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 Two Scoops: March 30, 2009 columns
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Less is more?
For the Week of March 30, 2009
There is an ugly rumor swirling that GH is getting ready for massive cast cuts.
There is an ugly rumor swirling that GH is getting ready for massive cast cuts. Here are the names supposedly on the chopping block: Rebecca Herbst (Elizabeth Weber), Rick Heart (Ric Lansing), Greg Vaughn (Lucky Spencer), Megan Ward (Kate Howard), and Leslie Charleson (Monica Quartermaine).

So let me see if I have this straight. They hired Ethan and Winnifred, but plan to fire Liz and Lucky? Are you freakin' kidding me? They're going to keep Bernie the Mob Accountant and fire Monica Quartermaine? They are going to keep loser FBI Agent Raynor and fire Ric Lansing? You get the idea here, right? I bet Winnifred who has been here for 12 minutes will work for a lot less money than Liz who has been on GH for TWELVE years.

GH doesn't get it. They never have. The Young and the Restless has crushed them in the ratings for years, and the ABC powers that be don't seem to know why. I say this all the time and THEY NEVER LISTEN - Y& R values their veterans. The sweetest love story on daytime right now for my money (limited as it may be) is the budding romance between 81-year-old Jeanne Cooper's Katherine Chancellor and 75-year-old Michael Fairman's Murphy. The core characters of Genoa City, Jill, Katherine, Victor, Nikki, Jack, etc. didn't get put out to pasture when they turned 35. They are still vital and part of the canvas.

GH on the other hand took great glee in killing off most of the Quartermaine family, and dismantling the Spencer, Jones, and Weber families. They took the characters whose lives and stories we had been following for ten, twenty, thirty years and axed them. And they are about to do it again. Isn't there a better way to save money? Maybe serve Ramen noodles for lunch or ask the entire cast to take a slight decrease in salary so no one has to be fired?

It makes me sad. I have no control over their choices, but I have control over me. If I tune in one day and realize I don't care about any of the people that are left, I'm out. I am a loyal viewer with 30 years invested in this stupid show. If they are losing a serious fan like me, chances are they're losing everyone.

Enough ranting about cast cuts and on to this weeks' mayhem.

Lulu appears to be in a constant state of PMS. Or maybe she hugged Robin and caught her PPD hormones. I don't know what it is, but something has made Lulu unbelievably bitchy. If I were Johnny, I would hide in my garage under some greasy car rather than come home to her. No wonder he keeps accepting paid dates with Maxie - it's not for the money but because it's a good excuse to get away from Lulu's shrieking eel voice. If Lucky or Nikolas called Lulu for help, she would go no questions asked. So why is she so puzzled when Johnny tries to help his sister? When did her head get so thick?

Johnny was a good mob brother and went to Claudia and Sonny's mob party and said all the right words. Claudia barely noticed though, as she was a little preoccupied with Ric's blackmail to be a proper hostess. That Jerry is really becoming quite the little Spielberg isn't he? He has sent his little movies to everyone in town. Claudia didn't anticipate this particular wrinkle in her plans. Ric will not go quietly, and as Sonny said "He's like a cockroach, you can't get rid of him." Claudia tried to do him in with a giant tumbler of booze with sleeping pills mixed in, but now wants to undo that. Ric mentioned if he died a copy of Jerry's DVD would be sent to Sonny so I predict on Monday Claudia will be pouring pots of java down Ric's throat to try to wake him up.

At this point, if I were Claudia, I think I would cut my losses and flee. I bet the Zacharra family has some secret hideout of their own. Maybe on the island next to Sonny's casino. Claudia has enough money to get there and that Uncle she used to live with to cover for her. Sure, she likes power and probably digs Sonny's dimples too, but it doesn't make sense that she would stay and face certain death.

Jerry's DVD has also made Jax tell a lie to Carly not even one week into their renewed vows. I understand his motivation, he doesn't want to hurt her, and he doesn't want her to blame him for Michael's shooting. We all know she would blame him because after the Metro Court hostage crisis she begged Jax to put his brother behind bars, and Jax refused. I think Jax also realizes that if Claudia was out of the picture, and Sonny and Carly were thrust back into grief over Michael, it could only lead to limo sex.

Of course, the next time we see Michael he will be a blonde 16 year old instead of a red headed 12 year old. And don't think I won't mention that every possible chance I get. I saw an interview with Laura Wright and they asked her how she felt about the powers that be aging Michael. Since she didn't want to be added to the list of people that were getting fired, she said she thought it was a good idea. Morgan and Kristina will also be aged, so maybe next week Johnny can dump Lulu and hit the sheets with Sonny's daughter Kristina, or maybe even Ric's daughter Molly. I am fairly certain Ric and Alexis wouldn't recognize their kids at any age. I haven't seen Kristina since Alexis battled cancer.

