Some weeks in Salem are so deliciously soapy that I seriously consider throwing a vase against the fireplace and hissing, "You'll pay for that!" or "Get the hell out!" I'd think about tossing a rocks glass, but that would be a waste of good Scotch. So, sorry, flowers. I digress.
DAYS had a total primetime drama vibe to it last week with all the big business brouhahas. I was totally in. It reminded me of watching Dallas with my grandma and, later, Melrose Place with friends. I was waiting for a drunken Sue Ellen to drive through the window at DiMera Enterprises or Amanda Woodward to show up to tell Paulina that she now owns the lease to Horton Town Square. Shoulder pads and mini-skirt power suits included? You betcha.
Still, said "big business brouhahas" in Salem didn't need Sue Ellen or Amanda to make them messier. We had Kate and Paulina for that. Let's start at DiMera Enterprises...
Kate was the vote E.J., Chad, and Tony needed to oust Jake. I'll be honest. I don't even know what DiMera Enterprises does most of the time, but I was loving all the action, nonetheless. To see that particular group of amazing actors all together, slinging shade, was splendid. Hell, Thaao Penghlis' triumphant smile alone was worth the price of admission.
Again, I'd never buy stock in the company due to the CEO drama. I'm also still mad none of those knuckleheads reached out for my vote -- I mean, not that I have voting rights. *wink* So, anyway, I was saying Kate was the star of the show, just the way she loves it. She got to stick it to Jake and Gabi and she got a job. I'd say she wins.
I'd also say the audience wins as Kate's revenge is officially over. Jake was thoroughly stunted and slapped. Gabi got in some digs as well as took some, but, ultimately, decided to move on (and out) with Jake. I'm mostly sad that Kate and Gabi aren't likely to be coconspirators anytime soon, but maybe Sami can help build that bridge again. On an upside, and "sorry, not sorry," Kate walking away swinging her cane after obliterating Jake and Gabi was all shades of epic. Her swagger is a life goal. Lauren Koslow is seriously the only actor who could make that amount of soapiness look absolutely, effortlessly cool. She gets all the martinis she wants. All of them.
As of now, E.J. and Chad are co-CEOs. "This will work out wonderfully," said nobody. At least neither E.J. nor Chad has a big ego. I admire Tony's enthusiasm, though. He hopes that it will work. He's banking on brotherly bonds. And he'll be in Europe with Anna should the sand in the hourglass hit the fan. So, in the end, he kind of wins, too.
Meanwhile in the center of town -- or soon to be called The Artist Formerly Known as Horton Town Square, Paulina plans to raze it and build "Price Town." I'm not saying this is "Ciara raped on the Horton couch" level of Higley sacrilege, but I hope Team DAYS treads lightly going forward with this. When Tom and Alice's plaque hit the ground, it was like a gut punch. Like, no. That's not okay. So, well played, Team DAYS. You got the reaction you were looking for. Now fix it! Thanks.
Though, as much as I'm disappointed in Auntie P for playing everyone, all the lies, hurting Abe, and disappointing Chanel and Lani; and I'm a little bummed, as the "woke" indoor marketplace sounded like a fun space to do some shopping, I can't believe nobody noticed things beforehand. Like, literally, no one noticed beforehand as they were walking to Julie's Place. All walks lead through Horton Town Square. That's fairly established. So, we're to believe nobody -- not a one -- saw anything. Okay, suspension of disbelief, you win again.
Just throwing this tantrum out there, but nobody saw anything!? Nobody heard the construction site noises or saw the hard-hatted crew standing around watching that one guy work? The chain-link fences suddenly appearing. Nope. Nobody saw them, either. Nobody viewed the clearance sales at the square stores or learned the restaurants were closing before this. Nobody witnessed a mass exodus from the Salem Inn or the crowds moving toward nearest hotel. Maybe a motel. Maybe a Rosebud motel. Anywho. People are dumb.
I say this with love and a certain level of jest, but I'm disappointed in Julie, too. She's a business owner and one of the nosiest people in Salem. She even knows the doorman at the Salem Inn. She lives for this kind of juicy gossip. This is her jam. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Julie, Julie, Julie. You missed this one, pal.
More so, it's a missed opportunity for Julie to establish a new foe. Instead of exclaiming, "I knew she couldn't be trusted!" after the fact, Julie's involvement throughout the storyline would have given the marvelous Susan Seaforth Hayes some meaty material to work with. Julie's suspicions could have even caused Eli to take pause, given their prior conversations about race, and lead to some more talks between them. The family drama aspect could have run deep on both sides. Then again, Julie was busy tasting doughnuts (not a dig; I'm jealous), and Eli was busy trying to keep his towel up. There's that.
Now, we have everyone outraged at Paulina. She deserves their scorn at this point. For sure. Lady was shady and got caught. And now, we wait until Monday to see what her explanation is. I can't wait! But it better be good because I've been dreaming about doughnuts and brownies and pecan pie, and if Sweet Bits doesn't open for business, I'm suing her for failing to deliver on baked goods. I'm sure Belle can make that case, right, 'Tink?
