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 Two Scoops: June 28, 2004 columns
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Guinness Book
For the Week of June 28, 2004
Surely the Guinness book people should head to Port Charles.
Surely the Guinness book people should head to Port Charles - look at all the possible World Record breakers:

If there is a record for "Most Gun-Shot Wounds Survived" Sonny must have broken it. The dude's body must resemble Swiss cheese, with its' multitude of holes. He should also win for "Most prayers by a Mob Boss" and "Most Able to Get Nuns to Lie."

If there is a record for "Most Escaping Child", Michael Corinthos should be in the running. Seriously, Michael needs a leash. Or one of those ankle bracelets they get for prisoners to make sure they only go 20 feet from their house on house arrest. Or his own "Houdini Re-Incarnated!" show in Las Vegas.

If there is a record for "Supposedly Being Dead, But Really Being Alive" Nikolas could claim it, he freely wanders around town, and other than Emily and Lorenzo, no one has noticed him. He's been in the hospital, in the Q mansion, wandering through the park, and the guy is a PRINCE. Imagine if Prince William lost his memory and was wandering around London wearing flannel shirts and thinking he was a lumberjack. Wouldn't SOMEONE in England say "Hey, that chap cutting back our shrubbery looks an awful lot like Prince William!" and then they'd make an effort to be chummy with him so when he got his memory back they could go live in Buckingham Palace, or they'd kidnap him and hold him for ransom. Or they'd make him do other menial chores and videotape it for "Britain's Funniest Home Videos" But SOMEONE would recognize him. Nikolas was pretty high profile for awhile. There was the whole dating a Supermodel thing when Gia was engaged to him. (Old Gia, the one actually glamorous enough to be a model.) And then there was all his loony family stuff "Presumed Dead Dad actually frozen in the bowels of GH" - it's obvious that Nikolas MUST have spent his share of time in the tabloids. That's all I'm saying.

If there was a record for "Most Quivering Bottom Lip" Mary would win, hands down, as every time "Connor" implies he wants to remember his past, Mary gets that bottom lip going good right before she begs, pleads, cries or throws herself into the river.

If there is a record for "Hanging on Way Too Long to Your 15 Minutes of Fame" - Eddie Maine could snatch that award away from Kato Kaelin, with this new re-mix of "You're The Only One I Love" covered by Brook Lynne. Of course, I am a sucker for Wally Kurth's voice, so I am only whining about it as they have only played Brooke's version and I want to hear "Eddie's" Thankfully though, Brooke can sing, so at least we don't have to listen to BAD singing. I'm kind of anxious for Brooke to mix it up with Sage, I bet Brooke could seriously kick Sage's butt.

If there is a record for "Unluckiest in Love" the wrongly named Lucky Spencer should claim it. First, he lost Liz to Helena's brainwashing, then lost Liz's sister Sarah to... her bad acting...and then he lost Summer to that whole being pushed off the cliff thing, and now he is going to lose Emily to his dead brother. Tough break, UnLucky.

If there is a record for "Best Undercover Work" then the CIA should have to cough it up and give it to Faith Roscoe's goons who were able to track down some old obsessed boyfriend of Sam's who was in jail to persuade him to come to Port Charles and kill some folks for her in exchange for access to Sam. First, how did Sam even get on Faith's radar, much less enough to have her learn about her past and some old boyfriend she may have had. Who did she ask? Sam has no family and supposedly is "alone in the world" so where did Faith's goons dig Nico up? And why is Nico so wildly in love with someone who put him in prison? GH has grand extremes, either the Sonny "You're DEAD to me!" mentality, or the "Even if you put me in the slammer for 20 years you're still the only one for me" mentality. Both are just plain loopy.

If there was a record for "World's Smarmiest, Egomaniac Billionaire Bachelor" Jax's photo would be on it. His ego is the size of Texas, and he is pretty sure he can seduce anyone. Courtney should just tell him she'll sleep with him for the 10 Million, or he should just GIVE her the 10 Million so they can do it and get it over with. For someone who is running a charity for children, you'd think she'd occasionally bump into a kid. But no, she's in fine dining establishments making goo-goo eyes at Jax. Which is great, and I'm enjoying the fact there is some actual romance going on in Port Charles. Let's face it, both Jax and Courtney are gorgeous, so if it turns out his sperm are as potent as Sonny's if they do it even one time, Courtney might end up pregnant again. Yeah, I know they told her she couldn't have a baby, but stranger things have happened on soaps. And, they told my Mom she could not have kids, and obviously, here I am, so miracles happen in real life, too. (Thanks for praying me into existence, Mama.:)

If there was a record for "Most Improved Re-Cast Accent", it would go to Nu Lois. Nu-Lois is growing on me a little. She's no Rena Sofer, but of course, there is the fact that Rena and Wally are divorced and I am willing to cut him a little slack and say "Perhaps he told his bosses he'd rather NOT work with his ex-wife." And I have to respect that. Thus I am willing to cut Nu-Lois more slack than I would otherwise. She has toned the accent down to a less obvious- "Janice of Friends Meets the Nanny" pace, so that is helpful.

If there was a record for "Most Likely to Have Been Switched at Birth" it would have to go to Liz's baby Cameron. Zander was an attractive guy. Liz is an attractive woman. Thus, how did they get a baby that...doesn't look like either of them? Note I did not call the baby ugly just in case its real mother reads my column. And maybe I just saw the glimpse of it in bad lighting, or a bad angle, or something. But it did not appeal to me as a pretty baby. But then again, I don't like babies until they can walk and talk and are potty trained anyway.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will I get a bunch of hate mail from Baby Lover's of the Globe? Will Faith end up getting herself killed while attempting to wipe out Lorenzo and Sonny? Will Sam's deep dark secret be worse than being a former hooker and con artist? Will anyone ever go looking for poor Luke who's still in a straight jacket at Ferncliff? Will Heather Weber take off Laura's coat and wig now? Will Carly be able to use her Courtney Kung Fu on Nico before he bolts with Sam? Will Emily tell Lucky that his brother is alive before or after she sleeps with him?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, so I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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