THE BIG STORIES
Overture, curtains, lights…
For the Week of November 16, 2009
This week's Two Scoops columns
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Readers, if you didn't catch the pop culture reference in this week's title, you were obviously not a kid in the 60's or 70's. But here's a hint: that rascal Bugs Bunny really knew how to start a show!

But as for General Hospital? Not so much. The opening credits are growing more and more outdated as the months wear on. It's become so annoying to me, I would almost drive to L.A. and march around ABC Studios with a protest sign if I wasn't so lazy in general.

Alan, Monica, Justus, Ric, Lorenzo, and Greg Vaughn's Lucky are still parading around the opening credits in spite of the fact that none of them are on the show. Oh sure, Monica wanders by once every 6 months or so, but by and large, all of these actors and characters are gone, and the General Hospital opening credits need updating to reflect the current cast. It's just downright lazy to leave it as is.

In the next room of my Extreme Home Makeover of GH, I would put some decent art in Liz's studio. The art leaning against the walls in her studio wouldn't even make the cut in a high school art show. Also, if Liz wants to turn her art studio into a love shack, she should at least buy a bed and install a shower.

When Lucky brought Liz flowers and she said she wanted to paint them, I figured she was just stalling to avoid sex again. But for just a second I cringed because I was afraid she might actually paint them and we'd have to look at some amateur painting of roses on her wall for the next ten years. One more puzzlement about the art studio… Did I miss the part where Elizabeth told both Nikolas and Lucky she was going to the studio? I wondered why they both tracked her down there instead of at her house.

I am exasperated with Elizabeth and Nikolas. When the two of them decided to squeeze themselves into the hospital supply closet for some afternoon delight, I was disgusted on many levels.

First, I wondered which of Liz's patients just peed themselves because she was banging her brother-in-law instead of helping one of her patients get to the bathroom. How many patients were frantically ringing their buzzers for help while Liz was shaking her groove thing?

My second thought was "Ewww." Most of us haven't had sex in a supply closet since college and even then we knew how gross it was, but we were drunk and didn't care. (Or was that just me?) Liz on the other hand is a nurse, and since she probably can't stop in the middle of her shift and shower Nikolas' love juice off of her, well again, Ewww.

I also found it interesting that no one at the hospital needed to access the supply closet the entire time Elizabeth and Nikolas were frolicking about in there, nor during the subsequent fight between Mayor Floyd and Lucky as they hovered outside the closet door.

But truth be told, the real reason I am upset with Liz is because she's the character I most relate to in real life. Everyone thinks Liz has it all together, but in truth, she's a mess. I want her to do the right thing. I know Liz knows what the right thing is, and I want her to do it. Perhaps I want her to be better than me, and make better choices. When Liz said to Nikolas "I hate myself right now," I talked to the TV and said "Good, because I hate you, too." On the upside, I was delighted that they finally did a flashback from one of Lucky and Liz's glory moments from the past and showed that beautiful "it's a permanent lock" scene.

But is it a permanent lock? Not unless Nikolas gets out of the way. Sadly, there is no hope of a second chance for Nikolas and Rebecca, because the character of Rebecca and her portrayer, Natalia Livingston, are departing GH.

Those of us who were invested in "Nem" (Nikolas and Emily) continued to hope that one day we would discover that Rebecca was actually Emily. We had theories that Rebecca was just a maniacal plot by Helena. But, no such luck. Rebecca is Rebecca, and she is departing the GH canvas in the near future.

And to wrap up the section on the Spencer/Cassadine storyline, I had to do some serious eye-rolling after the big "Bobby Ewing/It was all just a dream" sequence where Lucky shot Nikolas and then it all turned out to be Liz's fantasy. Cheesy.

Let's flip into Positive Mode. Steve Burton was breathtaking last week. The flashback scenes of Jason pledging his love and devotion to baby Michael broke my heart. But the here and now scenes were equally moving. When Jason tried to explain his feelings and fears to Sam and said, "Maybe the kid I helped raise is different…because of all the violence…" and when his eyes filled up with tears, mine did, too.

As Jason talked it through with Sam, he realized he hadn't kept the promises he made to Michael as an infant, that he hadn't protected him and kept him safe, and that the choices Jason and Sonny made turned Michael into someone far less innocent than the infant he once held in his arms. And with each word he spoke, it seemed the words became heavier in his mouth, it took all his energy to speak those thoughts into the air. Brilliant work, Mr. Burton.

It's odd that the resident mob enforcer has become the moral center of the group. Jason realized that covering up Michael's crime was a mistake, but after they burned the cabin to the ground and buried Claudia, there was no going back, not for Michael, and not for Jason and Sonny. But Jason is deeply troubled by his bad decisions and is working hard to make better choices to help get Michael back on the right track.

The consequences of the choices Sonny and Jason made are that Michael now fancies himself an up-and-coming mobster and refuses to acknowledge any residual guilt for his actions against Claudia. He's become downright cocky in it, and is wallowing in the mobster skin trying to see if it fits.