So, Nicole and Ava are onto "Lumi." Allie has the beginnings of a suspicion. Kristen is penning about them. And I still believe E.J. knows. Sami once called him the most powerful man she knew. He's a DiMera with a lot of time to kill. I think it's safe to "swipe right" and suggest E.J. is pulling a Kate here and making his wife suffer until the truth comes out. Sami really needs to be the one to tell him. Not that he'll be less E.J.-ish about it, but, you know, a little less rage and revenge isn't a bad thing.
The "Lumi" banter is always magical due to the chemistry between Alison Sweeney and Bryan Dattilo. Some of what Lucas was saying is true as well as sweet. Still, I have a hard time feeling bad for him. It sucks to suck, but affair-ing is risky business. You don't always get to be the winner when you're the side piece, no matter how deep the bonds are. Rings before flings, and all.
I generally like Philip and Chloe together. I championed for a reunion during the DAYS digital series. Now. Well. I need Philip to turn down the dial from "I Have A Silence of the Lambs-like Pit in My Basement, Do You Want to See It?" to "Eager and Hopeful, But Respectful." I feel like he's a step away from crushing up the Chlomeister's pills and slipping them into her din din so he can lock her in a room. Or pit. So, yeah, Philly. Take it down a few -- more than a few, even -- notches, bud.
I'll never not love a Belle and Chloe scene!
With favorite uncles E.J. and Chad both in Salem, Theo needs to sit down with them immediately and have a little, err, long chat about his love life. It's a bit on the disturbing, desperate side. Asking an amnesiac to marry him is not a good look. At all.
I do get Theo's desire to be with Ciara. They're besties. They literally grew up together. They were SORAS-ed together, too. She even knew Lexie. Those are all things likely close to his heart. Still, he's courting her the wrong way. She's a married woman, and he knows if she had her memories back, they wouldn't be together. Again, at all. So, while he's not a mustache-twirling villain or putting on his mother's vixen-era infamous red dress to show how DiMera he's become, Theo needs Gabi's timeout chair in front of the congregation.
Also, if Hope's in South Africa with Ciara, I wonder what her opinion is on all of this? Granted, Ciara should make her own choices. It's her life. It's just that she can't remember a large chunk of her own life. That's the problem. She's remembering outdated feelings for Theo, and he's capitalizing on that. I do believe Ciara needs to follow her heart, but she's also recovering from a serious head injury, so maybe a loved one other than Theo could be a little remindful of that.
Any which way it's spun, the CIN/Theo storyline's a bit of a mess. I think I'd rather have watched Ben and Claire watching a hot dog-eating contest over CIN going round and round and Theo gush about his amnesic betrothed.
Hey, everyone. Eli's towel dropped. Again. Again-again. You know, for the third time. Chanel saw everything. Again. Again-again. At least this time she wasn't making inappropriate comments to his wife. Oh, wait. She was. Look, I'm not a prude. Even Kate can now see how handsome Eli is, but this schtick has gotten way old. Like, around the second time.
Mostly, I feel bad for Lani that she keeps having to have that conversation with Chanel. It's awkward and infuriating. To be clear, whatever conversation -- no matter how cringe-worthy it is -- Chanel wants to have with Paulina in private is between them, but Lani has expressed her feelings very clearly to her cousin about ogling and commenting on her husband, and that should be respected in her home and always around her (and her children). I'm totally Team Lani here.
Though while Chanel's comments are crass and inappropriate, I also blame Eli for the situation. He knows they have company in the house. He knows he's had a few wardrobe malfunctions before. Sure, this was an extreme situation, as the smoke detector was going off, but, still, he could have grabbed a robe. Even if he doesn't have one, Lani does. She's always fabulously dressed. He could have grabbed hers. Just saying.
Also, if anyone doesn't know what to get Eli and Lani for their anniversary, I'm thinking, hmm, matching robes.
I think it's best for sanity's sake to pass over the part where Chanel -- soon to be bakery owner Chanel -- got caught up listening to music, forgot she was baking a cake, burned it, didn't notice the timer or smoker detector, or that the apartment was filling with smoke. You know, that could have caused a fire that could have killed her cousin-in-law and infant cousins. Nope. We're skipping that. The brain cells I have left need not be hurt by that showing of stupidity.
I think Paulina has a secret partner. I'd love it to be Peter Blake. While Paulina claims not to know the importance of the Hortons in Salem, Old Petey would take great pride in razing the town square. AmIright, Jenny Bear and Jack?
Speaking of Jack, I agree with Xanimal. He'll be a wee bit a lot mad at Gwen for lying about the miscarriage. Then, you know, he'll forgive her. Deveraux daughters seem to have a certain level of Teflon-ness when it comes to long-term accountability for their actions. See, the sisters do have something in common!
Also, I don't hate the begrudged bond between Xander and Gwen. They're growing on me. It's contrived, sure, but Paul Telfer and Emily O'Brien are a hoot together. In the hand of lesser actors, this might not work, but I have faith in their talents.
