you think that Michelle Stafford, 58, and Lauralee Bell, 55, ever envisioned themselves having a catfight over an aging rock star at this point in their careers? They are both stunning women, talented and celebrated actresses with decades of experience in daytime TV. They are also mature, AARP-aged women (just like I am, so no ageism here) and deserve better writing than they are getting.

Cricket shouting, "You put an octopus in my bed!" must have been hard to get through without laughing. It's just so ridiculous. They are fighting over Danny, who kicked them both to the curb because of their teenage catfights over him. It's embarrassing. I want better for both characters. I kept hoping for the octopus flashbacks, but no such luck.

P.S. to Michelle Stafford: my husband, who pretends he doesn't watch soaps, said he doesn't believe you are 58; he thought you were in your 30s. Also, he said when he thinks of Cricket, he sees a teenager wearing a baseball cap with a big C. I hope he thinks I am still 30, too.

Phyllis had a storyline last year that gave the writers an opportunity for a metamorphosis with her character, but they haven't taken it. Instead of genuinely allowing Phyllis to grow, they embroiled her in some diva showdown over Danny. Why not let Phyllis truly evolve? Let her be the wise matriarch her kids turn to for advice and comfort. She can be a mature woman with passion and fire; she doesn't have to lose her vibrant "Phyllis-ness" to mature.

And Christine yelling about Danny being her great love for years makes me ask, "What about Paul?" Was Paul just a placeholder all these years, waiting for Danny to return? I love having Danny Romalotti back on the show. Still, I don't particularly appreciate that it has caused Christine and Phyllis to revert to puberty. At least Lauren is mature and can keep her wits about her when Danny is in the room.

But Christine and Phyllis aren't the only two women in town who are acting loony. Nikki Newman, a woman who was recently held captive, drugged, and nearly killed by a lunatic, thinks it's just too hard to stay inside her luxurious ranch, surrounded by a security team who is there to protect her. She's acting like a whiny teenager who got grounded for six weeks after getting a D in Algebra on her report card. Why did I choose that example? Don't ask questions. Just move along.

If I were Ms. Bougie and lived in a ranch with servants, guards, and horse stables, you would be hard-pressed to get me out of that place. I am allergic to horses, so I would sit on the patio and watch the ranch hands ride the horses while I sipped Moscow mules from copper mugs made with top-shelf vodka.

But not Nikki. Not only does she want to escape her luxurious and safe surroundings, but she also wants to do so to visit a veritable total stranger, Seth, who was her sponsor for precisely one week before falling off the wagon himself -- another storyline that leaves me scratching my head. So, Jordan, an escaped convict who just burned down the prison to escape, is seemingly roaming free, and her only disguise is a long red wig. I know Chance left the GCPD, but aren't any other cops out looking for her? Wouldn't Seth have seen the TV news about the escaped felon and recognized her face from the mug shots? Exactly how drunk is he? When a criminal is loose in my town, their face is on TV 900 times a day. Surely Jordan, an armed and dangerous criminal, would have rated a little airtime.

But I digress. Nikki is whining about being a prisoner in her fancy home and is willing to risk her life to have coffee at Crimson Lights. Doesn't the Newman ranch have a Keurig? My husband and I are both retired and by no means wealthy, but we travel with a travel-size Keurig so we never have to drink bad hotel coffee.

We can already see the storm brewing. Nikki will be careless, and Jordan will get in. All of Victor's guards will miss her because of that clever wig.

Or will it instead be that his plan to get Claire out of the psychiatric ward will go awry and land our very fragile Claire in danger? Or possibly both? Who will save whom on this go-round with Jordan? I think Victor is sincere in his willingness to accept Claire as a granddaughter. Still, he's overly confident in his team's ability to keep his family safe, since they have already let the entire Newman family get held captive by Jordan. At least give them all dog chips so you can track them.

My concern is that Jordan will end up dead and Nikki will be the culprit, but Victor will throw Claire to the wolves to protect his drunken wife. I want to go on record and say Colleen Zenk is a delightful old-school soap villain here, and although I know she must die, I hate to see her go. Seriously, will putting her in prison again give anyone peace of mind now that Jordan has already burned down one prison to escape? Why wouldn't she do that again? The only actual safety for the Newman clan is if Jordan dies.