Considering the circumstances, I think any jury would have let Michael off the hook if the case had gone to trial. I know I would have… A maniac kidnaps a pregnant woman in the throes of labor, and the pregnant woman's son cracks the kidnapper in the head before she steals his infant sister? I would totally give Michael a free pass on that if I was on his jury. (Which might be why they never pick me for a jury.)

Instead, Michael is trying to be Sonny's Mini Me, and in one of my favorite scenes of the week ordered Max and Milo to go and rough up that creepy Kiefer. I wish I had a Max and Milo, I have a few people I'd like to put the fear of God into.

The thing that most upsets me is that Kristina is willing to allow Kiefer to hit her instead of sending Max and Milo to beat the crap out of him herself. Girls, if you are out there and your boyfriend hits you, DUMP HIM. No one deserves to be mistreated that way.

Kristina confided to Kiefer that she suspects that Sonny killed Claudia. Bad move, little girl. I predict the next time Kristina withholds sex from Kiefer or Michael gets sassy with him, Kiefer will use the info Kristina confided for revenge. If Kiefer discovers that Michael is the one who really killed Claudia, it will be even worse.

Dante took Lulu for a lovely eggplant dinner at Mob Pasta or whatever it's called -- the old one was the No Name, and this one didn't have a name that I heard, either. Lulu is in quite a pickle. Dante saved her life twice, but Sonny came and visited her in the mental hospital, so she owes them both. I don't know what she will ultimately do, but my one fear is of losing Lulu and Dante as a couple. I *really* like them together, and from my mail, you do, too. I wish Olivia would just down one too many glasses of Pinot and spill it.

I have tried to decide for months who Olivia's eyes remind me of, and today as I was looking at Christmas trimmings at Macy's, it came to me -- Olivia has Clarice the Deer eyes from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And yes, that is a compliment, Clarice was a hottie!

Dante's hunch to help the maid take out a 2-ounce trash bag filled with ashes paid off. The police lab found a piece of Sonny's shirt with Claudia's blood and Sonny's DNA. But wouldn't the same test reveal a third person's DNA? Michael was in the mix, too - will the cops look for the third person, or just arrest Sonny?

Sonny is going happily about his day meeting Luke at Mob Pasta for a little BadaBing talk about someone named Joey Limbo, which sounds like an Australian disco dance. Luke declared himself "Switzerland," but Tracy isn't neutral, and if she gets wind of it, Sonny will wish he had asked another friend.

Several of you tweeted or e-mailed me this week regarding Carly's crabby mood. Dear readers, I insist that you cut Carly a little slack. In the past week, she has been kidnapped at gunpoint, injured in a car crash, given birth in a shack in the woods with no pain meds, nearly had her newborn infant stolen by a madwoman, watched her son murder someone, discovered that her husband has been lying to her for months, and had her youngest son loudly exclaim that she ruins everything. I think she deserves to be a little bitchy after all that.

One bright spot for Carly last week was a visit from the delightful Lady Jane Jacks, everyone's dream mother-in-law. Sure, Lady Jane urged Carly to forgive her son, but she doesn't wear blinders where Jerry and Jax are concerned.

Even Alexis had to side with Carly when Jax went to whine to his BFF about Carly kicking him out. Her line was perfect "You know I don't normally agree with Carly, in fact I hate agreeing with Carly, but it's kinda hard for me not to see her point…"

Carly said it best when she said to Jax "Claudia would have killed me and the baby, and you could have stopped it and you didn't." That was true. If Jax had shown Jason or Sonny, or better yet, the police, the DVD that proved Claudia's guilt, Claudia would have been away from Michael and in no position to kidnap Carly. But then it wouldn't be a Soap and we wouldn't have had all this juicy stuff to watch over the past several months, so hooray to Jax for lying!

Dear readers, some weeks are so dull I struggle to find two pages worth of something to say, but the past few weeks, I find myself editing like a mad woman so I don't end up with ten pages of material. General Hospital is so good right now that I feel sorry for the people who left the party early.

James Franco will arrive next week and we will finally meet the freak who is obsessed with Jason. Rumor has it that the character is an artist who is obsessed with death. He worships Jason just a smidge because Jason has killed so many people and Franco's character gets off on death. Eww.

I expect it to be a very compelling storyline and am looking forward to watching it all unfold, although like most scary movies, it will creep me out and give me nightmares. As long as they keep playing Adam Lambert's "Mad World," I won't touch that dial.

One last thing that bugged me… On the anniversary of Emily's death, Nikolas, Lucky, and Liz all came to the cemetery to pay tribute, but not Edward, Monica, or Jason, otherwise known as her family.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Kiefer smack Kristina again when he discovers she's crushin' on Ethan and has his number in her phone? Will someone get Jason to read the book Boundaries so he can firmly tell his friends "No" when they ask him to act as a go-between in their unhealthy relationships? Will anyone but me notice that the dead body chalk outline on the freaky dude's floor doesn't have any feet? Will Mob Pasta offer bottomless eggplant to compete with Olive Garden? Will Johnnie ever get a better answer than "She went away" to his questions about Claudia? Will anyone tell me if, when my parents told me my cocker spaniel Buffy "went away," they hit him with an axe handle and buried him in the backyard?

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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