Oh, yeah. And Doc Snyder was found in the lake. Eli is on the case. I can't imagine this one taking too long to solve unless something happened off-camera we haven't seen yet. The autopsy should show a heart attack or something similar. There's that, but would Salemites really spend time in Statesville for moving around a dead body? We should ask an expert their opinion. Someone, like, a police commissioner or something. Rafe! Oh, Rafe, dear. I have a question for you...
On topic, oof. Rafe now realizes he has feelings for Nicole, too. Is it wrong I just want to escort Ava (and the shrimp jambalaya) away from the madness? They deserve better, and I have a spare room. More so, this just seems like a cheap ploy to destroy a few friendships and ease Ava into a "bad" role again. I hope I'm wrong, but this Invisible Eric, Xander, Nicole, Rafe, and Ava pentagon is crowded and now includes a talking bear. Seriously. So. Yep. We'll leave it at that for now. I'm going to get that jambalaya.
I had another "HOT" planned earlier on, but Doug stole the honor when he showed up on Friday! I needed a dose of his warmth and optimism. I'd say Julie's a lucky lady, but she already knows that.
The bare or the bear, I can't decide!? On one hand, the entire "towel slip" shtick should jump in the oven and burn with Chanel's cake. On the other hand, Rafe was talking to a bear. So, um, there's that. The only positive spin I can make is that it's not an elephant statue or an orangutan. Then again, I could let both Eli and Ava settle this. They said of Duke "What's up with you and that bear?" and "That was a lot weird," respectively. They're not wrong. Though Lani could also passionately weigh in on the bare matter and she wouldn't be wrong, either. So, a tie, I guess!
LINE(S) OF THE WEEK
Tony (to Jake on his ouster): "Think of it as a rite of passage."
Chad (of Kate's vision "returning"): "Oh, my God, it's a miracle."
Eli (to Rafe): "You're having dreams about the bear!?"
Lamon Archey cracked me up last week! Seriously, Eli's zingers at Rafe's expense kept me laughing. By the time Eli got to the entire, "Sometimes you get the bear..." quote I was howling.
I don't know what was funnier: Chad's thumbs-up or him unenthusiastically stating, "Oh, my God, it's a miracle" accompanied with lackluster jazz hands when Kate stated she could see.
Julie thought "CIN's" wedding day was, "the most beautiful day God ever made." I'll have a glass of what she's having, please.
I feel like Marlena has some secret plans for July Fourth that she doesn't want anyone to know about. She sure was giggly when giving Abe excuses that she and John couldn't be at the "Elani" anniversary party. It was adorable, though.
Tony, E.J., and Chad all full of smiles was a nice DiMera moment. I took a picture. That merriment won't last, but we need something for the holiday newsletter.
I wouldn't mind if all the calls to faraway DiMeras inspired some of them to come home for a visit.
I kind of love it when Shawn and Belle get together to talk about their day. More "Shelle," please.
Off topic, but isn't the ocean burning a little too 2020? It can just go back and stay there, thankyouverymuch.
Back to DAYS...
Jake exclaimed to Gabi, "That woman...that woman's scary!" Oh, buddy. I think Kate has that printed on her business cards.
I loved all the knowing sass Allie gave her parents. She knows when they're up to something. She'd probably be disowned if she didn't.
Gabi seemed genuine when she exclaimed, "What the hell!?" I thought she knew Kate better than that. A reaction of, "That tracks," would have made much more sense.
Lani stated, "The mental images, you know." Oh, we got you, Detective. We know. And we're sorry.
Did we know Paulina's ex/Chanel's dad is dead? I smell a secret here. They went on about his smile and niceness. That's great and all. Still, my skeptical side senses there's more to the story. Hmm.
"Peacock and chill." Ha!
Who is Paulina doozy, sexy dreaming about!? Is it a woman we already know or someone yet to come to Salem? I have a few hunches, but let's save them for later.
Also, Auntie P might need some new friends, and Kate needs a new storyline. Just saying I wouldn't be upset if these two powerhouses became pals. DiMera and Kiriakis boys club beware.
Each time I hear the name "Duke" on DAYS I immediately think of Duke Johnson. And he was a creep. Though the Teddy bear is becoming creepy. So, I guess that works.
On topic, my Celeste-like predictions sense that this year's special Halloween episode will be a Child's Play meets Ted homage, darlings.
So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's it for July 5. I hope everyone had a safe, fun holiday weekend! Laurisa with be back with a hardhat, some Gorilla Glue, and all of her normal Two Scooping brilliance next week!
Before I go, I'd like to admit that I wrote this column with a heavy heart while mourning the passing of Philece Sampler, who died on July 1. I'd ironically wished for her return to DAYS a few columns back. Sadly, that will never be, but I'm grateful for the work she left behind. While I'd watched her in other roles, too, there was something magical about her portrayal of Renee DiMera. In fact, Philece delivered one of the best scenes in daytime history, in my humble opinion. You can watch it here. I first saw that performance nearly 37 years ago, so to say Philece's talents made an impression on a young DAYS-loving kid is an understatement. Thank you for the memories, Ms. Sampler. My sincere condolences to her loved ones.
And, as always, thank you for reading, and "That's a fact."
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