Say, since when did Sam get to be so proficient on a computer that she could hack an FBI file and erase evidence against Spinelli? Was there an episode where Damian mentored Sam on hacking techniques that I missed? No matter. The evidence is gone and Spinelli is off the hook for the time being. The worst part of this storyline is that they have separated Spinelli from Jason thereby dismantling one of the best comedy teams on daytime. (Of course, Diane and Alexis are hilarious, too. I sure hope it's nearly time for the Litigator of the Year contest again.)

How can they un-write what they have written? If the FBI is on to Spinelli's work for Jason, under what circumstances can Spinelli go back to work for Stone Cold again? Or are we supposed to embrace the Scooby Doo Gang P.I. storyline? Sam and Spinelli I could handle, but when they threw in Winnie I was out. I want to pull Winnfired's pigtails until she cries. If she is going to be on every day, I will really, seriously, have to stop watching GH.

Of course if Winnifred doesn't drive me away, Robin will. I got a small glimmer of hope this week when Robin actually admitted she had PPD and (almost) sought help. Men, if you are out there and your wives are suffering from PPD and they drive to some seedy motel and call themselves Nancy and start dating other men, I give you permission to dump them.

Robin already has HIV -wasn't that enough diseases for her? THAT was the storyline. Robin, an HIV positive mother was pregnant and was worried about giving birth to a healthy baby. But between the ludicrous months when she lied to Patrick about being the father to the Post Partum Depression, they barely touched on the HIV portion of the story which was the most compelling angle.

I remember when her pregnancy was first announced, it was big news that GH was going to do an HIV pregnancy storyline. My friends at POZ magazine wrote an article about it. People who were HIV positive were excited that GH was taking this on and looking forward to the good information the public would get. It never transpired and I bet they are more disappointed than I am. As several characters mentioned this week, Carly had PPD, too - so this is a rerun storyline.

Speaking of reruns, I threw up a little in my mouth when Nikolas was leaning up against the wall while Rebecca was getting her mammogram. They cheated and borrowed a sacred moment from Nikolas' and Emily's love story to try to shove the Rebecca/Nikolas bond down our throats. It would be like if Luke took Tracy dancing in Wyndham's department store. We purists would revolt.

Okay, so let's take a tally. Rebecca looks just like Emily, other than too much eye makeup and some blond highlights. She sounds like Emily on the days Emily was talking serious to someone. She ended up in Port Charles and applied for a job at GH, and she befriended Emily's ex husband Nikolas and Emily's best friend Lucky. And now, she has a lump on her breast.

Add to that list of facts that Helena is coming to town mid-April. I can't decide if Rebecca IS Emily in some creepy brainwashed fashion, or if Helena cloned Emily and grew a new one in her basement laboratory that she can control Nikolas' mind with via infrared remote. By the way, I am delighted Constance Towers is bringing Helena back to town. She is deliciously evil and warped and I like that about her.

Another special guest is on the horizon; Holly Sutton is scheduled to arrive in May, right around sweeps week. Is she Ethan's mom? Is Luke Ethan's dad? I suspect that might depend on whether or not Lulu has chemistry with Ethan as a love interest. If so, they won't want him to be her brother. Robert could also be Ethan's dad, and right now I bet Robin could use a sneaky brother to get her a fake ID badge that says "Nancy."

One of my favorite characters lately is Maxie. Back when Maxie was scoring pills for a drug addicted Lucky, I despised her. I could not imagine myself ever forgiving or liking her character. But due to the absolute charm and ebullient talents of Kirsten Storms, I have been won over. I like Maxie with Johnny, I like Maxie with Spinelli, and I even like Lulu better when she is interacting with Maxie. So, kudos to Kirsten Storms for lighting up Port Charles with some much needed radiance.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Sonny wonder why Ric is naked and mostly dead in Claudia's bed? Will Jax notice how large Michael's hand has become when he reaches down to clasp it? Will Big Alice slam Ethan down into the Q foyer with one of her wrestling moves when he tries to lift her wallet? Will suddenly older Kristina be cute but neurotic like her mom Alexis, or dark and brooding with dimples like papa Sonny? Will Jason paint the regrettably pink room now while Spinelli is holed up at Maxie and Lulu's? Will the Haunted Star go belly up since only one customer per day comes in to buy a drink and no one ever gambles?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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