Not to be outdone by the craziness in the Newman household, Ashley has done a complete turnaround after we were tortured for months with black-and-white flashbacks of Tucker throwing chairs and wine glasses. Early in the week, she heard voices in her head and pulled at her hair. Now, she is shrugging it all off and admitting she was wrong. Readers, don't hate me, but the turnaround is so swift and complete that I must ask myself, are there two Ashleys? I wonder if Ashley's personality has fractured in two and if this calm, reasonable version we see is fragile, frightened Ashley's alter ego? I have no gossip or indication of a DID storyline, just a hunch.

Ashley is marking her territory with Audra, and I think Ashley has plans to get Tucker back. Since Audra is so happy and content, it's clear that Tucker will toss her aside the instant Ashley begs him to come home. He may make her grovel a little bit like she did to him, but in the end, he will go back to his estranged wife.

At which time, Audra will run to Nate's room for the hookup that's been coming for eons. I think Nate wanted Audra way back when he was having his fling with Victoria and only kept himself away from her because he thought sleeping with Vic was his way to the top of Newman. Nate and Audra would make a more exciting pairing than any of his former pairings because they are both ambitious schemers.

It's hard for me to wrap my head around Audra looking at Tucker and saying things like, "I want to be with you in the city of lights." But saying it in a monotone voice, seemingly bored out of his mind, with the same tone of voice my husband has when he says something like, "We're out of orange juice," Tucker acts like everything is mundane, and we rarely see a spark of fire from him. At least when women fight over Danny, I can see why they are drawn to him. But Tucker is a mopey snooze. Oh, wait, he has tons of money...

Adding to my list of women who are written crazy is Sally. Sally and Chloe have been trying to launch this business for what feels like a decade and failed every time, sometimes with help from a foe and occasionally just due to bad luck. In truth, they should let go of their vision and get real jobs like an average person who has rent to pay has done with a million dreams. But when Sally's very wealthy boyfriend tries to find a solution to help her keep her dream alive, instead of saying, "Oh, my goodness, thank you so much for trying to help me!" she is furious with Adam. Of course, Adam had to talk to Victor before he talked to Sally because why even bring it up to her if Victor was dead set against it? Now that Nick has advised Victor that he has to do this to keep Adam happy so they can continue to work in harmony together, Victor may come through. But will Sally accept the help? Chloe, as usual, is being totally unreasonable.

Now, to a sane woman: Amanda Sinclair. Oh, I love Mishael Morgan; whenever she makes a trip to Genoa City, I am happy. Of course, I am still mad that they killed off Hilary, but I'll take Amanda just the same. Amanda had to show up because Devon and Lily were adamantly against the Abbott name being worked into the company. Their reasons are lame. Twitter is now called "X," but we all still know it's Twitter, right? If Chancellor-Winters adds an "Abbott" into the name, I can't imagine their customers will be confused. I don't care why Amanda is there; I am just happy she gives digs to smarmy Devon. She's the only one who gets under his skin and reminds him of his imperfections.

On a more serious note, this week, Connor was diagnosed with OCD, which sent Chelsea and Adam to Sharon, the barista/shrink/CEO, for counsel. I hope that when Judah Mackey returns to the canvas, they will seriously show the struggles a person with OCD faces and the heartache of being a parent who has a child battling mental illness. Billy supports Chelsea and offers to go with her to see Connor. I saw people online complaining about this because "Connor isn't Billy's real kid." As a stepparent, I take offense to that because I have two daughters, nine grandkids, and five great-grandchildren, none of whom I am biologically related to. If you are an adult in a child's life and part of their family, biological or otherwise, it's good to give that child all the love and support you can in a time of crisis.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Tessa be fun, have karaoke night at Society, and liven up the joint? Will "Isabel" get a black wig and tell drunk Seth that she is Isabel's twin sister, Eve, and convince him he's talking to two different people? Will that kid in Claire's hospital have anyone to play with when Victor springs Claire? Will Nikki beg Lauren to take her out for a Subway for a $5 footlong because she can't eat one more personally chef-cooked lunch without losing her mind? Will Phyllis find another octopus to put in Cricket's bed for old time's sake or buy them two tickets to SeaWorld for a Spring Break Girls Gone Wild weekend?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows,Tamilu

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